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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Reprise Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 27th, 2009, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Reprise by Guy Macher - Drama - Modern day Toronto Detective Jim Thorpe (the Jim Thorpe?) solves film maker Alexy Vega's murder in a day but then the murder victim's wife turns up dead in a fire.  Are the cases related?  And how are they related to Alexy Vega's film of the terror of 9/11?  - pdf, format


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Lightfoot
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 12:07am Report to Moderator
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I think the premise would be better as just... A modern day Toronto detective takes on the job of solving the murder of a film maker. Personaly I would keep moments like "victim's wife turns up dead in a fire" out of the premise, just my opinion though.

First thing I see wrong is on your title page, for some reason you have screenplay over the title of the script.

Scene headings are a bit wrong, it should be  EXT. STREET - DAY, period and a dash.

I like the scene you chose to open with, from this I get a feeling that Thorpe is a competative type of guy that doesn't even like to lose to a random jogger. Got a laugh out of that, and you only need to capitalize character names when they are mentioned for the first time in action.

What is the importance of the other people at the bus stop? Why can't they just be descrbed simply as people? There's really no reason to take the time to describe things that aren't relevant to the script. Same for the bus driver too, you can just leave him as bus driver, unless he is important enough to be named.

"Thorpe isn’t happy to be riding Toronto Transit. To ease
his discomfort he lights a smoke. Two drags later the bus
arrives"  First thing, discomfort can mean a couple things, is he scared of riding the bus or is it boring for him? Secondly show us, don't tell us that he is not comfortable.

BUS DRIVER  (correct way for wryly)

Hey Mack, no smoking.
(points to the camera)
I get a fine, too, if you get caught on tape

You forgot to put in Thorpe's name on page 2.

You change the bus driver's name, you go from Bus driver shine to Mr. Robert Shine, stick with one, can make things confusing changing up character names like this.

Page 2 - "girls" repeated

"Not likely. My car will be fixed by morning." The scene heading says it's day and there is no sense of time in the action, so shouldn't it be tomorrow morning, or is already fixed?

Page 3 - After Captian Van Fleet's (funy name I thought) entry, there's a bit of dialogue has no character name for it. Also I think the bit of dialogue before it would suffice for the end of the phone call.

Van fleet is an admiral, there are admirals in police stations? I thought he was a captain?

The dialogue seems to be just back and forth without much of anything. Van fleet's last line is strange, so much so that I'm suspecting he is more involved with what's going on.

Alright I'm lost when they find the body, were did the camera come from? It wasn't mentioned at all in the action.

Just a side note, you can really cut all the P.O.V's in the script, they ruin the flow a bit and replacing them with action wouldn't make a difference at all.

Who's Mrs. Custer?

Alright things have just started to get really messed up, the Thorpe is 50, His wife only 28, and they have a son in college? I'm not a math expert, but i know this doesn't add up. Unless I'm mistaking "his wife of 28 years" as the time they've been married and not her age.

I find it very annoying how almost every one of Reva's dialogue bits always has "chief" in it.

They knew who melissa was before  the MC announced her?

What state is the body and the Canadian Club in? I think if everything was covered in gasoline the fire would be bad, melting the bottle and charring the body beyond recognition.

I'm going to take a stab at the ending here, the guy beating the crap out of Alexy also killed his wife, or had something to do with her death?

How is the death of the wife bad news for Elka?

That interrogation scene felt forced and very unrealistic, basically a back and forth, then effortlessly get a confession, not to mention Thorpe suspecting the shooter of slashing his tires with no evidence to back him up. Also I suggest cutting some of the "mon" in the Jamacian's dialogue

Anyways I skipped to the end to see who it was, but now I'm just more confused, somehow the bus driver is involved, and there's amnesia, a twin, maybe i'll read the ending over some other time.

The story just wasn't for me, the dialogue wasn't that great and the events in the story didn't keep me interested, but I'm am interested to find out how far off I was on my prediction.






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