End of Days by Simon Lewis (niles crane) - Short, Drama - An elderly man faces the end of the world as he knows it with only his cat for company. 18 pages - pdf, format

Ok, Simon, I'll be the first to tackle this one.

Overall, I liked the story. As with most stories, the middle was the weakest, but it started really good and ended really good. Basically, it was slow from when the Hazmat guys showed up to the end of the PM's speech. I really liked the last third, though.

However, there were a few problems, for me.

**SPOILERS**

A) What the hell caused it? I mean, it says biological, but what did it do? Radiation poisoning, zombies, what? I mean, everyone was gone, but if he could survive there, it wasn't likely to have been radioactive.

B) Not really anything wrong with the story, but it seemed like the guy was going to find something when he searched in the end. You kind of ended it before we could get an ending. But, that's probably just me.

**END SPOILERS**

Notes:

Big paragraphs of dialogue.
Lots of "ing", but that doesn't bother me like it bothers some people. Switching between present and past.

Page 3

its. (Instead of it's)
into or out. (Sounds better as in or out)

Page 6

What am I going to do. (Should be question mark)

Page 10

Government's. (No apostrophe)
it's peak. (No apostrophe)
instructions appears. (No "S" on either of the two. Doesn't matter which)

Page 14

you Mom. (Your)

Page 15

Logline: 2 hyphens. (Not sure why, unless it was going to be a specific part of the house you referred to)

Page 18

begins to walks. (No "S" on walk)

Hope this'll be helpful to you and good luck. =)

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS!

Thanks Sean

It does say in the script that it is a virus (it is referred to an a influenza outbreak), and there's mention of the Russian Government denying it is a genetically engineered virus that has escaped by accident.

For me the "why" was unimportant. In this kind of story that is often the reason behind the story - the why. I just wanted to tell the story of a little old man on the edges of the end of the world.

As to the end - again, this is exactly how I intended it to end. The old man walking into the distance. It does not matter if he never returns, or finds other survivors - this is the point at which I wished to end the story, and did so. Again, I was seeking to avoid the tendencies of some stories to focus on the big picture - I just wanted to tell the little man's story for once!

Thanks again for the feedback.

Quoted from Niles_Crane THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS! Thanks Sean It does say in the script that it is a virus (it is referred to an a influenza outbreak), and there's mention of the Russian Government denying it is a genetically engineered virus that has escaped by accident. For me the "why" was unimportant. In this kind of story that is often the reason behind the story - the why. I just wanted to tell the story of a little old man on the edges of the end of the world. As to the end - again, this is exactly how I intended it to end. The old man walking into the distance. It does not matter if he never returns, or finds other survivors - this is the point at which I wished to end the story, and did so. Again, I was seeking to avoid the tendencies of some stories to focus on the big picture - I just wanted to tell the little man's story for once! Thanks again for the feedback.

Works for me, so long as it's how you wanted. And, yeah, I read that about the flu virus, but I wasn't sure what it did, why no one was there. But, that's ok. You know, you could probably try to series-ize this. Have different points of view from many different people. Could be interesting. =)

Hey Simon,

Wow, I thought this was excellent.  Consider my heart strings tugged.  

Anyway, there were a couple of typos (apologies for not making notes of them as I got pulled into the story) but I'm sure you'll catch up with them.

Not much to point out really.  

Bottom Page 9 -10 the acting PM speech.  I thought the speech was well written, and I realize the real PM has died, but I couldn't help but think that this guy was holding the same seat as Winston Churchill and their respective approaches to calamity couldn't have been more different.  I realize that this guy was trying to be honest with the people, but like Frank said, I think we would all prefer to be lied to in that situation.  I think most governments would lie actually and no one would fault them.  Anyway, I guess I respect the honesty, but would have liked a little more fire and brimstone from the PM there.

P. 15 "He checks the use by dates on them, and leaves the jars, stuffing the tins into a bag he produces from his coat pocket."  I may be misunderstanding, but does he put the jars back because the expiration date has passed?  If so, I dunno, I feel like he might still go ahead and take the chance since he is more or less starving.  Not a big deal, just one of those things that caught my eye.

I thought the ending was terrific.  Sad and sweet at the same time.  def my kind of story, and I'm a dog man myself.  Anyway, good luck.

Craig

Hi Niles,

I checked this out after a recommendation from Craiger6, and I have to say that I got a great deal from it - The emotion in this piece is pretty much overwhelming at times, and I think you did really well to have such a complete and well rounded tale in so few pages.

As I read it, I couldn't help but visualise it as an animated piece -I really couldn't get Raymond Briggs' 'When the wind blows' out of my head. I don't know why, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't help but imagine it this way.

A really accomplished piece of work you have here. I did notice a few typos (He goes and opens the back down and stands there. Pg 13 for example), but I see Mr Blonde pointed out the majority of them. Not too sure about the bold font used in it, but that's a pretty minor point.

All in all, excellent stuff. I'm really glad I gave it a whirl.

Craig

Niles,

Again with the emotion.

Fast becoming your signature and very good it is too. Like Craig, it did remind me of When The Wind Blows. However, I would by far prefer this with real acters and not Animation.

I didn't really agree with Sean on the pacing in the middle. These kind of pieces have a tendancy to set their own pace and for me the tempo was about right. As was the unresolved ending.

Keep them coming.

Thanks Craig and Craig and Malcolm, your comments are much appreciated.

Quoted from craig cooper-flintstone As I read it, I couldn't help but visualise it as an animated piece -I really couldn't get Raymond Briggs' 'When the wind blows' out of my head. I don't know why, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't help but imagine it this way.

This is exactly what I had in mind when I came up with the idea, actually - though I couldn't remember the name of it! It is one reason why I decided to avoid having both the old man's wife survive longer than she did, as it would have been far too similar!

The PM's speech - I was thinking of John Major's speech at the start of the first Gult War, if anyone can remember that! I wanted to convey that the situation had become so obviously desperate that to say anything but the truth would have been pointless. He does pop in the "scientists are working on a cure" bit though to offer some hope.

Anyway, thanks again for the comments. As always, much appreciated.

Hi Simon,

Well, this definitely gave off the sense of dread and doom without the use of special effects or destruction, so it appeals as a low budget short subject for a filmmaker and I can see this even expanding to a feature.  That said, I would have liked to have some answers as to what was going on in this world.  

*Why was it the end of days?  I know the virus was going around, but as far as I could tell it would kill people in a short period of time and that's it.  No zombies, no destruction, no firey corpses falling from the sky; just people dying in their beds.  I'm not sure that's the best way for the free world to completely collapse.
*I'm also not sure about the states closing their borders(can they even do that?).  With all the chaos going on, to close the borders of every state would take far too much time, energy, and money, which I don't think there was much left of.
*Also not too big on Frank kicking Mister Cat.
*It looks like everyone in Frank's neighborhood bit the bullet with this virus, but why didn't he?  He's getting up there in age, his wife presumably caught it, so why didn't he?

This read fast and was well written.  As I said, you do a great job of getting across that sense of dread and you really feel Frank's isolation and loneliness.  However, I think for the collapse of the finer countries of the world, there needs to be a little more explanation.  As it stands, at least from what I took away from it, is that it's a bit too ambiguous for my own good.  Dialogue was great, some may not dig the TV reports but I thought they were fine and served as a character themselves.  Frank and Mister Cat were well done.

Overall I did enjoy it, but I would have liked to have some more answers.  

-Greg

EDIT: I just saw your response to identical questions that were asked, so if that was your intent then obviously you pulled it off.  For my taste, though, I would have liked the info.  But that's just me.

This really doesn't have a story.  There is no progression of a plot based on the actions of the main character; it's merely a chain of happenstances: his wife dies, the government is dissolved, he looks for food.  Granted, those re pretty extreme happenstances, but there's no central theme, no point made.  I was thinking that he was going to end up eating his cat, i.e. that relationships change drastically in drastic situations, but since he just wanders off instead, I was left merely puzzled as to what this was all about.  

Additionally, most of the dialogue is unnecessary; I would cut huge chunks of it.  About half of it is unnecessary expository soliloquys from the main character and the other half is overly long, unnecessary, expository reports from the news.  You could get by with a LOT less.  We've all seen plague-wiping-out-the-world sort of disaster movies; we are up to speed with what's going on a lot faster than you think.  As for the main character, I think a lot more can be said and understood with silence rather than dialogue (not to mention just being more believable).

The reviewer above me said he didn't like Frank's kicking Mister Cat (which is a great name for a cat, btw), but to me it felt like one of the only "real" moments of the piece.  It feels very real, and conveys the point I mentioned earlier that people do things in extreme situations that they wouldn't otherwise do.

Thanks for the read and taking the time to comment.

Please let me know if/when you have a script posted on SS as I will return the favour.

Simon, thought I'd bump this back up into the portal for ya. Definitely could use more reads and feedback.

I see in your previous posts that you've said the explanations of the virus spread was not your aim for the story. But, you spend huge paragraphs of dialogue teasing it to us by the media and acting PM. Then you leave us hanging, like you threw us out a bone that was gonna be explained later, but was forgotten.

Maybe take a more "War of The Worlds" appraoch to this. Have him cutoff from most media and outside world earlier on. Give him a little and leave him and us wondering what's going on.

Didn't like kicking the cat. He could of just slammed something down and scared him off. You want your audience to feel for this guy.

I also had a problem with the Hazmat guys setting his wife ablaze. He obviously loved her. Wouldn't have minded seeing him run out there and stop them to say "I'll do it". Then he has a moment to speak to her before dowsing her with petrol.

Great idea though. Kept me interested from start to finish. Coupla of typos but I didn't pay attention. I think this is good, but could be great with some proper attention. Good luck to ya man...

James