A Hard Boiled Christmas (7WC) by T. Joseph Fraser (Blakkwolfe) - Drama - Ezra Merriman, a young safecracker, wants to go straight. But after his sweetheart is gunned down in a vicious attack, he decides to pull off the biggest heist of his career. 85 pages - pdf, format

Ok, I'm going to do my best, here.

All right. Overall, I liked the script.

**PROBABLY SPOILERS FROM HERE DOWN**

Ok. This script probably could've been renamed "The Expendables". It seemed like you'd introduce a couple people then they'd die. So, we'd get a few more people. They'd die. You kind of did that every 20 pages or so.

I liked the first 15 pages or so, till the first group of people died.

Once they went to New Orleans, it wasn't really as interesting anymore. Not to say it's bad, but it lost the edge it could've had during all that time.

The main character's not really emotionally attached too well. He liked the hooker but as sono as she died, he went straight for the rich, snob in New Orleans.

I really wish his original boss had lived longer. He was probably the most interesting character in the story, for me.

Yeah, I thought the ending (pretty much from when the show store gets shot up) was weak. Not really anything to do with you, it was just very "A to B". Know what I mean?

I liked the Thanksgiving scene. I liked "George Smith"'s first safe test. And, the scene where the mobsters came to get shoes was interestingly tense. Not sure why, because nothing actually happened in that particular part, but it felt like it could've.

As a first draft, I'll give it 6.5/10.

Notes: lots of grammatical errors. Lots of punctual errors. Dialogue was good in parts but not in others. Think about keeping some characters alive a little bit longer. Lol.

Like I said, it's good as a first draft and I hope to see some good fixes to it.

-Sean

Hey TJF,

Good work on your script. I liked it. Definitely had a hard boiled feel to it. Congrats on completing the 7WC and thanks for being a cheerleader on the boards for this project.

Your script was well thought out but needs something else -- as most early drafts do.  I saw this script as being about a criminal trying to better his life then getting sucked back into it as a one last time effort to cleanse himself. Cool.

Here’s a few things to consider for polishing this one (I am not an expert by may means ) If you‘re like me, you‘ve heard some of these before (in my case too many):

-- A bit more tension and sense of doom for Ezra. The aunt may be one way to do this. Put her in danger. A short back-story would help. Maybe. Maybe not.

-- Up the stakes. Stanley could have held Lucy as a hostage. And pregnant unknown by Ezra. That may be a tad predictable but something is needed. You did do this but not the step up it could've been.

-- Put others in danger not just shot through a window by thugs. Show the thugs on an unavoidable collision course with Ezra. Checking in at the airport, getting to the hotel, etc. Make it personal.

One thing you did very well was keep me guessing if Stanley was the man behind the shoe store shooting without Stanley actually revealing it.

-- Charlie was cool  but shouldn’t have been won over so easily by Paddy an d Ezra’s crew. A street wise punk may be more hard to overcome and be more touched by Ezra’s offer.

-- The gang got into Capone’s place too easily. No one was there except Charlie? I don’t buy that even given Stanley’s explanation.

-- Some of the dialogue was a bit longish in spots. But you did give it a flavor for the times and different locales.

-- Capone would be furious about this and would find out or kill any one  involved in this or related to or even just met.

Congrats again. I’d like to read any future drafts.

Gary

You did a good job with this. The Christmas theme was pretty much in the background but the rules of the challenge say that’s alright and I’m completely fine with it. Again, as it’s a first draft, all typos/grammar issues will be ignored and I’ll talk about the story.

My biggest problem is that your logline promises us a story which only starts when we hit page 60. I would recommend changing your logline to tell us more about the story as a whole, not just what happens in the last 35 pages.

I didn’t buy Ezra’s relationship with Gladys. In my opinion, she was just another body and I didn’t see a purpose for her in here at all. On the other hand, I really liked his relationship with Lucy so you did something right there. One thing I did notice was that we were only told through the montage that Ezra got a job in the shoe store. For me, this is a major plot point as it shows he was trying very hard to just be a normal person. I think you could throw a scene in here where he gets offered a job by Simon while he’s talking to Lucy. People may argue over it not being important enough but I do think it’s missing something like this.

The whole shoe shop murders made a great scene, before and after. The gangsters getting some free shoes to keep them happy was interesting. I can’t help but think how much better it could have been if it was Capone and not Angelo who walked in there but you didn’t ‘show’ his face. Angelo doesn’t really do much else in this story and he is another character I think could be chopped if you were looking for cuts in later drafts.

I don’t think the question of who shot Lucy had been answered. I thought Stanley was behind it when he shot the guy before he could talk but I can’t remember it being answered fully. I thought Stanley would have double crossed them at the end when they broke into the safe but that never came. At the back of my mind I thought Stanley was driven by something more than greed, I thought he wanted Capone’s place at the top, his power as he was just a small time gangster not that long ago. Fair play to Ezra, instead of seeking revenge with a gun for what happened to Lucy, he hits them in the hardest place, their wallets. I like how you did that as 90% of similar movies would have went the other route.

I also got the sense that Ezra wasn’t in that much trouble after Lucy is gunned down. I agree with a previous comment about upping the stakes one way or another. It would make the finale all the more thrilling.

Your action writing was good and a breeze to read. The dialogue was brilliant in places but slightly flat in others, which is understandable as this is a first draft and you are dealing with something from the 1920’s. On the whole, there were more good than bad though so well done.

Overall, this was a good effort. I haven’t read a gangster script in ages so it was a refreshing change. Will be interesting to see what you change in the next draft. Well done on completing the challenge on time. Good job!

Merry Christmas!

Brian

Mr Grademan, Mr. Blonde and Mr. 1987 Brian;

Thank you all greatly for taking time to read through A Hard Boiled Christmas. I'll give thoughtful response a few days after the holidays; again, thanks very much and hope you are enjoying your day.

T. Joe

Hi T Joe. Spewing! i read this last night and posted a review. As I sent it, my Net connection went off, so the post disapperared! So here it is again.

I liked this! The period piece was done well; the language, settings and characters all evoked the era nicely. I could imagine a yound DiCaprio playing Ezra.

When the focus shifted to New Orleans, the tempo waned a lot, as Mr blonde noted too. i know you were setting up the thing with Lucy and his eventual return to Chicago, but the script slowed right down. Still some good writing in there. I liked your violence scenes - by that I mean they were written economically and neat. I though Lucy should've expressed more emotion at the death of her father. That whole scene at the hospital came over almost as comic given the circumstances.

The finale was done pretty well. It was a fair stretch that Capone's stash wasn't guarded too heavily - a huge gun battle might be a possible alternate in a re-write?
Anyway, i was entertained during the script, and that's the main thing.

All in all, a nice job. well done buddy.

PS- i started reading Sandra's and got to page 25. Whew, some mad stuff going on in there! I'll continue on with it today.  Cheers all.

Hey man, started reading your script, here are my thoughts:

The “Mr” and “Mrs” gets annoying when it’s in the script so often. I suggest that when the characters have dialogue, just have their last name, without the title. The action lines are obviously different, but you have “Mr. Sanders” in some scenes, and then “Sanders” in others, so keep an eye out for that and make it all the same.

Is it “Saunders” or “Sanders”?

I think the big problem with your writing, but an easy fix, is your confusing action lines...

“Pleasant house on a suburban street in Cicero, Illinois.
Snow blankets the trees and side walks.
AUNT ESTHER, 40’s and fat, stands on the front porch with Mr.
Saunders and Ezra.
Saunders tips his hat and leaves, heading for a cab.
He checks for his wallet to pay the driver. Not there.
He glares towards Ezra.
Ezra smiles and shows him his wallet as he enters the house.”

Scene baffles me. Is he going towards the cab, or entering the house? Where is he leaving from? So confusing, needs to be clearer.

Another example is,
“Mr. Sanders and Ezra enter the grand marble foyer.
Ezra stares wide eyed at the columns and the general business
of the people moving around.
He carries a small duffel bag.
Sanders grabs him by the wrist and hurries him toward the
trains.”

I had to read that four times to see who Sanders was grabbing...  because in the script, it doesn’t say.

“Either you or don’t” missing a “do”. The dialogue so far has been very good, I like it.

“Michael and Ezra, now in his twenties and as sophisticated as
the other men, sit in front of Philly’s desk.”

I’m confused who is now in their 20’s, and more to the point, WHY, in this part of the script? Wasn’t Ezra just 18 before? Why the change or age? Also, show don’t tell with the “sophistication” line.

“Ezra nods and takes an other drink.” Spelling error, and not specific enough. Does he pour himself a drink?

Up to page 31. I don’t think it’s good to kill of Sanders and the hot chick this early.
Again, problems with action lines. Bunny shoots into the bed, then seconds later, he isn’t even in the room at all and he doesn’t hear his buddy being shot in the face.

Then seconds later, Ezra is far away from Bunny, then half a second later, “Ezra turns” and is somehow right next to Bunny. Things like this, constantly, turn me off reading the script and I don’t think I can go on.

So my overall feeling is... dialogue is good, make us feel for the characters before you kill them off, clean up the action, because at the moment I think lots of what you want to happen on screen is still in your head, and not on the page, and it’s hard to read and understand.

Sorry I couldn’t go on with this, but it was a struggle. I hope others give you good advice.

T. Joe,

just finished your script.

I think you did good with this and should be proud for finishing in 7 weeks.  It is a bit short however as you know. I don't think you need to worry about that though because the basic story is there.  A young orphan kid grows up under rough conditions, ends up with the wrong type of people and becomes a great safe cracker. He almost gets killed, moves far away to New Orleans where he meets a girl and gets a good job. He wants to go straight, marry the girl and live a nice quiet life. His past catches up with him and he is forced to do one last job. He does and it ends with him proposing to the girl. Nothing earth shattering in that storyline, but it does work. What you have to do now is make this really good. What you have right now is a skeleton. It's a nice solid one, but you need to add some meat onto this. It is very thin at the moment. You even spaced a lot of the action lines way too much to add length. That doesn't work. I think this is only a true 60 page script. You need to add more meat to the story. It shouldn't be hard to do however. I think if you give this script a week or two to rest and then read comments you get from other readers and then reread it, I bet you'll see what I mean. The story moves way too fast. Stop and develop characters and situations and you might have a script much longer than you intended.

There were lots of typos throughout, but if you let the script sit for a bit, I bet you'll catch those as well.

I know this was short comments, but I honestly think you did a good job on the story, you just need to add onto it now. More conflict. More characterization.

Good luck with this one!

Pia  

T Joe, congrats on completing a 7WC script!  Also, congrats on completing a well written, well thought out, attention to detail, relatively clean script!  Well done, my friend!

Gangster, period pieces aren’t my cup of tea, but that’s no big deal. This was entertaining, and pretty well done throughout.

I took semi page by page notes as I went, so those should help with typos and the like.

IMO, this was very solid, and I’m surprised with the less than positive comments.  I’m shocked at Tommy’s inability to even finish, as I feel this is easily one of the better 7WC’s by a long shot.

There are some issues for sure, but nothing a 2nd and 3rd rewrite can’t take care of.

Let’s get into it…

I agree that your logline is flawed.  It doesn’t do this justice at all.  I’d rethink it, but loglines and I aren’t great friends so I can’t help there.

As Pia said, this is far too short, and as I said in my notes, you expanded this artificially by spacing out almost all your action lines, by using single lines.  I agree this is probably only 60-65 pages of screen time.  The end is the prime example.  It’s crazily short!  Feels like an OWC that had a page requirement, which is sad, cause this sure didn’t.

I like your characters…almost all of them!  Well developed, believable, realistic…I actually cared for them, and that’s rare for me.  I loved your attention to detail and how well you thought this out.  Very well done!  Writing was pretty good, and very good at times.  Although I disagree with Tommy’s criticism, I do agree that at times, you used “he” or “her” too often and it was a bit confusing.  Easy to clean up.

I think you definitely need a lot of SUPERS here.  They’d really help. Don’t be afraid of them!

Heavily weighted toward the front, which is an issue, only because the finale is so rushed.  This is a big script and should go 115 pages or so at least.  It covers many years and states. Use that and let us soak it in.

Ending, again, is the biggest issue. Just went WAY, WAY too fast. You had so much to write about it in it, and you breezed through it.  Left a bad taste in my mouth, but overall, I still liked it.  Take your time with it, and give the finale what it deserves.

Again, very solid effort for 7 weeks or so.  Not too Christmassy IMO, but that’s OK, you did hit several scenes well.  This could be really good. Do it the justice it deserves!

Nice job, T Joe!!!

Page by page notes  

Page 1 – I’d use a SUPER, as apposed to showing “1900’s” in the Slug.

Got to say I don’t like the opening V.O. at all.  It sure does set the tone here, but it’s not to my liking fro a Christmas script.

“on on such” – “on such a”

Page 2 – no ages given for 2 characters in a row.

“this” – “these”

Page 6 – Again, no reason to use the actual time period (1900’s) in your Slug.

Page 7 – No need for “TO CHICAGO” in your Slug.

General note – I’m not a big fan of suing 1 line action/description lines, as they inflate the length of the script.  It reads easy for sure, but that’s not the point, IMO.

Page 9 – Giving us the location in an action line doesn’t do anything (other than help us as readers).  IMO, it’s best to use an EXT Slug of the “area”, then go into wherever you’re headed.  Know what I’m saying?

Page 10 – I’d just use “Ezra, now 1” as apposed to older Ezra.  It’s something I actually brought up in a question awhile back, as it’s definitely a new actor now, but we’re not going to be calling him “older Ezra”, so I wouldn’t use it.

Page 13 – “Either you or not.” – Missing “do”

General note – I’d suggest using SUPERS as the years change.  It’s going to be much easier to follow, as in theory, your characters will look different as time passes. Just cleaner and easier over all.  Nothing wrong with using SUPERS, IMO.

Page 16 – “an other” – “another”

“There’s” – “There’re”

Page 19 – “It appears he hears a noise above him.” – Not well written.  You should have a noise OS and then have him react.  Show us, don’t tell us…you know the routine.

Page 21 – Great use of the POV!  This is how it’s supposed to be done.

Page 22 – “own” – “owe”

Page 28 – “H” “e” – obviously a space popped up here

Page 34 – “to” – “too”

Page 38 – Same deal with the Slug…you need to use SPUERS when the year changes.

General note – OK T Joe, this is very well written and put together so far.  Not really my cup of tea for sure, but it’s well done.  Problem is that we’re on Page 38 already, and based on what’s taken place, I’d say we’re only 25 pages deep if you were writing your prose in more complete passages (paragraphs).  The constant 1 liners are hugely inflating the script, and at only 85 pages in total, this is a big issue.  We’ll see how it goes from here on out.

“They do things that need to be done in order to off load the catch.” – Awkward and poorly written.  Need some details here, I’d say.

“The boys collect their pay from Paddy, who receives the pay envelope from LARRY SANDOSKY, mid forty’s.” – Also awkwardly phrased.

Page 43 – Is this a montage or a series of shots?

Page 48 – “to” – “too”

Page 52 – “from them” – “them from”

Page 58 – “Has been threating Larry Sandowsky as well?” – missing “he”, also should be “threatening”.

Page 59 – “Maybe we can figure out a way change that.” – missing “to”

Page 72 – OK, so now we’re back in Chicago, right?  You definitely need a SUPER here so we know this.

Page 74 – “…wasted…” – past tense!  Get this in the present tense!

Page 78 – “The” – “They”

“The Al Capone’s infamous vault.” – No need for “The” – it sounds really funny.

Page 79 – uh oh…only 6 more pages to go, and this story isn’t nearly finished, IMO.

“Fat Mobster fires again…” – I don’t think you said he fired before this…

Page 80 – “Stanley expires.” – Way too fast, IMO.  Almost nonchalant.

Page 81 – Fat Mobster’s name has changed to “Fat Gangster”

Everything’s happening too fast now.  Hunter dangling Chester over the balcony happens WAY too fast!

Page 82 - Just call him “Hunter”.  The “Mr. stuff” gets irritating.

Page 83 – Another SUPER needed here, so we know we’re back in New Orleans.

General note – looks like you either ran out of time, or just decided to end things abruptly.  Either way, it’s unfinished, and needs quite a bit more pages and details, IMO.

Hello T Joe,

I think you did extremely well with this and did justice to the time period and mobster kind of movies with the dialogue and setting that you arranged.

There were a few typos. No biggie. I noticed that there were quite a few Freds in this; so maybe change that.

Here:

>A sign reading ELDRIDGE DARCY, DIRECTOR is etched on a brass
plate, screwed into the wooden door.

*I would just go with

A brass plate on the door reads ELDRIDGE DARCY, DIRECTOR

*And buy yourself a line.

One of my favorite scenes was with the uptight mother and son in the shoe store. I felt that this was a clear depiction of his character going through changes.

It's weird though because I could swear I had seen this as a movie a long time ago as a kid. Maybe you were picking up on something buried in you memory files on a subconscious level.

But yes, to me it was a strong scene. As a matter of fact, the day-to-day of the shoe store felt like that kind of "normalcy" that one needs to have in the perception of a "good life". Here, Ezra has it for awhile and we're allowed to experience it along with him. These scenes at the shoe store are critical to the success of this piece in my mind.

Without them, this wouldn't be the same at all. His history, of course comes back to get him, and he has a real desire for revenge.

The way that Ezra was "built" due to his circumstances, basically being trained up to be what he is, is in my mind a very strong point in this for me. I'm not a big gangster movie fan, but it's these things that made it interesting for me.

I also enjoyed the scene where he was able to have a bit of fun with Gladys, or should I say, Gladys was able to have a bit of fun with him. Either way or both, this was very real to me here.

There are probably a few areas here and there where you can maybe be a little more clear with pointing out our location, but I see this script as a complete success even if the Christmas theme isn't really there so much. It doesn't bother me because I'm looking from the point of view of just completing the challenge. Not only did you do that, but you did a darn good job that you should be proud of.

Sandra

Thanks very much for all who took the time to read this script. I will admit that it was a bit of a daunting task, first coming up with an idea and then executing that idea into something that was remotely presentable.

Originally, the idea of Ezra Merriman was the backstory to another character, based on the idea of “Bootlegger’s Gold” buried in somebody’s basement. It was a screwball comedy with a likeable recluse, kind of like Jimmy Stewart’s Elwood P. Dowd.

That idea sat for a while and went nowhere.

The deadline looming like a looming a deadline, I decided to go with Ezra. I’ll admit I padded the length a little bit with the “very loose’’ setting on Final Draft and I was not as careful with the grammar, spelling and just plain logic as I should have been.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde This script probably could've been renamed "The Expendables". It seemed like you'd introduce a couple people then they'd die. So, we'd get a few more people. ...Think about keeping some characters alive a little bit longer. Lol.

I will.  I think having one of his old boys showing up later on in the story could be interesting, especially with his desire to move on to the straight and narrow.

Quoted from Grademan One thing you did very well was keep me guessing if Stanley was the man behind the shoe store shooting without Stanley actually revealing it.

Orignally, Stanley was going to behind it, then he wasn’t. Kind fumbled that up. In the next draft he will be.

I agree with the lack of tension in New Orleans. It does flatline. but I plan to add some Big conflict between Simon and Larry...I also think things with Lucy happen too smoothly...Maybe add a dickish fiancee to add to the mix...

Quoted from Brian M One thing I did notice was that we were only told through the montage that Ezra got a job in the shoe store. For me, this is a major plot point as it shows he was trying very hard to just be a normal person. I think you could throw a scene in here where he gets offered a job by Simon while he’s talking to Lucy. People may argue over it not being important enough but I do think it’s missing something like this.

Agreed. I’ll do that. It is a big step in his “re-careering”  (which I’m trying to do at the moment) and will help show that transition in his character and how he feels about his past “achievements”, so to speak.

Quoted from Stevie I though Lucy should've expressed more emotion at the death of her father. That whole scene at the hospital came over almost as comic given the circumstances..

Rushed that through a bit...Agreed, more tension, conflict and drama should be applied there...Need the audience wiping tears at this point...

Quoted from Stevie It was a fair stretch that Capone's stash wasn't guarded too heavily - a huge gun battle might be a possible alternate in a re-write?

This was mainly for the Christmas tie-in...The world does tend to stop at Christmas, and Capone, being relatively confident at the security of his safe, wouldn’t waste man power protecting it...Course, if someone tipped him off, THEN things could erupt in a big gun fight, maybe add an explosion or too...

Quoted from TommyP The “Mr” and “Mrs” gets annoying when it’s in the script so often. I suggest that when the characters have dialogue, just have their last name, without the title. The action lines are obviously different, but you have “Mr. Sanders” in some scenes, and then “Sanders” in others, so keep an eye out for that and make it all the same.

That is a problem. I’ll just use the last name to keep it simple.  Rushed through this pretty much and didn’t catch a lot of the logic problems that you mentioned.

Grammar isn’t my strongest point, and I am admittedly rusty on the Strunk & White.

I’ll work on it. Thanks for checking it out, though!

Quoted from Grandma Bear What you have to do now is make this really good. What you have right now is a skeleton. It's a nice solid one, but you need to add some meat onto this. It is very thin at the moment. You even spaced a lot of the action lines way too much to add length. That doesn't work. I think this is only a true 60 page script. You need to add more meat to the story. It shouldn't be hard to do however. I think if you give this script a week or two to rest and then read comments you get from other readers and then reread it, I bet you'll see what I mean..

Will do, am doing, and will go back to it shortly with fresh eyes and having digested all of the valuable insight from these thoughful comments...

Quoted from Dreamscale I agree that your logline is flawed.  It doesn’t do this justice at all.  I’d rethink it, but loglines and I aren’t great friends so I can’t help there.

My wife often complains that my titles and loglines are terrible. Got to practice some more and get better at this...

Quoted from Dreamscale   I agree this is probably only 60-65 pages of screen time.  The end is the prime example.  It’s crazily short!  Feels like an OWC that had a page requirement, which is sad, cause this sure didn’t

I agree the ending is too short. I ran out of time before running out of space, to be honest.

Quoted from Dreamscale Heavily weighted toward the front, which is an issue, only because the finale is so rushed.  This is a big script and should go 115 pages or so at least.  It covers many years and states. Use that and let us soak it in.

I will. Gonna let it stretch out and will make sure the end packs some wallop...Still have a challege writing endings, even in my shorts and OWC entrys this tends to be a problem. Need to study up on Third Act magic.   Excellent notes, by the way. Thank you very much, and I will make friends with SUPERS...

Quoted from Sandra Elstree It's weird though because I could swear I had seen this as a movie a long time ago as a kid. Maybe you were picking up on something buried in you memory files on a subconscious level.

Watched James Cagney’s The Public Enemy on Netflix several times to get some of the dialogue/period stuff...Did the have phones? What kind of cars? Weapons? etc...
The suit fitting scene was a nod to this, which I’m going to change...

I liked Gladys, especially in contrast to the ultra-moral and uptight Lucy....Hmmmm. Maybe I’ll keep her around for a while too.

Thanks again to everyone who took time out of thier busy lives to take a look at this. I will return the favor to the other entrys, which I look forward to reading.

Happy New Year!

Hi T. Joe,

Well, last of the 7WC scripts.  While this was a fresh take on the theme, the execution made the story itself seem pretty basic, but with some development I think you have something sweet on your hands here.  

Up until page 50 I didn't really know where this was going.  There were a lot of different characters coming in and out of scenes, many of which you gave full names to which I think just convoluted things up.  It really isn't necessary to give a first and last name to a guy that has one or two lines or fires a bullet.  And maybe it's just me, but even the guys folks who did play a key role, I couldn't really follow because I didn't feel there were given enough personality.  Larry, Sanders, Stanley, Paddy...honestly they were very two dimensional to me.

That leads me to the story overall; while the concept has been done, it's a good one and, well, you can really make old formulas work, that's not a problem.  The problem is that there needs to be more meat on these bones.  It's only 85 pages and this is really a condensed epic story you're telling here.  Expanding and bringing more to the table than what's already here will only benefit.  As I said, up until page 50 I didn't really know where this was going.  

There was an orphan, hung out with the wrong folk, turned to a life of crime, was good at what he did, and now he's gonna try to rob Capone...that's the story in a sentence and it sounds good but it needs to be told sooner.  I wish I could give you more but, really, that was my mindset up until that 50 page mark.   Also, I had trouble following the antagonist(s).  Capone was the underlying bad guy even though he was never shown, but outside of him there were a bunch of hitmen whose personalities didn't really go too deep.

Despite my qualms, I feel this script has a good concept, a good story, and maybe most of all, promise.  It just really needs to be fleshed out, so don't be shy about it.  Dialogue was good for the most part, atmosphere was there since this takes place 90-something years ago, and it had some clever humor(and you shouldn't be bashful of adding more).  Expand is pretty much the number one suggestion I can give you.  For packing a big story like this into only 85 pages and doing it in only 7 weeks deserves commendation, but I think you know what you need to do for a second draft and I truly hope you stick to it.

So, very nice creative take on the theme and I hope I was a little helpful.  If you have any questions or if anything wasn't clear, please feel free to let me know!

-Greg

Blakkwolfe...

Congrats on finishing the 7WC.  Not easy completing a feature in such a short time.  So my hats off too you.  First script I've read of yours.  Not going to harp on what's been said.  So I'll just give you my thoughts...

Going the gangster movie route was different.  I wished you had spent a little more time on letting us know how  Ezra got his safecracking abilities.  I thought Gladys was alright in this one.  I never got the sense that this would be a love connection between her and Ezra.  Just two people who needed each other at that moment.  I thought the scene was okay.

Flatfoot Charlie, funny description.

I would have liked to have known more about his Aunt in this one or atleast the interaction between her and Ezra.

I think this played out for the most part as you intended.  No big surprise when Ezra went to New Orleans, meets Lucy and to start a new live, when yep, Stanley would come calling.  

The hospital scene with Ezra and Lucy was touching.  Page#64... I thought this was a good line, "Trust me... If I have to storm the very gates of hell, we will have peace."

Your action was alright too.  Lots of killing.  A few slow moments but for the most part this was a very quick read.  If you ever go back and do the re-writes, definitely look at expanding this.  I feel there's just too much here to let it all end at 85 pages.

Anyway, good job with this for only 7 weeks.  

Ghostwriter  

To take into account what others have said, first i commend you on finishing a feature in seven weeks [applause]. Alright, I too did not get a sense that Gladys and Ezra were going to further develop a relationship. A one night fling doesn't equate to a sweetheart.

I liked the first 30 pages alot. The detail in your action was crisper and more showing in description instead of saying what it was like or looked liked.

When the story turns to New Orleans, the dialogue became less believable. I hardly think Ezra's vernacular would undergo that drastic to a change. It wasn't just him, everyone's speech was too straight too thorough. There was no hint of a southern drawl. There was something else about the way they spoke that felt out of place. Constantly, they would say things like "I can't believe I'm doing this" when what they are doing doesn't seem to be that big of a deal, and if it is, why is it such a big deal. That needs to be established more.

I felt mislead by the story. I was geared up for a pretty good gangsta story but after thirty pages it started turning into a love story. Nothing wrong with that, but it moved too quickly. Again, congrats on the seven week challenge. I hope you take this story further and develop more detail; look, action, character development, and character relationships more.

Thanks for the read,
~Brandon

Cool! Thanks Greg, Ghost and Brandon for taking a look at this;

I know things kind of slowed down in New Orleans, which is the point where I left my comfort zone of 15-30 pages. Tempted to throw in the towel a few times, but decided to press on and least get something on paper.

I purposely didn't show Capone, cause to me no one could have done him better than DeNiro did, and also felt that he would be scaryier as a boogie man. Besides, he would be home with his own family anyway, leaving the business with Frank Nitti or one of his other underbosses (whom I will incorporate- He needs to have a big show down at the end- face down his betrayer, so to speak...)

Agree also that the Aunt was pretty flat in terms of Character...I thought on the surface, she would welcome her nephew, but the reality is she did not need or want this kind of responsibilty in her life, and she somewhat resents it and demonstrates this by being cool and distant...Need to show this more (especially as she learns that he is a problem child...again, echoing back to the bootstrap scene in the Public Enemy)...Maybe she would blame herself for not being able (or willing) to effectively physically dicipline him....Hmmm.

Multiple "JOHN SMITH"  names are confusing, and I'm going to change that.

The dialogue? Again, I agree. I need to work on developing individual voices (an ongoing challenge, it appears) and no, I don't think I used the N'awlin's drawl to my best advantage (My wife is a native of New Orleans, so you'd think I'd have gotten it down by now)

I'd like to see this hit the 120 pg. mark. Full on, without cheating in Final Draft. I'm pleased to see that several reviewers see that level of potential in this story and these characters-the skeleton is there, now it just needs some blood, guts and plenty of vintage action...

I do tend to rush, especially with a deadline, however, NOW is the point that I, as an artist, should take the generous and sage advice I've been given and turn this thing into the absolute finest piece of work that I am capable of producing.

Thanks again, ya'll.

TJF