Take Care by R.E. McManus (Rendevous) - Series - In the city of Hedonista only one man takes care of business. 29 pages - pdf, format

Take Care Episode II - Kiss The Girls by R.E. McManus (Rendevous) - Series - Karl and McMenace meet. It isn't friendly.  35 pages - pdf, format

Take Care III - No Women... No Kids by R.E. McManus (Rendevous) - Series - Karl gets a new job. It's not quite what he expected. - pdf, format

Liked it, mostly.
sure you cant think of a better name for the city?
What are cuban heeled boots?
McMenace?  Sounds like a happy meal.
Liked the atmosphere of it, loved the dog.  That's prolly the best part.  There's so many scenes if movies where the badass has to convince the badguy to talk and blah blah blah.  Having a trained man-eating k9 kinda solves that problem nicely.  Though I dont get why the command to eat is strip.
Anyways, look forward to the next episode.

I agree you could get a better name for the city, maybe even the title itself.  Does 'Take Care' have some kind of meaning I missed?  Everything else is all dramatic and stylized, seems like the title should match.
That aside, I liked it.  Definately agree the dog is pretty badass.  
As an actual episode of a tv show the story is definately lacking, it could use a little more sense of the overall plot direction, just to hint that theres more to the story than him being a badass.
Though if this is just a start to a movie that youre putting up in parts then its alright.
Good start in any case.

Thanks Don for putting this up so quickly. You do good work sir.

Quoted from Ophelia Liked it, mostly. sure you cant think of a better name for the city?

Hello Ophelia,

How's Hamlet and Polonius these days?

Ah, I see you didn't like this as much as 'Green'. It is very different.

I quite liked the name Hedonista. I tried a few and that was the only one that seemed to fit.

Quoted from Ophelia What are cuban heeled boots?

Fancy boots with chunky heels. Don't they have Google where you live?

Quoted from Ophelia McMenace?  Sounds like a happy meal.

I BEG your pardon young lady? Did make me laugh that. We obviously move in very different circles.

Quoted from Ophelia Liked the atmosphere of it, loved the dog.  That's prolly the best part.

Ah, I hoped our nameless Rottweiler would be popular.

Quoted from Ophelia There's so many scenes if movies where the badass has to convince the badguy to talk and blah blah blah.  Having a trained man-eating k9 kinda solves that problem nicely.  Though I dont get why the command to eat is strip. Anyways, look forward to the next episode.

Indeed. I was trying to get this script to move as fast as possible within reason. And I really do like writing Karl and the dog.

The next episodes are being worked on. This does develop into an interesting story. But then again, I would say that, wouldn't I?

The command is "Strip" as in "Strip the flesh away from the bone"

Many thanks Opehlia. Read owed

Alright there Basement Jackx,

Quoted from jackx I agree you could get a better name for the city, maybe even the title itself.

Bloody hell. Another one. Hmmm. I'll consider.

Does 'Take Care' have some kind of meaning I missed?

I used it as many people use it as a farewell. It also has that Sopranos / Godfather / Goodfellas euphemistic meaning as in 'to take care of someone or something'. In plain language 'kill 'em' so the two opposite double meanings fitted my purpose.

Quoted from jackx Everything else is all dramatic and stylized, seems like the title should match. That aside, I liked it.  Definately agree the dog is pretty badass.

Glad you did. Maybe your position will change with more episodes. Then again, maybe not...

Quoted from jackx As an actual episode of a tv show the story is definately lacking, it could use a little more sense of the overall plot direction, just to hint that theres more to the story than him being a badass. Though if this is just a start to a movie that youre putting up in parts then its alright. Good start in any case.

I wrote it as a Sin City / Comic book style film or animation in the film noir style. As I said I think it does develop well. I'll bear in mind your comments when I come to rewrite it soon. Thanks Jackx, owe you one.


RV

Heyup Re,

I've just read part one, I thinks it's awesome. I was expecting something along the lines of 'The Key'. How wrong I was.

I couldn't help picturing it with 'Sin City' style visuals and gruff Yank accents.

The story is fantastic and very exciting, I was pretty disappointed when I reached the end.

Love the humour, the dog food on the genitals (and there's you telling me that there's a line...), and the descriptions work really well, with the detail of the coke mountain vibrating with the bass from the speaker etc.

McMenace...McManus! I take it this was intentional.

Absolutely top stuff as ever from you, Sir.

More please!

Craig

Soon Craig, soon. Down boy....

Part Two will be up as soon as I've finished the final Part Three.

Meanwhile...(Bill Hicks turns in his grave) Who Says The Words "Internet" And "Dating" Shouldn't Be In The Same Sentence? has just been submitted. And I'm rather proud of it too. Sorry Billy boy...

McMenace? Well, I wasn't referring to a Happy Meal, that's for sure. McMenace is in for a tough time in Part Two. I wonder how he'll do, the long haired shitehouse.

Ah yes. The dogs are not exactly friendly. And the Sin City type feel was exactly the atmosphere and style I was looking for.

Thanks fella. Good luck with Spiritual Connections. Now there's a series that deserves filming.

This meeting of The Mutual Appreciation Society is now closed! Please come again...


RV

Hey RV. I started this the other day and finished it just now.
Hmm, interesting. Let me state that I like your writing style - you know how to make us picture your characters and their dialogue is always cool.
the first couple of scenes were really good and set it up for something pretty full on.

However i feel it descended into a Bond type thing, which is ok but it didn't continue that way. the mixture of humour and violence didin't really gel for me.
And by the end, there was no real plot direction, I'm afraid. a lot of th etime it felt like you were making it up as you went along( nothing with that, I do it all the time with comedy. And i leave it as is). McMenace especially just swore(again, nothing wrong with that but it became a bit tedious). I'm not sure where the next ep will be headed but i'll check it out when its up.

a couple of techie points: Bradley having his Chum covered lamb lance ripped off should be a flashback - it happened in the past.
There's a couple of commas missing, which you'll find.
On page 21, the scene goes from th ecop shop to LATER - this should be anew slug with MCMENACES OFFICE or whatever it was earlier. the way it reads now, Mcmenace and Finister are in the cop shop, if you wanna be fussy.

Anyway, these are my thoughts. I'm sure you have direction mapped out for this RV. I was a little lost, that's all.  Maybe I need some direction...  cheers geezer

Evening Stevie lad,

Bloody hell. Have you been reading Pauline Kael or did your missus throw you out again?

Quoted from Stevie's Missus Get out of your house! And you can take your fecking Beatles records too... Ya bloody weirdo!

What I mean is I'm used to your reviews being on the 'cosy' side. It's nice to see you getting  a bit tougher, especially with the likes of me. As I always say - praise is great but it teaches you nothing. And every script could improve.

Quoted from The Walrus Hmm, interesting. Let me state that I like your writing style - you know how to make us picture your characters and their dialogue is always cool. the first couple of scenes were really good and set it up for something pretty full on.

That's all good. I tried to make it as fast and lean as I could.

Quoted from Eleanor Rigby However i feel it descended into a Bond type thing, which is ok but it didn't continue that way. the mixture of humour and violence didin't really gel for me.

Oh dear. Ah Mr. Sosea, let me tell you all about my dastardly plan while you plan your escape and then everything blows up.

Oh dearie me. Really? Bond? Actually I see what you mean and I'm just being silly again. Must. Grow. Up. Hmmm, that's unlikely now.

I knew it wouldn't be for everybody. I keep changing bits in each espisode as I continue. Which I think I should.

Quoted from Paperback Writer And by the end, there was no real plot direction, I'm afraid. a lot of th etime it felt like you were making it up as you went along( nothing with that, I do it all the time with comedy. And i leave it as is). McMenace especially just swore(again, nothing wrong with that but it became a bit tedious). I'm not sure where the next ep will be headed but i'll check it out when its up.

Bloody hell. Do you have toothache or something? That's a bit strong! I'd beg to differ about plot direction. But then of course I would...

I don't make it up as I go along you cheeky tart! I do actually have a plan before I write and I spend a good week milling over bits and the like. But if you don't like it that's fair enough. It is a bit different for me. As for McMenace swearing, as you know I'm very fond of swearing. It seemed appropriate for the piece. I saw it as a Sin City style affair.

Speaking of swearing - nice piece by in the paper by Jon Ronson about telling his 8 year old son the worst swearword in the world...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2007/jul/28/weekend.jonronson

Quoted from Clarabella a couple of techie points: Bradley having his Chum covered lamb lance ripped off should be a flashback - it happened in the past.

Ah now. I'm not sure I agree. The story doesn't really relate to a particular character so who would be having this flashback. It also doesn't relate to any plot points. It merely is a tale told because of what happened to Fat Man. I'd say it's pretty clear in the past. Calling it a flashback didn't seem right to me as the reader is already well aware what is happening.

Quoted from Lovely Rita There's a couple of commas missing, which you'll find.

I'll have a word with Craig. He's got hundreds going spare!

Quoted from Lady Madonna On page 21, the scene goes from th ecop shop to LATER - this should be anew slug with MCMENACES OFFICE or whatever it was earlier. the way it reads now, Mcmenace and Finister are in the cop shop, if you wanna be fussy.

Me, fussy? Silly and sweary and smoky is more my style. Hang on, I'll have a look...
Oh dear! I'll fix that. Well spotted young man.

Quoted from Sexy Sadie Anyway, these are my thoughts. I'm sure you have direction mapped out for this RV. I was a little lost, that's all.  Maybe I need some direction...  cheers geezer

Nope, all that was good Stevie and most helpful. I do have a plan for the man and he's getting there. I haven't yet seen this type of thing on SS so I wanted to have a go.

No Stevie lad. It's not direction you need, it's a drink. And I'm joking. I'm sure you already have one.

Thanks fella. Catcha soon. Now, get back to LA and finish that thing.

RV   

RV! Damn you're a funny prick! I could write a 100 page review and you could still have A DIFFERENT BEATLE SONG TO CALL ME!  Them lads were prolific!

Um, yeah, it was sorta funny writing my comments cos i was thinking, hmm, being vitriolic to one of RV's scripts is all F**king new to me.
I dunno, champ, this didn't resonate (look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls) with me for some reason.
Maybe when more eps emerge i'll see the whole damn picture.

The flashback? In retrospect you make sense. But it just read a little odd at the time. At the moment, it reads like its a CUT TO from the detective talking. actually I didn't realise at first it was the story told. Hang on! I think it could have a VO maybe? Perhaps someone else will enlighten us? A mod? Mr.Bush? The Baltmeister?

Anyhow VCR or what ever your F**king name is this week, i'm off to bed!

2 things: I haven't had a drink for two and a bit years! (might explain a few things) and  my kids are named after the Beatles - my daughter is Help McDonell and my son is Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except For Me And My Monkey McDonell.

Jokin'! My daughter is Abbey and my son is Cooper Lennon.  Cheers and the Irish were robbed by Thierry's hand! Twice!

Morning Stevie,

Quoted from Lucy In The Jude With Julia I dunno, champ, this didn't resonate (look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls) with me for some reason. Maybe when more eps emerge i'll see the whole damn picture.

I certainly hope so Stevie. I think you'll prefer the way it progresses. The opening had to go with a bang for me.

Quoted from Magical Maggie Mae Dysentry Mean Mr. Mustard Tour RV! Damn you're a funny prick!

Hey! There is nothing funny about my dingalong! Well, apart from when I do 'windmills' with it. That can be hours of fun. Nearly knocked the lamp over doing that night.

Quoted from Michelle dinging her bell. Ding dong. Anyhow VCR or what ever your F**king name is this week, i'm off to bed!

Quote of The Day that Stevie lad. Made me laugh for a good while. But don't read Sandra's response post below it, not unless you want to feel like you've taken some of that Lucy In Sky With Dispepsia type stuff.

Quoted from Old Brown Shoe kicking Polythene Pam 2 things: I haven't had a drink for two and a bit years! (might explain a few things) and  my kids are named after the Beatles - my daughter is Help McDonell and my son is Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except For Me And My Monkey McDonell. Jokin'! My daughter is Abbey and my son is Cooper Lennon.

You're weird. You don't drink? Jesus. If I didn't drink for just two days I'd be climbing the walls. Now, where's that whiskey?

Cooper? Do you like boxing or is it just you want the kid to make barrels and get beaten up at school or what?

Quoted from Dizzy Miss Lizzy Cheers and the Irish were robbed by Thierry's hand! Twice!

Quite so. Makes a change from the English. They were doing that to the Irish for centuries.

Thanks Stevie lad. Always interesting.

I've revamped the first one and I expect the second to go up once I've finished the series in a week or so. I'll be interested in your opinions on the subsequent episodes.

R(VCR)

RV

Interesting read you got here.  Different from your other scripts.  When I think of your main character Karl... punisher comes to mind.  I liked that character too.   You had a lot of action going on here, not a dull moment.

As usual you give a good visual of what's happening.  I loved the "Toledo" gun.

"Fuckoo" now that's a name.  How did you come up with that?

This was good read.  You plan on going to hollywood and showcase your talents?

Look forward to the next episode... oh, and TAKE CARE.

Ghostwriter22

Quoted from Ghostwriter22 RV

Ah GWTT, afternoon to you,

Quoted from Ghostwriter22 Interesting read you got here.  Different from your other scripts.  When I think of your main character Karl... punisher comes to mind.  I liked that character too.   You had a lot of action going on here, not a dull moment.

Thank you kind sir. I did endeavour to make this as different as I could from my other stuff. It's always interesting to roam into new territory. And I do try to make the style fit the story, rather than vice versa.

I'm not familiar with the Punisher. Hang on...

Just Googled him. Someone else mentioned him too. Sounds intriguing. Must delve further. And I did try and fill it with as much action as possible. Glad to know you think I succeeded. I aim to please.

Quoted from Ghostwriter22 As usual you give a good visual of what's happening.  I loved the "Toledo" gun. "Fuckoo" now that's a name.  How did you come up with that? This was good read.  You plan on going to hollywood and showcase your talents? Look forward to the next episode... oh, and TAKE CARE. Ghostwriter22

The gun took a while and a couple of drafts before it was close to getting there.

I'm currently working on a new draft which will go up before Part Two is posted. It should be sufficiently improved and different from the first to warrant a re-read.

If you like I can email you the current draft of Part Two. It too needs work so I'd like to see what you think of it in it's current form. PM me if you'd like to see a copy.

Fuckoo took hours to think of. Somewhat inspired by that city in Japan - : Fukuoka. I shoulda dropped the 'c'. I have now.

I have been to Hollywood. It's near Birmingham. Map.

Not much sign of a film industry, except a blue one.

There's an aptly named Golf Club nearby. Tommy P, Dreamscale And Silver Stevie are all apid up members. Strange, they always have the curtains drawn in the clubhouse and the nearest chemist is always out of Baby Oil and Vaseline. What can they be doing in there.

Thanks fella. And congrats on being the first to note the title's double meaning. Amazing how many times people say it without noticing.

RV

I started reading this a few days ago but real life stuff got in the way and I couldn't finish. I started again today and I think you might have a good thing going with this. I like the title, by the way. I think it's quite fitting.

It does leave me with lots of questions which will no doubt be answered in future episodes. Karl is some character, a man of very few words and his dog, well, that is a nasty little bugger. One minor complaint would be that we don't get to know Janine enough for her death to have any impact so early on.

Funny that a few people have mentioned Sin City. The first thing I thought of when reading was Mickey Rourke busting through the door at the start of that movie. If that was the mood you were aiming for, you have achieved that no problem.

Another minor complaint would be that there is no direct link between McMenace and Karl or any reason given as to why he wants him dead. Although I have no doubt you will answer this in a later episode, I think some hints may be needed until then. Maybe a reason why Karl kills Fat Man or link Fat Man to McMenace in some way.

All in all, a very enjoyable read. I will be sure to catch part two when it makes the rounds.

Brian

Quoted from Brian M ...and I think you might have a good thing going with this. I like the title, by the way. I think it's quite fitting.

Thank you Eighties Bri,

I had the tirle for a good few years. Surprised it's not been used before. I could only find an Indian TV series with it when I checked a while ago. And I do indeed hope I'm on a good thing.

Quoted from Brian M It does leave me with lots of questions which will no doubt be answered in future episodes.

We can but hope.

Quoted from Brian M Karl is some character, a man of very few words and his dog, well, that is a nasty little bugger.

No, actually he's a big nasty bugger. And I did spend a lot of time working on Karl.

Quoted from Brian M One minor complaint would be that we don't get to know Janine enough for her death to have any impact so early on.

I'm glad to report that there is now a new draft online that does change that scene quite a bit. I was using some scenes as flashbacks in futures episodes. Instead I've rewritten and hopefully improved the first few episodes including the debut.

Quoted from Brian M Funny that a few people have mentioned Sin City. The first thing I thought of when reading was Mickey Rourke busting through the door at the start of that movie. If that was the mood you were aiming for, you have achieved that no problem.

Thanks fella. I've tried to avoid the plot of that and Watchmen and gone for the feel and style of them instead.

Quoted from Brian M Another minor complaint would be that there is no direct link between McMenace and Karl or any reason given as to why he wants him dead. Although I have no doubt you will answer this in a later episode, I think some hints may be needed until then. Maybe a reason why Karl kills Fat Man or link Fat Man to McMenace in some way.

Indeed. Episode Two will explain this for you. And all are linked, at least by events.

Quoted from Brian M All in all, a very enjoyable read. I will be sure to catch part two when it makes the rounds. Brian

Thanks fella. Read owed. Episode Two has been submitted so should be with you shortly.

RV

Just to let you know Episode II is now online - many thanks Don.

I've revamped and expanded Episode I "Sosea" to 40 pages.

RV