Christmas Eve At St. Mary's (7WC) by P. Cook (me) - Horror, Slasher

Twas the night before Christmas and all through St Mary's,
Santa is horny so the women are wary,
a trio of nurses provide invasive care,
all witnessed by a young girl we're not sure is there.

  90 pages - pdf, format

Pia.

You really are quite a character. The beautiful Swede with the penchant for sick and twisted story lines. You're like Tim Burton's Wet Dream.

I mean that in the nicest possible way. Not in a weird, internet stalker kind of way.

I know where you live.

Anyway, it's a fun story that ticks all the B-movie horror type story boxes.

Major thought after reading first 40 or so pages:

Could do with some more inventive deaths to really sell it.

A hospital is fertile ground for murder. All sorts of weird and wonderful drugs. Knives, hammers, saws to cut bones.  Machines of all descriptions, designed to tear and probe assorted orifices.

I'd like to see our Sanat traipsing around through different wards, utlising the equipment in the most sadistic way possible.

A living autopsy in the autopsy room.

Amputations.

Severe rhinoplasty.


Whatever. I can see a mad Doctor having a lot of fun on his victims in a hospital.

The worrying thing is I can imagine you having a lot of fun as well, Sicko.

Merry Christmas.

This was interesting. I flew through the pages in under two hours which is unusual as I’m quite a slow reader. This was very enjoyable, if muddled in places.

Since this is a first draft, I’m not going to mention anything about typos/grammar or any issues like that. I didn’t take any notes of them as I’m sure you’ll catch them all with another few reads.

-----------------SPOLIERS FROM HERE ON---------------------------------------------

I see what you were going for here. I imagined it like one of those sick horror movies from the 70’s and it works very well like that. I was enjoying the guessing game as to who the Santa Claus was but it turned out to be the obvious, which was a bit of a letdown to be honest. I think you should try to make it look like someone else is the Santa before revealing Dr. Synder to surprise the reader. I was so into the guessing game, on page 36 after the nurses run off with Gregory, I was convinced they knew he was the killer and all the deaths were on a different timeline, say one day earlier (which is why he is so sore down below!). Shows how wrong I was in the end.

I think the biggest problem here was the amount of stories packed into this. You have the psycho Dr. Synder, the rapist Gregory and the nurses revenge then the ghost story. The ghost stuff is hinted at in the logline so I was disappointed it took 50 odd pages to get to it. I think you could weave those stories together better without it getting too confusing if you know what I mean. Some of the ghost girl earlier in between Dr. Synder’s rampage for example. There is a chance it could get too confusing doing it that way, but I think it’s possible. Right now, it reads like three different stories forced into the one script.

I liked your characters most of all. I liked how the Goth girl was freaked when she saw the bodies. I liked how crazy those nurses were. I liked Santa Claus and thought he had a couple of great lines of dialogue. On that point, dialogue missed the mark with me on a few instances, but on the whole, it worked.

I think the deaths could do with some more thought. In a place like that, all Santa could manage was a large knife. I thought there was more of an opportunity for some real creative kills in there. Special mention to the one where Santa pushes her head off with his finger. That played out well for me. You did well on the torture scene, but it would have been more effective if you gave concrete proof that Gregory was a rapist other than the tattoo and the nurses word for it.

Overall, I was impressed. This could be really good if you can intertwine these sick stories more and bring more from the ghost angle earlier. Good job and well done meeting the deadline on time. I wrote down my thoughts while reading, whether they’re helpful or not is another matter.

p7 - Maybe you could show and not tell us in an action line about the ward being closed for the holidays, she could walk into the empty ward, then turn and see a sign on the door saying it's closed or something.

p27- For the first time, I'm starting to feel the dialogue is a bit forced in the morgue scene. MONA "Ha, good one, Santa." SANTA CLAUS "I figured you’d be the type that gets off on beeing spooked." I didn't like this bit at all. I'm waiting for Santa to get horny and kill this girl but I'm not feeling any atmosphere in this scene at all, which is strange as it's in a dark morgue with dead bodies.

p28 - I'm still trying to guess who Santa Claus is. First, I thought Dr. Snyder as he was kinda strange in the elevator but that would be too obvious. Then I thought about the guy with the Viagra problem when he was introduced as Santa is a horny guy but now Santa seems to know a bit about dead bodies so this leads me to believe it is a doctor or nurse.

p30 - Shows how quickly things can change. Now I'm really enjoying the dialogue between Santa and Mona now he's turned on her. "I’m trembling in my big black Santa boots". Nice.

p36 - Early impressions, good so far, still interested to find out who the killer is. I love a good guessing game. Especially after the last scene, I'm almost certain it's Gregory and the two stories are on different timelines but I could be 100% wrong.

p46 - Dr. Synder it is then. I guess I was way off.

p51 - We're finally getting to the ghost that was hinted at in the very creative logline.  

p91 - Didn't really get the ending, I'm sorry to say. I'm confused and don't really get it, maybe there's something I missed?

Brian

Hey Pia. Skimmed over this one and just wanted to say I think you did a really good job cleaning it up. It flows way better this time around. In particular, the introduction of the college kids works way better in that their mischief takes off right away. I don't think I noticed before but reading this now, I think the old scenes at the college dragged a little. The scene with Maria and Ralph at the end works WAY better this time. Very powerful.

Great job! Loved the script and it seems to be even better this time.

Hi Pia,

I think this is the first feature I've ever read from you.  On the whole I enjoyed it.  It was  a fast read with plenty of blood and sex, some "fun" characters and themes, and some of your trademarked freaky violence.  That said, when thinking of some of your more darker shorts(i.e. Darker Side of Man, Savage Frontier, Be My Valentine, etc.) this one seemed more tame and I'm not sure that was the angle you were going for.  There was violence galore of course and some of it was whoa mama. The three nurses ripping Gregory to shreds and Dr. Snyder/Santa's escapades were well done.  As I read on, I was very intrigued at what was next for them.  Some of the killings, though, were pretty relative in comparison to what other horrible acts of violence/torture you've thought up before(i.e. Mona getting her head sliced off).  If anyone is to write a real shock value story I think you're one of the best, but at times this story felt like it fell back onto the basic teen slasher formula.  Sneaky teens, pot, alcohol, head slices, etc.  You know what I mean?

So I really "liked" Dr. Snyder/Santa.  You didn't hold back with his violently perverted personality and his scenes, some of them as dark as they were, were quite engaging.  The Three Nurses also.  Great stuff.  The best part of that sequence was that these three women were being so polite to each other.  "Could you please hand me that? Oh thank you!""Why, you're welcome!" Also the way they decided to take Gregory apart, very well done.  The characters after that, Stephanie and her gang, I felt were just kind of lacking.  Like I said above, they felt teen slasherish and routine.  

I would have liked to see the ghost story start a bit earlier or maybe work it so it's more of a thriller and we find out the girl is a ghost at the very end.  Her story was a nice add-on, but I think the timing could be worked on.  It was also good to have her interact with other people.  Not your typical ghost.  Ralph's subplot I felt was fairly good considering how far down the pecking order he was.  The guy was a dick and he deserved everything he had coming to him.  Oh yeah, "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" is actually called "The Christmas Song."  

So overall it was a quick read, brought some new sexy violence to the plate, very cleanly written and had good dialogue.  I know you had limited time to do this and you seemed wary about it(I still snoop around and read most of the threads muwahah) but it was a pretty good read.  You're masterful at orchestrating a moving story, so be happy with what you've turned out.

I hope some of these comments are helpful.
-Greg

Wow! Amazing feedback after it's been up for about 6 hours.

I only have time to respond to Decadence this time since I'm doing a lot of cooking tonight.

First off Rick, thanks for the compliment.  

I agree that I could be more inventive with the killings. Maybe you didn't get to the nurses yet... I will think up something more gruesome for sure. I think I wrote it in 3 or 4 weeks then I started a second script, but after I got some great feedback from Cornetto, James and Sean, I decided to try to improve this one rather than crank out a second one. I changed a lot of things, but never got around to trying to be creative with the kills.

And yes, I did have a lot of fun writing this. The nurses were my favorite part. The college students the weakest, or my least favorite.

Thanks for reading and I hope you like the rest better.  

I will respond to the other comments tomorrow probably. Tonight I'm making meatball, pickling herring and stuff like that...with a beer or two to help.  

SOME SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Hi Pia. Have just finished reading your script. I was only gonna read some for now, but it was reading quick so I kept going!
Nice job here. I'm not a real slasher fan but this kept me interested. After a sort of predictable start, you really booted up the tension.
I liked the three seperate story lines, I reckon they fitted well. It was all moving nicely towards an uncertain - thus exciting - finale.

The three nurses doing a cut and paste job on Gregory was shocking to me! Wow, full on stuff there. It sort of became surreal because these were just normal women doing this gross stuff. Not that peds and rapists shouldn't be punished. But it was like they had no disregard for any legal consequences in the future. Now, if you gave these chraracters some earlier signs of being a bit 'different' it would've been more effective?
Perhaps you could signal early on, that all the staff are weird and the hospital is a real fruitcake lair!
The Ralph and Maria scenes, while good, and tying up some exposition, sort of slowed the pace a bit. You were probably nearing the end of your writing, trying to get it done, so that's quite alright.
The ending in the morgue? Somehow the kids truned into zombies? There is still an unknown presence lurking in there, I think, from when Carmen is first locked in. Something moves on a stretcher.

Anyway, Pia, I'm sure when you can revise this at your leisure, all will be clearer.

A very good effort!   My next script ambition is to do a horror one! Maybe not a slasher but a vampire/zombie type thing.   Cheers stevie

Quoted from Brian M This was interesting. I flew through the pages in under two hours which is unusual as I’m quite a slow reader. This was very enjoyable, if muddled in places. Since this is a first draft, I’m not going to mention anything about typos/grammar or any issues like that. I didn’t take any notes of them as I’m sure you’ll catch them all with another few reads.

Thanks for reading Brian. Means a lot. This is my first feature ever posted here so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.

The typos I might be able to spot, but grammar might be a bit trickier as English is not my specialty...I'm thinking I might get some of the errors pointed out by Jeff.  

Quoted from Brian M I see what you were going for here. I imagined it like one of those sick horror movies from the 70’s and it works very well like that. I was enjoying the guessing game as to who the Santa Claus was but it turned out to be the obvious, which was a bit of a letdown to be honest. I think you should try to make it look like someone else is the Santa before revealing Dr. Synder to surprise the reader. I was so into the guessing game, on page 36 after the nurses run off with Gregory, I was convinced they knew he was the killer and all the deaths were on a different timeline, say one day earlier (which is why he is so sore down below!). Shows how wrong I was in the end.

I see what you mean about maybe pointing suspicion towards someone else. I like that.

There is only one timeline (I think). Basically several things that all take place one night at the hospital.

Quoted from Brian M I think the biggest problem here was the amount of stories packed into this. You have the psycho Dr. Synder, the rapist Gregory and the nurses revenge then the ghost story. The ghost stuff is hinted at in the logline so I was disappointed it took 50 odd pages to get to it. I think you could weave those stories together better without it getting too confusing if you know what I mean. Some of the ghost girl earlier in between Dr. Synder’s rampage for example. There is a chance it could get too confusing doing it that way, but I think it’s possible. Right now, it reads like three different stories forced into the one script.

Someone else told me I needed to tie the stories together better, so I guess I need to seriously consider that. Not sure how to, but maybe it'll come to me after I think for a while.

Quoted from Brian M I liked your characters most of all. I liked how the Goth girl was freaked when she saw the bodies. I liked how crazy those nurses were. I liked Santa Claus and thought he had a couple of great lines of dialogue. On that point, dialogue missed the mark with me on a few instances, but on the whole, it worked.

I'm glad you liked the characters. Dialogue is hard for me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I agree some lines didn't work...

Quoted from Brian M I think the deaths could do with some more thought. In a place like that, all Santa could manage was a large knife. I thought there was more of an opportunity for some real creative kills in there. Special mention to the one where Santa pushes her head off with his finger. That played out well for me. You did well on the torture scene, but it would have been more effective if you gave concrete proof that Gregory was a rapist other than the tattoo and the nurses word for it.

I hate writing lame kills. That just didn't used to be me at all!   Maybe I'm getting old. I agree though that I need to bump them up and I have some ideas churning. Maybe I should consult Jordan on it.

Quoted from Brian M Overall, I was impressed. This could be really good if you can intertwine these sick stories more and bring more from the ghost angle earlier. Good job and well done meeting the deadline on time. [quote=1987brian]p7 - Maybe you could show and not tell us in an action line about the ward being closed for the holidays, she could walk into the empty ward, then turn and see a sign on the door saying it's closed or something.

I agree.

Quoted from Brian M p27- For the first time, I'm starting to feel the dialogue is a bit forced in the morgue scene. MONA "Ha, good one, Santa." SANTA CLAUS "I figured you’d be the type that gets off on beeing spooked." I didn't like this bit at all. I'm waiting for Santa to get horny and kill this girl but I'm not feeling any atmosphere in this scene at all, which is strange as it's in a dark morgue with dead bodies.

Again, good point and I agree.

Quoted from Brian M p91 - Didn't really get the ending, I'm sorry to say. I'm confused and don't really get it, maybe there's something I missed?

I intended it like everyone is messed up at St. Mary's. I tried to hint in the beginning that Louise was lonely since her husband died so she takes Gregory home to keep...

Thanks Brian!!  

Just got home from spending Christmas in Tampa. I'm stuffed and beat, but will try to get to the others later tonight. Not ignoring you.  

Quoted from James McClung Skimmed over this one and just wanted to say I think you did a really good job cleaning it up. It flows way better this time around. In particular, the introduction of the college kids works way better in that their mischief takes off right away. The scene with Maria and Ralph at the end works WAY better this time. Very powerful. Great job! Loved the script and it seems to be even better this time.

Thanks for breezing over it again James. I do listen to criticism.

Quoted from Greg I think this is the first feature I've ever read from you.

Yes, it is. The first one I ever posted online. Yeay!!

Quoted from Greg On the whole I enjoyed it.  It was  a fast read with plenty of blood and sex, some "fun" characters and themes, and some of your trademarked freaky violence.  That said, when thinking of some of your more darker shorts(i.e. Darker Side of Man, Savage Frontier, Be My Valentine, etc.) this one seemed more tame and I'm not sure that was the angle you were going for.  There was violence galore of course and some of it was whoa mama. The three nurses ripping Gregory to shreds and Dr. Snyder/Santa's escapades were well done.  As I read on, I was very intrigued at what was next for them.  Some of the killings, though, were pretty relative in comparison to what other horrible acts of violence/torture you've thought up before(i.e. Mona getting her head sliced off).  If anyone is to write a real shock value story I think you're one of the best, but at times this story felt like it fell back onto the basic teen slasher formula.  Sneaky teens, pot, alcohol, head slices, etc.  You know what I mean?

GASP!!! I'm being called lame????? I hear you Greg and you can count on me making this one full blown. I think there might have been some part in my subconcious that wanted to spare some people that hate violence that were takig part in this 7wc from reading "too" much gruesomeness. Especially for Christmas.

Quoted from Greg So I really "liked" Dr. Snyder/Santa.  You didn't hold back with his violently perverted personality and his scenes, some of them as dark as they were, were quite engaging.  The Three Nurses also.  Great stuff.  The best part of that sequence was that these three women were being so polite to each other.  "Could you please hand me that? Oh thank you!""Why, you're welcome!" Also the way they decided to take Gregory apart, very well done.  The characters after that, Stephanie and her gang, I felt were just kind of lacking.  Like I said above, they felt teen slasherish and routine.

They were my least favorite too. Maybe I can come up with an entirely different storyline for them.

Quoted from Greg I would have liked to see the ghost story start a bit earlier or maybe work it so it's more of a thriller and we find out the girl is a ghost at the very end.  Her story was a nice add-on, but I think the timing could be worked on.  It was also good to have her interact with other people.  Not your typical ghost.  Ralph's subplot I felt was fairly good considering how far down the pecking order he was.  The guy was a dick and he deserved everything he had coming to him.

How early did you know she was a ghost? I would like to keep that a secret as long as possible.

Quoted from Greg Oh yeah, "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" is actually called "The Christmas Song."

Thanks for that. I didn't know. I came up with most of this stuff while driving around listening to Christmas music. One station here plays only that 24/7 from the day after Thanksgiving.

Quoted from Greg So overall it was a quick read, brought some new sexy violence to the plate, very cleanly written and had good dialogue.  I know you had limited time to do this and you seemed wary about it(I still snoop around and read most of the threads muwahah) but it was a pretty good read.  You're masterful at orchestrating a moving story, so be happy with what you've turned out. I hope some of these comments are helpful. -Greg

Thanks for the compliment!! Of course your comments were helpful! I listen and take all comments seriously.

Thanks for reading Greg. I didn't know you still ghost in here!  

I'm sure this will be deleted, but I wanted to let you know I'm reading and taking notes on this one now. Should have a few posts before the end of the night.  Haven't read any comments, so I'm going in blind!

Quoted from Dreamscale I'm going in blind!

I find that funny...you'll see why soon.

Give it to me straight Jeff. You know I can take it!

You know it, Pia.  On page 10, and have a half post of notes already, and I'm not completely editing it (just don't have time with all the other 7WC's), but taking pretty good page by page notes.

I like it so far...really!  I'll keep at it!

This was fun; a welcome relief from the traditional Heat Miser/Cold Miser Battle;

I liked the set up; a run-down old hospital with ghosts, rats and other yucky things hiding behind every rusty pipe and ever creaky door. The ghostly Maria blends in nicely with this setting, and is good draw for Stephanie and her friends to go milling about in there.

Liked Mona; she was a cool, twisted personality whom I probably dated when I was in college, or at least hung out with...I would have liked to have seen a little bit more battle out of her...Seemed like a lot of people slipped around down there in the morgue; I'd imagine they'd have those rubber mats, like in the slaughterhouses, to prevent that sort of thing, but no biggie.

Dr. Snyder was a good creep, preying on the nurses and delivering cool, evil santa catch phrases;
"Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down the autopsy room." Fun stuff.

The Gregory plot was somewhat comical (It's funny how much we learn about obscure medical risks from watching commercials during football games.) However, I think it breaks the triology of stories (Dr.Snyder, Maria, and the kids in the Morgue) too much. Not that I don't appreciate the random dismemberment of pedophiles (I do)...It does, however, fit into the color and setting of this hospital of horrors; the last place you'd want to go to with that sort of problem.

...(although Maria does comfort the victim, which is sweet of her.)

I liked the fact that Maria got some payback.

I would have liked to have seen the action going on the morgue, as things go horribly, horribly wrong for Stephanie and her friends.

Descriptions, dialogue and that sort of thing seemed fine to me; very smooth and easy read...

Fun Holiday diversion, and congratulations on meeting the challenge.

Added: after looking at the other comments, I kind of figured Maria was a ghost right away, how she kept popping in and out of the scenes, checking things out as they were going along...Stephanie's exposition confirmed it. Thought it was a good story line.

I also figured Dr. Snyder was the killer Santa; Trevor was a possible, but after his own encounter with Santa, proved the point.

Pia, here are my thoughts on your script:

Careful you don’t put unneeded words in the script, such as in the first line or so, “Pull back to reveal, it is a red candle”. You could take out “it is”.

I’m at page 22, and forgot to take notes, I got so involved with the story. One line, “This “is” a hospital...”... shouldn’t the “is” be in italics instead?

The morgue scene was creepy and very well written.

I liked how you did the flashback of Snyder’s wife being killed, and the V.O. telling something completely different.

Page 82... Ralph explaining everything is a bit forced and doesn’t seem natural. If you can find another way to show what he did, that would be better.

Okay the zombie thing at the end ruined it for me. Everything else was explained and rational except for that.

I would have liked to know a bit more about the nurses, they were shallow.

I don't have many notes here, but there really wasn't that much I could take notes on...

Okay finished. This was really quite cool, and I enjoyed reading it. I'm not a horror fan, but this was a fun scrip in terms of story, and the way you write. I thought there was sometimes a bit too much going on... too many stories, but it flowed well.

As you know I am new to screenwriting, but I do think you have a shitload of talent, and can't wait to read your next feature.

OK, Pia, all done.  I took pretty complete page by page notes, but didn’t list every mistake.  Several comma issues repeat themselves throughout the script.  These notes will be posted as separate posts, so it looks like you get a 3 post review here.

First of all, congrats on completing this in 7 weeks.  Congrats are also in order for totally meeting the challenge requirements.  Christmas is very prevalent here and you’ve put together a horror script that stands on its own feet, for sure.

Here are my thoughts…

I was really, really liking this up until about page 45 or so.  Almost everything about it worked for me.  It was suspenseful, well paced, some great lines, cool tone and atmosphere, nice long, detailed kill scenes…pretty much the whole shebang.

From there, things really fell down quickly, I’m sorry to say.  The next 30 pages were OK, but the tone and story completely changed.  And the final 15 pages, IMO, were pretty bad and really dragged down what I thought was a fantastic script.  No clue where all these zombies came from, or why you decided to include them.

So, IMO, you went way overboard here, Pia, in terms of plot, story, and number of characters.  The Dr. Snyder/Santa killer plot was very good and IMO, should have been the only plotline going on.  If you really wanted to include the ghostly Maria, I guess that would be cool, but the other stuff needs to go.

I didn’t like the 3 nurses and Gregory plotline.  If you toned it down quite a bit, maybe it would be OK, but it goes on way too long and is way too over the top.

I didn’t like the 4 kids either, and based on their off screen demise, they really meant zero to this script.  The zombie stuff came out of left field and really left a bad taste in my mouth.  Just doesn’t make any sense at all.  It feels like you just started throwing in everything that came to your mind.

Also, didn’t really like the Ralph plotline.  Too much of a coincidence that he was the one involved with Maria.  Also didn’t like his demise.  The fact that no cops were called is mind numbing, and at that instant, any semblance of reality was completely lost.

A big problem throughout the script was timing.  Because you had so many plotlines going on, and because your kill scenes were very detailed and long, it didn’t make sense in terms of time what was going on.  I pointed out a few times in my page by page notes when this was taking place, but thinking back, it happened a lot.  I personally love when multiple plotlines are running at the same time, but you have to find a way to make them work in “real time”, and show us enough back and forth, so that we stay up on each story and its characters.  I think it will come down to either introing some scenes later, or just getting back to them (and completing them) sooner. The other option is of course, cutting some of them out, which will free up time and space for more details of your main plotline, which disappears after Dr. Snyder gets out of the shower/locker room.

You know, people often think that more is better, and simple is less.  I disagree with that philosophy whole heartedly.  This is a perfect example of attempting way too much, and getting way too creative and clever.  Your original plotline about a horny, dirty, crazed Dr. who dresses up like Santa and butchers staff and patients alike on Christmas Eve was gold.  You set your scenes well, played up atmosphere, tension, and fear, and had a great little slasher script going.  I would have loved to see this play out in a real, believable way.

When you decided to throw all this other stuff in, IMO, you ruined the script you had going.  I really can’t put it any other way.  I wish I could tell you how much I loved it (like I did in a PM last night).  But I can’t.  I can tell you the first 45 pages or so are fantastic and the start of what could be a great script.  I really hope you revisit this and turn it into what it wants to be…what it should be.  Sometimes, simple is best.  When it works, it works, and this was working.  As it sits now, it doesn’t work, IMO.

OK, that’s that, Pia.  You know I don’t mean to be harsh or anything.  Some great work in 7 weeks, any way you slice it.  You’ve got a great, whacky imagination, and I think in this case, it got the best of you.  Keep it simple.  I think it would work much better here.

Happy Holidays!