One Last Story by Craig Ramirez (craiger6) - Short - When his wife leaves him for another man, a semi-retired screenwriter turns first to a psychiatrist and then the bottle.  Ultimately, after neither helps him cope, he realizes that more drastic measures are needed. 10 pages - pdf, format

Hi Craig,

Another great short you've got under your belt.

A lovely little story with an unexpected ending that really doesn't overdo anything or overstay its welcome.

It reads a lot better than the previous version that you e-mailed me, and it was interesting to see that it was inspired by a song.

Keep 'em coming, buddy. You have three shorts to be proud of now, looking forward to number 4!

All the best,

Craig

Quite lovely. Irving is a great character and I enjoyed this read very much.
Only one thing that seemed to glare was the mention in dialogue of Terminal A twice....wasn't sure why that was.

Best,

h

Hey Craig,

Thanks again for the pre-read and the tips.  Much appreciated.  Glad you enjoyed it.

Hi Harriet,

Thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it.  

Yeah, the "Terminal A" twice was my attempt to make the announcer sound as though he was making the anouncement twice.  I can see where it might read confusing though.  I may just stike the second one.  Thanks for the tip, and please let me know if I can return the read.

Thanks,
Craig

Hi Craig,

Thanks a lot for reviewing mine. I'll try to look at some of your stuff.

1. I thought this was really well written. I particularly like how short your sentences are in dialogue. Keeps the thing moving - I really like the style

2. It didn't grip me as much as the writing style merited. I thought about why this was so. It may be because so much of this is exposition. You have the long voice over sequences. They're lit up with some nice visual touches, but they're still voice overs. Then you have the section in the doctor's office - again, this is a medium for exposition as he tells the doctor his thoughts. It seems almost like this would be better suited to a short story than a screenplay. I think if you're going to keep it as a screenplay you might want to rethink the way you tell the story - have more action, have more going on outside the guy's head

3. I didn't understand where the upbeat ending came from. Before that we had heavy hints of suicide and a seemingly unmitigatedly depressed outlook. Then suddenly he boldly strikes out for a new life. Maybe there were hints and I missed them, but I think you need to do more to set up and explain this change in outlook

4. Small detail, but at the end he seems to be going back to being a writer as well as to his family. Given the title and the fact he talks about the finite amount of stories we all carry around, maybe he could decide to do something completely different. Going back to my point 3, maybe it would be easier to believe if instead of completely changing his mind he just reconciled himself to the fact he doesn't have any stories left?

You have a such a great writing style that I think revisions to the way you tell this story (less exposition, more explanation of the key dramatic shift) could give you a real gem.

Jamie

Hey Craig, came across this and saw all the positive feedback, so I thought I’d give it a read and a quick edit for ya.

Can’t say that I enjoyed this like the others did.  I didn’t hate it, but in terms of a screenplay, it really leaves a lot to be desired.

Biggest issue is the amount of V.O.’s with nothing happening onscreen, as well as big dialogue  exchanges, again, with nothing happening onscreen.  This may “read” OK, but it’s not going to play out well in a visual medium.

Also, have to agree with the last reviewer about the sudden change at the end.  Sure, it comes off as a nice twist, but it seems to be the kind of twist that is intentionally set up to be a twist.  Why is Irving carrying a gun around?  Think about it…that’s not a good thing at all, and makes his character kind of creepy, actually.  Being depressed or upset with someone is understandable, but buying a gun and considering using it in a public setting is a problem…anyway you look at it.

I took page by page notes.  I hope they don’t seem to harsh or nit picky. They’re just meant to help, and I hope they do. Take care, man!

Page by page notes

Page 1 – Opening Slug is confusing.  Are we in someone’s home, or is it a “home office”, as in a company?  If it’s someone’s home, which I think it is, why not just use “JOE SMITH’S HOUSE – OFFICE”.  Would be much cleaner and easier to follow.

“An old man (early 70’s) wearing a stained T-shirt and pajama pants sits motionless behind an unkempt desk. His hair is mussed and his face unshaven. This is IRVING WASSERMAN.” – Lots of issues here in the very first passage. You need to use all CAPS when you first intro a character, but if you intro them without a name, as you have here, you need to CAP “old man”, or at least “man”, which you didn’t.  I always recommend introing a character with his name immediately.  There’s really no reason not to, and it’s cleaner, easier, and saves space.  You’re also missing a comma after “pants”.  You used 3 full lines here, and it could have easily been done in about 1 ½.

Why am I making such a big deal out of this?  Well, it’s the very beginning of the script, and it’s not a good way to start off.

Comma after “desk”.

What’s taking place onscreen during that long V.O.?

Comma after “slacks” and “muffin”.

General note – Seems like you’re playing wardrobe director here so far, as you’ve given us very detailed descriptions of 2 different outfits that Irving has worn.  Not sure this stuff comes into play, but we’ll see.

Page 2 – Comma after “amount”

General note – Wow, there’s an awful lot of V.O. going on already.  Long stints with nothing really taking place onscreen, which is a big problem, IMO.

Page 3 – “Across from him in a leather chair is DOCTOR PAIGE (35), handsome and earnest looking in a professional way.”  This is rather awkward, IMO.  Also missing comma after “chair”.

General note – The dialogue exchange between Irving and Dr. Paige goes on almost 4 full pages, and absolutely nothing takes place onscreen.  I mean, they’re just sitting in a room, looking at each other.  The dialogue isn’t interesting or funny enough to maintain nothing happening for this long.  You’ve got to bring something into this scene to make it possibly work onscreen.

Page 6 – Comma after “wall”

Comma after “percolate”

Page 7 – “A MOTHER and CHILD walk by when the little girl drops her doll.” – Awkward!  The use of “when” doesn’t make sense or work here.

Comma between “it” and “Bub”

Comma after “side”

“you hair” – Not sure if this is a purposeful incorrect usage because Giuseppe speaks this way or not.  Obviously, it should be “your”.  Also not sure what relevance this commercial or this Giuseppe guy have.  It’s also formatted oddly, with “COMMERCIAL” being a character speaking, which isn’t correct.  I’d do it with an action line saying, “On TV”, and then in the dialogue box, it would be “GIUSEPPE FRANCO”, since he’s the one actually speaking.

Page 8 – You’ve got “Terminal A” twice in a row for some reason.

Ah, you’ve dressed Irving again.  It’s now safe to say that what he’s been wearing has nothing to do with your story.  It’s not your job to dress your characters unless it comes into play somehow, or is relevant to the story.

You have the exact same Slug twice in a row, only the 2nd one has “CONTINUOUS” as apposed to “DAY”.  This is a mistake.

Comma after “crowd”

General note – You don’t want to be using actual numbers in your text.  You’ve done this a lot.  It’s one thing to use actual numbers for an exact time, or even the caliber of a revolver, but you can’t use them for distances or the like.  You need to spell it out.

“Irving stares at his ex-wife’s back for a few moments.” – I can’t imagine that you really mean that you want to show this going on for a “few moments”, do you?  If not, and I highly doubt it, you should lose this or reword it so it makes sense.

Page 9 – Comma after “him”

You’ve got the same Slug here again!  3 times in a row, which makes zero sense.  This needs to be addressed.

POV – One of my biggest pet peeves…incorrect usage of a POV.  Think about what a POV is and does.  It’s as if we’re looking through who or whatever’s eyes and see exactly what they would, from their angle, which isn’t usually the perfect angles and shots we get in film.  So, what is this POV doing? How would we know it’s a POV if we were watching it onscreen?  We wouldn’t.  It’s unnecessary here.  Also, in a POV, you only want to write what is being seen through the POV.  Make sense?

Now you have Dr. Paige sit at his desk and read a long letter.  Again, nothing is happening onscreen.  This stuff needs to be rethought.

Comma after “left”

Hey Jamie,

Thanks for the read.

Yeah I see where you are coming from re: the exposition and the VO's.  

With regard to the ending, I thought about having Irving do something to himself or to the wife, but in the end I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I guess I sorta felt bad for the old guy and decided to send him out on a good note.  

You make an interesting point in #4.  Will take it under advisement.  Thanks again for the read.

Hey Dreamscale,

So you're saying you liked it???  Haha - no worries man.  I appreciate the read and the effort it took to make notes.  Seems as though i've dropped my fair share of commas on this one.

With regard to the story, I was sort of going for a somber, sad vibe, but I understand where you are coming from re: the VO's and the lack of action.  

Also when you mention that I went on for 4 pages with Dr. Paige just sitting and talking I realized that I had broken one of the cardinal rules of a book I recently read.  

With regard to the use of the numbers, I was under the impression that this was the proper format.  Thanks for pointing that out.

Anyway, thanks again for the tips and taking the time.  

Craig

Craig,

I'm afraid my sentiments basically mirror that of Dreamscale's.

The V.O was well-written and you found a distinctive voice, but like DS said, there's not much happening on screen.  Visually, this wouldn't be interesting to watch.

I will say this: you did throw me with the ending.  I really thought he was going to use the gun.  But that didn't really save the piece for me.

Overall, I think you need to find a new focus with this short.  Lessen the VO and give the story and actions more substance.

Craig,

Just read your script and really enjoyed it. It's nice to see a happy ending for once.  From a creative standpoint, I wouldn't change a thing. But that's just me.

Well done.

P.S - I'd really like to see this as a Machinima.

Hey Dressel,

Thanks for taking the time to give it a read, and I appreciate the critique.  I hear what you (Dreamscale and JamieR) are saying about the use of V.O. and how it might play on screen.  

One of the reasons that the use of V.O. appealed to me in thisinstance was because this was really the story about a lonely, old man who spends most of the day within his own head trying to work through his issues.  

I've been tinkering around with ways to improve it, but unfortunately, I think I may have hit a dead end with this one.  At least for the time being anyway.  Again, thanks for taking the time.

Hey Screenrider,

Thanks for the read and the kind words.  Much appreciated.

Yeah, to be honest, I almost went for the sadder/darker ending, but in the end I didn't want old Irving to go out that way so I sent him off to keep on keeping on.  Anyway, thanks again for the read man.

P.S. I'm still trying to figure out what a machinima is exactly.  Are they partial to V.O.'s???

CR

You basically have a lot of talk and description here with no story.  Think about adding more conflict and tension, putting more at stake.  As it is, I couldn't tell you what any of those things are in this.  I guess he's considering suicide, but that's not an objective.  What does he want??  What does he do to get it??  What will happen if he fails??  

Moreover, the voiceover was mostly unnecessary (save the James Patterson comment, which was pretty funny).  For GREAT recent examples of voiceover that add more to the story than exposition, check out Precious and The Informant.

Hi Craig,

I thought I'd return the read.

I did read another one of yours, too, about the serial killer, but everyone else had pretty much covered everything so I figured I'd read another and see if there was anything different I could bring to the table in comments.

Dreamscale covered most of it, but I do have more to add.

If it seems like I'm being picky, I'm not trying to be, just bringing this stuff to your attention, and trying to help. There are many different ways you could go with this short script. It's almost there, just needs a little Oomph.

Okay, here goes:

stair case should be staircase
snot nosed should be snot-nosed

If you take out the first V.O. we would still know that he is a struggling writer by what he does. If you want the V.O.s spice them up. Maybe he blames his ex for not being able to write. That could come out in the V.O. if he called her out of her name.

Your scene
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
The kitchen is drab, but otherwise neat and well kept.

This is redudant. You could just write: Drab, but otherwise neat and well kept.

You have:

IRVING
You know a man of my age really...

DOCTOR PAIGE
Have you been able to write any?

IRVING (V.O.)
I hate being interrupted.

should be

IRVING
You know a man of my age really --

DOCTOR PAIGE
-- Have you been able to write any?

and to give some tension to the scene why don't you just have Irving say out loud
that he hates to be interrupted?

Irving is too nice the way he is.

You showed Annie at the train station. I didn't know who she was. I mean Irving talks about his ex, but I never saw her. Maybe if he had a photo of her that he looked at a lot.

And why is he meeting her there anyway?

I think that is what this story is missing. He is still in love with her! He's so in love with her that she is all he thinks of, and why he can't write.

Maybe the relationship she is in with someone else has ended, and she wants another chance with him. That would be your twist, that he goes to meet her, but decides he can't be with her, that what he really needs is a change of scenery, and a fresh start.

Anyway, I hope that I might have helped. Let me know if you do a rewrite.

Cindy

Hi Craig,

At first I felt the script kinda dragged at times, but the ending gave me surprises and saved the script.

I think there is a lot of tightening that you can do. For example, the HALLWAY scene on the first page can be taken out. I don't think it's that important to show us the picture of Irving kissing a beautiful woman. The BUS scenes are redundant to the TRAIN DEPOT scene later on. Both scenes basically said the same thing about Irving likes to watch people to get writing inspiration.

Those few scenes can be removed to push the doctor interview up. The scene with Dr. Paige, in my opinion, is far more interesting and engaging than the previous ones.

I didn't understand the purpose of the TV commercial. But I like how you put the .38 revolver as a red herring. I was fully expected Irving to commit suicide. Thank god you went a different way.

With that said, I loved those scenes in the train depot. Irving not responding to Annie was nicely done: he didn't care about her anymore and moved on. He producing a train ticket was a surprise to me as well. Good visual ending with Irving on the train.

The dialogue sound quite natural and it was a breeze to read through them. But one more nitpick is maybe you can tighten up the V.O. Writing is pretty good, spotted a few typos though.

Overall, I enjoyed it. This could be very good if the pacing is faster in the beginning.


Herman

Craig

I liked your first two shorts "The Loss of Fear " and "The Final Pawn" so I said I'd check this out.

And I'm glad I did. As before, I like your writing style, your slow build up and layered characters. They’re might not be a whole lot going on here in terms of action on screen, dramatic set pieces or dense plot but its more then compensated in the dialogue, emotion, honest characters and those things left unsaid.

A lot of time this is what I respond to in a film as opposed to some mile a minute hi-octane filled ride. As I heard a film critic say when referring favourably to a low budget indie film, "My favourite scenes are ones where the characters are simply walking around talking to one another" a pretty basic pre-requisite for good cinema but I know what he means and completely agree with him. Of course they have to have something to talk about buts the primal, verbal squaring off of two or more personalities that grips me more then any giant ship sinking’s or planet implosions.

Anyway I digress, back to your script, what I liked about it was the simplicity of it. A strong central character in Irving, very genuine and empathetic. I felt sorry for him without ever wanting to scream "shut up and quit moaning", he really sounded like a man going through the motions in the twilight years of his life. That unspecified dissatisfaction he feels about his life and how little he has to show for it now that the days are numbered. I think you struck a good balance there without tipping him into the cantankerous old wretch category.

I didn't mind the V.O so much either, I thought it complimented what was happening on screen, the whole idea of how writers typically like to observe people and draw inspiration from that. The stripped down, almost voyeuristic at times journey of watching Irving go about (what we are led to believe) are the last days of his now shrivelled up, joyless life while he watches others was a nice theme-within-a-theme device. As that’s what we predominately do for the duration of the script, observe him with fingers crossed that he won’t do the unthinkable…well at least I did but that all depends on whether the reader invests in the protagonist or not, I did, others won’t and that’s what makes or breaks a script like this.

I even got to thinking that when he goes out west to reunite with his children and hopefully pen a new work, that he himself could become the main character in it and what he’s going through now may provide the germ for the story.

Also, I felt the shrink scenes were tastefully subtle, no big epiphany or cheesy catharsis experienced by the protagonist. Stock phrases were kept to a minimum, I've never had to resort to dedicating 50 minutes of my week to explore my psyche but man, do we see a lot of it on TV to have some inkling about what goes on in those sessions. Irving's interaction with Doctor Paige were refreshingly low key and again came off real and natural.

I wondered why you specifically showed Irving do two (rather obvious) acts of altruism during the voiceovers. Firstly, giving the old black lady his bus-stop seat and then helping her on to the bus. And secondly, having him pick up the kid's doll when she drops it. Was this to make us really sympathise with him and be on his side? If so, its too "placed" or "directed", if you know what I mean, you could probably cut one as I like the idea of him being totally detached from those around him, completely isolated and cut off, a mere spectator if you will.

My other issue (not necessarily a criticism) with the story is that we only see one perspective, we only hear things from Irving's point of view. As I said, not a problem, this is your choice but I can't help wondering is he as much the victim as he's made out to be over the course of the 10 pages. Annie is not painted in a good light to say the least but what do we know about her bar what's come out of Irving's mouth? Who knows, maybe he drove her into the arms of this younger man. And given Irving's sedated, disinterested state (he does say he stopped writing before she left him) maybe he was the problem and principally to blame for the break-up of his marriage and gradually his life entire.

Really dug the ending, with the early placing of the gun, I figured you wouldn't play to our expectations and end with an inevitable suicide, that would've been too predictable. I guessed you would subvert things and you did and I loved what you done with it, very uplifting, almost feel good without getting too fuzzy. A to-the-point succinct letter to his doctor telling us all we need to know and no more, plus no dialogue between him and the confused ex-wife, letting visuals and character do all the talking. Yep, nicely done, sir.

Ok, enough gushing, its clear I enjoyed this, it’s my kind of script. But what instantly endeared me to this before we got into the nuts and bolts of the story was Irving's opening speech about the validity of a screenwriter assuming the handle of "writer". First off, I wouldn't consider myself anything but I do firmly believe that screenwriters should always be referred to with the "screen" prefix as stated. I too believe that a true writer is a novelist, that to me is a whole different discipline, a much more purer form of the term then someone writing screenplays. Just my opinion but I'm completely on board with old Irving here.

I remember reading an article about Guillermo Arriaga (Amores Perros, 21 Grams, Babel, Three Burials and The Burning Plain) one of my favourite screenwriter's complaining how in his native Mexico his profession is diminished and undermined by what their referred to in the media. I forget the term now but it basically translates to something along the lines of “pamphlet writer”. Which of course, is very disparaging but my point was that he wanted to be called just writers, which needless to say I didn't agree with, even for someone of his calibre. The Mexican film community should really come up with some equivalent title like screenwriter.

Anyway, I'm waffling as usual, great work on the script.

Col.

Hi Cindy, Herman, and Col.,

Thanks for taking the time to read this one.  I apologize for not getting back sooner, but yesterday was a long day for me.  Some very interesting tips here.  Thanks for that.  

Cindy:

“I thought I'd return the read.”

No need to feel obligated.  I really enjoyed “Damned Yankee”, but thanks.

“If you take out the first V.O. we would still know that he is a struggling writer by what he does. If you want the V.O.s spice them up. Maybe he blames his ex for not being able to write. That could come out in the V.O. if he called her out of her name.”

It didn’t take me long to realize that I was in dangerous V.O. territory, and that this would be hit or miss for some people.  I kind of like how it reads, but I agree with you that it can still be spiced up a bit.

“should be

IRVING
You know a man of my age really --

DOCTOR PAIGE
-- Have you been able to write any?

and to give some tension to the scene why don't you just have Irving say out loud
that he hates to be interrupted?”

Duly noted.  Thanks.

“Irving is too nice the way he is.”

Ha, yeah he’s definitely a nice guy.  I suppose making him a bit of a jerk would help to spice this up a bit, but what can I say, somtimes the nice guy finishes last, and other times he refrains from blowing his wife away at the train depot.  I just kind of ended up liking the guy as he was when I was writing.  But, I see your point.

“You showed Annie at the train station. I didn't know who she was. I mean Irving talks about his ex, but I never saw her. Maybe if he had a photo of her that he looked at a lot.”

I tried to address this early on when I have Irving walk down a hallway with pictures hanging.  There is one with a woman and Irving, and this was supposed to be Annie.  But I certainly didn’t make that clear.  My bad.

“And why is he meeting her there anyway?

I think that is what this story is missing. He is still in love with her! He's so in love with her that she is all he thinks of, and why he can't write. “

Agreed.  This was never really discussed, and would definitely add another layer.

“Anyway, I hope that I might have helped. Let me know if you do a rewrite.”

I hadn’t read this one in a while, and didn’t have any plans to re-write, but who knows.  I’ll let you know.  Thanks again for the read.

Herman:

“At first I felt the script kinda dragged at times, but the ending gave me surprises and saved the script.”

I’m glad the ending worked for you.  I think it’s kind of a hit or miss thing for most people.  And you are right, the consensus seems to be that it does drag in the beginning.

“I don't think it's that important to show us the picture of Irving kissing a beautiful woman.”

I would keep this only because, as I mentioned above, the woman was supposed to be Annie, but I failed to properly execute that.

“The BUS scenes are redundant to the TRAIN DEPOT scene later on. Both scenes basically said the same thing about Irving likes to watch people to get writing inspiration.”

Would agree with you here though.

“I didn't understand the purpose of the TV commercial.”

Haha.  Yeah totally useless and has no bearing on the story.  It was an inside joke (apparently only for myself).   So these Giuseppe Franco commercials used to play ad nauseum here in the NYC area during Mets games.  I mean literally every half inning this commercial would play.  Check it out; it’s chock full of comedic gold - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nDiGqloDSY.  It has been seared into my subconscious ever since, and it came out in this story.  No need though.  I will probably cut it if I ever re-write this.

“Overall, I enjoyed it. This could be very good if the pacing is faster in the beginning.”

Agreed, and as you said, it could certainly be tightened up in spots.  Thanks again for the read, Herman.

Col.:

Hey Col., I’m glad that you enjoyed this one.  As always, I appreciate your taking the time.

“They’re might not be a whole lot going on here in terms of action on screen, dramatic set pieces or dense plot but its more then compensated in the dialogue, emotion, honest characters and those things left unsaid.”

Yeah, the more I think about it, depending upon the types of films one generally likes, this just isn’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea.  I also realize that I’m not nearly skilled enough a writer to change someone’s perspective, so it kind of is what it is.  While I enjoy a good shoot em’ up flick as much as the next guy, like you I also don’t mind a more laid back film.

“Of course they have to have something to talk about buts the primal, verbal squaring off of two or more personalities that grips me more then any giant ship sinking’s or planet implosions.”

Therein lies the rub.

“A strong central character in Irving, very genuine and empathetic.”

Thanks, glad you enjoyed Irving.  This was actually based on a country western song (yes, it’s fair to say that I may be the only Puerto Rican, born in Staten Island, that likes Country music, but I digress) and I toyed with the idea of changing the ending to something darker.  That said, I just kind of liked the old guy and didn’t want to send him out that way.

“As that’s what we predominately do for the duration of the script, observe him with fingers crossed that he won’t do the unthinkable…well at least I did but that all depends on whether the reader invests in the protagonist or not, I did, others won’t and that’s what makes or breaks a script like this.”

Yeah, I think you summed it up very nicely here.   You sure you didn’t write this, cause we are simpatico right now.  Haha.

“we see a lot of it (shrink sessions) on TV to have some inkling about what goes on in those sessions.”

Glad this worked for you, because it was a concern.  I don’t think you can watch a shrink scene on TV or in the movies now, and not compare it to “The Sopranos”.  And of course, that will be very difficult, if not impossible, to match.

“Was this to make us really sympathise with him and be on his side? If so, its too "placed" or "directed", if you know what I mean, you could probably cut one as I like the idea of him being totally detached from those around him, completely isolated and cut off, a mere spectator if you will.”

Yes, this was done essentially just to show that he’s a good dude.  I see what you are saying, and yes I would probably cut one.  Thanks.

“Annie is not painted in a good light to say the least but what do we know about her bar what's come out of Irving's mouth? Who knows, maybe he drove her into the arms of this younger man.”

Another good point, and I think Cindy alluded to this above as well.  I think you are right, that you only get one side of the story, and as we know, there are always two.  I think this had more to do with brevity than anything else.  There is probably more that can be minded from their relationship, and it should probably be explored more fully.

“Really dug the ending…”

Glad it worked for you.  As I said, I toyed with changing it, but I also liked this outcome better, even if it’s a bit cheesy.

“But what instantly endeared me to this before we got into the nuts and bolts of the story was Irving's opening speech about the validity of a screenwriter assuming the handle of "writer".”

When I first wrote it, I was worried that some might take a little offense to it.  I don’t think it’s a big deal, but I would tend to agree with you (obviously).  I mean, I can barely write a 10 page screenplay, but there is absolutely no way I could ever write a book.  It just seems really…daunting.  This isn’t to say that screenwriting isn’t a skill (and a difficult one at that), but it’s just different than “traditional” writing.  Then again, I wouldn’t have the guts to tell a really successful screenwriter that he isn’t a writer.  Haha.

Okay, well I have to admit that right now I feel more narcissistic than LeBron James, because I spent way to long talking about my little “project”.   That said, I just wanted to take the time to address some of your points, as an acknowledgment of my appreciation.  

Thanks, again.

Craig