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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Jack Frost & The Hair Dryer Treatment Moderators: bert
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  Author    Jack Frost & The Hair Dryer Treatment  (currently 865 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: December 29th, 2009, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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Jack Frost & The Hair Dryer Treatment by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Comedy - Jack Frost is out to spoil Christmas, but can Snowlady save Snowman and save the day? - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  December 29th, 2009, 12:36pm
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alffy
Posted: December 29th, 2009, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Javier, this is a strange one.

It's kinda cold, no pun intended, but a weird truth about it.  A snowman can be made again, I like that.  

Not sure what/who Jack frost his as you didn't really introduce him, I'm guessing he's a snowman too.  There were a few instances when you included 'then', which is past tense, but other than that I never noticed any mistakes.

Anyway, this was a nice little read, especially for this time of year.


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screenrider
Posted: December 29th, 2009, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Jayrex,

This story was cuter than a box of kittens.  
Spotted a few blips...

Page 1) The snowís falling thick and fast, Ted and Helene canít see
each other except each otherís snowmen. <---who's Helene? I think you mean Jill.

Page 2)He sits up sheepishly<---I don't know why you chose the word sheepishly.
Seems strange.

EXT. JILLíS HOUSE - GARDEN
(no description here)???

Page 3) JACK FROST comes out from hiding behind a hedge. He runs
over to Snowman who sees takes a swing at him-  <---is there a word missing here?

Jack starts to cackle like and old witch, <--- Seems wrong.  Need something more dramatic.  Maybe  Jack laughs maniacally... just a suggestion.    

Page 4) Ted lounges at another present ...should be lunges.

Overall, it's a nice PG rated story for the kids.  Good job.
Best regards.
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ajr
Posted: December 29th, 2009, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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jayrex,

Screenrider spotted all the blips that I did.  I would add one more - when you switch to INT. JILL'S BEDROOM, the description is written as if the camera is outside by the snowlady, rather than with Jill giving her POV, so to speak.

As for the short, I think it's too short?  I would spend more time developing the characters and the snow people, and especially Jack Frost.  Maybe go to him once or twice before he attacks Freddy (maybe as a shadow, or ominous figure).

And I would linger at the ending, when snowlady and snowman "become one"...

Otherwise, cute premise -

AJR


http://pro.imdb.com/title/tt2179059/ click here to visit GRAND AVENUE'S IMDB page
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jayrex
Posted: December 29th, 2009, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Alffy, much appreciated.


Quoted from alffy
Javier, this is a strange one.

It's kinda cold, no pun intended, but a weird truth about it.  A snowman can be made again, I like that.  

Not sure what/who Jack frost his as you didn't really introduce him, I'm guessing he's a snowman too.  There were a few instances when you included 'then', which is past tense, but other than that I never noticed any mistakes.

Anyway, this was a nice little read, especially for this time of year.


Thanks for the points on 'then' which have been removed, and the Jack Frost intro which I've created making Jack made of ice.

This was based on a poem I wrote last year:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-poetry/m-1222279228/

which in turn was based on:



So this pic is where all the inspiration came from.

Happy that you liked it.

Cheers,


Javier


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jayrex
Posted: December 29th, 2009, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Screenwriter & AJR, much appreciated.

Screenwriter,

I've amended my script accordingly and have fixed those points you've brought up.

Oops on the Helene part, I wrote a Helen character in the other Christmas script and had to change it.

For the EXT. JILL'S HOUSE - GARDEN slug I didn't think it was necessary to write any description as nothing was going on apart from some chitchat, but I threw a line in there to make everyone happy.

AJR,

I disagree on the INT. JILL'S BEDROOM slug as I have purposely written the text so that the camera looks outside from within the bedroom.  I've described Snowlady but we'll be seeing that from Jill's POV, didn't think I'd have to write POV.

I do like your two become one idea, although I think this might be a bit much for a child and one idea that would just go over there heads.  Maybe one for the parents.  If anyone is interested in this short I'll mention it but won't write it in.

Cheers for the read, happy that this script worked for you both.

Screenwriter, if you have anything up that you haven't had removed that you'd like another opinion on, let me know or add it to your signature.


Javier


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rendevous
Posted: December 29th, 2009, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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The thing with shorts is you know you'll get a lot of views, and a lot of comments. That's one of the reasons I do them. But the real thing of them is to write a complete story within it that really doesn't need expansion and would probably ruin it if attempted.

Technically it's pretty good. I can tell you put some time and effort in, and that is always good.

Easy enough to follow. Odd lapse into past tense, the odd typo and minor grammar stuff. See my recent posts for my take on 'and' usage. Bit to much tell and not enough show in parts.

An example - I think JF needed a lot more description. I know who that is but I've no idea what he should look like. And I've definitely no real idea what you think he should look like. A bit of shorthand is fair enough in short scripts but I think you missed out there.

I think it's a nice little Christmas story. Well told. Not sure how you'd film it. Maybe animation would be the way to go. Either way enjoyable and a lotta fun for me.

R


Latest scripts...

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Blood Group


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jayrex
Posted: December 30th, 2009, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your review RV, much appreciated.

The pesky 'and' word.  Yeah, if I can do without that word I'd be happy.  I'll figure that out one day.

JF has had many descriptions over the years.  I've tried to keep it short for this one.  Didn't want to go over-the-top from head-to-toe, so to speak.  I'll review this again.

Animation is a good idea, but props and costumes might also?

Cheers for the read,


JT


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tonkatough
Posted: December 31st, 2009, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Say what? I thought Jack Frost was a cute little singing and dancing snow man, not the evil ice version of Jack the Pumpkin King. Oh wait, maybe I'm thinking about Frosty.

I really enjoyed this. what a cool idea where a creature of the night stalks and destroys children's snowmen.

I'm not sure how a water pistol would made a differnece, but I do like your line at the end where Ted mourns the lose of his Snowman by making another snowman. That one line made me laugh and contradicted your whole story about fear of having snowman killed by Jack monster and arming the snowman to protect it from death. Very funny.



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jayrex
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Glenn,

Thanks for the read.

I like the ending as it's quirky and not typical.

Happy that you enjoyed this short of mine.

Cheers,


Javier


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