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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  An Instrument of Justice Moderators: bert
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  Author    An Instrument of Justice  (currently 3146 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: May 9th, 2010, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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An Instrument of Justice by MatŪas Caruso (Mr. Z) - Short, Supernatural, Western - It was a peaceful afternoon at The Sheriff's office... until The Miss walked in. 6 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
SimplyScripts  -  May 25th, 2010, 8:14pm
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Angry Bear
Posted: May 9th, 2010, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Great story, great pacing! great dialogue! You rule! Seriously!  (me bowing)


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Mr.Z
Posted: May 9th, 2010, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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You bowing? I wanna see a picture of that. Glad you enjoyed it.

I see you posted Bad Juju. Is the MP version or you did a rewrite? Let me know so I can pop in and leave some comments.

And girl, I had sexual fantasies involving cowgirls way before reading Savage Frontier.

And I hate you too, by the way.


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screenrider
Posted: May 9th, 2010, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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Pia was right.  Very impressive, Mr. Z,...the writing flowed, the story was easy to visualize.  Makes me wanna run out and have a showdown at the OK Corral.   Seems like maybe there could've been a better ending though.   A twist within the twist.  But that's just me.   It'd be nice to see this filmed.  You should definitely shop it around.
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sniper
Posted: May 10th, 2010, 1:40am Report to Moderator
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Everybody hates MatŪas.

That's what I'm talking about! Mr. Z is back, y'all. Man, you're the Leo Messi of script writers, what you do looks so stunning and is impossible to duplicate. Loved Lydia - Lydia is hot. Seriously. She really is an instrument of justice. Liked the Sheriff too, cool cat that dude.

The ending was maybe a bit rushed considering the build-up but I get it and there's really not much more to say.

A question: What was the theme for this MP script. I read Pia's JuJu script as well (and imagine it was for the same comp) and both of your scripts featured inanimate objects that are somehow not that inanimate. Was that the challenge?

Stay frosty
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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harrietb
Posted: May 10th, 2010, 6:17am Report to Moderator
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Terrific script. Really like your style of wriitng.
Best,

H


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jwent6688
Posted: May 10th, 2010, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Good rich characters, fine writing...

First of your I've read. Impressed. The ending does leave alot to the imagination. Did she kill the Sheriff with Lydia? Did her give her the gun to kill the outlaw instead.

Great read, Very enjoyable.


James


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Mr.Z
Posted: May 11th, 2010, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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Thanks screenrider, Rob, harrietb, and jwent. I appreciate the read. And the hate.  

Looks like the ending could use some work. Damn, endings are hard.


Quoted from sniper
What was the theme for this MP script. I read Pia's JuJu script as well (and imagine it was for the same comp) and both of your scripts featured inanimate objects that are somehow not that inanimate. Was that the challenge?


This wasnít written for MP, itís just something I wrote on the side. But youíre right, there was recently a challenge in which the theme consisted of bringing back a body or inanimate object to life.

Donít put my name and Messiís in the same sentence, by the way. Iím not worthy.  


Quoted from jwent6688
Did she kill the Sheriff with Lydia? Did her give her the gun to kill the outlaw instead.


The sheriff convinces the miss that itís the outlaw the one who deserves to die. So the miss kills the outlaw (not the sheriff).


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sniper
Posted: May 11th, 2010, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Z
Donít put my name and Messiís in the same sentence, by the way. Iím not worthy.

Yeah, you're right.  


Quoted from Mr.Z
The sheriff convinces the miss that itís the outlaw the one who deserves to die. So the miss kills the outlaw (not the sheriff).

I thought it was the gun (Lydia) that convinces The Miss.


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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bert
Posted: May 11th, 2010, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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I concur with those previous.  Top notch.  Absolutely wonderful...

...until that last, confounded scene.

There just isn't enough there, Z.

Everything before that scene is so good and so complete -- and that revolving chamber transporting us to a brand new locale is perhaps what makes it feel rushed.

I would encourage you to experiment with the exact, same set-up -- but add the outlaw to the scene.

Maybe in an adjacent jail cell?  Lydia reveals him to us -- the actual guy, not the poster.  The sheriff has captured him -- and did not even know it.

Then we can know the outlaw.  Involve him in the conversation -- make it a 3-way conversation instead of a 2-way conversation -- and then the Miss has to make her choice.  Right there, on the spot.

I think that would give this the resonance it is missing without adding a great deal in length.

My thoughts, anyway.  Hate the Z.  



Coming Soon:††Nowheresville
The new short script from Robert Newcomer

Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Angry Bear
Posted: May 11th, 2010, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from sniper

A question: What was the theme for this MP script. I read Pia's JuJu script as well (and imagine it was for the same comp) and both of your scripts featured inanimate objects that are somehow not that inanimate. Was that the challenge?

The MP comp was to bring something dead alive...mine was the voodoo doll. This one was not in that comp. I bet he wrote this one on a lark to irritate all of us who are trying to get better.


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Mr.Z
Posted: May 11th, 2010, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from sniper
I thought it was the gun (Lydia) that convinces The Miss.


True. It was more of a team work, actually. Both the sheriff and his precious Lydia convince the Miss.


Quoted from bert
I would encourage you to experiment with the exact, same set-up -- but add the outlaw to the scene.


This is an interesting idea. On one hand, I love it, because it would add a richer dynamic to the story and allow me to finish it without having to switch locations. I really want to use this butÖ

On the other hand, if the outlaw is already caught, the miss would know right from the start that she canít collect that bounty anymore, and there would be no point in killing him. UnlessÖ

The sheriff frees the outlaw making it look like the bastard escaped, so the miss can whack him and collect the $. Or maybe this is too contrived. Writing is hard, dammit.

And stop saying you hate me, all of you. I know you love me.  


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ajr
Posted: May 11th, 2010, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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Okay, so I learned something by reading this, which is about the best compliment I can pay you.

The style is very interesting in that on the surface it appears to contain unfilmables, but what it does is evoke images which themselves are filmable. Extremely cool...

As for the story, you managed to create a supernatural, noirish Western in five pages - again, no easy feat.

And though Sniper says your style is impossible to duplicate, I know one writer that may blatantly and unashamedly try...

Nice job - Anthony


http://pro.imdb.com/title/tt2179059/ click here to visit GRAND AVENUE'S IMDB page
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bert
Posted: May 11th, 2010, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Z
On the other hand, if the outlaw is already caught, the miss would know right from the start that she can't collect that bounty anymore, and there would be no point in killing him. Unless...


No -- the way I envision this is the sheriff spins ol' Lydia -- and it points to a jail cell O.S. -- the Sheriff realizes who he actually has in that cell -- the Miss turns to follow the gun -- and there is the Outlaw -- revealed for the first time.

"The bounty is still good," the Outlaw tells her, "Just get me outta' here."

And take it from there.  I really think it could work.



Coming Soon:††Nowheresville
The new short script from Robert Newcomer

Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Mr.Z
Posted: May 11th, 2010, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert


No -- the way I envision this is the sheriff spins ol' Lydia -- and it points to a jail cell O.S. -- the Sheriff realizes who he actually has in that cell -- the Miss turns to follow the gun -- and there is the Outlaw -- revealed for the first time.

"The bounty is still good," the Outlaw tells her, "Just get me outta' here."


Yeah, this is how I understood it, and I'm very fond of this scenario. I was talking about the other bounty though. Not the one offered for the sheriff's head, but the one offered for the outlaw's head.

Still, this is a great angle to consider. Thanks.



Oh, and thanks for the review, ajrscreenworks.


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