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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Clique Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 10th, 2010, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Clique by Craig Cooper-Flintstone - Short - Two beautiful women are trapped inside their house by the unspoken evil that lurks outside. 12 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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konishdutta
Posted: January 10th, 2010, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Craig,

SPOILERS:

I enjoyed the script. I originally thought they were talking about zombies, but as the script wore on and there were no other hints about the zombies other than the dialogue, I thought that there had to be a twist ending.

I know you were going for the twist, but would it be more powerful to intercut between the girls and the paparazzi in a way so that what they're saying is being shown?

Right now, the script is full of dialogue and lacks action. I think it would be cool if the girls were talking about the paparazzi in a zombie-like manner and then we cut to the paparazzi acting like zombies in someway... so that the dialogue relates to something.

The problem with twist endings is that there is no replay value. Once you know the trick, then that's it. But if you let the audience know who's outside from the very beginning, then you can play with suspense.

Of course, you would have to restructure your story and add more of an arc to your script, but its only a suggestion. Otherwise, very enjoyable read!

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konishdutta  -  January 10th, 2010, 3:08pm
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: January 10th, 2010, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Konishdutta,

Cheers for the read, and I'm glad you got something out of it.

As to your suggestions, I don't really think the story would work if the reader was aware of the presence keeping them in the house. I sort of know what your saying, but I think it would take away the essence of the story.

BTW, is there any chance you can edit your feedback and the word SPOILERS before giving away the twist... thanks in advance.

Craig


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konishdutta
Posted: January 10th, 2010, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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I put the Spoilers in. I respect that you think it would take away from the essence. There are probably even better ideas on how to improve the script, but I haven't thought enough about it. It was just the first thing that popped in my mind. I am excited to read other suggestions.
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: January 10th, 2010, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Konishdutta,

Thanks for adding the spoilers, it's easily forgotten.

I'm always happy to hear feedback and suggestions, and, as I said previously- I understand what you mean, but if the reader was aware of the whole situation, the story wouldn't really have a satisfying ending (in my eyes anyway).

Really glad you enjoyed it though, and I noticed you'd also read emergency service. I feel a read is owed- is there anything you like me to take a look at, or shall I wait until the newer version of your script 'fiber' is up?

Craig


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konishdutta
Posted: January 10th, 2010, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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I resubmitted "Fiber" through simplyscripts.com's submit form and added the note about it being a revision, so it should be up soon.

Thanks,
Konish
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alffy
Posted: January 11th, 2010, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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Howdy Craig

I wish I could knock out scripts as quick as you lol.

Your first slug is missing INT.

Typo on page 5, 'Katy take a huge drag on her cigarette.' Should be 'takes'.

SPOILERS!!



Well this started and I thought maybe monsters or zombies were outside then I changed my mind and thought she'd maybe won the lottery or something, so I never guessed the ending.

Pretty good effort, and real easy to film too.  The dialogue between Katy and Nicki was good throughout.  The only real negative for me was that it runs a little long for what story there is, although I do wonder if your page setup is right, the spacing seems a bit out to me.

Good stuff.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: January 11th, 2010, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Afternoon squire,


Quoted from alffy
Your first slug is missing INT. Typo on page 5, 'Katy take a huge drag on her cigarette.' Should be 'takes'.


Good call on the typos. I always manage to miss some, no matter how many times I read through!



Quoted from alffy
Pretty good effort, and real easy to film too.  The dialogue between Katy and Nicki was good throughout.


Cheers Alffy, glad you thought the dialogue was good- it really matters in a dialogue driven piece!


Quoted from alffy
  The only real negative for me was that it runs a little long for what story there is, although I do wonder if your page setup is right, the spacing seems a bit out to me.


I had meddled around with the formatting options after reading a thread on here that stated an extra space should be added after slugs and between dialogue and action. I thought it seemed a little too 'white' as well. Maybe I'll revert back to how I used to do 'em!


Quoted from alffy
Good stuff.


Thankyou matey, thanks for the read.

Craig


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Craiger6
Posted: January 11th, 2010, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Hey Craig,

Nice job on this one.  I thought it was a terrific concept and thought you did a very nice job of executing.  As we discussed, it was more difficult than you initially expected considering that it involved just two woman in a house.  Keeping the audience invested and curious about what was going on outside was tough.

That said, I think you definetly pulled it off, and it works for me.  Also, as Alffy points out, should be relatively easy to get shot.  Good luck my friend, and look forward to reading more.

Craig


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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: January 11th, 2010, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi C6


Quoted from Craiger6
Nice job on this one.  I thought it was a terrific concept and thought you did a very nice job of executing.


Cheers buddy, thanks for the vote of confidence!



Quoted from C6
As we discussed, it was more difficult than you initially expected considering that it involved just two woman in a house.  Keeping the audience invested and curious about what was going on outside was tough.


Yeah, it was pretty difficult- I stumbled quite a few times trying to get it sorted.


Quoted from C6
I think you definetly pulled it off, and it works for me.  Also, as Alffy points out, should be relatively easy to get shot.  Good luck my friend, and look forward to reading more.


I'm glad you thought so- I'm gonna do something a little more straightforward next time.

Cheers again, and thanks for the advice.


Craig


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Thornton
Posted: January 28th, 2010, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Here's my review - hope it's useful.

I thought it was extremely well written incorporating all of my favourites: good structure, smooth flow, tight and believable dialogue, appropriate character development.

But most of all.....an interesting concept that grabbed me and made me feel satisfied that I had read a good short with a neat twist. So well done.

The Negative

SPOILER

Unfortunately, I saw the twist from a long way off. I recognise there's always a chance of this happening with different readers, but I don't think you did enough to hide it from me. I don't actually agree with your first reviewer.....for me it's the twist that makes the story so giving it away would degrade the viewer's overall experience. However, I do agree that you need to work on your development of the Paparazzi. A few lines that develop the viewer's impression of a sinister presence outside the house will pretty much do it, I reckon. The lines where you talk about them climbing on the garage roof is a good example of this. There simply needs to be more of this and I think you could be more creative about it. A poor example perhaps, but if they've been outside the house, waiting for hours/days surely their eyes would show an extreme level of tiredness. Could you use that to describe their eyes in a way which makes them appear 'alien'?

This would also have the bonus effect of giving the piece a more urgent pace (which in turn would enhance the malevolent atmosphere) My feeling is that currently it is on the slow-side.

One last thing...it's never 'try and' it always 'try to'

As mentioned, I hope my feedback is useful. If I have not made myself clear at any point, please feel free to PM me for clarification.
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Thornton
Posted: January 28th, 2010, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Oh and one more thing.....I love Derbyshire - spent some fantastic weekends there!
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: January 30th, 2010, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Thornton,

Thanks for the read- highly appreciated.

Glad you thought it was extremely well written, and you thought the dialogue was believable, and I'm happy you got something out of it.

It's a pity you saw the twist coming, you're the first person that's told me they did so.

Thanks for the feedback, buddy. I always find it helpful. We'll just have to agree to disagree about the 'try and'/'try to' scenario. It was a piece of dialogue, and I've heard plenty of people say that, rightly or wrongly.

Cheers again,

Craig


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Thornton
Posted: January 30th, 2010, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Craig,

Good point on the 'try and' being dialogue.

Will keep an eye out for your other stuff and look forward to reading it.

T
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: January 30th, 2010, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks T,

If you get chance I'd really appreciate you checking out my other stuff (especially Spiritual Connections), thankyou.

Let me know if I can return the favour.

Craig.

PS You're right, The Peak District is great, and I'm pretty lucky to have it right on my doorstep!


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