Hollowood Episode 1 - Welcome to Hollowood by Steven W. Thomson (incrediblesteve) - Series - Comic drama following the tale of a man who accidentally finds himself cast in a TV show, and his struggle to balance his regular life with that of an A-lister. 69 pages - pdf, format

Hollowood Episode 2 - Stars in Their Eyes by Steven W. Thomson (incrediblesteve) - Series, Drama, Comedy - Morgan finds himself an unwitting trendsetter as he continues to adjust to life on the A-list. Meanwhile, Phil and Kara explore a relationship, and Cecilia tries to push her way back to the top of the A-list. 63 pages - pdf, format

Hey Steven here are my random notes I took while reading. If anything doesn't make sense, send me a message or something

needs . after mr (various spots)
description of Marty Raven right of the bat would be helpful to remember the guy
describe Lacey and Morgan more at the beginning
page 10. more wooden than a tree....lol
page 10 cap actor
14, during Morgan’s transformation, would be a little better if Ted physically changed Morgan’s appearance instead of him saying what he wants and having morgan do it

p 15. Jan - “special skills, or talents” no , needed
21 Marty has the chance to really make a funny slam on actors and i think with the right wording it would be funny.
starting on page 36 when you intercut, (into phone) isn’t needed since we know they are talking on the phone and we know that the scene is intercutting with another one

Overall, I enjoyed it. There’s something else I wanted to say but I can’t think of it at the moment. Everybody seems to have an ulterior motive and it could make an interesting series. I like the title.

Oh! Now I remember. It seems like Morgan would recognize Davis Morgan if Davis is as famous as you say he is

Thats all I have to say. Good job!

Bangston

Hi Bangston, thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed it.

-As a first draft there will be some little typing errors, thanks for pointing some out.
-Not really sure how I'd describe Marty, when I picture him all I see is Neil Patrick Harris, but I doubt I can say that! Morgan could use some more description at the start although I think he's covered well as it goes on. Lacey, I tried to leave ambiguous but I might go back and change that.
-I figured during the transformation that too much of Ted doing it all would be overkill, it would help the flow if Morgan did a couple of things at his direction would work, but with a couple of people pointing it out now I'm not entirely sure I made the right call.
-Good shout on a slam an actors, I'm thinking something like "that says a lot about the state of the craft".
-Morgan isn't supposed to be 'on the ball' with Hollywood, but he probably should recognise Davis.

Thanks again, and I hope you'll be there to read when the rest of it gets written.

I sent my second episode in yesterday so hopefully it'll be available for you guys in the next few days. Thanks to anyone who's read it, and any more feedback will be greatly appreciated.

Just finished.

Overall, pretty entertaining, but it seemed to be a little documentary. The studio execs, Marty, the co-stars... they all seem to be pretty interesting characters, maybe we could get to know them a little bit behind the scenes? It's hard to really engage someone in a one dimensional, linear storyline.

On the other hand, you did a pretty good job of developing your characters as the story unfolded in front of your MC, letting us see only what he sees, but I think in the long run it may need to branch out, have a few secondary story arcs interweave.

Also, a few situations were not entirely factual, or feasible, and there is a small number or continuity errors.

It wasn't made entirely clear if Davis was a big star, or just an egomaniac, but if he truly is a big icon, he wouldn't need to read for the execs. Big name actors receive offers, not auditions. Very minor, but worth noting.

It is stated that rage has "overpriced drinks", yet when Morgan is charged for 2 beers, the total is $8. Anyone who has been in a Vegas or L.A. nightclub can confirm that $4 a beer is practically free.

Not sure if you have plans to continue this storyline, but bail does not wipe the slate clean on a criminal offense. There is a number of charges that could be laid, including, but not limited to, Assault and Possession. Bail is merely a deposit on the suspect. The charges would have to be dropped, or have a storyline involving the court case.

Script is a bit far fetched, but it has some laugh out loud moments and seems like a fun project, so all the power to you. My first review on this site, hope I wasn't too harsh!