The Deal (Nicholas Boss version) :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hey Nicholas, just read your script and here are my thoughts.

First, I'm not sure why you have (Nicholas Boss version) in your title. Is this a rewrite of someone else's work? There really is no need for it.

In your logline, I would remove 'hilarity ensues'. Whether something is hilarious or not is very subjective, let the reader decide how funny they think it is. Better off just sticking to a description of the story.

Ok now on to the actual script. For your first scene header, I think you would be better off just having EXT. APARTMENT - DAY. You only have the one location and specifying it as a drug dealer's apartment is unnecessary and not something that can be seen on screen.

You are better off leaving phrases like 'begin to' out of your script. As in 'they begin to walk along the sidewalk'. They walk along the sidewalk is sufficient.

On page 1, Toby says, 'No, you'll like you have balls...' Missing the word 'like'.

'They reach the apartment complex and begin to walk up the stairs'. Again, get rid of 'begin to'.

When Drew is talking about Fritz for the first time, he says the word 'like' four times in five lines. A bit excessive, find some other words to use.

Should be 'noise can BE heard from inside the apartment'. Then when the voice speaks you should have VOICE (o.s.) because they are not seen on camera.

The Markie character is interesting, you say he has a napoleon complex but how do we see that? Is him puffing his chest out and flexing his muscles going to be seen? He is ten so there is not much muscle to flex. If he has a shirt off we might see this but nothing is written as to what he is wearing. So I assume he wears a T-shirt maybe? A ten year old kid wearing a T-shirt and flexing his muscles looks the same as one who isn't flexing his muscles.

You describe Fritz as a typical 17 year old stoner. What does a typical 17 year old stoner look like? And his slutty girlfriend? How do we know she is slutty? All we would see is a girl sitting on the couch. If you want to create the visual of her as slutty you need to describe her better and create a character.

'Fritz gets off the couch and him and Toby give each other a secret handshake and hug combo.' This sounds awkward and could be phrased better.

FRITZ
Good to see you brathah.

TOBY
My nigga.

DREW
What’s going on Fritz?

'Drew tries to give the same handshake but Fritz just looks at him. They all sit down.'

The above bit is good. Shows character and is cleanly written.

FRITZ
Ahh, that’s debatable. I’ve read articles on respectable websites that says it does exist. It’s just elusive. It’s kind of like the whole G-13 debate. What came first, the chick or the egg?

I don't really understand the above dialogue. What is the G-13 debate? How does this relate to the chicken and egg debate?

Don't use numbers or symbols in dialogue. You have Fritz saying it cost $120 instead of one hundred and twenty dollars. You have a few other instances of this.

Would Drew really be stoned off his ass within seconds?

Some of the dialogue seems incredibly inconsistent. Markie mainly. Straight up we have him talking like a wannabe gangster, now later in the script we have this 'I had noticed earlier that you showed interest in that alligator mask.' Doesn't sound like something a ten year old pothead would say. More like 'I saw you checking out that alligator mask'.

When we see Fritz and the girl having sex, how is it obvious he is doing bad and how is it obvious she isn't enjoying it? You're job as a screenwriter is to show us through action and dialogue what is happening, not tell us.

If Toby didn't want Markie to see them having sex then why did he agree to the prank in the first place? He knew they were in there having sex, what did he expect to happen?

Why the hell is Markie crying? He saw them have sex, so what? He is a kid who does drugs, swears, watches R-rated movies and who knows what else. He is portrayed as a tough guy. Is he supposed to have never seen sex before? Why would he cry? It makes no sense at all.

There is no ending here, and ultimately, no story. I got to the end and thought 'what was the point of that story?' Your characters are too inconsitent and you have setups that aren't paid off. What about Drew's girlfriend? That was the opening scene of the story and ultimately was pointless as it didn't go anywhere. Why even mention it if you weren't going to get back to it later and have something happen? I just don't get it.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, it was not as bad as perhaps I am making it out to be. But it needs a lot of work and some kind of point to the story or some resolution so that it feels complete. Normally you read a story and feel that the writer has something they want to say, but I honestly don't know what you were trying to say here. There is no theme at all.

Best of luck with it though, I hope my comments are helpful.

Cheers,
Tim.