Measure of Silence, A by Simon Lewis (niles crane) - Short, Family Horror - A couple discover that even an empty room can be deadly at Halloween. - pdf, format

This one's not too bad. It has some decent little elements that might work well on screen. It did feel as if the Halloween elements were tacked on to an already existing story though - although the ending was rather good, I thought.

My main problem with it is that we don't really get to know these two characters or any real background to what has happened in the house previously. There are a few cryptic remarks thrown in, but they are easy to miss and perhaps something more concrete might have helped.

I am not sure if the opening, with an empty room, would hold anyone's attention for long! This could definitely do with being cut down.

It is a fairly standard "Amityville"/"Haunting" type of story, and didn't add anything new, but it was OK. I would say that it is the first one I have read so far (though hopefully not the last) that didn't seem aimed at children!

This was decent, despite the lack of Halloween festival. It read really quick. The action was as cut and dry as can be. Very good. The dialogue was the same. Not sure if this was as successful. I would've liked to know a little more about them which probably would've require some beefier dialogue. They could've been anyone as far as I'm concerned. The nursery lines didn't help much. Anyway, pretty simplistic story. I liked how it relied on suspense and mystery rather than any physical antagonistic force. Reminded me of those Are You Afraid Of The Dark Stories at times. A good thing. I loved those growing up. Not bad.

I really liked this. It got tension, suspense, and creepiness. I don't mind this is not set at a festival but it's on Halloween nevertheless! You wrote in a variety of things in the room to keep us interested. David and Jane tried different ways to get out, while strange happenings occur in different ways as well.

Next time when I am in a room with a cupboard, I'll think about this script.

An excellent job! Congrat!

Noteworthy story! Suspense well done. This is the way all scary stories should be told.

Minor point on page 3: "sign" should be "sigh."

Great effort.

Gary

I enjoyed the creepy factor to this.  Perfect for family horror.  Characterization and interaction between Jane and David worked really well.

My only problem with this script dealt with the formatting, specifically with your direction. Two mistakes you had were:


SPOILER SPACE (kinda)

Quoted Text Note: We never see into the cupboard.

and

Quoted Text Jane does not notice - but we do - that on the inside of the door,

We are not there; you shouldn't include us in the script.  By not saying what is in the cupboard, the reader doesn't know.  Just don't tell us.  That simple.

Regarding the scratches, by telling us about the scratches, the reader 'sees' them.  By not having the characters react to them, we can assume that the characters didn't see them.

By writing like this, you take us out of the story by reminding us it's a story.


Phil

This one is pretty good. I had not noticed that it didn't have anything to do with any type of Halloween festival until James mentioned it, which kind of hurts you considering it was something you had to add in the challenge. It also felt a bit rushed, and that some of the reactions the characters gave didn't seem so realistic. The door just slammed shut and locked by itself. Yeah, David is bewildered by it, but they immediately try and think of ways to get out rather than ask themselves, "Why the hell did that just happen?" Instead, they were like, "Okay, well, let's drink some coffee and wait a while for the door to loosen up because it might be jammed."

But other than that, the way you incorporated the room and just the room, with no other location except for the outside of the house, was very unique and impressive how you're able to keep the readers' attention with one room. It was very eerie, since you can't see what's going on, and as Niles said, it is very "Amityville" but it's good to not see the force that's after them. It makes it all the scarier. I mean, just look at Paranormal Activity...


Sean

While the argument can be made that this couple is a family in themselves. When I read the logline I was worried that this would not necessarily be a family film.

1. There are kids in this script but only at the end. We go on this journey with a couple, not teens not a cute couple of kids but adults. Family means kids have to be included or has to be about them.
2. There is no real festival here just halloween, I'm not sure if you really understood the prompt. Sure you mentioned it but it makes it sort of cheap when you don't capitalize on the challenge.
3. Alot of this doesn't feel organic because it feels like a nice idea you had for a horror script and you just briefly mentioned stuff. I will say that this is horror but kids need color, kids don't know everything and you have to dumb it down a lil bit for them.

4. The end seemed tacked on as well. I'm not a big fan of the cut and dry approach because I think that it's not that entertaining. Sorry but I just feel a lil confused as to your choices in constructing your script. Also who are your characters, I felt like they were just talking heads.

I suggest maybe reading more family oriented scripts like the incredibles, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, Toy Story all the Pixar films are Family films.
Read these if you are not sure if it's family oriented.  This may be a lil too real (adult) for kids they have to see themselve in someway or the other.

Themes involving adult love should be avoided in my opinion.  I hope my suggestions made sense because this is a nice idea, I do like the premise but just didn't feel like this was family.

I don't agree with hellsing that a film needs to have kids in it nor does it have to be about kids in order for it to be a family film.

However,  I thought this script had some good horror in it.  You did well on that score.  The idea was creepy enough and the action you wrote was nicely done.  Unfortunately, I didn't think the dialogue measured up and I found it a bit on the nose at times.    

Good job!

***OO

Well, first of all, in no way does this meet or even attempt to meet the challenge.  No festival whatsoever, and this horror is so far from family horror, it's laughable.

It is well written in many places, and is indeed frightening...even horrific.

But it's also not so well written in places.  Phil makes a good point.  The use of beats and "pause" did not work at all.  On page 1, you write, "A moment of stillness and silence.", as well as "A few moments pass."  If these moments are indeed actual minutes, then we're looking at absolutely nothing for over 4 minutes, and we're only 1/2 way through page 1!

I'm being a bit picky here, but I'm upset that no attempt was made to go along with our challenge here.  I wouldn't be surprised if this was a short that was already written and modified with Halloween going on to throw it in here.

Sorry.

I'd have to agree wth dreamscale that zero attempt was made to fit this script into the parameters of the OWC.  No festival, and probably too much blood for a Family Horror(although the definition of that term is a bit loose). And the Halloween element seemed irrelevant.

However, I actually enjoyed your spare, measured writing style.  It made for a very easy read.  You ratcheted up the tension quite well.  But, I was disappointed that there was no revelation.  The house is haunted, and we have no idea why or what exactly was in that cupboard. There was no mind-blowing twist that we always hope for in stories like this.

I did like this.  It just seems this is a story that needed more room to expand on its premise.  And I'd say it belongs more in the new, unproduced section than this OWC.

Hey Ray,

Interesting story.  But did you really have to blashemize the name of the Lord in the first bit of dialogue.   How would you like it if I used your mother's name to express contempt or disgust? I don't think she'd appreciate it...either does Jesus.  
Good luck with your future writing endeavors.

I liked the environment the writer created - the isolation of the room, the foreboding mystery and implications of something evil present but invisible and the death trap cupboard.

But what I hoped for didn't happen - the unexpected. The anticipation of David and the Mrs. disappearing did happen. Rivers of blood. End of story.  No surprises. For me, while the writer had a nice style of telling the story it wasn't much of a story and it definitely had that feeling of "seen that before."

I looked for the connection to the children's audience and the Halloween Festival, but the last minute trick or treaters didn't deliver.

Yeah, this one had no Festival, bugger all Halloween adn defintely wasn't family horror.
But it had a real sense of atmosphere and tension, so i give it some kudos there.

on epoint - i'm not a fan of action lines that have only two or three words in them. eg: 'a moment', etc.
It makes it read like a damn poem.

But good effort even if it might have been already written and modded for the challnege...

I liked your story.

Trying to move into a new house on Halloween, having marital problems, then encountering something dreadful... I liked the ending the children come trick or treating - blends well.

I wish the resolution was a bit more cheerfull and the closet explained.

I appreciated fewer characters. Helps the read and is good for a short, I think.