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I really liked this. I was impressed how you told a story with barely any dialogue in the first two pages. The visuals were nice, but my only complaint was the musical chairs part. That kind of went on for a while, and it seemed a bit boring, in my opinion. I'm not exactly sure what could make it interesting, but while I was imagining it in my head, it wasn't too exciting. The ending was good, too, as I didn't see it coming, and thought it was really cute.
Very nice, and something to bring a smile on my face.
Hi Glenn. Neat little story, told with efficency. You always put a dab of esoteric iyour work, which makes it different. Speaking of different, is the font just a different syle you tried? Or new software?
When I look at a one, two, four or in this case a three pager, there should be no mistakes. For the most part, the writing was crisp, but clean by any means, it's not.
Page one...
Your ellipsis, I believe that's what it looks like, spills over into a line of it's own. Doesn't look professional.
Personally, your description of the garden sounds more like a piece of literature then anything else. But then again a lot of writers do this, even for those experienced as yourself.
Middle age? What's that? Give us a number.
Repetitiveness...
Mandy thrusts out her hand at the wolf. Stop!
Wolf obeys the hand, stops mid step.
Why not just, Wolf stops mid step or Wolf obeys.
Again...
Wolf's fidgeting is chronic, he can't take it anymore.
You've already told us this. You could easily leave out fidgeting is chronic. or re-word it.
Page two...
After-- keeping an eye on wolf-- extra space between your comma. Or maybe it might be your software.
"here we go around the mulberry bush", I think your missing a period.
This one liner... Wolf has arrived and he is ready to pounce. Why not, Wolf stands there, ready to pounce.
In the beginning I was like, "what's going on here?" And by the time I finished I was thinking "not bad, it's pretty good". This is an unusual tale and worth the read.
Well, it was... different. Like usual, my reviews tend to mimic what's already been said.
-I liked the visuals. You set up a very nice-sounding backyard. Lol. -There were mistakes in the action lines, but really nothing worth pointing out individually, as it didn't take me out of the story. -The ending, I think, paid off for me, as I watch my dog dream all the time and wonder what they're thinking.
I liked the structure of this one a lot. Up until the end, the story felt bizarre, unfocused and borderline incoherent (emphasis on borderline, I generally understand what was happening). The ending changed everything. Once you realize it's all in the dog's head, everything seems to fall into perspective. It's a very clever way of storytelling IMO. Interesting idea too. Not a fan of the font. A lot of the time, it seemed like spaces were placed intentionally into whole words. Didn't really see the point. Nevertheless, an interesting short.
I enjoyed this short as well. I don't have much to add to everyone else's comments, but I figured I'd add to the compliments. In particular, I really enjoyed the imagery within the first two pages.
My only suggestion is to have Malto wearing a collar with the name "Malto" written on the tag. Thataway the viewer knows who Malto is.
You need to get a handle on Final Draft if this is how to prints off to PDF... Thing is outta control, man. Other than that, yeah... decent little story. I liked the subtle nature of it. I think a lot of writers try too hard at things and in some instances I felt that about this script... Like it was trying too hard at times. Maybe, almost, as if it was trying to out smart the reader... I dunno, it's a feeling I got while reading it.
Anyways, not the worst script floating around the site. Malto reminds me of Maltomeal and I hate that shit, but give and take. You do, as Ghostwriter had said, have some sloppy ellipse work to clean up here and there but for 3 pages I guess readers could read worse scripts.
Good to see you again. I liked this. Sticking with psychological again, I see!
The Wolf is sort of stalking Mandy right there in the beginning. Some resentment? The wolf mask. The dog feeling he's pretending or playing a part he wish he was?
Mandy showing her dominance telling him to stop.
The rabbit being a boy in a rabbit costume. Again, some resentment towards humans...the dominant species?
I have to admit I did not get the "musical chairs" bit.
I think you did pretty good here. Wish I understood all of it since I suspect there are more layers to this than I understand.
Quite enjoyed this one. Felt a bit short, which is always good. The pages went by very quickly which is very good.
I've become less fond of commas than I used to be. You're missing a few hypens here and there (middle-aged etc. but that's more a style thing than a mistake) and I think shorter sentences would help convey more tension.
Only one actual type that I saw "He to is..." You meant 'too'. Sorry if you've heard all this before as I hate reading other comments before I post.
Now, that's all the technical guff outta the way. Onto the good stuff...
Interesting little story, reminded me of the brothers' Grimm and the like. Which is no small compliment in my book.
I did feel though it should have gone on as it didn't quite reach as high as it could have. The dog twitching was a great touch - 'tis always fascinating to watch.
As I said if the writing was that bit tighter and it was slighly longer it would improve. Nevertheless - very enjoyable. Very enjoyable indeed.
The most enjoyable thing for me with this script was trying to work out how a dog would perceive itself and its Human owner. Who would've thought getting inside the mind of a dog would be so much fun.
Judging by most of the comments I guess I did all right.
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Malto the Rabbit Slayer
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