Monster in the Dark by Zack Akers (splatter boy) - Short, Thriller - Disturbed cop Jack Morton is followed home by a dark secret. - pdf, format

Nope, this didn't work for me at all, sorry to say.

Tons and tons of mistakes throughout...typos galore, odd choices of capitalization (City, red Car, Police car, the Car, etc.), really, REALLY awkward phrasing throughout, etc.

The story itself is alright, but the way it's written and told, ruins whatever chance it had.

The 2nd part of the story, when Jack comes home is really poor, IMO.  Who is Danny?  How, all of a sudden, are Sarah and Kari handcuffed...you totally missed something here.  Jack is 35 and Sarah is early 30,s, yet they have an 18 year old daughter?  I guess Sarah gave birth in her mid teens?

Just doesn't work.  It needs more pages, but for some reason, you chose not to use your last 2 pages...it would have helped as it ends very abruptly...too abruptly.

Bottom line - looks like it wasn't even proof read once, and the story itself feels very rushed and thrown together.  Those 2 things never equal a good effort.

Sorry to be harsh, but I don't see alot of effort here at all.

This one was odd.

It's not really a thriller.  Cop is a creep, then cop gets killed by avenger of one of his victims.  Pretty routine there.

What I was confused about is the raspy voice.  Is that supposed to be Death coming to get these people who are about to die?  If that be the case then this really was more of a supernatural piece, but even I think that is kind of pushing it because it was really open ended.

Descriptions could use some work.  Typos.  Storywise this didn't do much for me.  By the end, I had far more questions than I did answers.  Why is this guy such a creep?  What happened to Megan's car if this guy basically kidnapped her?  Blood is splattering all over him.  How does he get away with it?  What's the raspy voice?

Didn't really work for me.  Sorry.

Aside from the typo's and plot holes pointed out above, i thought this was a decent entry.

You gave it a supernatural feel to it with death coming in the form of shadows. I think you made an effort on capturing the theme.

The intruder becomes a robber at on point in your story. He's not there to rob anyone. good work IMO for a week or a coupla hours like alot of us.

I don't think the spattering of blood can be filmed with this software tho.

James

Way too many voice overs for my liking.  Detracted from the action of the story, IMO.  It seemed like you had the concept of a pretty good story here, but you didn't have time enough to develop it.  As a result, you simply have too many unanswered questions and a very awkward ending.

Similar to many of the others this OWC, we have a nice premise that builds well to a climax that underwhelms.

The end to this one, in particular, left me with a feeling of, "that's it?"

I was particularly surprised by the lackluster end to this one, as the writing felt so competent -- so confident.

There is a lot to like here, and I was sure the author knew where they were going with this one.  But I think they got to the end and did not really know what to do with it.  A shame.

Quality work, but that deus ex machina intruder scores you no higher than B.

Well, I did like the idea of death coming in the shadows and calling people out by their names.

I think that you could have came up with a better way to kill the cop at the end though. I mean other than by an intruder.

I would have liked to seen the girl put up a fight, too. Maybe even have another girl "be" death. ???

Good ideas for a OWC. I'd like to see the rewrite if you do one.

Not gonna say too much about the grammar here, but I think it's a problem.

JACK
What the hell are you talking
about.



***Spoiler Alert***

Story? Eh, it's okay, but not exactly original. Rapist Killer cop takes advantage of vulnerable young women, kills her in a sadistic manner, then gets his from some unknown assailant who happens to suddenly appear...

Who is the intruder? Maybe a good guy cop? a private detective? a mercenary assassin? Need some explanation how he just popped in, knowing what he knew and delivering the package that Jack so deserved.

It works in terms of the challenge, including impending darkness aspect.

Didn't work for me, only because I feel like I read this story a thousand times and this didn't really bring anything new to the table.

Basically have to agree with what has already been said. There were a lot of mistakes in this one and the writing seemed very odd at times. I'm not a big fan of using bold for your scene headers and characters, but some people might like it I guess. Not sure why you had capital letters for things such as a police car, that was very odd. The use of CUT TO and FADE TO etc can also be left out here.

Story was ok, but didn't go into any real depth. Like Dreamscale said, I didn't understand how the two women were all of a sudden hancuffed. How did the intruder get in the house? You have written Danny when I think you mean Kari.

Overall I think the idea was good, but the execution was lacking.

Cheers,
Tim.

I agree with just about everything that's been said here. Jeff nailed most of the formatting issues - what jumped out at me was a serious lack of apostrophes.

As for the story, I was with you through page 9. I especially liked the tongue cutting out part and Jack's line after it. As Bert said, it felt very confident.

Then, the wife is in the house and doesn't notice an intruder already there? I won't be as harsh as everyone else about it, but I think you needed to have this guy, whoever he is, follow Jack home. I think it may have been as easy as that. and then problem solved.

Not bad, but as a few people here have said, a good setup with very little payoff.

Uh...huh? Many story problems here. First, the protagonist is NOT empathetic at all. He kills for no reason and we don't even want to relate to him. Second, there is no goal for anyone. Is Jack even trying to do something in the story? He kills, goes home, and gets killed.

The major problem is the ending. You provided us with no closure. The story, in turns, doesn't make sense. Who's that raspy voice in the alley way? What's with the shadow? Who's Danny? Too many unanswered questions for my liking.

I suggest try to flesh out the story first. It's a fair effort.

Too the writer...

I finshed this and said, "WTF."  The ending didn't work for me.  So many unanswered question.  I don't think you thought this one all the way through.  I wont re-hash the errors.

For the good, congrats on finishing the OWC though.  Nice attempt IMO

Ghostwriter

Hmm, an opening that reads imo like that scene from 'Crash' and a visual very reminiscent of those 'hellish ghouls' out of 'Ghost' - then I think, well that's okay cause you seem to be taking it on a different tangent. But, ultimately I'm let down (as others have noted) by the ending. Bad guy gets his comeuppance - 'the end'. You needed to flesh out a proper plot here.  There's a whole section missing imo. Having said that I'd be interested to read a second draft if you develop it further.

LC

Wow, that page limit's harsh isn't it? It certainly hurt you here, as fast as you cut short your ending. Here's the basic issue I have with this one. You set up a monster of a character. He's a nice contrast. The worst of the worst kind of cop who uses his power to be a monster. I like it. You have a decent subsequent setup of his coming home and getting busted for his crimes. Also very nice. Then you kill him.

What?! No, no, no. I felt about as cheated as I could be from that little move. Dude, this is the beginning of a feature. The intruder comes in, reveals the bad cops secret life, and ruins his public life. But he doesn't turn ol' Jack in. Now Jack has to live with the shame from his family. Will they turn him in? He has to face his co-workers. Do they know? What will he do next? Keeping him alive is far more interesting than killing him off. But that would require pages than you have, so boom!

No. Nice setup, but horrible ending. It all became rapidly very pointless. I wanted more.

I suppose if he's dead, the VO's are from his shadow speaking to the audience. Too bad you couldn't give us enough exposition as to why he turned from good cop to monster. Although, for this challenge, the use of "dark" and "shadows" and the impending dread of death, it fits. The other question I have is: does this work cinematically for a short that people want to see? It works on paper, up to a point that the character isn't fully developed. I didn't mind the ending because he got what he deserved.