Sleepers by Ed Martin - Short - Four concerned citizens take down a suspected suicide bomber on an early morning subway train. 6 pages - pdf, format

Hi Ed,

I thought this was rather good. I like how you show the dilemma facing the 4 guys in their discussion on whether they should act (or over-react) in that situation, where in the aftermath, everyone fitting that profile can fall under suspicion.

Spoiler



I have to admit feeling suspicious about Harry from the start though. I think it may have been the suitcase that gave it away.  Or it could have been your description of him and his wife - both seemed way too old for their 40s, so it read almost like they were actinrs in costume.

I'm not sure what Harry's motivation was but I guess it doesn't matter, whatever cause, or organisation he's with, as you leave it at the point where the reader can fill in the blamks and see that, in surviving witness accounts of the incident, Fizal will get the blame.

I guess the moral of this story is not to judge by appearances, even though it is understandable to be suspicious of a type. The London underground was quite a nightmare journey for quite a while following  the 7/7 bombngs and young men carrying backpacks on trains after that took the habit of keeping them open by their feet, so people good see the contents and assuage their fears. Unfortunately, John Charles De Menezes never got that chance.

Best with this,

H

The writing here was okay. The story didn't quite work for me because I didn't see any motivation behind the characters' actions. It was as if you decided to include a twist just for the sake of it, but it didn't make sense to me in the context of the story. I think if you included a reason as to why Frank and Sylvia did this then your story would work a lot better.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hi guys. Thanks so much for your comments. Much appreciated. I struggled with the motivational aspect here but decided (maybe in error) to leave that up to the reader's imagination as sometimes there is no political/religious motive just senseless violence. I'll certainly re-look at that aspect. I was also mindful of brevity (once again maybe in error) but being new to this stuff I hope to improve. Once again, thanks for your time.

SPOILERS

It's a clever idea, but it needs to be longer.  We need to invest in Harry's character a little more to be really surprised by the twist.  And yeah, a motive might help.

The decision to tackle this kid with the backpack and hold him down is come to way too quickly.  I don't think anyone would think that way, or jump to that conclusion with nothing to go off of but a sweaty guy with a backpack.  People run to catch the subway all the time.  This wouldn't alarm any avid subway traveler, I wouldn't think.

I'd ditch the wife looking into the camera at the end.  Just reads really cheesy.  In fact, she may not need to say anything at all.  Just seeing her laying out multiple cases is creepy enough.

But solid idea.  Just needs some reworking in my opinion.

My initial thought was that there was going to be a case mix-up and Harry was going to end up with the bomb a la Arlington Road (oops, SPOILER). I agree the aluminum case immediately raises red flags - it's not normal for a business man. They prefer a nice leather bound one I'd imagine.

I like the idea of the couple being a sleeper cell of sorts. The title kind of gives that away (or maybe I'm just suspicious of the supposed protagonist because that ol switch-a-roo has become a little cliche).

I think a series of bombings would be more likely to make the group of friends paranoid and should be hinted at. You should also add that the kid looks Middle Eastern or whatever - we can't just assume it by the name. Right or wrong no ethnic description tells me either White or that it doesn't matter.

And since Harry is the mastermind I would have liked to have seen him be the one to initiate the suspicion of the kid.

Overall I like the story, it has a good message about how fear and paranoia affects judgements, but I would like to see the writing cleaned up a bit.

Original and very true to prejudice society...


I liked it


Writing was only thing that struck me a little..I don't know.

But I enjoyed it nevertheless!

SPOILERS

I liked some aspects of the story. I understand this is a short, but it really needs more expansion all around. I like the idea of people profiling and being racist towards people who don't deserve it. I felt the characters reacted way too quickly in regards to someone who really wasn't that suspicious looking. Just cause your name isn't John Smith and you are sweating while wearing a backpack wouldn't make anyone jump to the conclusion of being a terrorist.

I personally didn't have a problem with the character not having an explained motive for his attack. Now, with this being only 6 pages, I was able to accept that. If it was longer, I feel he would require more depth than he was given.

Overall, a decently executed story with a better concept. I'd like to see it expanded upon and I'd give it another read.

Rob

Hi guys. Sorry for late response. Just got back from Easter break. Thanks so much for your comments. I will take them all on board and improve the whole piece. I guess I was playing into the trap of keeping a short, 'short'. I now realize I need to be more brave. Once again, thanks guys.

Em,

Tense? I'm not. But I can be. I'm sitting here reading. I was sat. But now me sit.

Subject is very now. Which is good. And sadly, it will be prescient tomorrow. I think so at the mo. Which I didn't. Fecks sake. So. Good call there.

Whilst this ain't perfetc it is kinda good. Which was nice. Very. Keep cooking.

R

Hey Rend. Tq for the kind words. Encouraging. I'll take a bite of your sandwich. Here goes.

Ed,
    Please contact me I would like to shoot Sleepers. Thank you

Sergio Valenzuela

Lotuskat2000@yahoo.com

Hi Sergio.

Been trying to contact you, but unable to.

Would you please drop me a line and we can discuss.

Many thanks.

Em.