A Father's Forgiveness by Rico Alago - Short - Here is the story of a man and his young child who lived in Lake City, GA and how their lives have been changed by the newly developed road. 9 pages - doc, format

Hi Rico,
I thought I'd give this a  read because it's quite short.
First off, it's better to avoid putting action within the dialogue and I wasn't sure why some of the action lines were in caps.

I liked the setting and characters but thought some of the dialogue needed a tweak, as some didn't sound real. Also, since Victor was worried about Alex playing in the road, it might be better if his initial reaction was more stern, rather than a smile, which sends a mixed message - that way there is more foreshadowing for what comes later and the forivenessness means more.

The story was well described, in particular some of the action scenes, but was also quite predictible.

That said, I liked the characters of charlie and Victor with their shared loss and enjoyed the read.

best,

h

Hi Rico,

I promised I'd give you feedback on this, so here goes:

Overall, you have a nice little story here.  There are a few grammatical errors, but not enough to detract from the story itself.  If you intend to have this script produced by someone other than yourself, I'd recommend tightening it up a bit with correct screenplay formatting, spelling and grammar.  If you intend to produce this short yourself (and I know you're very capable of that), I think you have a perfectly functional script.  It was a smooth read, believable characters and as another user mentioned, very good description.  You seem to have a knack for telling stories and I know you have a passion for film.  Keep writing.  Good job!

Barry

Thanks for taking the time and for your comments.

No action within the dialogue. - Sounds logical.

Action lines in caps.  - That was just my way of separating the action from the dialodue. It doesn't have to be that way.

"some of the dialogue needed a tweak, as some didn't sound real." - I'll have to work on this.

a stern reaction will work for me also.

action scenes predictable - I'll have to give some thought to make it less predictable.

Grammar - Oops!

Thanks again!  I'll work on it some more and re-post revision.

Rico

OK.
I have posted Revision#2.  This new version explains the way the woman dies.  Also changed her name, as my daughter didn't like Lisa.  Revised all of the action verbage.

Thanks all for your comments.

Rico

Ok, I just read it and there are a few more TWEAKS that need to be tended to for this to work.
First, you have a nice style of writing. But it does tend to be a bit on  the nose. Formal would be another way to describe it. Try working the language a bit to make it sound more natural.

DROP THE CAMERA ANGLES-PERIOD. No need - JUST FILLER.

There is no need to CAPITALIZE  your action lines. It's like your yelling at me.

You don't need : behind the names - such as VICTOR:

Don't put your parenthetical with the name. Such as  ALEX - LOOKING AT VICTOR:

Instead try:

ALEX
(looking at Victor)

Also - describe who your people are. I mean who is VICTOR, who is ALEX? what do they look like? before you bring them on to the scene, give them a little bit of character for use to get a feel for.

Also - GET A SCRIPT WRITING PROGRAM. WORD is not a good format. if you cannot afford one, it can be downloaded for free on some site such as CELTIX.COM.

AND BY ALL MEANS - FADE IN and  FADE OUT.

Take care and I hopr this helps.

Shawn.....><

Great comments. Thanks.

I'm working on revision #4.
All of your comments have been taken into account.  
Thank you so much.

Rico

Revision #4 is posted.

Thanks all for your comments.  We go into production in February.