A Goode Fall by Ray Venn - Short, Family Horror - A banker struggles to win a vacation for his family and has to foreclose on the haunted farm where they are camping. - pdf, format

This did not seem to meet the contest criteria.
Not that it wasn’t a decent story, it was.

Your main plot, with Ben, did not really seem to connect with the subplot - the camping trip.
Rob rescinding the offer (of more time) was a nice touch. Just enough of a scumbag to really make a nasty antagonist.

The horror aspect of this script just did not feel developed at all. It felt as though it was tacked on to fit the contest. They just felt like two separate entities.
Ideally, you want your plot and subplot to connect and influence each other.

Your main story with Ben losing the farm was what this story was about. I liked it, but it had nothing to do with the genre selected.

-electricsatori

I like the idea here but I think your story was a bit bogged down with scenes that didn't push it forward.  All the Girl Scout stuff in the middle seemed a bit out of place.  I liked the creepiness in the cornfield ...  I would have liked more of that.  I think what was happening to the scouts was a bit terrifying though.  

I think more focus on the creepiness would help and also the theme was  festival and I didn't get that here.  

Nice effort though.  

This didn't work for me at all.  It also didn't meet the challenge...yes, I guess there was some kind of festival, in name only, but it didn't come into play whatsoever.  And this is far from family horror.

The writing was very poor, starting with the opening 5 line passage.  There are so many examples of you trying to direct this, by using (OS) when characters are right in the actual scene, as well as numerous examples of you writing action by only showing certain body parts or the like.  Lots of other irritating things thrown in here all over the place.  Sorry, but it really bugged me.

Nothing made any sense, if you break it down or even think about it for a few seconds.  The horror came out of literally nowhere and wasn't remotely explained.  It was also very random and unconvincing.

A pefect example is the fire scene.  So everyone walks off looking for the missing girl, she gets eaten by the fire, and nothing more is said about the Mom and all the other camping girls who are searching for her until the following morning, when the Mom gets killed as well.  What were they doing all night?  Just wandering around the corn fields?  How about a phone call for help?  Just doesn't work at all.

Finally, the constant cutting back and forth at the end (at dawn) was just irritating.

I do apologize for being harsh here, but this really bugged me and was a very irritating read.

I liked this one.

Sure there were some typos and the very first action paragraph made me groan as I thought the script would be a long tedious read. I was pleasantly wrong.

IMHO, you had family friendly covered. Horror was covered for sure on three maybe even 4 levels. You also had Halloween Festival covered by having it at the Goode farm

I liked how you had two people Ben and Rob working on trying to solve there immediate problems. Ben tries to not lode his farm. Rob is pressured by his "girls" to win the trip. Great work to have Rob suggest Ben buys the new amazing combine which brings him to foreclosure and also ultimately kills Beth, Robs wife. Very good plotting indeed.

At the farm the horror with the flame and the combine increased in tension as did the dilemma of Ben solving the foreclosure issue on time and Rob winning the contest on time.

Anyway, I think you did a really good job here. The only thing I would suggest is that you let us know what happened to the other girl scouts.  

This is another mixed bag, a sort of pot pourri, if you like  (sorry for the flowery writing but after reading 18 scripts i need to make it different!)

The first few scenes remind of one of the August entries, with product placement and peppy trendy speak - very likely th esame author, though i can't recall who.

Ok, the Halloween horror starts but it's very non family. Not as bloody as the killer roos from hell, but very scary for kiddies.

It sort of fizzled out in the end like the writer ran out of time (I can sympathise!)

Good try but no cookies today.

A good story.  A very good story.  It moved smoothly, an easy read.  Dialog was totally natural.  Mixing the threads was well done.

Not for the whole family, though, I think, but I liked it a lot!

This one was okay. I liked the premise but it was page 8 before horror came to town. Too much info on the girl scouts was  a distraction. The family deaths were well done. Making the family suffer instead of directly threatening Rob was cool. My biggest complaint was that Ben seemingly had no knowledge of the evil being done on his behalf. I know, we screenwriters can be a compulsive bunch -- always asking "why?"

Good effort but did not really meet the OWC -- I do think the deaths of family members is a bit much for the intended audience even if bloodless.  Also, these strange things happened on a camping trip not a Halloween festival.

Gary

Pretty dark and violent, effective as a horror short, however I think it's too intense for a family audience. Rob was good as a nasty, heartless and souless character who would sell out everyone else in order to gain something for himself...

Spooky Spoilers:





Somehow fitting that the farm took out it's own rage on his family; however, that being said, they were more innocent bystanders, leaving Rob the scoundrel off without a scratch. He was far more deserving of getting the corn pyramid than Beth, although through her insistance on winning the trip I suppose she could shoulder a small part of blame. He should have gotten his, perhaps getting chased down like that toad who tried to run away from my lawn mower.(He was fine. I spotted him on time.)  I liked the farm and the combine acting as a character, doing what it could to defend Ol' Ben.

Some of the descriptions are a bit clunky and there are a few grammatical errors, but mainly too violent for family viewing.

I am not sure what to say about this.

It was well written - very well written actually, but...what was it all about? I got to the end and had no idea why these things had happened, or what we were supposed to take from the story.

It had a lot of good elements, but they didn't seem to gell all that well. It was not as good as the sum of its parts.

I would also think that being attacked by rats and snakes and almost chopped up by a combine would probably put this outside of family viewing!

This story had an interesting idea behind it:  the land takes revenge for its caretaker.  But, I think you strayed too far away from that central idea here.  All those pages about Rob's life at work and home and the girl scouts distracted from the horror and just seemed mundane.  There is also no explanation given whatsoever for the haunted land.  Maybe if you had included a backstory about one of Ben's ancestors dying on the farm or something, it would have explained some of the occurences. As it is, the stuff that happens comes right out of the blue and the victims, though not likeable, are innocent.

The writing and formatting were good.  Barely fit into the OWC requirements, but this was okay for a week's work.

Quoted from electricsatori This did not seem to meet the contest criteria. Not that it wasn’t a decent story, it was. Your main plot, with Ben, did not really seem to connect with the subplot - the camping trip. Rob rescinding the offer (of more time) was a nice touch. Just enough of a scumbag to really make a nasty antagonist. The horror aspect of this script just did not feel developed at all. It felt as though it was tacked on to fit the contest. They just felt like two separate entities. Ideally, you want your plot and subplot to connect and influence each other. Your main story with Ben losing the farm was what this story was about. I liked it, but it had nothing to do with the genre selected. -electricsatori

Normally, I make it a rule not to read other posts before writing my critique, but sometimes, I break my own rules.  

I have to agree with electricsatori here when he expresses that there were disconnections in the character/plot relationships. I felt that the whole bank foreclosure and Rob aspect took control of the script somehow. Ben kind of disappeared, the girl scout deal seemed like it was sending things askew also.

This wasn't a children's story, but your dialogue was good and I think you are a good writer. I was unable to quite express how I was feeling some disconnections in this, but I think electrosatori expresses it well.

I think the idea of the haunted cornfield is excellent. Brings a darkness to the sound of the title: "Field of Dreams" and that idea of "If you build it they will come."

Nice work.

Sandra

I hate sitting on the fence, but this script did that.

Ben, the poor hard working farmer who's going to lose everything through bad luck and worse advice.

The land itself wanting to take revenge.

The greedy banker's family going to the very farm that's about to be lost.

So many good ideas.

So poorly executed.

Damn.

I hate to say this, but I couldn't finish the script. The writing is actually very good. But I was just confused where the story is going. The story feels like it's going nowhere.

I hope the inciting incident can be pushed up way sooner, like on page 1 or 2, so I have an idea where the story is going to be headed.

Sorry, but I think you put a good effort into it.

Well...I'm going to disagree with many of the post's here.  This was not well written...lots of mistakes throughout.  Incorrect names used in areas that probably added to the confusion that people expressed while reading it.  Example:

BETH (CONT’D)
When can I make reservations?
BEN
Sweetheart I don’t even know if --
Rob’s head drops, resigned to do whatever it takes to win.
ROB
Tomorrow. Make ‘em tomorrow.

Ben is not in this scene...but his name is titled there. This type of mistake and others I'm sure added to some of the reader's confusion.  I found myself scrolling back up to make sure I hadn't missed something.  This probably occured due to some rewriting, but that's why it's so important to proof your work.

Unlike a few people that didn't get the intent of the story...I did...and as Pia mentioned, I think there was some really good plotting...it's a shame it was executed so poorly.

The story: Rob made a choice to give Ben less time, just so he could win a contest, so his family could go catch some sun in a tropical place....the "Farm" did the pay back...and this was taking place at the same time that Rob was executing his win...which in the end didn't matter because his family was dead.

This did not meet the challenge...and unless it was filmed pretty "cheesily" (is that even a word? ), it definitely would be too scary for most kids...but then again...mine wasn't scary enough...so there must be a happy balance in there somewhere    A festival was mentioned but none of that even came into the picture.  

I also get irritated when things don't make good sense....like simply...why didn't they call for help...how did they wander around in a corn field all night...especially when there was a cell phone at the camp?  

I'd take this story...develop and rewrite it and put it in the horror/short section.  It doesn't belong here...I'm sorry to say.

Morgan