SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is June 19th, 2018, 8:50am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
Scripts of the May '18 - Reboot your favorite series of days gone by - have been released!


The voting ballots will be released, soon...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Killing Gene *
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    OWC - The Killing Gene *  (currently 6708 views)
Don
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 9:29am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12376
Posts Per Day
1.95
The Killing Gene by Tim Ratcliffe (trojan) - Short, Supernatural Thriller - A man has his beliefs put to the test when he is confronted with an offer he simply can't refuse. - pdf, format



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 21st, 2010, 2:31pm
Logged
Site Private Message
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 10:45am Report to Moderator
Yellow


Posts
2799
Posts Per Day
0.86
Enjoyable.

Would also work well with the limitations of the software. It's one of the very few I've read that seems to fit into category.

The dialogue is quite excessive and expositional, but that's not a major concern. Some parts felt like they'd been done before a little bit and the whole concept is not hugely original, but it still tinkled along nicely enough.

Not much more to say really.

I could definitley see this as a moviestorm movie.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  February 14th, 2010, 11:30am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 62
Seth
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 11:06am Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Twin Ciites
Posts
317
Posts Per Day
0.07
This is an engaging read. Well thought out. Many will, no doubt, enjoy it.  And with good reason. There is much to like.


Scripts

Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 62
Blakkwolfe
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 11:52am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Florida, USA
Posts
757
Posts Per Day
0.19
Good show, outside of the grammar and spelling that seems to be running amok all over this particular OWC...

A little too chatty in some places, waxing philosophical about the nature of evil gets a little dry after a while.








***SPOILER ALERT***

Liked the twist with the cell phone in the alley; very cool. I don't why he just took Edgar's word for it when he was informed of the situation at his house...Seems that he would want some kind of evidence, however, given the nature of Edgar, I suppose it works in context of the story...

David is a bit cowardly; suddenly given the power to do the dispicable act, he chooses to take out a harmless hobo. Why not make it count? Take out the corner drug dealer or the known pedophile in the neighborhood.

Liked the ending. I often wondered why these other voices  people hear always tell them to kill people. They never say helpful things like volunteer to help the poor or anything like that.

Good insight, and a good job overall.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 62
bert
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
God King of the SimplyScriptsVerse


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4498
Posts Per Day
0.94
So, right off, this title appeals to me a great deal.  I am a big fan of the sciences, as some may know.  And there has, in fact, been some debate as to whether one might be genetically predisposed to antisocial behavior.

But unfortunately, this was less about science and more about convoluted killing schemes.

However, inside those parameters, this story works just fine.  It has a brisk pace, some twists in the right places, and a good conclusion.

After being thoroughly confused by the last piece I read -- making for a difficult review -- it was nice to find such a straightforward piece could easily make for a contender in Cornetto's little project.

I only wish there was a bit more science to it, as promised by the title.  A-


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 62
Andrew
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
London, England
Posts
1550
Posts Per Day
0.45
I had actually considered you as a possible author, bert, but I guess you have quelled that thought.

This is my favourite to date. Yes, it is does suggest and lean on a few previous films - the opening spoke to 'I Am Legend', to me - but it tells a pretty large story in short space, and does so well.

No real comments regards improvements, 'cos it works as it is, but maybe he could have a reason to not test the phone prior to carrying out the killing; reason being that rather than being drawn into a clever deflection with the number being cut off, I wondered why he hadn't already called it.

It veered out of the machinima tone visited in Michael's reel, but it does speak to the audience and is fully deserving of some form of production.

I have a strong suspicion of who this is, and it would be a departure and improvement for that person; so I hope it is.

Andrew


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 62
Dreamscale
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
Blue


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
10069
Posts Per Day
2.61
I liked this one pretty much.  As BW said, there are some issues, but not nearly as many as most of these scripts.

Problems I had were that it had a definite Saw feel to it, which is getting very old at this point.  It was also way too chatty, with 2 characters sitting talking for long periods of time, with nothing going on around them.  Biggest issue is like BW mentioned, so many possibilities to not proceed with the killing...go to his house and check it out...remove the knife and even the body if he has to.

A little confused as to why this "Edgar" dude is doing this...who is he, is he God?  Satan?  I doubt that Sullivan is just whacko, as it sure doesn't come off that way.

Easily one of the better scripts so far.  Good job!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 62
screenrider
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Creepy, cerebreal.

Kinda reminded me of the premise from "The Box". I liked the line where David says "These people have a psychological imbalance that causes them to create certain scenarios that only exist inside their minds as a way to justify their dark impulses".   That could easily apply to the creative process of a screenwriter, too.   Art imitates life.   You should've given David the name "Gene" to match the title.  

Nice work.

P.S. - I've seen this Writer's work before. Don't know why he puts the two words "thankyou" together.  Is that a UK thing or just a reoccurring typo?  

Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Scar Tissue Films  -  February 17th, 2010, 1:21pm
Logged
e-mail Reply: 7 - 62
Angry Bear
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
God Queen of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6211
Posts Per Day
1.65
I liked this one. My favorite so far as well.

I loved how Edgar goes from his science type talk on page 3 then ups the stakes for David in an instant by saying there's a body at his house. That was perfect timing.

My only little gripe would be, if I were David, I would have dialed the number before shooting anyone. Testing the phone in other words.

Great job!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 62
greg
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1878
Posts Per Day
0.39
This was good.

A little too chatty in certain areas, but it's a good concept executed from something that's very complex to something that's actually pretty simple.

Two parts in here were pretty chilling; the part where David calls the clean up team but gets the recording.  Real sense of dread there.  The other was the very ending where the camera from David's interview stops on him.  It's simple, but after what he just went through and experienced, it's a creepily effective ending.

Good job.

Greg


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 62
stevie
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Down Under
Posts
2935
Posts Per Day
0.84
Yeah, have to agree...this is the best so far (though that isn't saying too much compared to some of the others).

Concise writing, good premise. The only thing that nagged at me was how easily David made his way back to the basement? Um, i dunno, I sorta went, huh? So he just strolled back there?

Anway, nice effort


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 62
_ghostwriter
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
Green


I am a writer first and a critic second.

Location
"On the road to Rome."
Posts
728
Posts Per Day
0.22
Too the writer...

This was good very good IMO.  A few errors but nothing too distracting except the "Thankyou."  I liked the concept and this definitely fit the scope of the "Dark," theme.

I wasn't really surprised in the alley, that the cellphone was disconnect.  Not too much to say, except one of the better one's.

Good Job

Ghostwriter


THE TIME GUARDIAN: DARK FRONTIER - scyfy

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA - western

RISE OF THE AMAZONS - action, fantasy & adventure

HEATWAVE - faith-based erotic thriller

THE SLEEPING TIGER - psychological thriller
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 62
ajr
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
1232
Posts Per Day
0.39
Hmmm, I have to say this one was more miss for me than hit, though it had its good moments...

Basically I didn't buy the premise - in other words, I have a lot of questions here:

Why does Edgar go through this whole exercise in the first place? His initial reason is a ruse, and I sniffed him out as the devil / someone who couldn't be killed right away. It was obvious he did not work for a corporation. Actually, if he did, the story would be more plausible. As it stands now, he did a dastardly thing to David because he knew he secretly longed to kill? A stretch IMO...

Second, I don't buy that the public would have no sympathy for someone who was born to kill. This argument is not so much nature vs. nurture, but free will vs. pre-destination. If I am "part of God's plan", so to speak, and I must kill you to fulfill that plan, then what choice did I have? I'm blameless. And so would be the killer who was genetically programmed to kill. You can fight against environmental influences, but not who you are "hard-wired", or even pre-destined, to be.

Then again, since Edgar's speech here was part of the ruse, maybe it doesn't matter?

Lastly, David is set up for a murder, and must kill - to save himself. Not his wife, his children, etc. His choice is take a human life or go to jail. What would you do? I would go to jail. So David becomes thoroughly weak-willed and unlikeable (and I agree with Blakkwolfe - picking a homeless guy is the easy way out).

Then again, it proves Edgar's point - that David was a killer all along. But I ask again - why the exercise in the first place?

I guess it's good and thought-provoking writing if I'm asking so many questions. Overall, a good idea that may have suffered from some execution problems.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 62
CindyLKeller
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
1528
Posts Per Day
0.30
The killing gene. It's always there. Some just need a little push. Ha ha ha. Good stuff!

I think this one could be one of Cornetto's picks, and if it isn't well, I think it would be easy to film for someone else.

I liked this, but I agree that the bum guy should have been spared. Too easy. I'd like to see even more conflict there. I know there already is afterward with the call, but I'd like to see it upped even more, maybe he ends up having to shoot a cop. ???

Great job for a OWC, but then again, I'm positive that I know who wrote this, and when you enter a script for these challenges yours are always one of my favorites.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 62
jwent6688
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1745
Posts Per Day
0.49
This ones been pretty well reviewed and I can see why. Very good flow to it. Good setup and payoff. Really got nothing else to add that somebody already hasn't. This should be in the running to get made. Good work...  James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 62
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    February, 2010 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006