Sheepish by Chris Bohlsen - Short, Comedy - Shaun looks over the fence one day to see May. She is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. But he has to get there first. 5 pages - pdf, format

This was a cute read, though it seemed a little long for the payoff.  

My big problem with it, though, was I couldn't picture Shawn falling in the cattle grid; I don't understand what this means.  You should consider explaining this a little more.


Phil

I was glad you went with the dark ending to the overly cute story.  

One big problem:  you introduce the hero sheep as Shaun, but from page 2 on you call him Tom.

I had some trouble picturing all of this too. also how does a sheep show a "come hither" motion. maybe by nodding her head?

i too noticed the shaun to tom conversion. but that was already noted. i like the name shaun better though- which i assumed was a reference to the wallace and gromit creators.

overall, i would shorten this. and be a little more creative overall. like maybe shaun could come up with more imaginative ways- ie order a jetpack from acme wearhouse or something like this. obviously this was meant for animation, so exploit it. do whatever and go where ever.

Not sure what this cattle grid is but can imagine it's some sort of mote, only with a grid over it.

I thought the ending was good to balance the rest of the story out.

Maybe add some dialogue for the sheep?

All the best,


Javier

Like mentioned, the main character shifts from Shaun to Tom. I agree with dogglebe that it does take a long time to get to the payoff. Maybe cut out some of the attempts made by Shaun/Tom to get to May.

Overall, I liked it. The action blocks sometimes get wordy and confusing, but not unreadable. I think it's better that the sheep don't use dialogue, it makes the story cuter and the ending more enjoyable.

This kind of reminded me of Babe, if Babe was squeezed between two slices of rye bread with lettuce and tomatoes by the end of the movie.

-Chong

I like this story. I think the length is just fine. Just fix the tom shaun problem.

Sorry I'm like six months late. Thanks for the positive response everyone.

A cattle grid must be just an Australian thing. It's a big hole in the ground with a series of bars welded over it to form a grid. It means that hooved animals can't walk over it but cars can drive over it. Hence, "cattle grid". It is a very widely used phrase in Australia.

Hey Chris,

Just gave this one a read.  I thought it was a cute little story, and, like some others have mentioned, I kind of enjoyed the dark little twist at the end.

In the way of problems, I think most of them have been covered.  The Shaun/Tom thing jumped out.  Not a big deal though.  It happens.

Ultimately, I think I would cut this down though.  Maybe a couple of less attempts to cross the cattle grid.  Not a big deal, but I think it would work a little better IMO.  

Anyway, like I siad, I particularly enjoyed the ending.  Best of luck.

Craig

Hi Chris,

Like others. I have problems picturing what was going on. I can't imagine in my head that a sheep can make all these things to get himself out.

How does he "falls" between the cattle grid? Do you mean he got stuck?

Page 2 and 3 became very long-winded. I didn't pay much attention to what Tom was doing for the last two times he tried to get out.

And like others. I enjoyed the dark twist at the end.

So not bad, you just need to explain the situation further but with FEWER words. You also need to tighten up page 2 and 3. Maybe get rid of some of Tom's trials.

Herman