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Thief by Michael Cornetto, Sandra E. Watson, Thomas Pascal, Gary Rademan With the assistance of Gabriel Moronta, Jeff Bush, Elisabeth DuBois, Toby Elmers - Drama, Comedy - Thieves, secrets, and a suspicious RV are the mysteries that eight dysfunctional friends will encounter, during a quirky high school reunion. 115 pages - pdf, format
Here's the output of many months of work that a number of us put into the collaborative exercise. We would really love to get some feedback from all of you so that we can make it even better.
This is fun. Very polished; some good dialogue. I'm going to give some criticism, but please take it in the context of me liking the script overall.
My honest feedback is that I stopped reading after page 20. I liked what I had read so far, and I could have carried on, but I didn't feel compelled to so I stopped. Here are, I think, the reasons why it didn't really hook me:
1, It was a bit on the nose. You had some interesting ideas. For example, the former alcoholic who now abstains, and the girl who had had a sex change. But both of them declared this to be the case pretty early on. I think you could hook people in by hinting at these things for a while and then letting them out as mini-twists. For example, have Roddy in a bad mood but don't explain why. Have him behave covertly as he tries to disguise the fact that he is not drinking. Have no-one quite sure who Francesca is. I think this would add a bit more texture and interest and keep people reading
2. After telling you not to be so on the nose, I'm going to say the opposite in relation to one thing... I think it might benefit from being a little more up-front about what the central idea of the script is. At page 20 I still don't know. It feels like a friendship type thing, but the description and the title tell me it's going to be about crime. I was finding myself skimming through because I wanted to get to something that would give me a handle on the plot. You need to flag it up more so we know what we're getting into - even if you just make it obvious what genre you're in
Thanks for the read and for liking it. I agree that there's probably some stuff that could be cut from the first 20 pages but this being a first draft of a multiple author script it's kind of hard to get a consensus so your feedback is enormously helpful.
1. You might be right and we could have been a bit more subtle but in actually the information fed to you is extremely important later on in the script. This isn't about Roddy trying to stay sober and it isn't about Francesca trying to fool everyone. They arc from their initial states as the script progresses.
2. I have to agree with this. Though we do start on the ring, which is what is stolen, before 20 it doesn't get stolen until around 30, so we could tighten things up a bit. This is mostly my fault because of the way I divvied up the outline for the beginning. What to cut though?
This is fun. Very polished; some good dialogue. I'm going to give some criticism, but please take it in the context of me liking the script overall.
My honest feedback is that I stopped reading after page 20. I liked what I had read so far, and I could have carried on, but I didn't feel compelled to so I stopped. Here are, I think, the reasons why it didn't really hook me:
1, It was a bit on the nose. You had some interesting ideas. For example, the former alcoholic who now abstains, and the girl who had had a sex change. But both of them declared this to be the case pretty early on. I think you could hook people in by hinting at these things for a while and then letting them out as mini-twists. For example, have Roddy in a bad mood but don't explain why. Have him behave covertly as he tries to disguise the fact that he is not drinking. Have no-one quite sure who Francesca is. I think this would add a bit more texture and interest and keep people reading
2. After telling you not to be so on the nose, I'm going to say the opposite in relation to one thing... I think it might benefit from being a little more up-front about what the central idea of the script is. At page 20 I still don't know. It feels like a friendship type thing, but the description and the title tell me it's going to be about crime. I was finding myself skimming through because I wanted to get to something that would give me a handle on the plot. You need to flag it up more so we know what we're getting into - even if you just make it obvious what genre you're in
Hope this is some help. Well done.
Jamie,
Thank you so much for giving this what you did. I love what you propose as to not showing so much initially; however, I'm also wondering what other people think in regards to this sentiment:
Some people say that writers often hold back, trying to keep up suspense in a false kind of way that doesn't work.
I'm referring to what young writers often do. They think that by "not telling" they are creating suspense, but that is not real suspense, but rather the withholding of information.
If the characters are comfortable revealing "what they are"; indeed, if they are even bursting at the seams to reveal their personal life changes, then I think that the script should remain regarding the characters' dramatic internal need.
Having said that, I think we need to ask ourselves the question:
What didn't turn you on? What's the thing that's stalling us all out? If we can figure that out, we will be able to compress the beginning more and nail it. I feel very strongly that you're right and that we're missing something.
I think we can nail it more with some genuine feedback such as yours.
You weren't compelled to read on; yet you said it was fun.
Doesn't make sense. We're missing something and I know it; just don't know what it is.
Give us more. Tell us if you can, which character you'd like to know about. Gabriel is the host. Would you like to know more about him?
Also:
Note:
I'd like to see us work the title more to reflect the Thief theme and also comedy.
Thank you so much again. We really appreciate it!!!!
Sandra, you asked for some more insight. Now, bear in mind I haven't read to the end. But here's some 'shooting from the hip' thoughts.
The problem as I see it is that this first 20 pages doesn't really do much. It seems to introduce us to the characters but not much else. I meant it when I said it was fun, but that's because the dialogue was light and well-written - that's never going to be enough to keep me fully engaged. Seems that there are a couple of ways you could go with this first 20 pages:
1. If you agree with me that it's purpose is just to introduce the characters, then rocket through it a lot quicker. Skip everyone arriving at the house, for example. You could start with them all in a room, have some dramatic event, and let the characters' reactions tell us what we need to know about them. E.g. the lights go off (okay, so that is the biggest cliche in the book, but you get the idea). The alcoholic says he needs a drink and clatters around with the glasses - everyone tells him to pull himself together and not to touch a drop. Francesca says she feels less self-conscious in the dark since her sex change. You can do a lot better - those are just illustrative. That way everyone's introduced in, say, 4 pages and the pace is much, much faster.
2. If you feel that for some reason things have to unfold the way they do currently (to make the rest of the script work) then you NEED (I think) to add something to make it more interesting. At the moment you have the social awkwardness which I liked - maybe you could throw in some more funnies to hook us? You have some arguments at the moment, but we don't have the background to really be invested in them. What I was getting at with the mini-twists was just something to get the same information across in a more interesting way. A way to add that extra layer of interest. I get what you say about them being comfortable with their characters. But there must be some aspect of the situation that they're not comfortable with that you can leverage. Alcoholism and transvestism are both interesting - it just seems a bit of a dramatic waste to come right out and say it without making the audience do any work or there being too much conflict or tension. Maybe that's not the way to go - but you need, I think, something. At the moment the characters seem 2 dimensional: there has to be more going on beneath the surface that the audience sees bits of but not the whole story (but knows that there are things left unseen).
Finally, I spoke about letting us know what type of feature it is. As to how you would do that, I didn't read far enough to be absolutely clear what type it is. But if it's a story of dishonesty then you could have them all playing cards at the beginning and someone cheats, but we don't know who as the way to introduce them all. Unsubtle, but would let us know. If it's a story of third parties coming in and stealing stuff then have an opening shot with someone putting on a fancy necklass and being watched from outside the window. Or the hostess finding her necklass missing and thinking she must have lost it. Just something right at the start to set the tone and let us know what's in store...
Sandra, you asked for some more insight. Now, bear in mind I haven't read to the end. But here's some 'shooting from the hip' thoughts.
The problem as I see it is that this first 20 pages doesn't really do much. It seems to introduce us to the characters but not much else. I meant it when I said it was fun, but that's because the dialogue was light and well-written - that's never going to be enough to keep me fully engaged. Seems that there are a couple of ways you could go with this first 20 pages:
1. If you agree with me that it's purpose is just to introduce the characters, then rocket through it a lot quicker. Skip everyone arriving at the house, for example. You could start with them all in a room, have some dramatic event, and let the characters' reactions tell us what we need to know about them. E.g. the lights go off (okay, so that is the biggest cliche in the book, but you get the idea). The alcoholic says he needs a drink and clatters around with the glasses - everyone tells him to pull himself together and not to touch a drop. Francesca says she feels less self-conscious in the dark since her sex change. You can do a lot better - those are just illustrative. That way everyone's introduced in, say, 4 pages and the pace is much, much faster.
The problem as I see it is that this first 20 pages doesn't really do much. It seems to introduce us to the characters but not much else. I meant it when I said it was fun, but that's because the dialogue was light and well-written - that's never going to be enough to keep me fully engaged. Seems that there are a couple of ways you could go with this first 20 pages:
I completely agree with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well done, Jamie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know what, if the scripts on here continue to receive feedback such as yours, we can say that we're truly blessed.
What You've stated is exactly what I felt from the beginning.
In fact, although it might be a little too risque, I felt in the beginning that we should eliminate all of the "Guest Rooms" and have this eccentric group sleep together, in a recreation room, on the floor, old-school style.
Many of us remember this kind of thing and I think it would bring us all back to those times.
The fact that people were arriving at the door one-by-one always bothered me. I felt it took too long to get going. Especially since we've got eight characters!
Fabulous!!!
I'm glad this is stated from someone not involved with the project. I don't like to push my opinion on people and bring other people's creativity down into the pit; so I didn't say anything, but I'm grateful that you've spoken up, open and honest.
I have your script left to read in the 7wc, but since it seems most people don't seem to be able to get to the end, would you prefer me to read this one instead? You read a lot and are very good at analyzing scripts so I want to do a good job for you. Just tell me which one you'd prefer me to read. Normally I would read both, but I have been bombarded with scripts to read lately, plus I need to repay those who read my 7wc.
I have your script left to read in the 7wc, but since it seems most people don't seem to be able to get to the end, would you prefer me to read this one instead? You read a lot and are very good at analyzing scripts so I want to do a good job for you. Just tell me which one you'd prefer me to read. Normally I would read both, but I have been bombarded with scripts to read lately, plus I need to repay those who read my 7wc.
I recently read your screenplay "Thief" on the Simply Scripts website. I was very impressed with it and feel that you definitely have a lot of potential as a screenwriter. I have been working with some other writers to setup a website aimed to give screenwriters better exposure and also a more efficient way of gaining feedback. We've managed to get deals with major production studios and right now we are looking for screenwriters like yourself to try the site and give us your thoughts. It is entirely free and it would be a great opportunity for you to be one of the first on board. The link is http://www.beta.circalit.com.
We've currently given access to a select group of producers and agents to browse the site for literary talent. If a producer wants to contact you, they will do so through the site. Over the next month as we launch fully, we will be inviting more producers and agents to use the site, which will hopefully get your screenplay the exposure it deserves.
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to get in touch. Hopefully I will see you in the Circalit website!
I recently read your screenplay "Thief" on the Simply Scripts website. I was very impressed with it and feel that you definitely have a lot of potential as a screenwriter. I have been working with some other writers to setup a website aimed to give screenwriters better exposure and also a more efficient way of gaining feedback. We've managed to get deals with major production studios and right now we are looking for screenwriters like yourself to try the site and give us your thoughts. It is entirely free and it would be a great opportunity for you to be one of the first on board. The link is http://www.beta.circalit.com.
We've currently given access to a select group of producers and agents to browse the site for literary talent. If a producer wants to contact you, they will do so through the site. Over the next month as we launch fully, we will be inviting more producers and agents to use the site, which will hopefully get your screenplay the exposure it deserves.
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to get in touch. Hopefully I will see you in the Circalit website!
The important thing is that we can feel the love and passion. If passion is a kind of kinetic energy, then it's the fuel we need to keep working. That and a little magic.
Sandra, I was actually being a bit sarcastic by posting this obvious chain letter in the hopes that we might gain some emotional blackmail points from the people who haven't read Thief yet.
I'll read it and post feedback. BEWARE!!! BWOOOHAHA!!
I did want to thank you guys for including me as a contributor. Very cool. I feel very bad about backing out and I honestly hope you guys are still cool with me. Knowing now how long it went on after I jumped ship, it was a good decision on my part for sure. No way could I have held up that long.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Sandra, I was actually being a bit sarcastic by posting this obvious chain letter in the hopes that we might gain some emotional blackmail points from the people who haven't read Thief yet.
You can't count on me to know that. I'm an optimist.
Still, Thief is a masterpiece. It's a diamond in the rough. Yes, it's rough, but it's still a diamond.
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