The Professionals by enigma - Comedy - Steve has found himself in a peculiar position. Working with a bunch of characters in his department, Steve has found himself in between two women. One is the woman of his fantasies, the other is the woman of his dreams. He tries to keep his dealings quiet, but in this department, filled with misfits, it’s an impossibility. Take a peak into the lives of the people who you call when you have problems.  118 pages - pdf, format

well, enigma, i gave it a shot. got to page 21.

the good news: the formatting is great. good flow, nice mix of action and dialogue, knew exactly what was going on at all times.

the bad news: everything is way too on the nose. the characters are two dimensional and the dialogue leaves nothing to the imagination. it's painfully clear that these are people created in a screenplay - they don't exist anywhere in the real world.

and although i knew exactly what was going on, there wasn't anything going on. you need to cut to the chase much, much more quickly.

boil it down, make the characters and the dialogue more natural and this is exactly the kind of script i want to read. love the subject matter (the tedium of life in corporate america), just couldn't get through the script.

good luck to you.

best,
mike

Hey, thanks for the read Mike. To be honest, I shouldn't have released this one here. This is an actual story about where I work at, and I promise you, about 80 percent of the dialog is actual conversations we've had. It has a lot of inside jokes that only people in my office would understand, but I figured I'd give it a shot and post it here.

That being said, yeah, I dragged it on a bit as far as getting to the point cause everyone at my job had their input on what to add next. I hear you on the two dimensional thing. I'm still working on developing my technique with a large amount of characters. Normally I'll focus on two or three characters, and forget about others, and then try to add them some lines later, so I'm trying to get better at that.

Anyways, thanks for the feedback. I know this wasn't for everyone, but I assure u, these people do exist (Yeah, scary I know), but this was just something I made for my co-workers enjoyment, nothing that's real serious or anything, so the development really wasn't there.