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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Departure Lounge Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Departure Lounge  (currently 2196 views)
Don
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Departure Lounge by Craig Cooper-Flintstone - Short, Drama - A chance meeting in the Departure Lounge gives two old-timers the opportunity to catch up on events of the past years. 6 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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ajr
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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Craig,

I respect the effort, however I did see the ending coming.  I would have preferred a bit more meat in the dialogue between Keith and Barry, because without it all we have is the twist.

Also I would tighten up who says what to whom at the end because I'm not sure it's clear from the dialogue "who goes where"?

Pretty good idea - I think it could have been executed a little better?

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/

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ajr  -  December 11th, 2009, 7:44am
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hypernaut
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 7:18am Report to Moderator
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Hi Craig

I didn't see the end coming because i was too bored with the conversation between the two geezers. You have an excellent twist though.

****SPOILERxxxx

I love the idea of some mysterious gateway to the afterlife. What i think this story lacks is some mystery woven in the middle. Two old timers, boring. mix it up a little with various characters from different stages of their lives with different perspectives of where they are going.

Great story but i think 6 pages isn't enough to tell it.



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hypernaut  -  December 11th, 2009, 4:54pm
didn't add spoiler, requested by poster
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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Hi AJR

I'm sorry you saw the end coming, I'd tried to put lots of hints, but not make it too obvious.

The dialogue was between 'Keith' and 'Barry' BTW

Thanks for your feedback,

Greatly appreciated.

Craig


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ajr
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 7:45am Report to Moderator
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You're Craig, aren't you?  

Sorry, typing quickly and late at night - not a good thing.  It's disrespectful of me to get that wrong...

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 7:45am Report to Moderator
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Hi Hypernaut,



That's really not a good sign if you managed to be bored within 5 pages. Not good at all.

I'm glad you didn't see the end coming though , and that you thought it was an excellent twist.



Thanks for the read and the feedback.

Craig



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craig cooper-flintstone  -  December 12th, 2009, 8:10am
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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AJR,

No worries, no need to apologise!

Look forward to seeing more of your stuff on here.

Craig


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JonnyBoy
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS



Oh crap...the 7WC I'll be posting in about a week has EXACTLY the same idea as this - Limbo as a departure lounge. Granted, the tone is a little different, but the sense of it is exactly the same.

Not accusing you of plagiarism, you understand - just really, really gutted at the coincidence. The script itself was absolutely enjoyable. Maybe I'll be back to offer more constructive advice once I've cheered up!


Guess who's back? Back again?
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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JonnyBoy,

I can understand you feeling gutted- I would be too. What a bastard!

A complete coincidence I assure you, I promise to give yours a read when it's posted buddy.

Craig


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ajr
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Craig,

I think I know what hypernaut is getting at, and I felt it too - the dialogue wasn't "juiced up" enough.  It was the same dialogue that you hear in a Dr.'s waiting room.

What I think would be a nice touch is if you had them talk about anything but their ailments, and then SHOW us that there in the shape they're in by the description - i.e., he turns to reveal a huge dark spot, or a scar, etc.

I agree it's too short as well - do they have wives? Children?  Draw us in, this way we empathize with the loved ones who will miss them.

Also the title gave me a hint as to where the story was going, as did your description of a "windowless" lounge.  I would move the setting to an airport waiting area and I think you can get the same effect.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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AJR,

That was the feel I was going for- awkward 'waiting room' forced dialogue.

Regarding the ailments, Keith removes his hat to show Barry the effects of his cancer treatment, and they speak about it growing back etc.

The reason I chose to describe it as a windowless lounge was because the one and only time I upgraded to use the 'premium' lounge at an airport, I was surprised that the room was indeed windowless. I just took it for granted that this was the norm.

Cheers again for the feedback, nice one.

Craig


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alffy
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Craig, this the short I read a few weeks ago right?

I thought this was excellent mate.  I never saw the ending coming actually.  I figured there was going to be a punchline but your ending was much stronger.  I also liked the characters sudden change in conversation, I think you did this deliberately?  Keith talks about having a hobby then suddenly how comfy the chair is lol, I love this, it's very natural.  To be honest I thought maybe you were introducing two new characters that perhaps had a few more outings but after your ending I gather not.  Anyway, this was a great super short.  Well done.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Brian M
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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I'll admit I knew where this was going when I looked at the title. Not that it's a giveaway, it's just that I've read a short very, very similar before, and it might have been from this site. Right away, on the first page, with both characters being in their 70's, it confirmed my suspicions right there.  

If I hadn't read that script months ago, I would have enjoyed this a lot. I know I enjoyed the one with the similar idea. I can't really comment on anything else apart from your writing, which is looking great and dialogue realistic.

I wish I could be more helpful here.  Now I'm gonna bang my head against a wall until I remember the title of the similar script or it will bug me all weekend.

Brian


CURRENTLY POSTED

The Forgotten Christmas Tape - Short, Dark Thriller (9 pages)
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Craiger6
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Craig,

It's a real pleasure IMO to read your stories.  I don't think you missed a beat in your transition from comedy to something a little heavier.

I had no problem with the dialouge and thought it flowed very nicely. I would only suggest a little more BG about families and such this way the ending pops that much more.

Anyway, great job.

Craig


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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy
Craig, this the short I read a few weeks ago right?


Evenin' Alffy. Yes it is- with a few changes to the one you read, I think


Quoted from alffy
I thought this was excellent mate.  I never saw the ending coming actually.  I figured there was going to be a punchline but your ending was much stronger.


Glad you thought that, buddy. Good on ya. It's a bonus you didn't twig the ending.


Quoted from alffy
I also liked the characters sudden change in conversation, I think you did this deliberately?  Keith talks about having a hobby then suddenly how comfy the chair is lol, I love this, it's very natural.


Yeah, I tried to make the dialogue feel a little strained and awkward.


Cheers for the comments, your opinion is always appreciated.

Craig



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