The Magic of Letters - A Christmas Story (7WC) by Sandra E. Watson - Comedy - A funny grief counselor writes her own true story to help a grieving child; but she's not who she thinks or where she thinks. Her story is out of control and so is her fate as she goes completely virtual. 137 pages - pdf, format

Sandra:

Congrats on your first feature length! Feels good doesn’t it?!

You’re familiar with my critiques and writing since we’ve been partners in Thief so my comments shouldn’t shock you. I read this through the first 50 pages and became restless knowing I had 87 pages to go and skimmed through the last 15 pages and have one conclusion: Better writing (I could follow it) but still not quite on a coherent train of thought.

I liked the Alice in Wonderland feel of this but there is just too much going on with the characters like Psuedo, The Man, The Narrator, and The Woman plus your large cast of regular characters. I was intrigued by your premise and The Magic of Letters but at 137 pages this comes in too unfocused. I know you had organization, computer file issues and time constraints so that’s not surprising.

I view this as the first draft where you spew everything and anything on paper. No judgment.

Next step: Cut away to get to the core of your story here. And it is a magical story. Just needs some hocus - focus.

BTW, Bella was my fav character.

Gary

Hello Sandra...

I'm dashing my way through the (7WC) list and guess what?  Today, tag, "The Magic of Letters - A Christmas Story," is it.  

Having said this...

Congrats on finishing.  It's nice to see something .. BOLD ... FRESH ... and NEW from you.  Needless to say you didn't disappoint.  You stay true to form as well.  You've created a writing style all of your own.  You didn't bold anything this time around though.

That's the thing about virtual ... much like fantasy.  The possibilities are endless on what you can do with them.  I thought the logline was very be-fitting for your 137 page masterpiece.  It only took me three hours to get through this.

Characters - I thought you described them very well.  Some might think you overdescribed but to be honest I really don't think you did.  Especially, "Pseudos," that little devil.  Mrs. Feliz," stout as a tea pot."  I liked this.  Very enjoyables characters.  Memorable.

You had very good visuals and I could picture the whole thing.  This would get captured well on the big screen. You also had alot of things going on in here as well.  Lots.  With Bella, Mz.  McAdams and of course your main character, Moira.  If one's not paying attention, they could get very much lost in "The Magic Letters."

Early on, you move alot back and forth between the present and flashbacks.  But I was never lost.  I always knew where I was.  I thought you handled it very well.

Maybe I missed something but I would have liked to see actual direct interaction between Moira and Bella.  In a sense, I guess there was.

I liked how you managed to weave a sprinkle of Christmas classics in this one.  To name a few,...
your montage of page #62, heavenly sleep in peace at the end was a very nice touch.  Again page#92, when Rumley awakens from his dream, looks out his window, sees the kid, like old scrooge and the reference to, "It's a wonderful life," which happens to be my two favorite Christmas movies of all time.

Writer "Wreckadeliosis," was very interesting.  Never heard of that one before.
page#99, Bella's letter you inserted.  One of the few times I laughed out loud.  So loud my wife wanted to see what all the commotion was about.  So, I had her read it as well.

Somethings I would question.  I understand why you did it completely but for the record, and you already know this ... no real need to underline.  Mz. McAdams who mention the fact she's 60's several times.  I stopped counting after the third one.  Am I missing something?  

This did drag a little in the middle but I didn't mind.  Call me bias, but you can easily cut this down to 120 pages and still keep your original intent.  But this is just Ghost.

Overall, this was written well for the most part.  It seems like this is the first version though.  You can tweek somethings here and there and I know you know that.  So that's all I say.  
I think you captured what you wanted.  This was a nice little Christmas story, heart-warming and I can tell you put alot of Christmas Spirit into this.

Merry Christmas to you and your family...

Ghostwriter

Quoted from grademan Better writing (I could follow it) but still not quite on a coherent train of thought. I liked the Alice in Wonderland feel of this but there is just too much going on with the characters like Psuedo, The Man, The Narrator, and The Woman plus your large cast of regular characters. I was intrigued by your premise and The Magic of Letters but at 137 pages this comes in too unfocused. I know you had organization, computer file issues and time constraints so that’s not surprising. I view this as the first draft where you spew everything and anything on paper. No judgment. Next step: Cut away to get to the core of your story here. And it is a magical story. Just needs some hocus - focus. BTW, Bella was my fav character.

Thank you so much Gary. I appreciate your review and I started on yours today, but I had too much cooking and "what-not" to attend to. And you already know, that "what nots" are never a good thing when you've only got so much time.

I'm glad you have enjoyed Bella. I had a dream once and I thought, yes, that must have been her.

I definitely want to clean this up and see what I can do with it maybe in the summertime when I'm at my brother's cabin. Then I could really experience Moira Vanish again in the place where I took her. It's real and so is Wolvy. Wolvy was a gift that happened to be caught and stuffed for Dad. I can't remember the story behind it, but there was a great sentiment behind Wolvy.

**

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Hello Sandra... I'm dashing my way through the (7WC) list and guess what?  Today, tag, "The Magic of Letters - A Christmas Story," is it.   Having said this... Congrats on finishing.  It's nice to see something .. BOLD ... FRESH ... and NEW from you.  Needless to say you didn't disappoint.  You stay true to form as well.  You've created a writing style all of your own.  You didn't bold anything this time around though. That's the thing about virtual ... much like fantasy.  The possibilities are endless on what you can do with them.  I thought the logline was very be-fitting for your 137 page masterpiece.  It only took me three hours to get through this. Characters - I thought you described them very well.  Some might think you overdescribed but to be honest I really don't think you did.  Especially, "Pseudos," that little devil.  Mrs. Feliz," stout as a tea pot."  I liked this.  Very enjoyables characters.  Memorable. You had very good visuals and I could picture the whole thing.  This would get captured well on the big screen. You also had alot of things going on in here as well.  Lots.  With Bella, Mz.  McAdams and of course your main character, Moira.  If one's not paying attention, they could get very much lost in "The Magic Letters." Early on, you move alot back and forth between the present and flashbacks.  But I was never lost.  I always knew where I was.  I thought you handled it very well. Maybe I missed something but I would have liked to see actual direct interaction between Moira and Bella.  In a sense, I guess there was. I liked how you managed to weave a sprinkle of Christmas classics in this one.  To name a few,... your montage of page #62, heavenly sleep in peace at the end was a very nice touch.  Again page#92, when Rumley awakens from his dream, looks out his window, sees the kid, like old scrooge and the reference to, "It's a wonderful life," which happens to be my two favorite Christmas movies of all time. Writer "Wreckadeliosis," was very interesting.  Never heard of that one before. page#99, Bella's letter you inserted.  One of the few times I laughed out loud.  So loud my wife wanted to see what all the commotion was about.  So, I had her read it as well. Somethings I would question.  I understand why you did it completely but for the record, and you already know this ... no real need to underline.  Mz. McAdams who mention the fact she's 60's several times.  I stopped counting after the third one.  Am I missing something?

**
My dear Ghostwriter22,

I love writing that:

My dear Ghostwriter 22,

So I wrote it again.  

I am very happy if you were able to enjoy this in its "written word form". I would love to see it as acted on screen. That would really be some Christmas Magic of Letters.

Writerwreckadelioses was me writing, "What I know".  

I am not a master screenwriter. I don't know movies like most people do, but I do love life and I love the differences I see in people and I love to write and work with people like you here on Simply. As such, when I have the opportunity to work in this environment, I consider myself extremely lucky and I feel blessed- Writerwreckadelioses or no Writerwreckadelioses, or, to put it more simply, Logan or no Logan, but you have to read the "Thief" threads to get that one.  

The Bella character is a kind of tribute to my brother who killed himself. I love him and miss him. He didn't die at Christmas time, but I always think of him and he had such a great sense of humor. And at Christmas, I just think of him and feel his spirit as with me and I know that nothing is really demolished, though it seems that way and I think of how perfect things really are- not in our current perception, but that's the way it is in truth. Completely perfect, after all the junk. Kind of like writing and Rewriting Hell.  

With time and effort, I hope to improve on organizational issues and especially clean up the copy because I know it takes a lot of run-throughs and time to catch it all, but thank God I was able to complete something. Really, it was a 5 week challenge for me because I worked with the cards a lot first. In the end, even they failed me because Bob Dylan showed up and said, "Things Have Changed". Indeed, they did.

Thank you so much for the time. I will be reading our precious and first of the 7WC's, but I have guests for Christmas and cooking and like I said, "What not".

Luvya,

Sandra

My Dear Bob Dylan,

You were The Stranger that wound up CHANGING EVERYTHING!!!  



Sandra

Yes, thoroughly enjoyed it.  When I was reading... you do talk about spending time at a cabin and then Moira.  Maybe you even based her off yourself.  A little.  Well that's what I was picturing.

Again good job for only five weeks.

And yes, Bob Dylan was.

Ghost

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Yes, thoroughly enjoyed it.  When I was reading... you do talk about spending time at a cabin and then Moira.  Maybe you even based her off yourself.  A little.  Well that's what I was picturing. Again good job for only five weeks. And yes, Bob Dylan was. Ghost

Yes, I did base Moira on myself.   That's why I had to give her credit first.

Thank you again. We'll keep up the good work and see what we can manage in the future. I think we can manage a lot more if we work together here. That's something we need to work on and it's hard. Not meant to be easy-- 'cause easy is... well, too easy. And that would be no fun.

Talk soon and catch you on the flip-flop,

Sandra

Hi Sandra. hope you had a nice Christmas.
I'm slowly workig my way through your script - currently up to page 50. I am determined to finish even though it is totally way over my head!
The writing is lavish, with some great subtle references to all sorts of things.

Cheers...from a mindfucked stevie!

(and I mean that in the nicest possible way)

Quoted from stevie Hi Sandra. hope you had a nice Christmas. I'm slowly workig my way through your script - currently up to page 50. I am determined to finish even though it is totally way over my head! The writing is lavish, with some great subtle references to all sorts of things. Cheers...from a mindfucked stevie! (and I mean that in the nicest possible way)

A mindfuck is the best possible fuck you can experience.

(and I mean that in the nicest possible way)

Thank you Stevie; I appreciate it.

Sandra

Sandra, I had every intention of reading this entire script, but I’m not going to make it, I’m afraid.  Way too far out there for me.  I got through the intro and really didn’t have much of a clue what was going on, and then “Virtual Vancouver” becomes “Simply Vancouver” and a virtual narrator pops up.

That’s all I can take.  Sorry.  I did start taking notes, so here they are, for what it’s worth.

Happy Holidays!

Page 1 – So much passive verbiage early on that could so easily be made into the active tense.

Page 2 – Since you used a SUPER on Page 1, you’ll have to use another one here to change the time.  Putting it in your Slug doesn’t work in a filmed version.

More passive verbiage.

“THE MAGIC OF LETTERS” – Is this a Slug or what?

“Now Moira speaks directly to you, the Someone, who enquires.” – No clue what this is supposed to mean or what is happening.

4th Wall has been broken, obviously, and I’m completely lost already.

Oh boy, a virtual narrator…I can’t go on, I’m sorry, Sandra.

Now then. My first of the 7WC works. Thought I'd have a dig in into the space cadet's log. What can I say? I'm a masochist.

I see you've fooked a few heads already Sandra. Good work girl, keep it up.

Moira Vanish? Will she?

You've an unusual flourish with a phrase. That's nice. I find in my own writing I've a habit of using the same stock phrases and sentence structures. Slackness on my part. Typical. I'll remember some of these. That's good. I'm intrigued.

I always get a bit worried when I see INT / EXT as I've no real idea where I'm supposed to be. It ain't so bad with a car but... I dunno, maybe that was the idea.

This TV reporter reminds me of the one in Amelie, sometimes known as Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain de Montmart. Fantastic film, and right up your alley, if you pardon the phrase. Ahem.

I'm big on moaning about 'and' at the moment. I'm gonna tell Rob off about it again soon.

An example to follow. I won't quote much of your script here as folks should read it, in my humble.

Quoted from The Magic Of Letters Moira pulls out a sketch from her desk and holds it up.

She doesn't really. She pulls it out then holds it up. Small point some would say but it can flaw an otherwise fine phrase.

Now, about twenty pages in or so. It's madness! Madness young lady. I like it and I find myself smiling a lot. There is something USAKing going on here, without all that sperm, penises and vaginas and the like that he's so fond of.

SS HQ? You mean like Don's bedroom? Hey, I heard it's massive. His bedroom that is.

I can you had a lot of fun writing this. An imagination running literally wild. And you have quite an imagination.

Sample dialogue to prove my point
"THE WOMAN: What a tangled web we weave when we practice to dece- December! Happy first of December! Fa-la-la! Sisboomb- bah!"
"GLENDA: Jerk Off Jeremiah and I are through and I won’t be frying him anymore of his morning eggs."

Jerk Off Jeremiah had me laughing out loud, for a while too.. That was a good one.

There's a coupla tech bits which irked me a little. Bit of past tense here and there. ONly a few typos, which was nice.
This fourth wall breaking does get a little confusing. Some, not much, of the dialogue could do with some action lines to break it up a little. Even if it's only a small reaction.

You need to keep dialogue, even when a crowd speak, out of action lines and in dialogue ones.

Punching lines is a no no in my book unless it changes the meaning of the sentence.

On the whole it's a bit too talky for me. But hey, that's just me and talky can be good.

Have to say though, on the whole for a script written quickly with a deadline it's pretty damn fine work. It's mad. But mad has served Gilliam and Lynch and many others well over the years.

I am reading closely too as I do notice some of the earlier imagery reappearing later. Sadly I have no idea why, but I am sure you do, Sandra.

I often found myself lost while reading. That said there's a beauty in the madness of this. Many good ideas. And many good lines too.

To summarise. I'd say it a tad too mad for it's own good making it difficult to follow. However, some of it's really enjoyable, witty and funny. Some of it's plain ol' looney tunes.

Have to say well done on completing the challenge. I obviously wasn't man enough and bottled it without trying. Tune down the crazy stuff and you may have something here.

R

Thank you Jeff for giving it a try. It can't possibly be for everyone and it takes a certain type to be able to read and feel the aspects that are within.

RV, thank you for managing with it. I am trying my best to bring the madness down to a level of understanding, but it's hard because I work on the level of feelings and I need to keep coming back around the block several times to figure out just how to do this.

My current goal is to let it get cold and come back to it in the summer and see what I can do. Right now, I need to finish up the 7WC reads and other work I have on the go, do some re-grouping and prepare for the cruise I'll be on at the end of January.

The plan is to bring Moira and the other characters along on the cruise with me. Perhaps to become, The Magic of Letters - A Cruising Story  

Thank you again. It's very much appreciated.

Sandra

Hi Sandra, I've just read from page 50 to the end. I'd just got home from work this morning. We did a dawn fill at the supermarket from 5 am till 9 am. It was a public holiday yesterday and they don't get us in then cos they have to pay penalty rates.

It spissing down rain and very humid - has been since xmas Day!. Anyway, my brain is mushy and tired so I thoguht i'd finish your script.
I still couldn't make head nor tail out of it, but the sheer volume and scope of it is very impressive. If you added some violence to it, I could see Tarantino filming it!!

It also reminded me of something Jack Kerouac or Hunter S thompson would write. I've only heard about their stuff not read it, but yours had that sort of flow to it.
I wouldn't label it stream-of-consciuosness either, because it was evident you had full control over everything at all times - well, except when your real self was pissed or stoned...
Great effort thoguh for the 7 weeks. I admire the immensity of it.

Cheers stevie.

Quoted from stevie Hi Sandra, I've just read from page 50 to the end. I'd just got home from work this morning. We did a dawn fill at the supermarket from 5 am till 9 am. It was a public holiday yesterday and they don't get us in then cos they have to pay penalty rates. It spissing down rain and very humid - has been since xmas Day!. Anyway, my brain is mushy and tired so I thoguht i'd finish your script. I still couldn't make head nor tail out of it, but the sheer volume and scope of it is very impressive. If you added some violence to it, I could see Tarantino filming it!! It also reminded me of something Jack Kerouac or Hunter S thompson would write. I've only heard about their stuff not read it, but yours had that sort of flow to it. I wouldn't label it stream-of-consciuosness either, because it was evident you had full control over everything at all times - well, except when your real self was pissed or stoned... Great effort thoguh for the 7 weeks. I admire the immensity of it. Cheers stevie.

Stevie, thank you so much for managing to tread through the deep waters.

My work is in trying to master the craft at many levels and really tend to the audience-- the audience, being so diverse and yet, so much the same and from a unified point. How do I manage it? I ask this often. I don't have an answer except to try.

If I could have just an ounce of formula and a pinch of structure against the madness, then perhaps I might have something.

My daughter bought me Garden of Eden tea for Chistmas from Teopia and a cast iron Tea pot. Will that help? Maybe. I'm drinking scotch at the moment...

Yes, Coffee in the morning. Tea in the afternoon. Scotch or Vodka in the evening.

If I'm up at 3 am like Rumley, I'll surely have the Zohar open in front of me.

And it's a long story, but it's something I just have to do. You know what it's like-- that possession to write and you just wish sometimes you could lose the obsession.

I will research the references you made of:

Jack Kerouac or Hunter S Thompson

I don't have the knowledge base that many of you have, but you are teaching me.

Thank you so much and if we make it together, just remember...

I owe you big time!!!

Sandra

Hi Sandra,

I don't believe I've ever read anything from you, so this was fresh to my eyes.  Read this over three separate settings today and unfortunately I found it a little rough to get through.  I carefully followed along up until page 30 and by that point I felt a bit of frustration because there wasn't really a hook and there was too much going on.  I wanted to try and provide at least a little bit of constructive feedback, so I skimmed through the rest.  You've got an epic on your hands here but the problem is that there's just so much going on that I honestly just couldn't fully digest.  What I can tell from this piece is that you can write.  That's not the problem.  The problem is that the story needs more direction and it needs a hook.

You got a real Fantasy-Alice-In-Wonderland feel going on throughout.  It seemed that with every unorthodox trait this script had, there was another three or four immediately following it and the scripts has a lot of charm and clever humor.  But, again, there's just so much going on and I really do apologize that I can't go more in depth with feedback, but in a way these words alone could be valuable in the future.

As I said, it was beautifully written as I'd expect it to be from you since you put a lot of thought and heart into every post you contribute on this site, but I think it needs more focus and direction.  But hey, kudos on your first feature

Also...

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. My work is in trying to master the craft at many levels and really tend to the audience-- the audience, being so diverse and yet, so much the same and from a unified point. How do I manage it? I ask this often. I don't have an answer except to try.

Your audience is the most important thing and each genre has a different target that they're appealing to.   YOUR audience for YOUR script is who you should be trying to please.  It would be nice to please everyone, but that will never happen.   A billion people might really like what you write but there will always be that one guy who's like "boo this sucks my ass and you suck too!"  If it's a family comedy, obviously your target audience are probably youth and their folks.  If it's a teen slasher, pretty self explanatory.  If it's a story about a political sex scandal, your audience are probably adults.

The point is you need to select who your target audience is.  You need to know who you're appealing to and who will enjoy your script.

I hope I was at least a little helpful.  Keep writing.

-Greg