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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Blackridge Waters Moderators: bert
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  Author    Blackridge Waters  (currently 2237 views)
Don
Posted: January 8th, 2010, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blackridge Waters by Brandon Matthis (qwerty90221) - Horror - A young woman and her oddball new friend must save their family and friends from a malevolent creature. 101 pages - pdf, format


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qwerty90221
Posted: January 9th, 2010, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Don, thank you for posting the script. It's my first feature so I'm looking forward to any reviews I can receive here.


Coming Soon:

Cabin 13 - Horror
Let Me Tell You How I Died - Horror|Mystery
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: January 11th, 2010, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Brandon I'm already 30 pages into this should have something up for you later today.

And congrats on finishing you're first feature.


BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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qwerty90221
Posted: January 11th, 2010, 7:57am Report to Moderator
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Busy Little Bee, thanks for giving it a chance. I'm looking forward to your feedback.


Coming Soon:

Cabin 13 - Horror
Let Me Tell You How I Died - Horror|Mystery
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 11th, 2010, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Brandon, thought I'd give this a read.  Got through Page 19, and that's where I'm going to stop, sorry to say.

Your intro scene takes up 19 pages...about 1/5 of your entire script.  That's way, way too long.  The reason it runs so long is based on how you're writing this.  Check out how many "wasted" sentences there are throughout.  What I mean by this is throwaway lines that don't need to be in here.  It's way overwritten with details that don't matter.

It's also filled with asides, which is a huge pet peeve of mine.  They're just a complete waste and they get so annoying, especially when you keep using the same ones over and over.

The intro itself is so dull and clichéd, and just completely unrealistic.  No reason for the 3 of these people to go camping together.  You mention an avalanche...where in the Hell is this supposed to be?  You've got to be up in the mountains.  Dialogue doesn’t come off as realistic at all.  Writing is rather weak overall.

You say they had to walk a mile or so to get to the campsite...first of all, why?  They have an RV which they could easily sleep and cook in.  At the campsite, all of a sudden, they've got a cooler full of beer.  Where'd that come from?  Not easy to carry a packed cooler for a mile.

Wish I had some positive news, but I don't.  I can see exactly how this will play out, and I can also see how the writing is going to be.  Hard to imagine it will change drastically (for the better), based on the first 20 pages.

Sorry to be harsh, but it's the truth, and I hope this helps.

Best to you.
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: January 11th, 2010, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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First, thing that jumps out at me, and this maybe more on the technical side of structure, but still, is the great use of white space. You have a lot of white space on your pages, and because you don’t get verbose in your sentences, many descriptions don’t surpass the four-sentence mark, it makes for a quick read, always a plus.


I’m certain that even though your main characters don’t appear to page 20 and it’s suppose to be 1 page per minute I’m sure it won’t be that long, you’re use of white space makes it seem longer than it actually is.


On the not so positive, I noticed that you tend to add tid bits of information rather than finding that particular verb, string of actions or scene that would express what you want to get across on screen. On screen being the objective here. You’re early description of our Nathan family comes with description that we’d only see through action or dialogue. This is a problem I see many complain about, I personal think it’s OK long as it’s not a reoccurring theme. Some others chalk it up as actor notes.


“Lisa looks up – did she hear something? She looks toward Alan… than toward the back…”

“Jess flashes him a cheesy smile. Told you so. Alan looks…”

One could argue that, ‘told you so.’ Is an expression capable of being expressed. My concern is that you may be doing it too much.

“Lisa glares at her. Warning her.”

A glare is more intense than a stare.

‘Jess spins on instinct. Did she see something? She eyes every inch of the woods. Nothing in sight?’

I will be looking to see if these characteristics described in your description, something we can’t see based solely on that description alone.

JOHN NATHAN, handsome but hard-ass if need to be. How quick will we see that he’s hard-ass.

Molly Nathan, One of the nicest people to meet.

Alex, she has a rebellious streak to her. Will she or a family member mention something of her past that would back up this claim?

And more importantly will any of these traits play a role in how the character reacts, which creates plot.

These are the things I’m going to keep an eye out for as I read the rest of the script, I’m only on page 40, so that leaves plenty of room. When I’ve finished the script in it entirety I’ll comment about the story, actual story, as a whole.


BLB




Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: January 11th, 2010, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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I just read what Dreamscale said, and heed his warnings. While I do like your use of white space, it puts an even more importance on writing only what’s vital to the script and you are missing that. But I plan on finishing this up to give you full review. I mean it’s your first script right. It’s a learning process.

BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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qwerty90221
Posted: January 12th, 2010, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Dreamscale for giving it a chance. It was a little harsh but completely honest which is what I asked for.


Quoted Text
Your intro scene takes up 19 pages...about 1/5 of your entire script.  That's way, way too long.  The reason it runs so long is based on how you're writing this.  Check out how many "wasted" sentences there are throughout. It's way overwritten with details that don't matter.


I was "iffy on the length of the opening as well. While I was going over it, I knew the length would be one of the complaints. It's the first thing I'm going to change. I'm so used to writing prose but I'm working on that.

I'm too keen on the opening so I'm going to change it during revisions. I'll probably start revising the script this weekend.


Quoted Text
You say they had to walk a mile or so to get to the campsite...first of all, why?  They have an RV which they could easily sleep and cook in.  At the campsite, all of a sudden, they've got a cooler full of beer.  Where'd that come from?  Not easy to carry a packed cooler for a mile.


The RV had a little trouble so the trio decided to walk the rest of the way. The cooler was one of those small portable kinds.


Quoted Text
  You mention an avalanche...where in the Hell is this supposed to be?  You've got to be up in the mountains.


The area was somewhere close to the mountains. That line was added while I was going over the script but I'm going to cut that one out as well.


Quoted Text

I can see exactly how this will play out, and I can also see how the writing is going to be.  Hard to imagine it will change drastically (for the better), based on the first 20 pages.


I was hoping you'd finish it but I guess I can see why you didn't. Thanks again for reading it. Your review was helpful.




Coming Soon:

Cabin 13 - Horror
Let Me Tell You How I Died - Horror|Mystery
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qwerty90221
Posted: January 12th, 2010, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
You have a lot of white space on your pages, and because you don’t get verbose in your sentences, many descriptions don’t surpass the four-sentence mark, it makes for a quick read, always a plus.


Thanks.


Quoted Text
On the not so positive, I noticed that you tend to add tid bits of information rather than finding that particular verb, string of actions or scene that would express what you want to get across on screen.


I tried not to do that but I kept thinking that the sentences would seem kind of "bare" if that makes any sense.


Quoted Text
“Lisa looks up – did she hear something? She looks toward Alan… than toward the back…”

“Jess flashes him a cheesy smile. Told you so. Alan looks…”

One could argue that, ‘told you so.’ Is an expression capable of being expressed. My concern is that you may be doing it too much.

“Lisa glares at her. Warning her.”

A glare is more intense than a stare.


I agree that I kind of overdid that. I'll change that as well.


Quoted Text
I will be looking to see if these characteristics described in your description, something we can’t see based solely on that description alone.

JOHN NATHAN, handsome but hard-A** if need to be. How quick will we see that he’s hard-A**.

Molly Nathan, One of the nicest people to meet.

Alex, she has a rebellious streak to her. Will she or a family member mention something of her past that would back up this claim?

And more importantly will any of these traits play a role in how the character reacts, which creates plot.


I'm going to work more on having the characters and their reactions fit the descriptions. Especially Alex as I personally think that I didn't show enough, if any, of her rebellious side.

Thanks, Busy Little Bee for reading it. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your feedback.


Coming Soon:

Cabin 13 - Horror
Let Me Tell You How I Died - Horror|Mystery
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 12th, 2010, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Brandon, the last 2 quotes you included in your post from Bee, are what i was referring to as "asides".  Asides are a form of "unfilmables", and they're a complete waste of space and also annoy many readers.

Here's a quick example of an unfilmable...

"JOHN, 17, walks up to MARY, 16, who just had sex with Martin, John's best friend."

There's no way anyone would know that Mary just had sex with Martin, unless you showed it in a FLASHBACK, or the like.

If you then added the line, "Boy is he going to be pissed when he finds out.", that would be an example of an aside, a "cute" or "clever" little line the writer throws in for his own enjoyment.

A good test for an unfilmable is to think about "seeing" the scene and writing down exactly what you saw.  If you were in a Screenwriting Class, and your Professor showed you a 1 minute snippet, and you were to write a 1 page screenplay to coincide with what you just watched, you hopefully wouldn't include any unfilmables.  Same goes with writing an actual script of your own.

Now, don't get me wrong.  You'll find unfilmables and asides in lots of scripts...lots of Pro scripts, even.  It doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.  They don't add anything other than extra, wasted space.

See what I'm saying?

Sorry I didn't finish your script.  I did brouse through it and found tons and tons of wasted stuff...long passages about an adoption and otehr stuff that doesn't seem to have anything at all to do with your script.  I think if you took out all the wasted stuff and the like, your actual script would be at least 15-20 pages shorter than it is now, and that most likley means that you actually need alot more meat on these bones.

Hope this helps.  Keep at it!
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qwerty90221
Posted: January 17th, 2010, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for making that clear for me. I can see how that gets annoying and I'll make sure to take those out.


Quoted Text
long passages about an adoption and other stuff that doesn't seem to have anything at all to do with your script.


The adoption storyline refers to a small scene that was originally supposed to be the opening of the script.  It also explains Alex's nightmares. The alternate opening will be re-inserted back into the new draft.

There are some extra things I want to touch up on. Including a little more development for John and Molly.




Coming Soon:

Cabin 13 - Horror
Let Me Tell You How I Died - Horror|Mystery
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qwerty90221
Posted: February 17th, 2010, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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I've finished the second draft. I'm just waiting for the script submissions to open again. I've changed the opening, extended and added a few things (including the ending).


Coming Soon:

Cabin 13 - Horror
Let Me Tell You How I Died - Horror|Mystery
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