Untitled by Biff Stew - Short, Family Horror - Two people are drawn to attend their town's Halloween festival because a mysterious voice foretells that something will happen there.  What the voice has failed to tell them is whether that something will be good, or bad. 12 pages - pdf, format

This one was starting out really well, and everything was getting pretty good, but, to me, the ending was just one huge letdown. It was like pulling the reader's leg, pulling the oldest trick in the book, where it all ends up being a dream, or that the character really just imagined all of it for no reason. It was disappointing and it looks like it was your only way to end it because you ran out of room.

Though the writing was very well written, and I enjoyed the zombie bits

Sean

The writing is clean and easy to read. I enjoyed the story as it keeps us guessing. There are different beats even when the overall goal is just to reach the Town Hall. Paul and Susan sound like real people to me.

Now regarding the ending, I know it's hard to end a horror story without being cliché, but I don't like those "oh, it's all a dream" endings as well. I mean, it's not bad the way it is now because it certainly flows, but I feel there should be something more to the story.

Anyhow, this is a very solid story. Good job!

I appear to be following Sean around!

There was a kernel of a good idea here - the deserted streets, the inability to turn back, the fortune teller doll giving out blank paper. These were all nice touches - but the story as a whole failed miserably, and primarily, as Sean says, because of the twist, which robs the preceding pages of any meaning.

It felt to me as if you just didn't have any way of ending this except with the "it was all a dream" type ending, which was a pity, as I feel there could have been something very "Dead End" like to be told here.

I liked it except for the ending.

Great set up with It.

Too much jabbering between Paul and Susan re: "Something, something..."

The introduction "the person henceforth to be known as Susan" was really clunky.

Criteria met Good effort.

Gary

Sorry, I'm going to have to agree with everyone else on this one. I really wanted to like this but the ending was well... full of it.

It was decent but I hate scripts like this why would a kid care about a screenwriter or any of the behind the scenes stuff. I know this probably made you chuckle. Don't put yourself in the script because technically that's what you did. I can tell this is either a joke or a bit narcissitic. Let your characters run the story and don't guest star in your own script.  Sure it's fun but it makes your script seem just a bit cheap and by the way this doesn't feel like a kid would like it.

I really was into this story, up until the ending, of course.  I'm going to have to agree with everyone else.  It could have been so much more.  It had a really great Twilight Zone feel to it up until then.  Some of the dialogue was a bit clunky, but the overall writing, grammar, etc was well executed.  I think I noted just one typo in the entire thing and it was only a missing word.

I hope the writer considers working on the ending so that it is more fulfilling for the reader b/c, like I said, it was really good up until that point.

I did not like this one at all.  Not so sure about Family horror, either.  It went nowhere and left me quite pissed off, actually.

The writing was ok in places but by no means good.  Lots of missing words and letters.  A ton of repetition, that just...well...repeated itself, over and over.  For instance, I just wonder how many times "Town Hall" was used?  The 2 characters continually kept using each other's names in their dialogue, and sounded very cheesy...actually, most of the dialogue sounded off and didn't work for me at all.  Also don't like the references to "us", "we", whatever...just so not needed.

OK, now to the "ending". I too hate when stories end with non endings, but this one was even worse, because it came off as the writer thinking he was being clever by throwing in the "Screenwriter" thing.  It wasn't clever, and came off as being very irritating.

Sorry, but that's how I feel.

I don't think this met the family part of the challenge.  Now ,I know we said it has to be able to be 'read' by anyone in the family, but I think of it being 'watched' by the family.  A woman being squished to death, with blood gushing out of her by an unseen hand from the sky accompanied by a booming voice is just a little bit much for the younger members of the family, I'd say.  The ending was also not great, either.

Yeah, this was an odd one. the first few pages just zip by - its obviously a literal pisstake of the theme( at the festival, strange things happpen).
I kept thinking, you bewdy, this is building up to a good witty ending.

Then came Susan's crushing, which is not family horror, and I'm thinking, ok....still could be a chance for an adequate payoff. Then came the FOURTH F**king WALL BREAKAGE!!!!

format and stuff was ok though.

Right, think i have one, maybe two, to read...

I normally avoid reading stories about screenwriters and writing and scripts about making movies but I did not expect this one to end this way and when it did I thought that I liked it a lot.

Very funny and witty twist - could not see that coming at all.

I think that Paul is being convinced way too easily throughout. Conversation they had at the festival (or no festival) should have happened in the car before they decided to go there.

The logline is just right. Explains but doesn't give away the plot. I thought they'll win a lottery or something at the festival. Your ending is far better.

Thanks for the read.

Yeah...OK. Really good dialogue between Susan and Paul- each seemed to have their own voice. Good set-up, especially the mysteriously re-appearing Downtown 1 mile sign. Title (or lack of one) seemed originally like a cop-out, but I can see the point.

The initial introductions seemed a bit clunky. This is the same actor and actress, so they would only need the one introduction...It comes off a bit as an audience aside as written.

Kind of a Twilight Zone, Duck Amuck kind of ending that has been done, but I think worked.

LOL! I just realized that I placed my review of this script in Festivous of Fear by accident. Too much going on on my computer always and all these tabs!!!

Anyways, here we go! In the right spot this time!   Please, next time title your script "Something".  

I enjoyed this one. I take it that, we, are that voice in the sky of Screenworld? And we are evil with what we do to our characters aren't we?

The opening was good because we didn't know the truth of Paul's Zombie status or Susan's Vampire status as yet. Indeed, the status shifts more than once. Firstly, we think they're in costume for Halloween. Then, we learn that they're undead, and then, we learn that they're characters in a script. How cool is that?

I really enjoyed some of the dialogue and when Paul says this here:

>There wouldn’t be any need
for the games or the mystery.

Do you realize that that's the purpose of life? For the fun? For the games and the mystery and ultimately true and lasting pleasure? We're not there yet, but we're getting there.

Poor Mr. Screen Writer what hath you wrought?

Angels and Demons

Fear and blood thought

Come back to your computer now

Write us away

Take us to places that glisten

Belay.

Good job!

Sandra

They weren't undead, Sandra...they were indeed in costume.

I mean, of course I wouldn't know for sure, because of course, I didn't write this, but I mean...well...they weren't undead at any time...or were they?

Quoted from Dreamscale They weren't undead, Sandra...they were indeed in costume. I mean, of course I wouldn't know for sure, because of course, I didn't write this, but I mean...well...they weren't undead at any time...or were they?

Hey Jeff, I wonder if we're in costume?!   Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and hear from the writer.

Sandra