Gunfighter by R Graham (thekiller333) - Western - Haunted and driven by his past a mysterious Gunman seeks vengeance on those who wronged him. 108 pages - fdr, format

Thought I'd give this one a look as I'm a fan of westerns and need to get more into the habit of reviewing scripts here...

I made it to page 30, but lost interest at that point. The biggest problem for me is that the main character just isn't fleshed out enough. He turns up, shoots a few people, then visits some old friends - but at no point did I really find out enough about him to make me care about his actions. He just seemed like a cliched western character, doing the things he does because that's what the genre expects. There really needs to be a bit more to him. It also felt strange that you jumped ahead a few years a couple of times, yet nothing important seemed to have changed. Who is this guy, really? What does he do, beyond shooting people? Why should I spend the next 100 pages following him about?

Having him bump into various famous figures from the wild west is a cute idea. However, at the moment it feels a bit gratuitous - Wild Bill especially, who seems to be there just so the Gunman can see him shot. I think you need to work these people more into the plot - have there be a good reason that you're involving them.

In terms of the style... You need to work on making your writing more visual. The opening scene in particularly feels flat. Maybe break the text up and give us some more interesting visual images? The shoot-out on page 7 needs to be broken up as well. You also have various typos that need to be cleaned up - lots of "your" instead of "you're" and "there" instead of "their", for example.

Thanks for that James.

There are big changes in the second draft, mostly on the main character.

I agree exactly on the Wild Bill, it has been change already.

Not sure what you mean by what does hes do apart from shooting people? Everything he had has been taken from him, he is angry and wants revenge and also hates what he is becoming and fights mentally with that.

You are the first one to say that you thought the other famous names were an OK idea!! However most of that stuff will be removed due to the timelines and dates, hopefully that will help with the jumping ahead that you were talking about.

The second draft he has a name Not "Gunman". So there is less mystery to who he is or even why he is the way he is, you just don't see it till later on.

Thanks very much for your thoughts, most helpfull.

Sorry to have lost you at page 30.

Ryan

Quoted Text Everything he had has been taken from him, he is angry and wants revenge and also hates what he is becoming and fights mentally with that.

Sure, I get that. But there has to be more to him than just that. You need to make him more of a multifaceted human being - or else the audience has no reason to care about what's happening to him, and therefore no reason to watch him for an hour and a half.

I suppose my problem essentially boils down to this: Why should I care about this guy?

Maybe you could flesh out the opening a bit? Give us a glimpse of what his life was like before, so then we know exactly what it is he's lost.

First off, your script is not saved in pdf format, fortunately I have Final Draft Viewer, but others might use a different software.

I don't really like to get into formatting, but you have a couple problems here. When a character talks to another character mid-dialogue then you need to add in a parenthetical. Try to give some physical description of your characters. You also mention nothing about the characters' accent. I'm assuming that if it's a western script set in Atlanta, then the characters would definitely have a strong southern twang.

You have tons of grammatical errors in your action blocks and dialogue. For example, if your character asks a question then use a question mark, it's basic, but you don't do it. Ironically, sometimes you use question marks when they are not needed like on page 4. I suggest getting someone to proof-read your work or you could always buy a script analysis.

Sometimes your action blocks get lengthy. Keep it down to under 4 lines and make it simple, nothing fancy.

Okay. So at the end of 10 pages, I can't stop laughing at the dialogue of the "Gunman". Everything he does, especially his intense staring is so cliche and dumb. The problem is that you make him out to be too much of a badass, to the point where the reader can't really sympathize with him. Give your character some more depth, maybe a back story like James mentioned. Also, the whole idea of vengeance in a western has been played out. For example, Unforgiven, Open Range, and The Quick and the Dead.

I see some problems in your story. Was there ever any gold in Atlanta? I thought most of the gold found was in the West, hence the California Gold Rush. Or maybe people back then thought there was gold in Atlanta and that is why people desert the town? Also, Atlanta wasn't a town back then, it was a major city made famous by the railroads that ran through it.

Overall, I think the script needs a lot of work. Keep me posted on revisions, and the best of luck.

-Chong

Point taken on the badass.

There was gold in small bursts and alot of false alarms like in the story. The second draft is not in Atlanta, that was mainly for the friendship with Holliday.

The famous names are being remove from the second draft also. So locations and dates will hopefully not seem s random.

Working on the grammer, i do struggle i must admit.

And again oint taken on the FD format, was going to change it but the second draft is not far away. So thought i would just wait.

Thanks very much. Very very helpfull

Ryan

No problem, Ryan.

To me a good Western is one that uses it's setting to it's advantage. Action is good and all, but it can't be sacrificed for character development and plot.

Try to keep your characters from being static. I personally would like to see a Western where there are no "good" or "bad" guys, but just people who get tangled up in some kind of conflict.

In a vengeance movie, we have to see the main character tortured and ripped apart to the point where he becomes immoral. Audiences really have to sympathize with the main character so that when he puts 6 bullets into a man's chest, everyone is clapping.

I recommend watching Chan Wook Park's Vengeance Trilogy, especially Oldboy.  These movies will give you a good idea of what you should be aiming for.

I hope this helps.

-Chong