Hi Sebastian,
I don't usually read shorts over 10 pages, but I was intrigued by your logline (don't know why).
Like many people submitting their first screenplays on here you are making some very basic mistakes - not necessarily about storytelling, but about writing a screenplay. It may seem pedantic and unimportant, but if you want to write movies....short or long....you need to embrace it.
I only read the first few pages, but here is some advice (from an amateur) that I hope you take:
Your script is poorly formatted. This is extremely easy to correct by simply studying some of the better formatted scripts on here or by buying a screenplay book.
The major difference between writing novels and screenplays is that with screenplays you need to 'show' rather than 'tell'. You can't simply say the grandmother is anxious about getting back to work - you have to 'show' it on screen.
Screenplays are tightly written. They need to be quick and engaging to read, treading a fine balance between just enough description so the reader knows what's happening and leaving the execution of the screenplay to the Director, Cameraman etc.
I hope this helps.
If you're serious study the many scripts on this forum and the reviewers' comments.
Good luck Thornton |