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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Has it Been Ten Years... Moderators: bert
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  Author    Has it Been Ten Years...  (currently 1562 views)
Don
Posted: November 15th, 2009, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Has it Been Ten Years... by Jason W - Comedy - When high school does not go your way...recreate it.  In pursuit of his long lost high school fantasy, Scott decides to sharpen his game by attending high school reunions from a little help from his friend Tobias. 79 pages - pdf, format


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lalaindahouse
Posted: November 20th, 2009, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Jason!

I read through the first four pages and things kinda stuck out for me:

1.  when a character is first introduced, his name should be CAPsed.
      ex.  ROGER SMITH, 17,....

2.  I read in some manuals, that one should avoid using boldface.  It detracts from the script.

3.  By pg. 4, you get into detail about how the guy wants to ask out the girl.  Don't tell, SHOW.  Also, be careful of verb tenses.  Although, many are active verbs, there are some that are passive.  Just keep an eye out for that.  

I like your dialogue so far and it has kept me interssted so far!  
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ajr
Posted: November 30th, 2009, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
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I read the first 5 pages and I thought the first exchange between Scott and Tobias was WAY too on the nose...

As lalai said, show - don't tell.  Also your opening super is just "SENIOR YEAR 1998" - this could be anywhere.  Give us the name of the high school, or the town?

Also your log reads "from a little help from his friend Tobias" - s/b "with".

If the writer's still around I'll give the rest of it a shot.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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