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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Hunted Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 12:47am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hunted by Tom Pascal (tommyp) - Short - Two men kill a woman. 6 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  December 11th, 2009, 10:51am
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Tommyp
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 12:50am Report to Moderator
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Continuity Is For Pussies...

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That was an insanely quick upload.

Thanks Don.

I wasn't sure about the logline... I didn't want to give too much away - or mislead people too much.

Feedback would be very appreciated.

This has had the RV, Jeff and Stevie read through already, so all the good bits can be be attributed to them!


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Zack
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tommy, interesting script.

SPOILERS

The story-telling reminds me of Memento. I'm not gonna lie, I have no idea what was happening. This was incredibly hard to follow. What I got was that these two guys were tracking down and killing a killer? Is that right? Maybe this just went over my head and I'm completely missing the bigger picture. I like the idea of telling a story backwards, but for this type of story-telling to work you need some kind of a twist. Good format and interesting story-telling, but that doesn't matter if you don't have an interesting story.

~Zack~
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Tommyp
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 1:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack.

Thanks for the read, and glad you liked it.

Yeah, that's right. They were killing a killer.

The twist is that she is the "bad guy". From the very start you think (well, I hope you think) that the two men are bad, but then right at the end it is revealed that Amanda is a killer, and for the men, killing her was justified.

If that doesn't help you to understand it, I'm missing a few scenes explaining the story.

Was it hard to follow because it was backwards? Or wasn't there just enough story there?

Yeah, Memento was a great film


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Zack
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 1:36am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS!

Okay, now it's clear. That's pretty cool except... the logline ruins it. The logline shouldn't even mention the possibility of the girl being a killer. I read the logline and assumed that she WAS a killer and was waiting for a twist. Instead... she was the killer. Very unexciting.

~Zack~

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Tommyp
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 1:38am Report to Moderator
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Ah yes. My bad. I just realised then that I ruined the twist in the logline! Ouch.

I will get it changed right away.

Thanks again Zack.


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nitronaut
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 7:01am Report to Moderator
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hi tommy,
my main question after reading is why tell it backwards? And if there is a reason why isn't it  in the scene heading. and we really need to know more of why steve and charlie have the task of hunting amanda.
apart from that i like the idea of..."amanda is killing again. It’s eight this
year." there is definetely something there.

bill
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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Hi Tommy,

A great short story here. I didn't find it confusing, and I liked the nod to 'memento-style' storytelling.

I have just one piece of advice- Please change the logline. I found it ruined my enjoyment because the twist 'wasn't'!

Craig

PS There was no title page either.


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Tommyp
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Bill.... Thanks for the read. The reason to tell it backwards is for the twist. Which you would get if there wasn't the logline as it is now.

"If there is a reason why isn't it in the scene heading." I don't know what this means...

Okay, that's what I'm trying to get at. WHY Steve and Charlie are hunting her... why not someone else. Glad you don't find it clear... in the rewrite I might add another scene on that. Basically they go for it because Amanda will kill one of their daughters... and they have to stop her.

Thanks again man.

Graig What's up man?

Really glad you liked it - and didn't find it confusing.

A PM was sent to Don about the logline and it will be changed soon. I really don't know why I revealed the twist in the logline... I am a bit silly.

I'm using Final Draft 8, and when I make it into PDF, it doesn't add a title page... dunno why. Good point, I will have a fiddle and try and fix that. Thanks.


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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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No worries,

As I said, a great story- very enjoyable short with a structure a little different to the norm.

I just wished I hadn't read that damn logline first! I think the Mods (as in moderators, not quadrophenia types) can edit the logline if they're online...

Great stuff buddy.

Craig


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rendevous
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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TP

Might be past your bedtime now.
Sorry, I have no idea why I mentioned that. My feminine side must be kicking in.

Yep, that logline tells too much. Thankfully most don't pay enough attention to them. I'd fix it, email Don or a mod, as it kinda spoils and takes too much away.

I remember this one well. Thought it was a good example of how to do a differing time frames type script and, could cost just pennies to make.

I'd say without the time tricks it'd be just another slasher / chase script. Nothing wrong with that in itself but, it's been done so many times a writer has to bring something new to the table.


Quoted from Hunted
tall and thin backs into the shed.


I'm usually the fella who strongly advises in dumping most of the commas in a script but you're actually missing one there. Either that or a reword would help.

Is this different from the one I read earlier or the same with a few minor changes?
How's the filming plan progressing?

If you want me to go through a few things that could tighten it up a bit then PM me and I'll PM em back. As you're planning on getting it shot, it's a bit academic but, you might wanna just to see how things can be improved, in my humble, of course.

It's the right length for a short and enough happens to make it worthwhile. And, to extend it wouldn't help. So well done on those scores, not as easy as it seems by any stretch.

Good work Teepee.

Keep it up, and best of luck with it.

RV




Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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grademan
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tommy.

Good story. Nicely told. I did enjoy wardsback way of telling it.

Couple of comments:

Should the story be called the Hunter? Amanda is the hunted, yet the story isn't about her. We don't learn much about her. Never mind, I got it: the hunter is now the hunted.

Should Charlie have ink on his hand at the opening scene? He did write on it earlier in the time line. That's one of those clues Memento did so well with.

A good friend told him? Short, but too easy an explanation. Who would rat Amanda out like that? Why weren't there any cops? If school girls were being murdered (eight this year), the feds would be all over this one.

I wonder if putting times in the slug line (DAY - EARLIER) would have helped me figure out the time line quicker? No, that's probably the hook in all this. I have no idea how Chris Nolan did it in Memento.

I am overanalyzing again.

Good work Tommy.  
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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Tommy

Great start to this, really sucked me in. I love how Charlie tells Steve to "Wait!" before asking can he do the honours himself…then balking it. Funny how the younger man is the more ruthless, nice twist with that as its usually the older, more experienced individual who takes charge of things in such situations (as portrayed in the movies of course, not that I have any first hand experience or anything)

Where the fu?k are all the neighbours when Steve is chasing Amanda? I like how you wrote it, separating the lines gave it a directness and clarity but they came out of one house, ran around it, out onto the footpath, down the road and into (presumably) someone else’s house without any intervention from neighbours, passers by, etc. Reminds of "No Country For Old Men" when Anton chases Moss around the block, gunshots an all without any interference whatsoever from anybody. I always found that scene, as entertaining as it was, very hard to buy, like what you have here.

As already stated, the logline reveals way too much. Given the Irreversible-esque structure to the script, you’re telling us in advance what we are only supposed to find out at the end.

I see what you were trying to do by making Amanda appear as the victim before its revealed that she is in fact the killer and the no nonsense tough guy Steve along with his rather inept sidekick Charlie are the good guys, in a way, (no one want to champion vigilantes’ either) But again the logline gives all this away, and as Zack pointed out, you need more of a twist for this type of structure to be fully realised.

Maybe I missed something but who are these to guys, police, detectives or just ordinary people out for justice? Who is Charlie’s mysterious source, how do they know so much about Amanda’s grizzly activities without being able to tell the cops and letting them handle it?

I think you have an interesting idea here which I feel needs a bit of a rethink to fully develop it and have it reach its potential. As it stands, I have too many questions as to why and how and that’s not because I couldn’t understand its structure or mode of storytelling it’s because not enough is given to us on the page. We need to understand or at least be given some indication of the motivations of these characters and why the situation has come to this.

As I said, good idea but in my opinion, needs some work.




Some page by page notes.

"Steve stands above Amanda. He shakes his head at her. He
points the gun at her face, and pulls the trigger."

"He presses a button on the radio, and country music comes
on."

-- I noticed a number of times you have a comma followed by an "and" not really necessary. I'd recommend using one or the other. In most cases, a comma will suffice.

CHARLIE
No. No I don’t.

The car continues down the road.

-- Should there be a change of scene here, it seems we have gone from inside the car with the two talking to an exterior shot of the car travelling along the road.

"Steve nods, as he opens his door."

-- Again the comma feels redundant here

CHARLIE (CONT’D)
We have reached our destination
pretty lady.

-- Comma before "pretty lady"

"Charlie runs out the door - sweat runs down his face as he
catches his breath. He slows to a stop as he stands in the
yard."

-- Just a personal preference with me but I try not to (but sometimes do) repeat the same phrasing so close together like here you have "as he" twice in succession. A small thing, I know.

Col.


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Brian M
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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I've read the previous comments after I finished the script. I see your logline has been changed so you did catch me off-guard with the twist that Amanda is not really a victim. Although I was surprised, I couldn't buy it, it seemed very far fetched with little explanation given as to why Amanda is a killer.

Why didn't they get the police involved? How does Charlie know his daughter's next? (A good friend doesn't work for me) Why would Steve become involved to kill someone after one very brief phone call? There's too many questions here which need to be answered in some way.  

I do think it's a good story, it just feels like there's a few scenes missing to give the complete picture and make the twist come off as memorable and not a "WHAT?" moment.

Good Job.

Brian
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Craiger6
Posted: December 11th, 2009, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Tommy,

While intrigued, I was also a bit confused while reading, but the ending brought it around for me.  As some others have said, I would add a few scenes showing Amanda interacting with some of the other clasmates before she starts knocking them off.  What was her motivation?

That said, I thought you did a really good job considering the amount of space.  I think this is one of those rare ocassions where adding pages as opposed to cutting would do wonders.  

Thanks,
Craig


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