The premise reminded me of the new release " Repo Men". I started reading it, but it didn't really grab my interest. The large blocks of text describing the scene were hard to read - try breaking them up into small paragraphs and/or minimizing word count on those. On a related note - you have Abbey speaking (p.12) for more than an entire page without any kind of pause. Monologues are fine, of course, especially if she's the instructor/lecturer. But give the would-be actor memorizing these lines some help here by breaking her dialogue up into smaller chunks - even if it means one-line descriptions that say she's pointing at a chalkboard or looking across the room. Also, if you're going to have a voice-over narrator to set up the premise (throughout first 10 pages), it might be best to get that out of the way immediately rather than introducing us to a couple characters including the narrator himself first. Exposition usually works best at the beginning, unless you have attention-grabbing action in the first few pages. Anyway, I don't want to babble too much. Those are the things that stick out the most from the quick read I did of the first few pages. |