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Ages: The Passengers of Time/ The Animated Series Episode 7: The Poisoned Dart by David A. Hodge - Series, Animated, Action - Captain Margolis joins Ryan’s party to seek out the last scout. The witch poisons the frog forcing Ryan to retreat from the battle. Lucy comes up with a plan to make an antidote but to do so they must leave that region of the world and travel to the Northern shores of Isis. 24 pages - pdf, format
Ages: The Passengers of Time/ The Animated Series Episode 8: The Ice Gods Pass by David A. Hodge - Series, Animated, Action - Leaving the war, Ryan and his party travel north through Orin’s Pass. There they are not permitted to enter the magical kingdom of Isis and instead have to face the Mighty Ice Beast Kull. 24 pages - pdf, format
Ages: The Passengers of Time Episode 9 The Northern Shores of Isis by David A. Hodge - Series, Animated, Action - Captain Margolis is treated for his poisoned wound while Lucy and Ryan discover their ability to channel specific elements to use in battle. 23 pages - pdf, format
Ages: The Passengers of Time Episode 10 Assassins by David A. Hodge - Series, Animated, Action - On their way back to the Crimson Empire Lucy is kidnapped by a group of assassins and taken to an Arylian encampment. 22 pages - pdf, format
Ages: The Passengers of Time Episode 11 The Diversion by David A. Hodge - Series, Animated, Action - Ryan and Captain Margolis have to decide whether to go after Lucy or lose the battle of Harrisburg. 23 pages - pdf, format
Hey, Should get a screenwriting program, plenty of free ones. I think there’s just one serious writer that I know of on here that uses word, and he spends a lot of time getting the formatting right. You'd probably lose five pages once this is formatted correctly. Not only are the first couple of paragraphs a little thick, at least one of them is actually just a single sentence running for five lines. ‘She’s working to upgrade the specs on her latest invention’ This is telling us what she’s doing, I have no idea what this looks like on screen. How does the audience know that is what is happening. Kinda odd dialogue. What do all these characters look like? Don’t think you need the ‘end scene’ What does their dress uniform look like? I thought this was a school? Now he’s a warrior? Is it like a military academy? These things need to be explained. You add characters without introducing them. Whos general Soto? Still not sure if this is supposed to be a military type academy, but if so having any kind of officer be that familiar with a cadet is ridiculous, much less a general.
Kinda skimmed the rest after breakfast with mom, it was more of the same issues. This is a prime example of someone having a great imagination, and you've maybe even got a good story to go with it, but you arent conveying any of this. Reading this I have no idea what any of this looks like. I had no idea it was set in the future until you said there was a hover car. I dont know what the characters look like, or what the settings are. Slow the story down, explain things better, read some other scripts. Maybe read 'The Last Metropolis', it's not really the same genre, but it's well written and formatted. Good luck with it.
Mine: HARD CASE (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...
APU (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Yea...thought I'd give this a try since I read the first one. And right away the same issues. No sense of setting other than the logline, tons of characters I know nothing about. dialogues unbelievable: you're not from around here are you? He just asked about things here, so yea... And the rest is dialogue used to explain the plot, as opposed to being natural. more unfilmables. People seeing things and making assumptions about them, none of this is on screen.
And that's all for these. Putting your script up on a forum like this is only useful if you pay attention to some of what you hear. I'm no expert, but I don't think any suggestions I made are any different from what others will tell you needs to be fixed.
Mine: HARD CASE (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...
APU (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
I like your fire. Your suggestions conflict with the way I write. The reason why I don't get caught up in the details is to give the reader a chance to use their own imagination. I could go into what race they are, what their religious background might be, or whether the story takes place on this planet or one completely different. I just choose to move the story from one point to the next with as little hang ups as possible.
I started it, didn't get too far. It's very admirable that you're leaving things to the audience, except this is your story. What happens when we read ten pages in picturing this set in the past, then suddenly you bust out hovercars and such? It's cool if this is how you write just to get your idea out on paper. But for it to work for anyone else you need to seriously edit the hell out of this, add some descriptions and setting. And no you can't get into their religious background, because that doesn't show on screen. A screenplay is supposed to be a concise description of whats on the screen. You're posting this on a forum of writers, you can assume everyone here has an overactive imagination and plenty of ideas to use it on. The idea of creating your own work is to let others in to YOUR own personal imagination.