My Daddy's Santa Claus by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Comedy - Tommy makes a discovery that should lead to happiness, only for reality to kick in. 6 pages - pdf, format

I figured I'd give this a read. A few thoughts:

I'm not sure what you were going for, but this seems more like a sketch than a short film, especially considering the absurd ending. I'm not saying it's a bad ending, just absurd.

I think the kids are too young here, or rather Tommy doesn't "sound" like a 5 year old to me. I would buy 7 or 8, but not 5. Also in regard to age, stating that Jimmy is "5 & 1/2" is just pointless detail. How can the audience possibly see that he's 6 months older than Tommy? Just say he's 5 too and be done with it (if you insist on that age that is).

I like the line "That's poop crap". Had a chuckle on that one. Actually, that's the one line I believe coming from a 5 year old.

This a really short one so there's not a lot to say. I like the idea of kids discussing the existence of Santa, I think you could milk that conversation more. And the twist at the end is fun too, without being too sentimental and sappy.

Overall, a good effort.

~Pete

Thanks for the read Pete, much appreciated.

I drew inspiration from a stand up comedian who thought his dad was santa claus when a classmate told him when he was 5.

I'll raise the age as another writer mentioned that to me. The 5 1/2 thing, that isn't to be taken seriously as i know that can't be filmed.  I'll have to give a thought to that santa discussion and see if I can milk it some more.

Happy that youj thought it was good.

Cheers

Javier

Hi Javier,

I agree with Pete's comment- I'd up the ages of the kids a bit, 7 seems ideal really.

I was really enjoying this short right until the ending. Didn't work for me at all, but other than that, pretty good stuff.

I can just imagine what would go through a child's mind if their little bubble was burst like that, and I think there could have been more material regarding the Santa/Dad scenario (such as Tommy bribing candy and pocket money from his school friends otherwise he'll tell his dad they've been naughty and won't get any presents etc).

Craig

Cheers for your thoughts Craig, much appreciated.

The original ending just had Tommy saying his dialogue and that's it.  I added some more as I wasn't happy and I'm still not 100% on the ending, but if I can work out a better ending I will.

Cheers,


Javier