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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Collector Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 4th, 2010, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Collector by Shanna Sorrentino - Drama - In a world were body parts are bought and sold, Lawson Reed is forced to come to terms with his occupation as a collector. A collector is person who procures organs, body parts for sale. 106 pages - fdr, format


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kendg8r
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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The premise reminded me of the new release "Repo Men".  I started reading it, but it didn't really grab my interest.  The large blocks of text describing the scene were hard to read - try breaking them up into small paragraphs and/or minimizing word count on those.

On a related note - you have Abbey speaking (p.12) for more than an entire page without any kind of pause.  Monologues are fine, of course, especially if she's the instructor/lecturer. But give the would-be actor memorizing these lines some help here by breaking her dialogue up into smaller chunks - even if it means one-line descriptions that say she's pointing at a chalkboard or looking across the room.

Also, if you're going to have a voice-over narrator to set up the premise (throughout first 10 pages), it might be best to get that out of the way immediately rather than introducing us to a couple characters including the narrator himself first.  Exposition usually works best at the beginning, unless you have attention-grabbing action in the first few pages.

Anyway, I don't want to babble too much.  Those are the things that stick out the most from the quick read I did of the first few pages.
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