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Unless your filming this yourself, I'd lose all the camera angles. You don't need them. Better way to get this across. FADE FROM BLACK, you don't need that. You also don't need to let us know everything the characters does. I'd split up several bulky paragraphs and tighten up the writing. Lots of passive verbiage for a four page short and redundancies.
I'm not going to give away the spoiler but I have to say, normally something like this piece, I'd have to read twice ... but I figured out earlier on what you're trying to do here.
Maybe you tried to be to clever here, IMO.
Check on the use of (wrylies) okay?
These really need to be action lines, page#3 "tears start to stream from her eyes again and she becomes frustrated."
Formatting technicalities aside, this was rather decent. I could see there was a twist coming but honestly never copped it until the end, which is usually the case with me so I would declare it a success until more have read it and posted their reactions. The dialogue was strong and the way Natalie's increasingly intimate gestures became apparent provided some good erotic tension...until the reveal of course.
It definitely needs a rewrite to clean up some of the errors as you'll find a lot of people will struggle to get past them, see them as too distracting and whatnot which will in turn bring down their opinions of the actual story. Which is a shame but thats how it is. Put your best foot forward by ensuring the script looks right so that won't be the focus of the reader's comments. Hopefully, your storytelling ability will take care of the rest.
I think Ghostwriter covered most of the formatting issues so there is no point in I repeating them. Below are just a few notes I took while reading:
It's not good practice to put a wryly at the end of dialogue, it should interspersed within the words. If a character does something after they stop talking, include it in the action
No need to capitalise "SOMEONE" in the dialogue, its ill fitting and slightly misleading. It sounds as if she is supposed to be shouting it. If you want to place emphasis on a word usually underlining is the chosen method but even that I'm not a big fan of. It’s really a style thing.
NATALIE I once overheard someone say that it was choice - not chance, that determines our destiny.
-- I know this is the character talking and it may or may not be your own personal feelings but I respectfully and wholeheartedly disagree with Natalie on this one. Just my opinion thats all.
NATALIE There were some good times right? Great times! You should think about them, not dwell on what could have been.
-- Maybe it’s just me, but that seems like the worst possible advice you could give someone in this situation. Correct me if I have misread but Natalie is basically telling Kathy to only think about the good times she and her old lover had. Would that not make the break-up all the more tougher? Remembering the qualities of the individual who, on the basis of the story so far, has dumped her, not the other way around.
I'd be saying; focus on the bad sh?t, girl. He's a prick, a cu?t, whatever. You're waaay better off without him, etc.
Edit: Naturally, after reading the piece, this line makes perfect sense.
NATALIE True love is like ghosts. Everyone talks about it, but only a few ever experience it.
-- I don't mean to be a smarta?s but this sounds like a classic hallmark moment, something you'd hear in "The C C of B B". In other words, a tad on the cheddar side.
Not a bad job here, as I said a rewrite would go a long way to improving it.
Hey guys, thanks a lot for the feedback - it is very much appreciated.
As you can probably tell, I'm a huge novice at the script writing game and was a little unsure about posting here as I knew the formatting would be way off the mark and I wasn't even sure if there was anything worthehile in there.
I'm very much glad I did though and both of your comments make perfect sense and I'll be hopefully bashing out another version within the next days, having taken everything on board. I think I might purchase a book telling me the do's and don't's of script formatting firstly though...
Thanks for the postiveness and I'm glad you didn't spot the twist coming Col! And ghostwriter, yes I do plan on filiming this myself, as soon as I can afford a Canon 5D!
Like Ghostwriter said, take out the camera angles. You only capitalize the character's name when they are being first introduced in the script. Sometimes your descriptions get too wordy try to condense it to under 4 lines and keep it as simple as possible.
As for the story, I could predict where it was going from the beginning. The subtle descriptions of Natalie touching Katy gave it away (also the title). I'm jealous that you get to film this yourself, make sure to send a copy our way. To be honest, it felt like the opening to a lesbian porn scene. Friend comforting another, using her moment of weakness to seduce her into hot lesbian love-making. I agree with colkurtz, that some of the lines are too cheesy.
For your first script, it's a good job. The formatting is good for the most part and the writing is where it needs to be at. Look forward to seeing your future works.
Like others have said, there are SO MANY problems going on here. Alot more than were mentioned even. As far as I'm concerned, there really isn't a twist at all, and what we did learn (which wasn't much) was pretty obvious. I'm surprised Col was surprised.
2 biggest issues, in terms of story are as follow...
There's really no story here at all. Nothing happens, nothing gets resolved. It's 4 pages of dialogue that really doesn't say much of anything.
Secondly, and probably more important even is that there is almost ZERO action. You have 2 characters sitting in an ugly, boring apartment, with nothing happening around them, talking. Picture the actual filmed version...2 characters talking...that's it. Nothing taking place around them. Nothing to look at that's remotely interesting.
That kind of sums up my feelings on this. I realize it's your first script, and we've all got to start somewhere, so you've taken that leap...Good job! Now, either fix this up and add some story and action, or move onto something else that has story, action, and interesting characters and settings.
Sorry to be harsh, but it's all meant to help. Best of luck to you in your future endeavors.
Hey, Great job getting started on your very first script. For that, WELL DONE.
Remember one thing about this site - It is here to help you.
Dreamscale and the others have nailed this and given you good advice. You have a scene here. Nothing else.
Remember the basics - show, don't tell.
You have a very ambitious writing style and that will serve you well if you harness and bridge what is in your head and what you put on paper. So many times that is exactly what confounds most of us. What we see in our heads and the reasoning behind why others cannot see our words the way we wrote them.
not much more to add here. this was a well written script for it being your first (minus the whole camera angle issue). i was able to follow it easily and your descriptions were clearly defined. i could picture the entire script being played out to a t.
however, as dreamscale mentioned, there really isnt much here. it kinda comes across as a film student who wanted to make a short where he got two women to kiss. when people describe your short as the opening to a porn film, thats really not a good sign.
so start a fresh new script, make the characters interesting and before writing it, ask yourself why are you writing and what do you want your audience to take away from the script? are you writing to simply entertain or to inform? that always helps me and i think it makes my work a lot more focused.
the dialogue was also cheesy at times and kinda dragged on for me.
anyways just my thoughts. great first script and keep up with the spectacular descriptions. the fact that your script was easy to follow (and that you can write a script like that on your first try) shows great potential
Dialogue ran on for WAY too long. We get it after the first exchange.
However, you do have really nice tension here. We're on the edge of our seats, waiting for some girl-on-girl action (I'm saying this as a straight female, btw). However, once you give it to us, it's over!!! They're just like, kthxbye! What gives???? Why are you depriving us of further complications resulting from this kiss???? First of all, Kathy gives in WAY too fast (the "I love you" comes outta nowhere).
What point are you trying to make, and how can you illustrate that point with an explosive ending???
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