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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Play Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 22nd, 2009, 8:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Play by Micah Cox - Action, Thriller - After a delusional gamer's family is kidnapped, he goes on a killing spree to keep them alive, but soon realizes that the terrorists are a figment of his imagination. 108 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 19th, 2010, 8:21pm
revised script
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jackx
Posted: December 1st, 2009, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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Right off the bat doesn’t sound too original, but I figured I’d check it out.
‘Tourgasim’?    HhhWhat?
Why is the series of images in Bold?
Mam is spelled ma’am. And you’re missing a comma
Do you mean the woman on the phone gives a detailed description of Ray’s Physique?  
‘We’re going to play a game?’  You sure that phrase isn’t copyrighted ?
How do we know that the guy is president of the gaming company?  All the audience sees is a man jogging, then shot.
Who is Kareem and why is he at the crime scene?
You don’t mention Ray is at the precinct until he’s looking around.
‘He moves to the toilet to regurgitate his thoughts’  Not really sure what your trying to say with that, but it’s something that cant be shown.
Is the Arabic subtitled?  How would we know what they’re saying.
Whats with all the middle easterns?  Is everyone in your script from the middle east?  
Why’s the janitor say cinco?  

Well I guess it is originaly enough, but also just a little too wacky.  Lots of typos throughout, a couple confusing scenes, you mave pretty abruptly between different locations and characters making it hard to follow.  Also you seem to want Ray to have both PTSD and be OCD, which seems a little over the top.

Thats all I have time for at the moment, would like to hear what you were trying to do with this.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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finaldraft25
Posted: December 7th, 2009, 3:53am Report to Moderator
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Tourgasim, if you don't get it I 'm not going to explain it to you...
There in BOLD so your eyes pay attention to important details...
Okay, you got me on the ma'am.  I will go back and correct that.
Yes, the woman on the phone gives a detailed description of Ray's physique.
We're going to play a game? COPYRIGHTED...LOL, There are tons of line in movies that been said before. Especially when it relates to specific types of movies that are similar in concept.
You know he's president because DETECTIVE KARIM JAFFAR, who is a detective by the way, THAT'S WHY HE'S AT THE CRIME SCENE, you obviously don't pay attention to the bold. Maybe I should magnify the font 100 for your eyes...Anyways he says Herman Cobb. President of Activision gaming.
Don't mention Ray was at the precinct until he was looking around? Once again, I will leave that one alone.
Moved to the toilet to try to regurgitate his thoughts...yes it's not shown. But in scripts you can every know and then get away with description if it's both subtly and tastefully done. Are you a screenwriter?
Yes the arabic is subtitled.
And as far as the middle easterns/They are AL Qaeda terrorist cells....ummm. Damn.
GAME OVER.  
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from finaldraft25
Tourgasim, if you don't get it I 'm not going to explain it to you...
There in BOLD so your eyes pay attention to important details...
Okay, you got me on the ma'am.  I will go back and correct that.
Yes, the woman on the phone gives a detailed description of Ray's physique.
We're going to play a game? COPYRIGHTED...LOL, There are tons of line in movies that been said before. Especially when it relates to specific types of movies that are similar in concept.
You know he's president because DETECTIVE KARIM JAFFAR, who is a detective by the way, THAT'S WHY HE'S AT THE CRIME SCENE, you obviously don't pay attention to the bold. Maybe I should magnify the font 100 for your eyes...Anyways he says Herman Cobb. President of Activision gaming.
Don't mention Ray was at the precinct until he was looking around? Once again, I will leave that one alone.
Moved to the toilet to try to regurgitate his thoughts...yes it's not shown. But in scripts you can every know and then get away with description if it's both subtly and tastefully done. Are you a screenwriter?
Yes the arabic is subtitled.
And as far as the middle easterns/They are AL Qaeda terrorist cells....ummm. Damn.
GAME OVER.  


You have a total of one post.  This is not a good way to start out.

"Tourgasim"  maybe you can't explain it.  Fancy words like this only turns your readers off.

Your logline did nothing for me.  For a action/adventure, your title is absolutely horrible.  Not an attention grabber and it should be for a script like yours.  You might want to change it after you decide to come up with a title page because you really need one.  An amateur mistake.

So being in the Christmas spirit, I decided to give this a go.  Reading all the text in bold and underlined got tedious and tiresome after awhile.  I know several previous reviewers made mention of this.  
For good reason-- we can't have you thinking scripts are written that way.  Nothing but roadblocks telling the reader to make a u-turn and head in the other direction.

A good writer can get the visual across without doing unnecessary things like that.  Nothing but amateur stuff.

Will forgo all your grammical errors.  Run spell check.

Redundancy is a big problem with your writing.  One or two fine but I counted over 12 instances .  If you don't know what that is... then I'll explain it too you...

Things like this...

page#83
INT. ABANDONED FACTORY - NIGHT
The factory is dark.  (How about Dark and press on...)
You want to avoid things like this.

page#77
Jason's Mustang turns.  He SLAMS on the brakes.  Ray stands in the middle of the road.  Jason has no choice but to stop.
(No kidding.  99.9% of the time if someone slams on the brakes, there going to stop or skid and stop whether they want too or not.)  Words doing nothing but taking up space.

page#73
She's dressed scantily, in a bathrobe that exposes her bra and panties.  This is like saying...

He's eating a Big Mac, two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.

She's dressed in a bathrobe that exposes her bra and panties.  (This line isn't great but it's better then what you got)

Your writing is full of stuff like this.

page#65

Between Ray and the Gamekeepers dialogue, you have a huge gap that really needs to be filled in.

Throughout your script, your sluglines are jacked up.  It should be...

EXT.  STREET - NIGHT, not EXT.  STREET- NIGHT

FADE TO BLACK and FADE OUTS, leave this stuff for the Spec scripts or the experts.  But if you choose to tinkle with these things, then you really need to FADE IN.

The list goes on and one man.  Again, these are amateur mistakes.  Needless to say I stopped at page 10 and skimmed through the rest.  

You may have a story here but after your infamous quote... your going to be hard pressed to get anyone to read this or anything else you decide to submit from this day forward.  Well, maybe a newbie like yourself.

Other then that, nothing original, it's been done before and alot better then what you got here.

Ghostwriter



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
ghost and_ghostie gal  -  December 8th, 2009, 3:55am
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rendevous
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 4:08am Report to Moderator
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I flicked through the comments earlier and thought.... Let's see.

I would usually be more polite and tempered in my comments but hey! You seem to give as good as you get.

Lost of past tense going here. Isn't all this suposed to be happening now, on screen, in front of us? Some examples....


Quoted from Play
...over the Hollywood sign headed for the city of L.A.

Darkness. A switch is FLIPPED.

Suddenly, black gloves are placed over their mouths...


And that's just the opening page.

Call me old fashioned and fuddy duddy, I get called worse, but I like a title page at the start of my scripts. Same as I like covers on my books and boxs for DVDs.

Lots of stylised writing going on here. Lots of telling and not showing too. Hey, I'm all for asides. But they have to be limited, and telling not showing is never good.

And what's with all the bold and italics? Words just not enough?

These for instance...


Quoted from Play
Raymond Burns is about to escape into another world...

..The Manager’s not impressed.

She pops her chewing gum, looking burdened. Ray’s annoyed.

Ray looks
at the old man in a TRANCE.


I could go on. I read further but what's stopping me from continuing past the gateway that is page 10 is all this overstylised and often confused descriptions.

I'm not saying you're a bad writer. I'm saying there's a few styles melded together here that make it difficult to read. I think you've yet to find your voice as a writer.

Hey, for all I know you could a be a full time or semi pro writer. If so, great! Just my humble opinion. It's a hard read at the moment. And it is supposed to be enjoyable.


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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finaldraft25
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 4:15am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to everyone for their replies and opinions. Don't mean to come off as harsh or unable to take criticism, because that's not true. I'm very open to criticism. But I just joined a very successful group for screenwriters and we were discussing this very topic in our class. On how feedback can be useful, and it can also be hurtful and damaging to the writer when it's coming from other amateurs. Especially on the internet. By no means am I saying that I am a great writer, and my script is so much better than others. I have a long way to go just like all the rest of us in the crazy business. But it seems as though people just look to criticize for the sake of criticizing and everyone wants to tell you what you can and cannot do. PLAY was the first script I had ever written. I just found out today that it made the semifinals of a national screenwriting competition. And when I wrote it back in 2007 it attracted the attention of an agent. I plan to go back and look for some of these mistakes, and even do a complete rewrite. But as far as comments like Play is a horrible title for this genre and not an attention grabber? It's a action script...look up the definition of PLAY. I just posted my second script THE LEGAL GUARDIAN in the thriller section. That also placed in the semi-finals of a national screenwriting competition.  And I just completed my third. I'm hoping to get better with each script I write. But I'm putting myself in position to learn from the pro's, not writers who are jaded, or angry at the world. And have no clue what the hell they are talking about.
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rendevous
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from finaldraft25
But I'm putting myself in position to learn from the pro's, not writers who are jaded, or angry at the world. And have no clue what the hell they are talking about.


Great!

If you don't want an answer, why ask a question?

Hmm. I'll put a script up on the internet and then dismiss every criticism I receive. I wonder how far I'll get? Really? That far? Wow.

Good luck.



Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  December 8th, 2009, 4:31am
Thia Pose
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finaldraft25
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 4:39am Report to Moderator
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Didn't say I dismissed all of the criticism. Some of it was useful and I appreciated it. I posted it to see how people would respond. And I was hoping to get some useful feedback.  You don't like it, no sweat off my back. Does that answer your question?
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George Willson
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from finaldraft25
But it seems as though people just look to criticize for the sake of criticizing and everyone wants to tell you what you can and cannot do. ... But I'm putting myself in position to learn from the pro's, not writers who are jaded, or angry at the world. And have no clue what the hell they are talking about.


Having been part of this community for several years, you actually run into very few jaded, angry writers on here who are looking to criticize for the sake of being critical. Most people who read a script and give you feedback are giving you their honest opinion on what you wrote. Just like any feedback, you can take it or leave it. I have personally grown as a writer being on this site from the feedback I've gotten and grown just as much by reading others' works and giving them feedback. Note that when you write something, you are doing it for an audience, and that audience will have an opinion. It's worthwhile to listen to all opinions, whether they praise or criticize, because there's always some grain of usefulness in there somewhere.

I think it's interesting that you assume we're all a bunch of jaded amateurs. Truth be told, we all have varying degrees of skill from those who just like to read, those who want to write, those who have written a ton, to contest winners, to those who have been produced by both amateurs and professionals. Really, you have a cross section of writers that represent all facets of the learning curve.

So while we seem to have gotten off to a rough start here, can we take a step back and try again?


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finaldraft25
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Once again, my response is taken out of context. I didn't say that ALL of the writers who give feedback on this site are a bunch of jaded amateurs. Some of the feedback was very useful. But it's people who want to make snide little comments and put up a quote to show their wit, that I respond to. This isn't a pissing contest. It is about growth and taking what you get to make yourself better. I'm learning that just as we all should. To the moderator George Wilson, yes we can step back and try again. But I would appreciate it if you could take PLAY off the site. I'd like to leave THE LEGAL GUARDIAN on the site because I believe it shows my growth as a writer. Like I said PLAY was the first script I had written, and I'm still trying to find my voice as a writer.  I will try to be more reserved in my responses next time, no matter what.

Thanks, Micah

-"MORE POWERFUL THAN THE WILL TO WIN, IS THE COURAGE TO BEGIN".
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Shelton
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from finaldraft25
I would appreciate it if you could take PLAY off the site.


You have to send a request to Don to have work removed.  Mods can't do that.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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