Mused by Pete Lane - Short, Romantic Comedy - Sixteen year old Devon Grell is a talented and skilled musician, but he's still missing one thing: inspiration. Tonight, he'll find it - and her name is Gina. 26 pages - pdf, format

Many thanks to Don for posting this.

This was originally conceived for the August 09 OWC, but I didn't get it done in time (obviously). As part of my New Years resolution to finish things I start - I finished it! It's also a bit of a rewrite - I elaborated on some things - so it's longer than the OWC required 12 pages. But not 26 pages - sorry for the blank pages at the end.

I really hope you aren't all sick of the genre/song thing from that OWC, and are willing to give this a read and review. I will gladly reciprocate.

Thanks!

Pete,

Sounds interesting. I'll give it a read tonight.

I apologize if some of these notes are overly specific while others are more general, or if I disappoint with the number of notes given.  I'm still new to the advice-giving business.

Quoted Text - Names (Bon, Girl/Darcy) When Bon and Darcy were introduced, I had to do a double-take as to who they were - in part because they didn't get their first line of named dialogue until their second scene.  Specifically, Darcy is called "Girl" in one scene and "Darcy" in the next. -p.3 The zombies don't play any role in the story.  Are they there just to show Bon is a geeky teenager?  It works, but they seem an odd fit given the tone of the story.  Similarly, there's a reference later about what the two might do after dinner, but we never see that, so it's extra convo that can be left out. - Darcy is Devon's sister? This should be mentioned in that first scene together, rather than an oblique reference to their bone structure. - p.5 "It's me.  Bon." Does Darcy not know him?  Seems like it may be a joke I'm missing. - p.5 "Darcy is displeased, but moves on." - can you show instead of tell?  Like "Darcy huffs and places hands on hips." -p. 6 "Bon sits up and addresses Darcy from between the two front seats."  We knew he was in the backseat.  Maybe cut the repetition. -p.7 "She pulls hard to the right and SCREECHES to a halt beside a curb. She stops but doesn’t turn off the vehicle."  Screeching to a halt is stopping but doesn't imply turning it off.  As the scene ends there, I'm not sure knowing the engine was left running is important. -p.9 "A standard suburban lot" - I'd put something memorable in the yard, even if it's "typical".  Don't tell us something's normal, especially not in a boring "walking through front door" scene, tell us something that would make the scene pop out at in our memory.  Otherwise you could cut the scene entirely and be fine. -p.9 You had another case of giving the character a non-descript name before formally introducing her.  Don't confuse the reader.  It's okay to give someone a name before showing her or giving her some description, especially if she's important. -p.9 I also had the thought at this point that it seems to be kinda late to introduce the muse, but you get there soon enough after.  My only thought might be to tighten up the intro a bit if you can, to get the muse in earlier, and perhaps give Devon a better reason to love Gina than simply love at first sight. p.18 Be careful about narration in the scene descriptions.  I sort of felt like I'm reading a short story put into screenplay format. p.21 We knew Gina was a lesbian before we even met her.  While I can believe Devon might like her a lot, I somehow didn't buy that he didn't really know until page 21 that he had no chance with her. p.23 On the other hand, the idea Gina has a younger sister is quite a smart thing to end on.  Too bad Devon didn't hear that because he was too busy rushing to put the lyrics and notes down on paper.  Going back to my p. 10 note, I'd say if you can work Gina's sister into the story earlier and then end with a shot of her walking toward Devon in the hall with THE MUSIC about to play, that could work quite well.

Despite all the notes, I liked the story a lot.  I think the intermixing of the song (despite not having heard it myself) was a smart use of it.

The thing about shorts (even more so then tv shows or movies) is that extreme brevity in the writing.  Every word has to count.  So scenes that don't move the story or set the mood and every description that tells us instead of showing us (especially camera angles) have to go.

You did a good job with this.  As I said in my notes, though, it could easily work (and perhaps work even better) as a short story where the format lets you say more in a way that still works for the story.

Quoted Text When Bon and Darcy were introduced, I had to do a double-take as to who they were - in part because they didn't get their first line of named dialogue until their second scene.  Specifically, Darcy is called "Girl" in one scene and "Darcy" in the next.

Fair point. I certainly don't want the reader to be confused.

Quoted Text -p.3 The zombies don't play any role in the story.  Are they there just to show Bon is a geeky teenager?  It works, but they seem an odd fit given the tone of the story.

Yeah, that's what it's for, just to show what kind of kids they are. A little peak into "character", it may not be necessary to the plot, but I think it helps the audience "see" them.

Quoted Text Similarly, there's a reference later about what the two might do after dinner, but we never see that, so it's extra convo that can be left out.

I'm not sure what you're referring to there.

Quoted Text - Darcy is Devon's sister? This should be mentioned in that first scene together, rather than an oblique reference to their bone structure.

Another fair point.

Quoted Text - p.5 "It's me.  Bon." Does Darcy not know him?  Seems like it may be a joke I'm missing.

Um, maybe it is a joke you're missing. He's supposed to be saying something like "you know me, it's Bon, we're old friends".

Quoted Text - p.5 "Darcy is displeased, but moves on." - can you show instead of tell?  Like "Darcy huffs and places hands on hips."

I was trying not to direct too much, but you're right, I should show more.

Quoted Text -p. 6 "Bon sits up and addresses Darcy from between the two front seats."  We knew he was in the backseat.  Maybe cut the repetition.

To me, it's not repetition really. He was in the back seat, then moves closer to the front and speaks to Darcy from between the seats. I'll make it clearer.

Quoted Text -p.7 "She pulls hard to the right and SCREECHES to a halt beside a curb. She stops but doesn’t turn off the vehicle."  Screeching to a halt is stopping but doesn't imply turning it off.  As the scene ends there, I'm not sure knowing the engine was left running is important.

I was afraid it might be implied, so I mentioned her not turning off the vehicle. I'll gladly take that out!

Quoted Text -p.9 "A standard suburban lot" - I'd put something memorable in the yard, even if it's "typical".  Don't tell us something's normal, especially not in a boring "walking through front door" scene, tell us something that would make the scene pop out at in our memory.  Otherwise you could cut the scene entirely and be fine.[quote] Good point. I think I need an establishing shot of the home, so I'll spice it up a bit. [quote]-p.9 You had another case of giving the character a non-descript name before formally introducing her.  Don't confuse the reader.  It's okay to give someone a name before showing her or giving her some description, especially if she's important.

I think just referring to a heard voice once without a name is not that big a deal, but I get what you're saying.

Quoted Text -p.9 I also had the thought at this point that it seems to be kinda late to introduce the muse, but you get there soon enough after.  My only thought might be to tighten up the intro a bit if you can, to get the muse in earlier, and perhaps give Devon a better reason to love Gina than simply love at first sight.

I feel I gave him a good reason with the dinner scene. The front door meeting was lust, the dinner conversation was love.

Quoted Text p.18 Be careful about narration in the scene descriptions.  I sort of felt like I'm reading a short story put into screenplay format.

Can you be more specific please?

Quoted Text p.21 We knew Gina was a lesbian before we even met her.  While I can believe Devon might like her a lot, I somehow didn't buy that he didn't really know until page 21 that he had no chance with her.

Okay, I was afraid of that. I did (edit) *not* want you to know that. When Devon called Gina Darcy's "college girlfriend" I intended for him to be joking without being aware that she was gay. I'll adjust that.

Quoted Text p.23 On the other hand, the idea Gina has a younger sister is quite a smart thing to end on.  Too bad Devon didn't hear that because he was too busy rushing to put the lyrics and notes down on paper.  Going back to my p. 10 note, I'd say if you can work Gina's sister into the story earlier and then end with a shot of her walking toward Devon in the hall with THE MUSIC about to play, that could work quite well.

That's something to consider.

Quoted Text Despite all the notes, I liked the story a lot.  I think the intermixing of the song (despite not having heard it myself) was a smart use of it.

Thank you. I was afraid I overused it - I still think I may have.

Quoted Text You did a good job with this.  As I said in my notes, though, it could easily work (and perhaps work even better) as a short story where the format lets you say more in a way that still works for the story.

That's something to think about.

Thank you very much, Ken, for taking the time to read this and give me your thoughts. You have brought up some good points - some I had considered and some I hadn't - and that's exactly what I'm looking for. Thanks again! I'll get to "Idealist" very soon.

~Pete

Hi Pete,

Just gave this a quick read and I liked it quite a bit.  There's a couple things I'd consider changing around:

1) Make "The Music" original to this piece.  The problem here is that unless the reader read the script you're referring to(which I didn't), they really have no idea what the hell "The Music" is other than it being something that Devon trances in and out of.  By simply describing it a bit in the opening sequence, that would help clear a lot up.  I don't know how the OWC script went or what the song was, so maybe this is just easy for me to say, but I'd strongly recommend making "The Music" unique to this script.

2) The pot use seemed a little out of place to me.  I can't really say that it served much purpose other than...actually, I really don't know.  It just seemed out of place to open the script with.  Actually, if you were to take out the pot altogether, this would be a nice short that could cater to a family-type market if you so desired.  That's probably not what you were going for, but just a thought.

The story flowed really well when Devon came home.  The blend of his strict mom, goofy grandpa, and typically mean older sister worked nicely.  I also think you captured the young-boy-falls-for-older-girl thing really well. We've all been there before haha.  The final meeting between Devon and Gina was both a hit and a miss.  While it ended fine(it would have been nice for Devon to meet Gina's sister, but his music was top priority), I kept thinking, well, maybe Gina is just saying she's a lesbo to make it easier for Devon.  Then Devon goes and writes his song and Gina knows she let him down gently.  But in actuality, having her be a lesbian just seemed too convenient of an ending.  

There's also some blank pages at the end of the document?...

Regardless, I did enjoy this piece very much.  Nice characters, nice banter conversations, and you captured the 16 year old male mind very well.  Nice job!

-Greg

Quoted from greg 1) Make "The Music" original to this piece...

Though I intend to do a second draft, I doubt I'll ever change that. This was written for the OWC, and I know I'll never sell the script, so I'm fine with leaving THE MUSIC in it. What I will do is provide a link to the music on the title page. If you want to listen to it: http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/audio/SimplyScripts.mp3

Quoted Text 2) The pot use seemed a little out of place to me...

Actually, it turned out not to be pot. Bon just rolled his own tobacco cigarette - I'll be more clear with that. You're right though, taking that out would appeal to a family audience, if I were to aim for that.

Quoted Text ...The final meeting between Devon and Gina was both a hit and a miss.  While it ended fine(it would have been nice for Devon to meet Gina's sister, but his music was top priority), I kept thinking, well, maybe Gina is just saying she's a lesbo to make it easier for Devon.  Then Devon goes and writes his song and Gina knows she let him down gently.  But in actuality, having her be a lesbian just seemed too convenient of an ending.

I originally just had her reject him nicely, the lesbian thing was written in the moment for a little more humor. Perhaps it didn't work. It's not that important, I could go for a stronger conversation.  

Quoted Text There's also some blank pages at the end of the document?...

Yeah, that was just a mistake. Too quick too convert to pdf and submit.

Quoted Text Regardless, I did enjoy this piece very much.  Nice characters, nice banter conversations, and you captured the 16 year old male mind very well.  Nice job!

Thank you very much for the read, kind words and valuable points you made.  

~Pete

Quoted from Pete B. Lane Okay, I was afraid of that. I did want you to know that. When Devon called Gina Darcy's "college girlfriend" I intended for him to be joking without being aware that she was gay. I'll adjust that.

Pete... Stop the press!!.  Two guys walking down the street holding hands sends up "red flags,"  Gay to 99.9% of people.  But take two women and put them in the same situation and more times then not, it'll be chalked up to bestfriends or atleast good one's.  Women are more affectionate to one another in public and it's accepted.  Unless we seen them sucking face, making out most people wouldn't really think too much about it.  "Wait!! I might get beat up on this one."

Having said that, when Devon said, "College girlfriend," could mean a few things.  Her being a lesbian wasn't one that came to mind.   I figured her and Darcy are just bestfriends.  Besides, you didn't really give anything away to say other wise until page#21.  If you had Gina sneaking glances at Darcy during dinner or them kissing would have been different.

To your credit, I think you succeeded IMO.

Other then two issue which a previous reviewer pointed out, I can't fault your writing it was very good.  My biggest issue was with your overkill of wrylies.  You have darn near twice as many as you do pages.  Tedious and tiresome.  Not too mention half you don't need because the "Line," is obvious.

Lets take your first one, the teacher. (sarcastically, to Devon)  Without that, based on his dialogue, we know he's being sarcastic but more importantly, we know he's talking to Devon.   I'm sure you know this though.  

Yes, there are lots of uses of wrylies but I find the best use of them is when the meaning of the line in context is the exact opposite of the usual meaning.
                                Ghostwriter
                                   (pissy)
                             Nice to meet you.
but since your not planning on doing too much with this short, then no need to go any further.  I'm sure you know.

"Chunky Chan" Funny stuff.  The opening three pages was hilarious I thought.  Kind of died at the end.  The humor that is IMO.   This is not my type of story but it was amusing, nice ending I thought and overall a good read.

L8R

Ghostwriter

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Having said that, when Devon said, "College girlfriend," could mean a few things.  Her being a lesbian wasn't one that came to mind.   I figured her and Darcy are just bestfriends.  Besides, you didn't really give anything away to say other wise until page#21.  If you had Gina sneaking glances at Darcy during dinner or them kissing would have been different. To your credit, I think you succeeded IMO.

I see when you quoted me I said "I did want you" rather than "I did not". But yeah, I didn't think "college girlfriend" would be interpreted by all as "college lesbian girlfriend". So I hoped it wouldn't be guessed that she was gay. Thanks for saying I succeeded.

Quoted Text ...My biggest issue was with your overkill of wrylies...

Fair point. I suppose I overuse them for the sake of clarity. Thanks for calling me on it.

Quoted Text "Chunky Chan" Funny stuff.  The opening three pages was hilarious I thought.  Kind of died at the end.  The humor that is IMO.   This is not my type of story but it was amusing, nice ending I thought and overall a good read.

I will try to make it funnier later in the script in another draft.

Thanks Ghostwriter. I appreciate you taking the time to read it and give some notes.

~Pete

Nice little story here, congrats on seeing it through! I think it could be a bit shorter, though (which is something I rarely say) Would have liked to see your original version for the OWC, esp. if it was only 12 pgs.

First thing that jumps out at me are the names. Devon/Darcy -- too similar. It's common in real life, but hard to read and differentiate on the page. Maybe it's just me, though.

I agree with Ghostwriter about the wrylies. Most, if not all of them can be expressed in a different way. Also, I didn't think you telegraphed Gina's sexual prefrences, either.

Some of your action can be cleaned up. Example:

Quoted Text Bon, in the backseat, looks out the window, then at Darcy. The window, Darcy, the window, then fixes on Darcy.

This doesn't read nearly as smoothly as your next example, on p. 11:

Quoted Text as his eyes jump back and forth between his plate and Gina, who sits opposite him.

Quoted Text Now within a few feet of the trio, he stops and stares with - Anticipation? Fear? Constipation? Who knows.

YOU know! You wrote it. tell us!    

Quoted Text Linda turns to him and mouths a few words, still silently, the last clearly being �Devon�. Their silence breaks and THE MUSIC ceases.[quote] You could make Linda's silent dialogue read like does on p. 15. It's good that you're figuring it out as you go, but you should stay consistent. [quote] DEVON (to Gina) Hot - er, Hi. Devon. I am.

Oh good, you avoided the Yoda refrence. Overdone it is.

But you don't need the (to Gina) if he's approaching her. If he was approaching her, but was talking to someone else, maybe.

Quoted Text he�s fighting the music in his head and losing.

Good stuff. Write more of these -- they're interesting and informative, without sounding like narrative.


A couple typos on p. 19: Devons and he singing about me -- right and p. 22: i've never done before either  Looks pretty clean otherwise.


Overall the story was enjoyable, but I think the dialogue and action could be crisper. Drop the narratives and wrylies, be more efficent with your words and you'll get there! Good luck!

Quoted from NJDevil Nice little story here, congrats on seeing it through! I think it could be a bit shorter, though (which is something I rarely say) Would have liked to see your original version for the OWC, esp. if it was only 12 pgs.

Thanks. Actually, there never was a 12 page version. I didn't complete it (I got about half done) then went back to it later.

Quoted Text First thing that jumps out at me are the names. Devon/Darcy -- too similar. It's common in real life, but hard to read and differentiate on the page. Maybe it's just me, though.

It is common in real life, that's why I chose those names. And I don't think they're similar enough to really get confused. If other reviewers agree with you I'll consider changing one.

Quoted Text I agree with Ghostwriter about the wrylies. Most, if not all of them can be expressed in a different way. Also, I didn't think you telegraphed Gina's sexual prefrences, either.

Yes, the wrylies will be changed.

Quoted Text YOU know! You wrote it. tell us!

I'll have to disagree with you on that one. My point was that his look is ambivalent, the audience would not really know what he was thinking, even if I do (in a weird way, I don't).

Quoted Text But you don't need the (to Gina) if he's approaching her. If he was approaching her, but was talking to someone else, maybe.

Good point.

Quoted Text A couple typos on p. 19: Devons and he singing about me -- right and p. 22: i've never done before either  Looks pretty clean otherwise.

Ah, thank you! That the type of thing a writer misses even after rereading a script a dozen times.

Quoted Text Overall the story was enjoyable, but I think the dialogue and action could be crisper. Drop the narratives and wrylies, be more efficent with your words and you'll get there! Good luck!

Thanks for everything NJDevil!

~Pete

Hey Pete,

Really nice job on this, and I'll tell you what I especially liked in a minute.  Definitely, definitely though take ghost's advice on the wrylies, because they really pulled me in the opposite direction as I was reading.

My advice to you would be to take every single one out, and see how the script reads then.  If something is unclear, explain it in the narrative. Have a character move towards another, or have their expression change, etc. Then, if you absolutely cannot convey what you want to in just the dialogue and the narrative - then drop one or two in (no more than that).  Trust the reader, and trust your abilities as a story teller.

What impressed me about this piece is that you seemed to have nailed what eludes even the best of screenwriters - depth of characters.  I could visualize Bon, a chunky Asian guy, almost cool because he plays music but still geeky.  Powerfully done. And Devon's awkwardness came through in his dialogue and his mannerisms. And the old man I pictured sorta like Barnard Hughes in "The Lost Boys" - and I love the line "Who the hell is Gina?"

Could I pick a bit on how you get into and out of some of your narratives and dialogue? Yeah, I could, but overall this was entertaining, funny in spots, and the dialogue and character were really good IMO - nice job.

AJR

Quoted from ajr ...Definitely, definitely though take ghost's advice on the wrylies...

Will do. This is why this board is so great, valuable advice on something I had not even considered. I will go through the script and leave only the ones that are absolutely necessary, if any.

Quoted Text What impressed me about this piece is that you seemed to have nailed what eludes even the best of screenwriters - depth of characters...

That means a lot, thanks! I really made an effort to visualize the characters, so it's great to hear that it worked.

Quoted Text Could I pick a bit on how you get into and out of some of your narratives and dialogue? Yeah, I could...

And you're certainly welcome to do so.

Quoted Text ...but overall this was entertaining, funny in spots, and the dialogue and character were really good IMO - nice job.

Thanks a heap AJR!

~Pete

P.S. I'm behind on my return read/reviews, but I will catch up soon, I promise. If there's anything in particular you (the plural "you", anyone who posted here) want read, just mention it. And that goes for all who have yet to post.

Quoted from Pete B. Lane P.S. I'm behind on my return read/reviews, but I will catch up soon, I promise. If there's anything in particular you (the plural "you", anyone who posted here) want read, just mention it. And that goes for all who have yet to post.

I'd like to get your opinion on mine, but it's much, much longer than yours so no worries if you don't.  

Hey Pete, I gave this a read cause I remember that OWC very well.  Actually grew to really like that little tune.  It still haunts me, actually.  I took page by page notes, so that should help clear up some issue and problems and let you know where I’m coming from.  I do want to say a few things up front, though.

Over all, I actually kind of liked this.  I think that’s due to your well defined and likable characters.  As someone else also said, that’s hard to do.  Kudos on that.  I’m impressed.  They also played out pretty realistically, which I always appreciate.  Wasn’t a single character I didn’t like or believe.

Story is also quite good. Sure, it’s simple as shit, but who cares?  It works.  It’s about twice as long as it should be…or needs to be, but that’s an easy fix.  The foundation is here, it’s solid, and all you need to do is just chop 12-14 pages out of it.  Should be pretty simple to see where they are.

OK, so now…hmmm, when you read my page by page notes, you’ll probably think I was hating it.  I wasn’t…I was definitely annoyed with a lot of stuff, but the great characters pulled me through, I guess.  Hel, maybe I’m just a sucker for the underdog and his shot a total frickin’ hot babe.  And, BTW, I had no clue Gina was a lesbo, so don’t worry about that..nothing was telegraphed at all, IMO.

The wrylies, as you may know by now, need to frickin go!  So annoying and such a waste of space. You might save an entire page by dropping those irritants.

Otherwise, I think you’ll see my gripes in eh page by page notes, which are up next.

Good job though, here, Pete!  Really wish you would have entered this on time and at 12 pages.  It’s a great start, and it’s a lot easier to take stuff out, than come up with new stuff.  CUT CUT, SNIP SNIP, SLASH SLASH!
Take care, bud.

Page by page notes

Page 1- Opening sentence seems a bit awkward and confusing…probably due to the word “moreso”, which isn’t actually a word…it’s “more so”.

Same with the next sentence…I don’t know about parked cars “peppering” a lot.

I’m assuming the music is coming from “O.S.”, right?  If so, you’ll want to include that, as it’s an important point.

You need to give at least an age for Mr. Freet.

Comma after “fades”

Watch the use of wrylies.  That’s 2 already in the first half page.  Use them sparingly, as they take up space and get annoying when they’re not necessary.  They are definitely a form of “directing” that you don’t want to get in the habit of.

“The chubby Asian kid” – Since he’s first being intro’d here, you need to use all CAPS.

Page 2 – OK, now you intro’d the chubby Asian kid, as Bon. As I always say, intro your characters immediately when they’re intro’d onscreen.  This would do away with the above issue.

No reason for, “They are caught in mid conversation.” – This is obvious when you go int their dialogue.  Skip this line, as it’s a waste.

Page 3 – As I said and assumed above, you’re using way too many wrylies.

“passed” – “passes”

I’m confused…are they smoking a J or just a rolled cig?

Page 4 – “Bon smirks as he imagines - and it is heard - the same DUH DUH DUHHH as before.” – This is awkward and confusingly written.

Page 5 – Not a big fan of the slacky “INT./EXT.” Slug heading.  Easy to break this into its proper scene headings. Don’t get in the habit of slacking off like this unless it’s completely necessary…and I’m not really sure when that is.

“90s” – “90’s”

“…and addresses…” – Lose this stuff.  Not necessary at all and irritating.

Page 6 – “O.C.” – “O.S.” – as in off screen, not off camera.

Page 7 – “Without losing focus on the phone, Bon speaks.” – You’ve got to get out of this habit of novelistic writing.  It serves no place in a script.

Page 8 – Again, intro your characters immediately…don’t call Devon’s Mom “Woman”.  If you do a character report on your software, you’ll see that it incorrectly has “WOMAN’S VOICE” as a character now, as opposed to just “LINDA GRELL”…there will be an additional character showing up, and that’s wrong.

Again, the total over use of wrylies is killing this!  Get rid of almost all of them!!!!

Page 10 – Keep in mind, you have to use all CAPS when you first intro a character.  You didn’t do that here.

What “MUSIC” is growing louder with each step?  You never mentioned this starting up.

This whole silent dialogue stuff has a name…there is a screenwriting name for it.  I don’t use it and am not going to search for what it is.  I’m sure someone else will chime in, so you can fix this part.

Once again, let me DRUM this into your head…WAY TOO MANY WRYLIES!!!!!  Stop the madness!!!!

Page 11 – Here we go again…look at all these fucking wrylies! C’mon, man!

Page 12 – and it continues…

General note – Pete, I really wish you would have finished this on time and entered it into the OWC – the page restriction of 12 would had seriously helped this.  It’s dragging terribly, and there’s really no reason why this is so long (for what it is). Now, don’t get me wrong…in some ways I do like this, and I think if it’s half it’s length (and of course, those damn, fucking wrylies are taken out), it could be a pretty decent little script.  I like the characters and tone you’ve set.  It’s  just punishingly slow and plodding.

Page 13 – “…our Mom…” – doesn’t sound real…should be “my Mom”

“moreso” – again, it’s “more so”

Page 14 – You need to spell out numbers.

Page 15 – Here we go again with the silent talk.  Damn, I’m drawing a blank on what it’s called.  Sorry.

Page 17 – OK, another general note – this dinner scene just went on way too long. I see what you’re after here and in a way it’s semi-effective, but it’s just too LONG!.  Needs to be cut way back.  There just isn’t enough material here for this to still be going on without hitting what I am pretty sure is coming.  We’ll see…

Page 18 – the lyrics…most of the entries were pathetic in their weak attempt at writing lyrics that fit the music.  I still have that tune in my head and for some (really) odd reason, I actually sing my lyrics either in my head or out loud (yeah, I know…I’m whacked!).  I’m trying to make these work but can’t quite.  Still, I appreciate the attempt here and it seems legit how Devon is acting, being swept away, head over heels.

Page 19 – comma after “freak”

Page 22 – “I’ve never done before either.” – missing something here.  Doesn’t make sense or read right.

Uh…what’s with all the extra blank pages? Wish there was a bit more, although I said it was too long, the end was too short.  Have him sing the song again as we fade out…