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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Soulshadows II: My Soul To Take Moderators: bert
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  Author    Soulshadows II: My Soul To Take  (currently 5134 views)
Don
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Soulshadows II: My Soul to Take by Jordan Wiebe (theboywhocouldfly) (Tanis by Robert Newcomer) - Series, Supernatural - During the heat of battle a young soldier must face the pain of his past. 33 pages - pdf, format

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Enjoy other scripts in the SoulShadows II Series or the first season of SoulShadows


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  December 8th, 2009, 9:39pm
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grademan
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Jordan,

I liked this one. A lot. It read quickly and was a page turner for me. Some wording was a bit odd but I think that's a given when reading someone else's writing.

Bert,

Tanis was very philosophical about love at the end. I liked it!

Good job to both of you.

Gary
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chism
Posted: December 8th, 2009, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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Jordan,

This was a pretty cool script (okay, I only listened to it but whatever). Flowed very nicely, had some interesting dialogue and it was pretty amusing hearing the iScript guy curse so much. I guess that's part of the reason why you put so much in there, eh?  

I guess what's lacking in the script is anything really supernatural. This series is kind of known for its strange, paranormal doings and there's basically nothing like this until the very end, and even then it's kind of debatable as to what actually happens. I liked the sort of open-endedness of it, but it wouldn't hurt to bolster the supernatural element of the story in a few places, maybe somehow establish that this locket has some kind of other worldly shades to it other than glowing in the dark.

Other than that, this was a really nice script. Tightly told with some surprisingly vivid characters and well-written action scenes. Good job!  
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screenrider
Posted: December 9th, 2009, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this.  --SPOILER-- I didn't see the Bruce Willis Sixth Sense bit coming.     Check rule on comma placement, and fix typos.
pg. 24) another time & whatever need to be capitalized.
pg. 26) blood spill out of his neck, -- should be blood spills out of his neck.
pg. 26) he stumbles as Bullets whiz by --should be bullets.  
pg. 2 every things gonna be okay --should be everything's gonna be okay.
pg. 30) hid jaw drop - should be his jaw drops.
  
My only other advice is when Samantha dies,  maybe add some emotion from Travis.  Crying, a scream of anguish, something.
Overall, great job on story telling.  
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The boy who could fly
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 12:42am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Gary, Matt and Michael for the reads and comments, I know this might not be as supernatural as the others, but I wanted to try a little something different but still keep in spirit of the series.


Quoted from screenrider

My only other advice is when Samantha dies,  maybe add some emotion from Travis.  Crying, a scream of anguish, something.


I actually had that in my first draft but I took that out, for some reason it didn't feel right to me and I'm not sure why.

Thanks again for your reads.


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steven8
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 2:32am Report to Moderator
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**SPOILERS**

This is a very sweet and sad story.  I really cared about Travis and Samantha, not to mention all of the people who's various body parts were flying hither and yon.  The graphic depiction of the battles were quite. . . graphic.  Would be tough to shoot, but they certainly get the point across.

It's almost as thought Travis joined to commit suicide.  I couldn't blame him, and he was justly rewarded, by being back with Samantha.

Sweet, very touching story.  I really liked this.  Oh yes, I also love the title.  Well chosen.

One thing, barely, is misspelled as barley in a couple of places.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the read and comments Steven, I am glad you enjoyed it!


Quoted from steven8

It's almost as thought Travis joined to commit suicide.  


Yeah, I would agree on that!  Thanks again for the read!


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James McClung
Posted: December 10th, 2009, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad. Pretty brutal as you'd expect from war. Dialogue was pretty decent and fits the time. The romantic subplot was also well written and served as a decent contrast to all the blood and guts. My only problem with the script was that the romantic subplot shouldn't have been a subplot. The locket is the object Tanis introduces in the beginning and while it's not so much in the background, it definitely doesn't feel like the main plot. It should be. What you've got now is a war story with a supernatural element. Should've been the other way around.

This is all based on what Soulshadows is supposed to be though. This stands pretty strong on its own. Either way, I would've liked to have seen more of the supernatural side of things. There's just less of a need for it if you look at the story on its own terms.


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Dreamscale
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan, just saw that this was posted on Tuesday, so I immediately gave it a read.  I did not take any notes, so my comments will be general in nature.

There were a lot of mistakes throughoutÖtypos, spelling, grammar (lots of missing commas), awkward phrasing, etc.  I saw one 5 line passage that should be cut down to 4, and one Slug that was a Flashback that wasnít labeled as such.  Iíd say this could have used another edit, and it would have read so much better.

This read very quickly though, and had a realistic vibe to it, which I liked.  The dialogue was pretty good, and you managed to create some characters that I actually cared for and could relate with.  Thatís not easy to do, so Kudos on that!

This is a very violent script.  I love graphic violence in scripts and movies, but in this case, it felt like it was a bit too gratuitous, and overblown.  IMO, this kind of situation (war) doesnít really need to have every bloody, graphic detail spelled out, again and again.  The first few times set the tone nicely, but it went a little overboard with all the descriptions of peopleís torsos and limbs landing here and there.  I think it was Captain Bannermanís demise that sealed it for me with the ďjust too much and over the topĒ violence.

As a war story, this worked OK.  As a love story of sorts, it worked OK.  But as a Soul Shadows, supernatural tale, this didnít work at all, Iím afraid to say.  The locket itself had absolutely nothing going for it and really nothing to do with anything.  Such devices are common in all sorts of romantic stories, and this one was no different and had no special powers, etc.  Someone else mentioned ďThe Sixth SenseĒ twist, but personally, I donít even see that.  IMO, he dies at the end and sees his girl in Heaven.  If this was all supposed to be in his head as he laid dying, it didnít come across that way at all.

Even Tannisí intro and xtro seemed to be searching for some way to tie this into a supernatural tale, but since itís not, it just didnít work either.  Donít get me wrong here, I liked Tannisí segments, as I always do, but itís apparent that even she (Bert) didnít have much to work with.

So, Jordan, I like this story for what it is, but I donít like it for what it was supposed to be.  Another edit or 2 would have really helped.  If you cut down on the graphic violence in your very exact, detailed descriptions, I think the violence would have come across a bit better, and maybe even more powerfully. Sometimes, less is more, and I think this is a perfect example of that.

Itís a good read though, bud.  Keep Ďem coming.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James and Jeff, thanks for the read guys, I knew while writing this there was going to be some objection for the story not being as supernatural as the other entries in the series, but I still feel it does fit, obviously more than others think...lol, but that's ok, I was prepared for those objections, and I do understand where you guys are coming from.  Thanks again for taking the time to read it though and for your comments, much appreciated.


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mcornetto
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan gave this a listen and I thought the performance was great.  Something to proudly show off.  

I have to agree with most of the people here who say this is a war movie with a minor love story inside.   But you did both of them very well.   I could easily see this on a screen.

As far as the Soulshadows requirement goes, I think this hit it.  It was different from the purely supernatural stories but it did have that theme - if only as a minor one.   And I think it exhibited your style well - even down to the eye jelly.

You did a very good job with this.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Cornetto, I'm glad you liked the eye jelly   I know this was more of a war story than anything else, but it is what I wanted to do, I'm happy that you thought it fit the series.  Thanks again for the read.


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alffy
Posted: December 12th, 2009, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan

Well this is the first iscript I've listened to and it was difficult to make notes at the same time.

What I will say though is, this was excellent and I really enjoyed it.  It was brutal in places and then drifted into real moments of emotion.  

You painted a great picture of a bloody battlefield and the horror that the young men had to endure.  The flashbacks worked well and helped show the importance of the locket and the conclusion was nicely done too.

Sorry I've not much else to say but there's anything that really stood out on the negative side, so I just have to say that this was a great 'listen'.

Good work mate.


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You can find my scripts here
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The boy who could fly
Posted: December 12th, 2009, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Allfy, thanks for giving this a listen, glad that you enjoyed it,

I thought the reader did a pretty good job with this one, I'm guessing he's a voice actor or sumttin', but I think he's pretty good.

Thanks again for your comments.


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stebrown
Posted: December 13th, 2009, 5:19am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan, I'm at work today so gave this a read. Haven't listened to the iscript yet but will do at some point. I think this might be the first script I've read from you actually.

To start off with I really like the premise but I'm not too sure that it was quite fulfilled. Travis gives Samantha the necklace and then she dies so he gets the necklace back. I kinda figured that she was dead and that's why he enlisted but I don't really get the point of the necklace. For me, you could have either had it protect him or hunt him down. Samantha in a way would then be his guardian angel or dragging him to her. As it stands, the necklace doesn't play a big enough part for me... if you take it out of the script, the only thing you lose is that nobody will find out about Samantha, I don't think it has a big enough bearing on the story.

The action was gruesome and excellently written. Everything was easy to picture and follow. I also thought the dialogue came across quite natural and helped to develop the two main characters. Captain Bannerman was a stand-out character aswell. We've seen characters like that before but I enjoyed your take on it.

The end was a bit of a let-down for me. I thought you did a great job with all the flashbacks upto the final one and as I said above I thought the necklace could have had a bigger impact on the direction of the story.

Good work!

Ste


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