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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Red Scarf Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 21st, 2010, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Red Scarf by Ari Lardoni - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - The Red Scarf follows a young woman struggling with her emotions after the sudden and shocking death of her fiancee. - pdf, format


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jackx
Posted: March 22nd, 2010, 6:55am Report to Moderator
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By on screen, do you mean  SUPER?  I'm no expert on formatting, but I've never seen it like this.
'sidewalk' is not a complete slug
wares should be wears a fur coat
Having the names look almost exactly alike makes reading their dialogue a pain in the arse.
Didn't really get Ronny repeating tinkle box.  is he making fun of the waitress because that was the final word that she understood?  seems more like bonny should be saying that.
That's should be that sounds good in any language
Just a pet peeve of mine, but till should be 'til, since its abbreviated from until.
"she is beautiful in this light"  was she not before?  I get what you mean, basically a bit of a radiant glamour shot, glowing from love et cetera et cetera, but it reads a bit odd.
Seems like ronny looks the wrong way a little too quickly after looking the right way.  Like he just mentioned it, then two seconds later he forgets?  I would change it, have him looking the wrong way originally, commenting on it, cabs running past him, then giving up for a moment, kissing here, sweet moment, she looks beautiful in that light, then seeing jewelry store, stepping out, dead.  That way there's a little more gap between him mentioning looking the wrong way and getting hit, so its not obviously a set up.  and its  little closer to their sweet moment, giving it a harder impact.
she tries to wipe the blood of his face, s/b off.
also why a new slugline right there?
I would prbably throw an exclamation point after 911
she looks up at the sky and screams?  really?  seems a little sylvester stalloney.
margarett: you'll all I have now:  s/b you're
and thats kind of a presumptuous statement to someone you've never met.
not to be picky, but a hobo is not the same thing as a bum.  and I think you mean bum.
bonny seems pretty open when talking to a random creepy bum.
getting ride of the scarf, s/b rid.
What?  "are you keeping me from him somehow?"  How would margaret be keeping them apart?  that whole dialogue sequence doesnt make much sense to me.  
Also I think you are much to explicit about inferring super powers on the scarf.
Why would margaret tell her to go out into traffic without the scarf?  didnt she just tell her not to do that again?
What?  why is she immortal?  
and dam should be damn, lease should be least
"you see that people"  Who is he talking to?

K, some issues with the story...  A) This isnt science fiction, not sure why its in that category.  b) It makes no sense.  Why is she immortal if it's not the scarf?  c) regardless of why, whats the point of her being immortal?  Theres no resolution to her grief.

I think you went much to literal and explicit for this kind of story.  The beginning was nice and sweet, then it seems like you're building up to some kind of resolution, but just end with more questions than you started with.  
Obviously this is a metaphorical story about grief, sure...  but whats the actual point you're trying to make?

All the bad aside, I did like the beginning, the two of them teasing each other, building up to him getting run down.  Other than the few formatting issues, this was well done.
It was just the second half that didnt make sense.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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TheRichcraft
Posted: March 24th, 2010, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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I too have trouble making sense of this story.  The best that I could come up with is that he is making her an immortal so that his soul can live in her body.  But that's just a guess.  I really didn't know what to make of it.

You may want to put in some commas after all those "Heys."  Proper English would read: "Hey, madam, you forgot your scarf."  Alas, great grammar is hard to find on these boards.
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