New Year's Eve by Anthony Russo (ajrscreenworks) - Short, Crime, Thriller - After meeting online, a loner and a temptress meet for a date on New Year's Eve. 21 pages - pdf, format

Good job.  A real page turner.  

A few typos:
pg. 1) Ty says why the old man holding this meeting on New Year’s Eve day? -- I'm not sure i f this was meant to be slang, but shouldn't he say "why's"?
pg. 10) No description of where Will and Jenny are.  
pg. 15) Cobs and robbers -- should be cops.
My only other thoughts,  Danny's story would've made for a great flashback with V.O.  whether it was fabricated or not.   I also would've liked to see Will reach into his glove box and pull out a snub nose .38 at the end.  

Again, nice job.

screenrider,

Thanks - I think I rushed this because I wanted to get it up before the seven week challenge. I hate typos... damn.

Pretty cool suggestion about Will at the end, too.  Maybe I'll redo this thing at some point and expand it a little.  Appreciate the read!

AJR

Really good writing. A few things that stood out for me:

Jenny’s incessant smoking got a little old after a while. I realize you injected into it about every action you could come up with for a restaurant scene but after a while the constant smoking descriptions came off a little like the well ran dry.

The cop characters turned out to be nothing more than informer characters. That’s not too horrible. Such characters are often unavoidable. And the beach scene was good for breaking things up so they weren’t just talking at the station all the time. But the fact that they essentially just bring a bunch of exposition to help explain the plot was a little disappointing after the time invested into them.

I’m not sure it’s totally successful as a mystery. I mean, I knew the killer had to be one or the other, you know? Still, I didn’t really know until the informers gave me enough information so in that regard it worked.

“Shrugs his shoulders” - could just say shrugs

Overall, the writing is really good. No major issues. For a short, and with such limited room to expand, I thought you told the story very well. Very nice straightforward storytelling. Flowed well. Holds interest. Overall, really good.  Nice work.


Breanne

Thanks Breanne - I did think about going to the apartment, etc. with the cops but then I thought it might detract from letting the back and forth between Will and Jenny play out.  Excellent point though.  I spent time on their descriptions and gave them a personality, so maybe I should have used them more?

Appreciate the read - AJR

Hi AJR,

A great short- well written and paced. The dialogue seemed very realistic, the awkward first-meeting conversation was particularly good.

SPOILERS!

I agree completely with screenriders comment- because although you had revealed the gun in Jenny's purse, I was still not 100% certain that she was the New Years killer, and showing Will also having the same gun would really make a great open ending.

Great work, thoroughly enjoyed it.

Craig

Craig,

Hey, spoilers!  j/k

I like the suggestion though, and I did toy with it.  I guess I wanted the audience to draw its own conclusions; for instance, we don't know if their stories are real either, do we? (-:

Glad you liked it - thanks for the read,

AJR

Hey Anthony,

First off I just wanted to echo some of the other comments as I thought this was wonderfully written.  As screenrider said, it was a real page turner.  Felt like 10 pages instead of 20.

I also thought that you did a great job giving some BG on each of the characters we encountered (even Reilley with the great description of his beer belly).

My only thought/question would be regarding the second scene on P. 1 with Ty and Will.  I got the vibe that they were hitmen of some sort (Ty's reference to the "old man" and the "client").  I think this might be an opportunity to show him with a weapon.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but if that isn't the case and you choose not to show Will with a weapon as was suggested, perhaps you could cut this scene and still not miss a beat.

Anyway, great work and I really enjoyed the read.

Craig

Craiger,

Thanks for the kind words - glad you enjoyed it.

Intriguing thought about Will and Ty at the beginning.  The answer is no, I didn't intend that, but now I see where you can read that into it.

Lots of interesting suggestions for this so maybe I'll take a look at expanding it over the holidays.

AJr

Aj,

I took a look at this.  The writing was good but I felt something was missing here.  Especially at the end.  I was alittle disappointed that it ended the way it did.  I think you should have played this out.  

Maybe you were in too much of a hurry.  Maybe one day you might want to look at expanding this a little.

I would have cut down some of the smoking action for Jenny a little bit but that's just me.  

Will was an interesting character.

Did I find it a page turner, no but overall I did like it though despite the ending.

Keep up the good work

Ghostwriter

Your writing is great, dialogue felt real and I did like the story until the end.

I think it was fairly obvious Jenny was the killer early in the conversation but I did think you would throw a twist in there and have Will be the killer. When Will is splashing water on his face saying "It's only a girl", then later the cops said it's been only male victims, I was certain Will was the killer looking to murder his first female victim.

Maybe it was just me but I think you could cut a page or two, maybe more, from this. I did seem a tad long for a story where the killer could only be one of two people.

If you did write this in a hurry, it's a damn good effort. You kept me interested to the very end even if I'm not the biggest fan of the ending itself.

Brian

ghost / brian,

Thanks for the read - appreciate it as always.

Yeah, I'll probably re-visit this at some point.  I was inspired to write a short after reading some good ones here (see? It's your fault!) and I wanted to stretch myself and write in the genre furthest from my comfort zone...

Couldn't think of anything more difficult to do than a noirish crime/mystery...

Maybe I can think of a way to expand it to a feature or make it a series. Until then I will return to writing absurd characters and fart jokes...  

AJR

Anthony

Sorry for the delay in reading this.

A very cool, sick script you have here. Peppered with snappy, sultry conversationa and equally elequent composition in the narrative. It grew and expanded as it went on gradually ditching the wiscracks and smart replies to a more contemplative, melancholy piece which by the end, had taken on a totally different tone and persona, all in a good way.

Just for clarification, I'm presuming the opening scene with Will at the mirror is after his conversation with TY and before his date with Jenny. If not, sh?t, my comments are going come off horribly misguided

I like the abrupt switching of scenes between the Elio's and the cop shop. Short bursts of dialogue each revealing a little more each time for us to decipher where you were taking us with this. I don't know if you've already had comments  from some people about the technique and structure you used here. I know of one or two that wouldn't dig it all that much, leveling criticisms like "too jarring" or "disjointed" at it's pacing but I found it hiked up the intrigue and suspense about what we were going to find out about Will and/or Jenny.

I wonder would they open up to each other like that? Especially Will, given the type of person he is. There was some alcohol consumed sure but still what a break in character for him. Having said that they restaurant scene is a journey in itself as both people strive to understand and figure out one another. As a stand alone scene without the cop shop intercuts, its very well scripted, ebbs and flows in real time, regardless of the seemingly implausible "opening up" of both characters.

Now at the end, as I mention in the page by page notes, if you gave us the indication that Jenny was going to spare Will then these blurted out confessions of pivotal, life changing events of their respective chidhoods would carry extra weight and significance but my take on the conclusion is that she is going to go ahead with her grisly intentions, regardless of the "bond" they experienced at the table. Which, for me, cheapens the intimacies of their conversation to the point of meaninglessness, since it had no bearing on the inevitable outcome. Please correct me if I picked this up wrong.

I gather you intended it this way but it was foreshadowed rather early that Jenny was the elusive "perp" who Crowder and Lopez were discussing. You tell us explicity on page 18 with the line "Fits easily in a purse." but most readers will have figured this many pages before. Again I don't know what your intention was. Did you or didn't you want us to know?

Overall, I think this was a very strong effort, a lot of great things in here, some clever dialogue (as well as some that could be cleaned up as I've highlighted below) a fantastic femme fatale in Jenny, that bit?h was beyond cool, in a icy, lethal but above all sexy way. A mixed up, contradictory, sometimes frustrating individual in Will but I found him real and empathatic nonetheless. Also the development of Crowders and Lopez's realisation however premature it may have been was still engaging and humorous, culminating in a lifeguards chair on Rockaway Beach of all places.

I think if you want the twist to remain concealed until page 18 (if that was the idea) I'm afraid the structure, although I dug it, isn't going to be conducive to achieving this as the two cops are essentially filling in the blanks for us. Maybe think about revamping the structure or rewriting Crowder's and Lopez's dialogue so not as much is given away to us so soon.

However, the unfortunate reality is, if you have alternating scenes of a new years eve blind date juxtaposed with two cops who just happen to be talking about consecutive new years eve murders, its not going to take long for the reader/audience to join the dots. That is why I feel the ending is so vital and what closing lines and body language you give Jenny as she leaves the waiter to join Will.

Anyway, I lenjoyed this, like everything, it can be improved but you have a solid script on your hands. I'd be interested to see what where you take it from here.


Page by Page notes:

Below are just some comments/reactions/ suggestions etc when reading the script.


"A droplet of blood falls... slowly... and crashes into the porcelain basin." -- "Crashes" feels like too strong a verb here for what its describing. Unless you're envisaging one of those super slow-mo shots complete with accentuated sound effects...which I sincerely hope you aren't...Interesting opening images all the same though.

WILL STEWART, late 20s, tall and spindly with tufts of thin dark hair, bores his narrow eyes into his reflection. He scoops a handful of water to his face and brushes the trail of blood from his neck. -- Great prose, superb introduction to a character.

TY (CONT’D)
Yo man, I told you, you can’t be
messing with that shit. What if the
bitch is crazy? -- Funny, I'm just after reading Rendevous's "Who Says..." which has an identical theme, albeit dealt with in a far lighter tone than here.

TY
Man, this is bullshit. Why the old
man holding this meeting on New
Year’s Eve day?

-- Are you missing "is" between "Why" and "the" or is it TY's way of speaking?

I mean, I get TY is a homeboy an all that and thats the way they talk but his lines came off a bit too stereotypical at times, almost a caricature, but yeah I realise, that is how they talk, so...

"and wall to wall muscles" -- Another coincidence, I recently watched Woody Allen's "Sleeper" for the first time, this line is spoken. Did you get it from that?

"Bass Ale" -- Do they have this in the states? It can barely be got in Ireland anymore.


WAITER
Very good.

Jenny returns her cigarette to the table. -- We can assume that the waiter has vacated the scene to fetch the drinks but its still no harm in confirming it for us. A terse "The waiter leaves" would do.

"Will jumps a bit in his seat, his eyes big as saucers." -- A bit overt, no? I know, Will is coming off a bit jittery but this reaction felt a little too much. Maybe a flicker of the eyes or something more subtle that we can still pick up on it, and given Jenny's personality, she will too.

"Jenny takes a long, satisfying drag, then smashes out the
cigarette in the butter dish." -- Like in the beginning "smashes" feels too extreme here, violent even, for what its conveying.

"Smoke pours out along with her answer." -- Cool visual.


INT. ELIO’S RESTAURANT - NIGHT

WILL
I can’t believe I’m even
considering telling you this.

-- Even though its obvious where we are and who is in the scene, its good practice to include a line of action just to clarify it for the reader. Anything to establish the two characters and what they are doing before they speak. I know its difficult not to become repetituous when going back and forth from scene to scenw to like this, I had a similar problem with a script of mine but I line of action should be inserted at the beginning of new scenes.

JENNY
How old were you, Will? -- Sorry for being a nit-picker but I would drop "Will" here, not necessary in my opinion.

WILL
She... did things to me.

JENNY
What kind of things, Will?

WILL
You know... things.

JENNY
You were raped, Will.

-- Jenny is saying "Will" way too much here, it doesn't read well. Then again, maybe you want to highlight Jenny's intense personality by having her address him so directly like that.

JENNY (CONT’D)
Course some eleven-year-olds would
consider that a helluva Friday
night. -- Too right, thats what I was thinkin'

WILL
What happened to you, Jenny? --Again I would drop the name.

That scene on page 17 is a lot of things; surprising, ill fitting, crazy, hilarious thus brilliant all at the same time. Two of them going at it, only for the man (of all species) to stop up and talk about the case. I mean, fair play to Crowder, what a stud, tappin' that Lopez considering she's a "a knockout" as you put it but, man, you gotta leave your work in the office, you're fu?king this beautiful women on a beach, on New years night, concentrate on that.

CROWDER
Aren’t you interested in fighting
crime, detective? -- Er no, I'd rather sit on your face, replies Lopez. And that should be fine with Crowder if had any sexual drive at all, jesus man! "Crime can look after itself" would be my train of thought at that particular moment in time.

"Jenny looks toward the door. She can see Will’s headlights flash across the street as he reaches for the door handle" -- Maybe I'm missing something here but how can the lights flash if Will is only getting into the car?

WAITER
Come and look me up, then -- No need for the comma before "then"

JENNY
I don’t think we’ll be together
much longer. -- A love this line, a telling one in regards the whole story but I was kinda' hoping she was gonna let Will off since they had made some connection at dinner or at least it looked that way. Of course she could have manipulated the whole thing. I thought you would give the impression that the cheeky, forward waiter, being the opposite of Will, was gonna take his place as Jenny's next victim.  Although "I think I just may do that" sorta' seals the waiters fate too, she's a some piece of work for sure.

colkurtz,

You liked it then?  

Damn, I should have let you write it. Can't argue with anything you've said - you really dug deep into the meaning of everything, probably more so than I did!  I imagine that's what shows through in your work and why I enjoyed reading "Club Card"...

Yes, you imagined correctly about Will - after the scene with Ty and before his date with Jenny. As for Ty, I have a habit (maybe in this case a bad one) of "hearing" conversations in my head, and then typing exactly what I hear. Most times it comes out real - in this case though it came out a little stereotypical.

As for Jenny, and the cops' exposition, and the audience figuring it out - my intention was to have the audience expect a twist and then not get one. I tried to set up Will as a burgeoning "American Psycho" type character, and I figured Jenny was an over-the-top femme fatale, so maybe the audience would vacillate in their thinking.

I really was more concerned with whether the audience believed the stories they divulged (only I know the truth!). As for them opening up, remember, they had multiple conversations on line, to which we're not privy, and I imagine most of them to be about how lonely they each are.

Thanks again for the read and for the fantastic insights.  I think I may have an idea about how to expand this into a feature.  It's on one of the back burners, though...

AJR

Oh, and two other things - apparently I'm such a Woody Allen fan that I cop his lines without thinking. Good catch there - Erno is definitely described as having wall to wall muscles...

And with the headlights - When you de-activate a silent alarm, most cars' headlights flash...