And Her Name Is? by Arch L. Drinnen - Short - David Welch's love life is about to change when he can't remember his girlfriends name. 12 pages - pdf, format

Arch,

I have to be honest - I didn't get this at all.

Your premise is that David forgets the woman's name, and in his mind he's then subjected to torture over it. Yet David says to the woman "you know that it's been over for a long time."  The question I have then is how can David have gone out with this woman for a long time and still not know her name?

You also don't explain why he passes out. And the "dream" seems out of place with the story, as if it's more of an homage to the "Saw" movies than it is a real psychological inquiry.

Also, there are issues with your word use; I believe that every single time you meant to use "you're" you typed "your"; the same thing with "to" and "too".  And I consider myself a fairly literate person and I had to look up the word "nictitate"; it's not an everyday descriptor. It's kind of like using the word "promulgate" instead of "announce".

Lastly, in your first narrative, you cannot capture a breeze blanketing a parking lot on film. Say something instead like "the trees on the parking islands sway lightly in the breeze".

Sorry I couldn't be more positive, but if the audience doesn't buy into the premise they can't fully enjoy your story. If you re-work this, try to concentrate more on the "why's" in the piece and incorporate it into the dialogue.

AJR

Arch, I have to echo what ajr said above. And I know that this is not the first draft of this script you have posted here, so considering how much time you have put into it there really are far too many mistakes. If you want to be a writer it is important that you at least learn how to spell.

I can see a few changes from your prvious draft, but esentially the story is the same and that is the problem. Your premise really doesn't make any sense to me and is so far-fetched that I can't buy into the story. The whole idea that there would be a psychotic game show over forgetting someone's name is pretty bizarre. Most of the dialogue feels pretty off and overall it just doesn't really work IMO.

If you continue to persist with it I'd suggest starting from scratch and coming up with a better premise as to why any of this is even taking place.

Cheers,
Tim.