Eyes in the Dark by Zach Shearer (Zach.scripts) - Short, Horror - A man comes to terms with his lack of humanity. - pdf, format

Oh boy!  Ummm...Hmmm...

OK, so obviously, this is from a very inexperienced writer. Pretty much every mistake possible is on display here.  Big blocks of text (don't go over 4 lines), passive verbiage (write in the active voice and stay away from "ing" verbs), beats are incorrectly used, typos galore, missing words, poor grammar, awkward writing, you name, it' in here.

Dialogue is amazingly stiff and unrealistic.  Scenes are dull and without action.  Most of the script is visually something that would put most to sleep in less time than it plays out.

Story itself is alright, I guess, but the way you went about it didn't help the cause at all.

Keep at it, read all the scripts you can and learn about screenwriting.

You did manage to complete a script in 1 week and it does seem to fit this challenge, so congrats on that.  Sorry to be harsh, but this is mean to help.

I agree with all Jeff said about the technical side of the writing. Read a few scripts on SS and learn the way action and dialogue is done.

BUT...i think the story here was very good! The best part was the Man's (you should name him, by the way) dialogue to the mirror. It had a good feel to it.

There's may too m,uch description in the action lines - we don't really need to know all the movments unless they're vital to the story. and some of the conversational dialogue is clunky.

Yet, this could be a good little short. I think the writer is a newbie who intro'ed himself on another thread. He mentioned being into comedy scripts. Feel free to PM me if you like and we can discuss some stuff.

This was quite good.

I liked the idea of the Man testing himself and the ending worked well.

It dragged a little about 3/4's of the way through. The dialogue with Jack needs improving and you could fill it with more suspense.

However, it's one of the few that seem to fit the genre or the limitations of the medium and it is definitely a creepy little story.

Aside from needing to learn a little bit more about the craft, I thought this was pretty good. Definitely dark so it fits the theme. No major action really so I think it could be easily made into machinima. Overall you did pretty good job on this one. Definitley in the better half of what I've read thus far. James

Quoted from Dreamscale Keep at it, read all the scripts you can and learn about screenwriting. You did manage to complete a script in 1 week and it does seem to fit this challenge, so congrats on that.

All I can do is echo what Jeff said.  Kudos to the Writer for meeting the challenge.  (SPOILER) Nice touch at the end where the Man calls Kim.

P.S. - Never be afraid to take your story to the next level. In the end, I envisioned Kim loading bullets in a gun and saying something like"Bastard gives me the cold shoulder...I'll show him."

Always looking for a double-twist.  But that's just me.

This was pretty good. I think suing the voiceover here was good since he was keeping a diary of sorts. You kept to just the essential scenes, though the two scenes with his roommate in the morning read kind of awkward. Maybe that was the intent.

But it built nicely and had a clever enough ending to it. Well done.

This was a solid effort.  Not fantastic, but good.  

I don't think you have to name him.  I think man works.  

You do need to work on the dialouge.  

Also try to break your descriptions up.  You have big chunks of action.

Nice job though!