SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:58pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Get Out of Dodge Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 9 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Get Out of Dodge  (currently 1010 views)
Don
Posted: December 6th, 2009, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Get Out of Dodge by Richard E Massey (RickCoMatic) - Short - A card-trick magician has been working as a con-man playing Poker supporting himself and his girlfriend assistant.  When they decide to cheat some high-rollers in Las Vegas, ... things go BAD! Now, the magician needs to disappear.  And, getting out of Vegas unnoticed is going to take some "Black Magic!"  5 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Online
Site Private Message
Baltis.
Posted: December 6th, 2009, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



You did a little magic on this script yourself... Hell, you had to have because you seemingly made any entertainment vanish while reading this.  You set up too many things to wrap it up in barely 5 pages.  This thing goes nowhere faster than a man on house arrest.  The sad thing is you over write all your action slugs.  They come in at 5 and 6 lines every turn you get.  No more than 4, please.

Your logline also drags like a hit from a joint laced with dog shit.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 12
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: December 6th, 2009, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29
RickComatic

No title page-- your formatting is off-- too many grammical errors.  But these are the least of your problems.  I don't know what you have here, but it's not a script.  "Show don't tell."  This reads like a novel man.

Big chucks of paragraphs-- you dont even CAP your characters when you introduce them.  You really need too.   Just some of the highlights of passages from your... script.

He's about ready to go down to the high-stakes poker room disguised... applying one of the many disguises he's used in the past several days... he telephones a very unique escort service pro he knows he can trust and spells-out the predicament... Rye needs some professional help...ect.

The list goes on and on man.

Lots of passive verbiage too.

I was disappointed in this little piece of yours.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 12
RickCoMatic
Posted: December 6th, 2009, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Billerica, Massachusetts  USA
Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.00
Baltis:
It's the first script I ever wrote.  I submitted it to a weekend 5 page contest.  They gave me a B+.  Maybe if it had a stoned vampire in it you'd like it better.  I'ii never try taking a hit of a joint laced with dogshit.  But, since you confess to knowing what that tastes like, I got to figure you must be one, substance abusing, crazy-ass fool to think you can get high smoking dog turds and be taken seriously.  Brings a whole new meaning to dog's breath, don't it?  

Ghostwriter:
Thank you very much.
I appreciate the constructive critique!
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 3 - 12
cloroxmartini
Posted: December 6th, 2009, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.14
Besides the formatting and character intro issues, there's nothing for me to grab on to. Things don't go bad, they already are bad for the high-roller, which we don't really get to see. We also don't get to see that he's a con man, or a poker player. We don't even see them cheat anyone. So everything you set up has no anchor, it's just there. Being lovely ladies is not new, either. You set it up as a big secret, like I'm going to get the biggest escape surprise of my life, but the escape is not new by any stretch, so that's a let down after all of your hard work. This is a piece of a larger puzzel and without the rest of the pieces it ends up where a lone puzzel piece ends up.

The good part is that you set it up for what it is.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 12
Breanne Mattson
Posted: December 6th, 2009, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1347
Posts Per Day
0.20
You have a long first paragraph that tells us a bunch of stuff about the main character but doesn’t show us all it describes. How would viewers of a produced film know he’s a magician? How would a viewer know his disguise is one of many he’s used in the past? We’re starting in the present, not the past. How do we know he’s about to go down to a high stakes poker room? How do we know he’s going to an AARP convention?

If we were watching the completed film, based on your first description paragraph, which is 8 lines long, we would see a guy dressing up like an elderly person in a hotel suite with a briefcase full of money. That’s all you can really say about what we would actually see on screen at that point.

You often tell us things you haven’t shown. How do we know who his old mark is when we see him?

You tend to use a lot of words to tell us things we wouldn’t see on screen anyway. For example:

“Rye is flying-low putting-together the plan that he’s going to use to escape from the hotel without being caught.”

Escape without being caught? What other type of escape is there? Why not just say, “Rye is flying-low, putting-together his escape plan”? Even that is pointless because it’s already understood he’s trying to escape. Also “flying-low” doesn’t really tell us what exactly he’s doing.

How do we know Loretta is an escort service pro? Or that she’s very unique? You make these points as if they’re important but by what you’ve written, we wouldn’t see any of this. You have to write what we see on screen. That’s the writer’s job. You don’t have to tell every little detail but you can’t be this vague either.

Half-our - half-hour

First it’s Loretta at the pharmacy and then you say Janis bought the supplies.

The writing could be a lot more economical. It’s very choppy.

There’s also an issue with the plot. Why in the world does Ryder spend all night putting on a new disguise when he’s already putting on a disguise at the very beginning? The picture the baddies are showing is of Ryder disguised as a cowboy. He’s disguising himself as an elderly man at the very beginning. Why not just finish that disguise and walk right out the front door?

Good luck with rewrites.


Breanne



Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 12
RickCoMatic
Posted: December 6th, 2009, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Billerica, Massachusetts  USA
Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.00


Thank you very much, Ladies and Gentlemen, with the obvious exception!
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 6 - 12
Trojan
Posted: December 7th, 2009, 9:16am Report to Moderator
New


Location
Australia
Posts
393
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hey man, I just browsed through the comments and basically everything has already been said. My first thought was that you have written this more like a novel, as Ghostwriter pointed out. We have to actually see the story taking place on the screen, so 90% of the information in this story will be lost on the audience because you have told us and not showed us. Watching this short would make no sense at all.

A LOT of formatting problems here and many, many errors. I see you mentioned it is your first script so that sort of explains it. Read a lot of scripts and get a feel for how they are written. Work on your dialogue too. In this script it doesn't sound right, like it was set in the 1950s or something.

You should have a bigger space between your action lines and your scene headings. It is too cramped. Also you need to spell out your numbers, you can't have '25-hundred bucks' or '20 minutes'. Cut your action paragraphs down. A lot. Don't write multiple visuals all into one run-on sentence. Give them their own line.

It's good that you're entering competitions, but take their feedback with a grain of salt. Do they know what they are talking about? Are they telling you what you want to hear to keep your business? No offence, but this is a long way off a B+ script. Keep writing new stories though and they'll soon improve.

Cheers,
Tim.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 12
RickCoMatic
Posted: December 7th, 2009, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Billerica, Massachusetts  USA
Posts
5
Posts Per Day
0.00

When I write "25-hundred dollars" it's in Format.  Maybe the wrong format.  But, I have spent a lifetime making sure those who read my copy don't make mistakes.  I may have to change a few things.  Like not writing in the format of The Associated Press Broadcast Stylebook.  But, the A-P Stylebook for Broadcaster's makes writing what you intend for the audience to hear, read without the person reading the copy left to say it in some other way.
So, there a habit to break.  Maybe.

Looks like I can get into the "Preferences" of the Screenwriting Software and make a different selection or two to deal with Spacing and Auto-Capitalization to correct a few other things that have everybody having convulsions.
I can deal with that, too.

What I can't do is undo my first impression of this site.
I was expecting guidance and constructive criticism.
Not some rude, offensive and belittling comment that a Moderator didn't edit.
That's far more embarrassing for everyone than it was for me.
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 8 - 12
ajr
Posted: December 7th, 2009, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
Rick,

I read your piece last night and I wasn't going to comment on it because you got some good and very generous feedback from writers who are really very busy writing their own stuff - until I saw this:

"When I write "25-hundred dollars" it's in Format.  Maybe the wrong format...  So, there a habit to break.  Maybe."

No, definitely. Take this advice from the original non-conformist - you have to first know the rules in order to then break them.  Writing differently does not make you fresh and original. The rules exist so that producers and directors know exactly how much film they're going to use, what their budget is, and can compare scripts "apples to apples".

As far as this site is concerned, I'm somewhat new here, and everyone has been fantastic.  If you approach situations - and people - with respect, you will get that in return.  Sure, someone might try for a laugh at the expense of someone who's new, but you know what?  Baptism by fire. Paying your dues.  Pick your own cliche.  You've gotta have a thick skin and be willing to subjugate any ego you may have in order to learn and improve from people who are better at this than you (or me).

As far as your work, my suggestion last night was going to be that you completely novelize this - write it in short story form so that you can be as liberal as you like with the narrative, dialogue, scene descriptions, etc.  It might help you develop your story and characters more. Then, reverse-engineer it into script form - in the proper format.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 12
Baltis.
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 12:05am Report to Moderator
Guest User



If you're trying to be a screenwriter you're going to get more than just that... Trust me.  I've been ripped to shreds in person.  How's that suppose to make me feel?  Did I cry? Nope... I said "thank you for your time... &, by the way, I think you're wrong."  I walked out and said I'd make sure my work was at a level that even if it wasn't appealing to the next person I shop it to; it'd still meet unbelievable standards set by the people who criticized me. That, no matter what, it'd be a movie I would want to spend money to see.

I mean, fuck dude... You have no format at all here.  None.  You say you entered this into a contest and they gave you a B+ on it... I don't see that happening unless the contest was being run by blind circus elephants with disabled trunks.  You wrote this like a novel. It's all in narrative form... It's all in past tense. Movies are NOW! Today... Here! This SECOND!  I don't see any of that.  I don't see a title page.  I see FADE IN: centered under your title on the 1st page and it looks like junk.  You don't space after your scenes... You just go on and on with mistake after mistake.  I don't see anything here that says B+, other than the fact you profoundly knew to space TWICE after a period in dialogue.  

So, while you don't think you got any guidance and you feel a little butt hurt right now... Don't.  I read your work for free and told you what I didn't like about it.  I'm sorry you didn't comprehend.  Could've been worse... You could've paid 300 bucks for similar comments from a registered script consultant like I use to do.  Then your feelings would really be hurt, only there isn't a moderator to make it all go away.

Revision History (1 edits)
Baltis.  -  December 8th, 2009, 12:34am
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 12
Trojan
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 2:24am Report to Moderator
New


Location
Australia
Posts
393
Posts Per Day
0.07

Quoted from RickCoMatic

When I write "25-hundred dollars" it's in Format.  Maybe the wrong format.  But, I have spent a lifetime making sure those who read my copy don't make mistakes.  I may have to change a few things.  Like not writing in the format of The Associated Press Broadcast Stylebook.  But, the A-P Stylebook for Broadcaster's makes writing what you intend for the audience to hear, read without the person reading the copy left to say it in some other way.
So, there a habit to break.  Maybe.


There's no maybe about it, mate. It is incorrect format, plain and simple. You can't write a screenplay according to format intended for broadcasters. It is a completely different medium. You need to write according to proper screenwriting format.


Quoted Text
Looks like I can get into the "Preferences" of the Screenwriting Software and make a different selection or two to deal with Spacing and Auto-Capitalization to correct a few other things that have everybody having convulsions.


No need to be so condescending. Nobody is having convulsions, they are giving you feedback and telling you how to improve your script. After all, isn't that why you posted it here?


Quoted Text
What I can't do is undo my first impression of this site.
I was expecting guidance and constructive criticism.
Not some rude, offensive and belittling comment that a Moderator didn't edit.
That's far more embarrassing for everyone than it was for me.


Toughen up and cop it on the chin. As Balt said, writing is a tough business. You are going to receive a lot of criticism. Best learn to deal with it now. You received a lot of constructive criticism from writers more experienced than you who are trying to point you in the right direction. The truth is, your script has a huge amount of errors. You have to approach this with an open mind and the attitude that you have a lot to learn or else you are never going to get any better. Appreciate the feedback you get, whether you agree with it or not. And don't forget to repay the favour and read other people's work. You'll get more read of your own stuff that way.

But if this site is not for you and you don't like it, no one has a gun to your head forcing you to use it.

Cheers,
Tim.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 12
bert
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 8:23am Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61

Quoted from RickCoMatic
I was expecting guidance and constructive criticism.


You got some of that -- take the good with the bad, you know?


Quoted from RickCoMatic
Not some rude, offensive and belittling comment that a Moderator didn't edit.


Yeah, well...we don't always catch everything.  Not like it's a paid position or anything -- and the benefits are for shit haha.

You could always be a little proactive and let us know when something like that occurs.  The "Report" button up there on the upper right is not just to look pretty.

But I did get rid of one post all on my own this morning.

Best, Ric.  Sounds to me like you can take it, so suck it up and move on.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 12
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006