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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Killing Hollywood Moderators: bert
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  Author    Killing Hollywood  (currently 1737 views)
Don
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Killing Hollywood by Edward P. Roloson - Comedy - Dark comedy about  a writer who kills a talent agent for harrassing his wife causing other celebrities to kill their agents. 108 pages - pdf, format


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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OK, I've started reading this and think it's cute, but maybe it's just me being crazy right now. I like the idea of using a Narrator.

You have some problems, but so do I so join the club. Problems Are Us.

>EDWARD
You sure you want to come?

Shows you where my mind is.

You didn't write an EXT. shot when they walked out the door.

Strange dialogue from Edward here:

EDWARD
No, I don’t know about traffic and
I don’t want to be late. We have to
be there at 10:00 am. Why are you
thirsty?

People who want coffee usually want it for the caffeine, not because they're thirsty. If they want a Leshtot, then they probably want water or alcohol. Maybe pop if they need bubbles.

Yes, you're missing location slugs.

The agent, who's Jacobs, should only be listed as Jacobs.

When the Narrator talks, I thought it was nifty but this part:

>For some the
price is sweat, blood, tears and
intelligence. For others the price
is often something terrible.

It sounds funny to me. Was it meant to be funny? Sweat, blood and tears are already pretty darn terrible. Good one if we're going to have some fun in this.

>EDWARD
Well hun here we are. 23 floors and
we may finally have an agent. And
hopefully in a couple weeks our
movie will sell and we will finally
have it made.

Wow and I thought I was a screen-tard!
Hey, Edward? Care for some Vodka?

>Emily
We deserve a break. And I so want
to own my own house.

Go to Mcdonalds for the break today. For the house, ah let's see: try googling

Bankruptcy houses or houses labeled as psychologically impacted.

>TOM CRUISE
I can only hope the next script is
a hell of Alot better then this
one. This writer should know better
these kind of movies suck. I am
going to have to find a new agent
if they keep sending me this
garbage.

Yeah-yeah I know, but I can't help myself. Can I buy you a donut hole or something to make up for it?  

I'll send you some more feedback later.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 29th, 2009, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Ok, I read a bit more and your script formatting and style is very much off, BUT!

You've got some funny stuff happening here and I appreciate that. Some of what's written is wrong, like Edward saying the girl guides "make" good cookies. They don't actually "make" them silly.  

Bevakasha, (please) get rid of all the Zooming, you've got going in this.

This here:

JACOBS
I want to sleep with your wife.

There it is that�s the kind of perk
I require.

At that the door opens and the secretary comes in and smiles.

MAGGIE
Count me in on that. I want to
sleep with her too.

Edward stares at Jacobs who stands up and walks over to the
window staring out.

JACOBS
Well there it is. A threesome with
my secretary , your wife and myself
in exchange for my services in
selling your script. Seems fair
enough to me. You can join in too
if you want.

Edward stands and charges Jacobs pushing him out of the
window. The secretary screams and runs out the door. Looking
out the window to the pavement below Edward sees the body of
the agent Sprawled motionless.

Is a thrilling way to initiate the plot.

If you go back and clean this up. Pay attention to some basic formatting issues, I'd love to read more of this.

I love the title and the premise and initiating incident. What you have here are all some very good ideas. It feels very lively on the page. Just work on doing it right.

Sandra



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Brock_Landers
Posted: November 3rd, 2009, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Rather one note, repetitive scenes of famous actors killing their agents and then being rather non-chalant about it.

Some of it is amusing, the made up dialogue for the celebrities is fake and seemingly has no connection to any known reality...which in itself can be funny, whether the writer is in on the joke, it's hard to tell. It's not what one would call 'well-written', it's actually poorly written, segueing from one killing to another, a series of skits that might independently be funny but should not be the basis of a film. After 40 or so pages I grew tired of it, wondering where it was going and what was the point?

It's kind of what I would call, "so bad it's good", the Damon/Affleck scene made me chuckle, but I wonder if the writer was writing with a sense of irony or whether he himself is the joke? This would work as a 10-15 minute short at best, something I could see on Funny or Die...The Tom Cruise stuff with the tin-foil hats and Will Smith, kinda funny, it just doesn't sustain itself.

  
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