The Lottery by Jason Earle Helgerson (TattooGigolo) - Short, Horror - Bent on revenge a lone soul takes on a force that entraps his town. 9 pages - pdf, format

A question.  Wouldn't the alter wine have poisoned Jerry's body after he changed?

Quoted from TheRichcraft A question.  Wouldn't the alter wine have poisoned Jerry's body after he changed?

Probably, but I'm working under the assumption that his blood was mostly drained. Perhaps I should have made it clearer that he then fed on the bodyguard.

Keep in mind he also refused the wine offered to him by his girlfriend and doesn't kiss her.

I liked this story, though I though it was rushed a little bit.  With a little bit of work, this could be rewritten as a feature.

SPOILERS


A big problem I had with this, though, was with Mikhael.  I thought he was short-changed in his description.  He's a vampire and he's there.  Deal with it everyone.  You really should include more of who he is and what he does between each drawing.  Does he need to feed only twice a year?  Where does he go between feedings?  Couldn't the town prepare for him between these feedings.

The mayor, as you said, just rolled over for Mikhael.  With the exception of the fight between him and the mayor's security guard, there was no resistance, which hurts the story.  Jerry's strategy was clever, too, though altar wine is blessed at mass.  It's not blessed and put away.

The ending was a nice twist.  I didn't see it coming.  Because the story was rushed, unfortunately, the payoff wasn't as big as it could've been.


Phil

@dogglebe -  I agree, it was rushed. There were certain limitations - 10 page max. So I cut quite a bit. Some that would address Mikhael - He was a bit more brutal and explained his grasp on the town. The town is meant to be rather small and set apart from most other places.

I also had an explanation for the altar wine (I was an altar boy). The town's priest took the family under his wing and it is then that he stole the wine... he had been planning it for some time.

Someday I may flesh out the story and expand it to feature length, but for now I'm sick to death of vampires.

Thanks for the tips