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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Room of Doors
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  Author    OWC - The Room of Doors  (currently 1556 views)
Don
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Room of Doors by Paul J. Gitschner - Short, Supernatural Thriller - A woman wakes up somewhere strange and tries to make sense of it all.  - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 21st, 2010, 2:34pm
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Grandma Bear
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't really connect with this one, sorry to say. I sort of liked the idea, but didn't like how you told it.

Lots of typos and stuff.

Did you write this one in Word? The formatting is off. Mainly the dialogue. It's way too wide.

Visually this didn't offer anything interesting...despite your strange add-on at the end.

I'm sorry.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Didn't really connect with this one, sorry to say. I sort of liked the idea, but didn't like how you told it.

Lots of typos and stuff.

Did you write this one in Word? The formatting is off. Mainly the dialogue. It's way too wide.

Visually this didn't offer anything interesting...despite your strange add-on at the end.

I'm sorry.


Pia's right.

You need to introduce your characters properly as well.  All CAPS the first time.  The (V.O.)'s lots of them too.  Good job on finishing the script in a weeks time but nothing really stood out here.

Ghostwriter



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stevie
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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Wow!! This one started very promising - a female held captive, strange voices, etc.
Then it took a wild leap downwards, like a herd of lemmings over a cliff.
Some of the dialogue became just plain odd and didn't make sense, even if the characters were all loopy anyway.

The writer needs to re-plan the entire script and work out exactly what they want from it.



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Dreamscale
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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OK, hope I don't get deleted again, but I'm not going to be able to finish this one.

As all 3 prior reviews stated, this one's a mess.  I don't mean that in an evil way, either.  Obviously, this is a first stab at a script, and the good news is that you completed a script in 1 week's time.  That's impressive and something to build on.

You need to get your hands on some screenwriting software...I hear alot about Celtix being free and decent.  You need to read a ton of scripts, watch a ton of movies, and figure out exactly how this stuff works.

Love the effort here, but it's not working the way it's written.

Best of luck in the future and don't give up on this.  Like everything, it takes time.
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jwent6688
Posted: February 15th, 2010, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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This is something that would work better as a story, not a screenplay IMO. There's just not enough going on to warrant a camera. The formatting is way off and the story itself is confusing.

That is her body doing on earth if she's really in hell and she's Satan's wife. Hope this helps a little..

James


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grademan
Posted: February 19th, 2010, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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THE ROOM OF DOORS

Odd story, odd formattng, odd to focus on one room, odd instruction at the end, odd to include the name and author in bold at the top of every page.

An odd story that could have been something much more.

Gary
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 20th, 2010, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I am intrigued by this one. I feel that it's a very fine attempt and with some nicks and tucks, you could have something that I would imagine in Soulshadows.

Perhaps the note you have at the end, should come at the beginning, but cut it back in its length.

When you show the story, show camera impressions of the girl in the restaurant. The parts of her body. Her ankles, her fingers etc... This way, you could use some visuals that would interest people.

Right now, it's more like a radio play with nothing to look at and that's why the reviewers above are having difficulty.

Although I'm confused by this, (it's nothing in my world  ) I enjoy the references you've collected and the possibilities of the scenario that I can play with in my own mind regarding Kara's fate.

I feel that you are expressing the world of thought rather than an expressly concrete form and so I have no problem with the room being Hell. In fact, it seems to me perfectly sensible to have this girl hearing what apparently took place already, (past tense) and trapped on the other side of nowhere listening to it and completely angry.

There are questions though. Like why is she going to be Satan's wife? And who is Larry? What killed her? Did she die because she didn't "voice" her opinion? Did she not express herself? Or maybe she can't express herself? Is this whole thing a metaphor of her inability to express herself?

Now there's a cool possibility!!! You see you really do have something here. You just need to bring it out.

Despite other people's dissatisfaction with this, I think you decided to take a very creative route with this and I appreciate that.

Do put more power into taking out typos and raise your bar in that regard.

A for instance:

He gaze goes towards each wall.

That is a real bad one.

Here:

She checks around in a number of flash cuts.

Personally, I'd say try and avoid directing. Unless you're already a director and a writer. Or if you're working with your good friend, Mr. Director who doesn't care.

As said before, formatting etc... needs work but--

It's a good effort,

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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