The Near Death Experience by Michael Joseph Kospiah (spesh2k) - Drama - After experiencing a near death experience, a lonely suicide hot line operator puts victims through a near death experience of their own in order to make them appreciate life. But his life's plan comes crashing down when he falls for the wife of one of his comatose victims. 108 pages - pdf, format

Sweet, the updated version is up. Thanks Don!

Odd, you have a few comments on here,but none directed towards the script.

Anyways I gave it a read, seen it on the main page a few days ago, but didn't check it out. This is one good story you have here, a dark one, but a good one nonetheless. I was actually able to read through this in one sitting, which is something I've never done with a feature before. Around the time where Paul called the suicide hotline is when I got hooked into the story, but I feel that I don't really know Paul well enough to believe that he has a reason to call the hotline. His marriage is on the edge too, but the few scenes that you show doesn't really tell me that, seemed like both had a bad day not like they were far apart. Perhaps create an agruement to nail home the idea that these two are now flirting with divorce. This may also strengthen the whole sub-way suicide at the start, as is, it seems like Paul can openly talk to his wife about it, if it really bothered him. Take that away from Paul and you have one seriously depressed man.

You have done well with the mood in the story I thought because in the middle I absolutely hated Stacey and hoped the worst for her, in the end I was still hoping the worste, but for Paul to rise above it and leave her. The way it eventually played out was flawless. I have, in no way shape or form, a problem with the ending, even though it is pretty dark and sad.

I think you also did well in balancing the cops story and the main story, the switiching of the two stories flowed well.

Action was great, but had a few novelist moments in them,

There was no grammatical errors that I seen, but I can scan through it again and search for some.

Anyways, good interesting story and good work on the new draft, the only problems I had were at the beginning.

Thank you Lightfoot for beating me to the punch and providing notes for Michael. I've promised them for 2 days now . . . sorry Michael, life got in the way, literally! I will post shortly, i promise

skylightlynch,

As long as it comes, I'm sure Spesh wouldn't mind the wait, plus I've noticed in other threads that you have a couple of other reads too, kudos for taking that on.

Thanks lightfoot for the read! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted Text This is one good story you have here, a dark one, but a good one nonetheless. I was actually able to read through this in one sitting, which is something I've never done with a feature before.

That's awesome, thanks!

Quoted Text This is one good story you have here, a dark one, but a good one nonetheless.

This sort of a follow up in tone to The Suicide Theory, which I believe you may have read. Not really a sequel, but same tone. I've written about five screenplays since TST, but I still consider TNDE a follow up. Also, I'm not sure if everyone will appreciate this piece. It doesn't have a TRUE protagonist. It focuses on three. Also, the characters aren't all too likable. I'd compare this to a more demented version of CLOSER with Julia Roberts and Clive Owen or maybe FATAL ATTRACTION meets UNFAITHFUL. Definitely not the happiest of endings either. I'd consider it a tragedy.

Also, I was told one that if you know the rules of screenwriting structure pretty well, it's okay to bend the rules and even break them sometimes.

Quoted Text Around the time where Paul called the suicide hotline is when I got hooked into the story, but I feel that I don't really know Paul well enough to believe that he has a reason to call the hotline.

Yeah, I see what you're saying and I should definitely take a look at that, see if I can build Paul's character a little better.

Quoted Text His marriage is on the edge too, but the few scenes that you show doesn't really tell me that, seemed like both had a bad day not like they were far apart. Perhaps create an agruement to nail home the idea that these two are now flirting with divorce. This may also strengthen the whole sub-way suicide at the start, as is, it seems like Paul can openly talk to his wife about it, if it really bothered him

The marriages in the most trouble, at least from my experiences, are the passive aggressive ones. The ones that lack communication. And that was what I was trying to do with their relationship. Make it seem like it's not so bad when it really is.

*****WARNING SPOILERS AHEAD*****

Disclaimer: Talk between 2 writers should not be taken personal. In no way is anything that follows an attack against you or your craft. Ultimate goal is for you to sell your script, get an IMDB credit, and collect a paycheck . . . given my training, knowledge, and experience; this is what I think can help make your script better:

The Near Death Experience – Title fits the story but doesn’t really encompass the theme of your story. How about: Second Chances?

STRUCTURE & FORMAT:
Pg 12: “INTERCUT BETWEEN ED & PAUL” -  Sorry man, you can’t do this. You have to do the full write out with scene headers etc. Also gives you the chance to be creative and have a few lines off screen.

- Re-occuring Error: In action blocks and cues, do not refer to anything as off screen/ on screen.  It’s similar as to writing “we” . . . . only if it is absolutely vital. In your situations, it’s an easy fix:
“Paul shows Mercer to the door, O.S. Stacy remains at the table.” = Stacy remains at the table while Paul shows Mercer to the front door. She takes a few breathes.

Inserts. I would recommend writing your Inserts into action lines. F.E. “Kerr glances done at Mercer’s case file until he sees one labeled “STACY THOMPSON”

Pg 93 -  “PAUL’S POV - Ed, in a ski mask, . . . .” Careful with writing POV, ANGLE ON, and similar directions into a script. This small taboo is an interesting topic. Some people think it’s fine, some think it’s an error. Either way, just be careful because you can never know what side of the fence the Studio Exec or Investor that’s reading your script will be on.

BREAKDOWN:
Opening Image (Pg 1):  Not a fan of Paul drinking already. I like it more on pg 76 when he learns of Stacy’s actions and everything that has happened to him

Theme Stated:  (Pg 5): Your theme/message is “when given a second chance, make it worthwhile.” You hint at it when Stacy asks about AA. AA represents a second chance for alcoholics . . . very subtle, most people won’t connect the dots, but I liked it.

Set Up: (Pgs 1 - 17):
- We need to get to Paul getting hit with the hammer quicker.

- Also, I would not have Paul go to the roof top. The roof top scene is a special location between Ed and Stacy. . . . don’t make it a 3-some

- Contradiction and Hole. Stacy treats Paul like cr** yet she buys sexy underwear to spice things up, cooks a nice meal, gets all dressed up . . . . This didn’t work. This early in the story, stick to an intent and follow it through until we get to our catalyst.

Catalyst: (Pg 17-19) : Bummer Paul, that probably hurt

Debate: (Pg 19 – 25): Well written!!!

Break Into 2: (Pg 25): Ed meets Stacy in Paul’s room . . . good use of location!

“B” Story: The relationship of Ed and Stacy

Fun and Games: (pgs 26 – 45):
ED Meets STACY in the bar, pages 26 – 34. Alright, I liked the script until I got to this sequence:
(Note: I broke this sequence up into 3 parts: The Talk, The Dance, The Stall)
- Sex in the bathroom is too far for their first meeting, I wouldn’t have her commit the full sin yet. Make a passionate kiss on the dance floor or goodbye kiss works better because it will leave her in a guilty state and still yurning for more.  This sets up their huge love scene on the roof even more because: 1) it raises the stakes 2) The setting elevates the sin that she commits for the first time 3) progresses their relationship a lot stronger

- The Talk killed my interest in the Ed character. You revealed his entire story in a 5 page spread! The key to the Ed character is you have to make him charming and sensitive so that Stacy will fall back onto him, but also a little mysterious to keep her and the audience wanting to know more about him

- I understood what you were trying to do with the flashback scenes but they raised a serious problem. 2 rules of thumb on all flashbacks: Either the other characters are being told what the audience is seeing or they are kept in the dark about what the audience is seeing. It’s a major taboo to do both, because it will only cause confusion. Flashback 1 shows Ed getting attacked by Walter. Stacy then reacts to this story by asking if he went to the police. That tells me that while we were seeing a flashback, Ed was telling the story to Stacy. Flashback 2 starts and we see Ed go after Walter for revenge.  The Stacy says her line about taking the high road and it shows Ed’s character. PROBLEM!!!, If Ed tells Stacy the story of the second flashback her reaction better be a lot different than what she says, more like, “you did what? Blah blah blah” OR, if he did not tell her, then you have broken a role and need to do very creative writing to fix it. My advice, lose the 2nd flashback.

Flashbacks in themselves are tricky. I recently co-wrote a screenplay that uses flashbacks as a primary means of exposition and story progression and I’ll never do it again. . . . well, I say that now.

Pages 34 – 47 are very well written!!!!!!!!!!

Midpoint: (Pg 47) Midpoint is Paul and Stacy’s reunion. See below

“Bad Guys Close In” (Pgs 47-76): Great transition of bringing Paul back into the story and how the events have changed both him and Stacy.

All Is Lost Moment: Pg 76-78: Paul in a bar drinking again . . . . Well done Sir

Dark Night of the Soul: (Pgs 78 – 90):
- I HATE the fact that Mercer leaves his gun under the seat, BUT I LIKE the idea that he accidently leaves the car door unlocked. Mercer is a hero and the audience is cheering for him! Have Ed be hidden in the back seat, reach forward, and un-holster Mercer’s weapon quickly or have Ed get/have a gun earlier.  The audience will hate you for making our hero detective who is so close to putting away this psycho-stalker make 2 errors that result in his life, YET, they will be understanding of him accidently leaving his door unlocked and it results in his death

Break Into Act 3: (Pg 90)
Paul and the wanna-be piece of ganster cr**, I love the scene but I think it can be chopped down a little bit.

FINALE: (Pg 90 – 106)
- Paul and Ed shoot each other . . . . . and that’s it????? WHAT???? What a let down!! The audience knows and can see from a mile away that this confrontation would happen, and that is fine, but then it does . . . . and I felt so jipped. That’s like an epic fight for the world heavyweight championship and 1 guy KO’s the other guy after one punch. Yeah we’re glad Paul won and all, but he did it way too easily!! Where’s the drama?? Where’s the suspense??

- Paul kills himself. Really? You took the message of your movie, “when given a second chance, make it worthwhile” and completely went against it. . . . .

- Ed and Walter part deux . . . scene needs to be chopped down to a page and a half tops

- Mercer kills Ed . . . thank you!

IDEAS:
- I would swap the MERCER and KERR characters. Have MERCER be the older, more experienced Detective, solve the case and then his protégé KERR seek his revenge. It’s kind of cliché, but sometimes it’s better to embrace the cliché.

- I would make PAUL and STACY older than 28 and 30. I would age then to at least 35 because it makes more sense with ED being 40. Also makes the fact that they are so well off more believable.

- I would highly recommend opening the movie with Ed hitting Sam. Then we move to Paul walking into a subway station listening to Stacy’s message, he meets Stranger, Stranger kills himself. Ed calls it in. Paul meets Kerr. Paul goes home.

- Chop some dialogue between Stacy and Paul in the first 10 pages. So much more is said with silence! Make all their dialogue seem like they are forced to talk to each other. This will add to their re-union and all the emotion that has left their relationship

-  I think Paul wakes up about 10 pages too soon and it should be reserved for the midpoint in your script. Pages 30ish to your Midpoint are the “fun and games” segment of your script, don’t rush an end to it. Have some more mercer and Keer or another Ed and Stacy scene.

- Your Ending needs some serious work. I would rather see Paul and Ed getting into a serious death match in the apartment and Paul is killed, Ed gets away. Or vice versa.
1) Paul is killed and Keer makes it off that he went there to defend “Stacy’s honor” or something. Stacy is upset of course, but feels better knowing that Paul died for her and therefore he kept with your theme and tried to make his second chance worthwhile
2) Ed is killed. All these open police investigations are cleared up. Paul is in trouble, but he did greater good with his second chance.

OVERALL, you have a good story with a great theme. This draft is well written! But I think you are still a couple drafts away from competitions, festivals, optioning. You have great moments in your movie, but it still doesn’t know what kind of movie it is yet. Keep working on it! And lastly, GREAT JOB SIR!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the read, skylightlynch! Good stuff here. I agree with pretty much everything. There is a silver lining with the formatting structure (INSERTS, O.S., POV, ETC.)... I wrote on spec a few times, and man, the formatting suggestions were far different from what I was taught, so I guess I inherited some of those habits, still trying to quit them.

Can't thank you enough for the suggestions! Everything you've mentioned, I can pretty much use to the story's benefit.

As for titles, though Second Chances may be appropriate, it seems a bit boring. I'm satisfied with the title as is. And the ending... I guess I tend to go as far away from a Hollywood ending as I possibly can, but I guess if I want to sell or option this, perhaps it would benefit the story more to go the predictable route... I'm sure I'll think of something.

Thanks again!

No problem man. I enjoyed reading it and I seriously think you have something going for you. My advice again, don't rush into finishing your next draft. Take a little time off to allow some of the stuff to sink in and motivate you to get back into it. Send me a message or an email when you do finish it up though

If you feel like reading something else, I have a script I co-wrote up in the Thriller section called, "It Was A Sunday." It's a drama based psychological thriller. Love to hear your thoughts even if you only read a few pages