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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Song Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 9th, 2010, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Song by Eric Hansen - Short - All you need is a song 3 pages - pdf, format


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 9th, 2010, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Holy shit!!!!! Holy shit moment!!!

Oh Baby, just do a bit of underlining and punch this up the way you can and you will have it.

I completely felt this one because though I'm not a custodian, I played guitar  in those long-lost days and years ago I had written a lot of songs. Truth is, I sang on Granville street in Vancouver and had people standing around and we were "One with the Universe". That's what happens when you borrow the street guy's guitar and start to play your song.

I goof off a lot, but I love music and maybe some day I'll come back to it and work with a band. My guitar teacher, (bless his heart) had pushed me a lot. It was Spanish guitar classical style I started with and damn it, but I gave it up. Nevertheless, I remember him as much as I remember Mr. Brown, a teacher who actually made me love grammar!!!

How many people do you know who could sit down and enjoy sentence diagramming? I can. Weird. Totally weird.

Anyways Eric, you just take this to the next level. I feel what you've got here and that's what's important.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Ledbetter
Posted: May 9th, 2010, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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I thought was good. Not holy Shit good, but good but no dialog. You could have the girl actually say something while she is trying to sing.

I also am not sure of the signifgance of finding Michael Jackson and Charlie Chaplin pictures in the dumpster.

In the end, she simply gives up again and leaves. Where is the payoff? You know possibly put a note of hope in it as though the rythems she heard inspired her to catch a note in her head that can further her dream.

Where did the guitar come from?

When she starts to improvises a monaloge of her life, this would be an excellent time for dialog as well.

You know " I'm a janator, with this broom in hand, my guitar and I cannot stand"
Something, that gives the moment a that's it feeling.

Nice thoughts, really they are, but this would be really great if you give her a voice.

Shawn.....><
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rendevous
Posted: May 9th, 2010, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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I see you're not getting enough reads.

With a title like that you think you would. I read. And it's good.

Vortually dialogue free. Now that makes a fucking pleasant change.

Good work here. Needs a bit of refining, in my humble. More space. That shite makes a difference. Trust me, I've heard from the big boys. Space is important. And we ain't talking trips to Asteroids. Or Mars. As GWB prcomised. Shaved fucking chimp lying git.

BP. Need I say more? thought not. Palin. Pretty gobshite. Nothing more. Where is Bill Hicks when you need him. Oh shit. Can anybody fill the gap? Thought not.

Enough. I mean me. My dinner is ready. I work late. More please. More space too. Good work here. I'll be watching.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 9th, 2010, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from rendevous
I see you're not getting enough reads.

With a title like that you think you would. I read. And it's good.

Vortually dialogue free. Now that makes a fucking pleasant change.

Good work here. Needs a bit of refining, in my humble. More space. That shite makes a difference. Trust me, I've heard from the big boys. Space is important. And we ain't talking trips to Asteroids. Or Mars. As GWB prcomised. Shaved fucking chimp lying git.

BP. Need I say more? thought not. Palin. Pretty gobshite. Nothing more. Where is Bill Hicks when you need him. Oh shit. Can anybody fill the gap? Thought not.

Enough. I mean me. My dinner is ready. I work late. More please. More space too. Good work here. I'll be watching.

R





A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Inquiringmind
Posted: May 10th, 2010, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.

Holy shit!!!!! Holy shit moment!!!

Oh Baby, just do a bit of underlining and punch this up the way you can and you will have it.

I completely felt this one because though I'm not a custodian, I played guitar  in those long-lost days and years ago I had written a lot of songs. Truth is, I sang on Granville street in Vancouver and had people standing around and we were "One with the Universe". That's what happens when you borrow the street guy's guitar and start to play your song.

I goof off a lot, but I love music and maybe some day I'll come back to it and work with a band. My guitar teacher, (bless his heart) had pushed me a lot. It was Spanish guitar classical style I started with and damn it, but I gave it up. Nevertheless, I remember him as much as I remember Mr. Brown, a teacher who actually made me love grammar!!!

How many people do you know who could sit down and enjoy sentence diagramming? I can. Weird. Totally weird.

Anyways Eric, you just take this to the next level. I feel what you've got here and that's what's important.

Sandra
Thanks Sandra I am really glad you liked it. Todate I have found a producer who is helping me get the script off the ground.

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Inquiringmind
Posted: May 10th, 2010, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ledbetter
I thought was good. Not holy Shit good, but good but no dialog. You could have the girl actually say something while she is trying to sing.

I also am not sure of the signifgance of finding Michael Jackson and Charlie Chaplin pictures in the dumpster.

In the end, she simply gives up again and leaves. Where is the payoff? You know possibly put a note of hope in it as though the rythems she heard inspired her to catch a note in her head that can further her dream.

Where did the guitar come from?

When she starts to improvises a monaloge of her life, this would be an excellent time for dialog as well.

You know " I'm a janator, with this broom in hand, my guitar and I cannot stand"
Something, that gives the moment a that's it feeling.

Nice thoughts, really they are, but this would be really great if you give her a voice.

Shawn.....><
Thanks Ledbetter for the feedback. It is my first draft so I know it needs some work.

There will be a monologue, but I didn't put it in because I wanted it to be improvised by the actress. The song will be written once the part is casted.

I could give the descriptions more space so it doesn't look like all clustered.

The michael jackson and charlie chaplin posters were meant to inspire the main character to making up a song on the spot.  

The pay off is the main character over coming her writers block and making up a song.

The ending is a little anticlimatic so I could just end it with her finishing her song.

Once again thanks for your feedback. I owe you a read.

  

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Inquiringmind
Posted: May 10th, 2010, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rendevous
I see you're not getting enough reads.

With a title like that you think you would. I read. And it's good.

Vortually dialogue free. Now that makes a fucking pleasant change.

Good work here. Needs a bit of refining, in my humble. More space. That shite makes a difference. Trust me, I've heard from the big boys. Space is important. And we ain't talking trips to Asteroids. Or Mars. As GWB prcomised. Shaved fucking chimp lying git.

BP. Need I say more? thought not. Palin. Pretty gobshite. Nothing more. Where is Bill Hicks when you need him. Oh shit. Can anybody fill the gap? Thought not.

Enough. I mean me. My dinner is ready. I work late. More please. More space too. Good work here. I'll be watching.

R
Thanks rendevous for the read. I agree the spacing is a little clustered. I will fix it. I will also consider revising my ending. I hope you enjoyed your dinner!

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jwent6688
Posted: May 10th, 2010, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Pg. 1 "after words" fix to "afterwards"

Pg. 2
"Suddenly the custodian
gets up and runs to her guitar"

We were left to believe she was kneeling beside it.

Typo's aside, this was just okay for me. I got that she may have once been a struggling artist. Would have liked something a little more drastic to inspire her to write at first.

Could be good if well directed, using the sounds of the school in rhythym.

I'll be honest though. I dread the thought of letting an actress improvise the monologue. Could be a disaster. You're the writer, she's your character. I think you could write it better then anyone else...

Solid work...   James


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Forgive
Posted: May 30th, 2010, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Well, a tad more popular than 'Range Road'. I also there was a little (something) beautiful about this, but it was also scattered with flaws:
1. p1. The woman drags the large garbage bag down the hallway. It makes a dragging sound. - Just didn't sit for me.
2. p1. with a load grunt. - Attention to detail...
3. p1. ...his fist in the air in front of a large crowed holding a microphone [sic].
4. p2 She drags her guitar to the side of the gym and lays it down like a wounded animal. - this just drew a blank for me; I had no idea how this could be done.
5. p3. She picks up her broom and her guitar. - Check the previous couple of lines, 'cos she has already picked it up.
So - there is idea and there is execution - lovely, tender idea, full of feeling and care - and to be honest it deserved a little more attention from you.
Simon
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24 Grams
Posted: June 6th, 2010, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hi all,

For me too it was just ok.

I would caution on the actress improvising with the monologue or the song being written up after the casting, what if you don't like what she's come up with? Even if this was the case it would just take up more time and besides what's wrong with writing up a monologue and a song now? It would probably be changed during filming...But it will make the script more enjoyable to read.


Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
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jayrex
Posted: June 6th, 2010, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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For me, I didn't like it.  As the dialogue was missing I wasn't engaged with the script and felt like an outsider looking in.

It struck me that this short read like one massive montage.

I see that after words was picked up.  I Pod should be iPod.

All the best,


Javier


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rendevous
Posted: June 6th, 2010, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jayrex
For me, I didn't like it.  As the dialogue was missing I wasn't engaged with the script and felt like an outsider looking in.

It struck me that this short read like one massive montage.

I see that after words was picked up.  I Pod should be iPod.

All the best,


Javier


This fella here makes some good points. Two sides to a coin, and evry story. And you can't please every one. Hell, you have a job pleasing half of them atta time. But, if you do well, you have a winner! Go and see matron and get another bita tuck young un. Er, they didn't say that at my school. They said "Feck off!"

R x


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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James R
Posted: June 6th, 2010, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Supper time!

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Hey Eric. Being somewhat of a musician myself (at least in my younger years) I had to read this one.

I wonder, why would a custodian have her guitar with her while she was at work cleaning up after a prom? And if she had neglected her voice for years, would she really keep her guitar with her? And the years of neglect makes it seem like she would be older than mid-thirties.

Also, there are a lot of grammatical errors (many of which have been caught by previous posters). Try to avoid -ing words in your descriptions. Instead of:


Quoted Text
It is the day after a high school prom, and decorations are still hanging clumsily off the walls.

Maybe you could write:

The day after prom. Decorations hang from the walls.

Keep it succinct and to the point. We tend to get overly descriptive when we see a picture in our heads (myself definitely included).

And I wonder about the setting, why the day after a prom? There could very easily be some significance to that.

I liked the idea a lot and the execution wasn't bad. Keep us updated as to where this goes.

James


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albinopenguin
Posted: June 7th, 2010, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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definitely a good read and pretty well written (minus some mistakes which were already pointed out).

my biggest problem, which a few people pointed out, was the emergence of the guitar. i cant imagine the audience seeing this on screen and not saying WTF?! when she appears with a guitar in her hands. so to fix this i would play on the fact that its the day after prom. perhaps a live band played the night before and left their equipment there over night? kind of unlikely but more likely than a janitor who takes a guitar to work with her.

obviously theres a lot of writing left to do in the script. i need to know what the "monologue" is about before i decide to sympathize with the janitor. so without the monologue, you have a really big piece of the puzzle missing. and that monologue and song is either going to win the audience over or cause them to forget about the entire film after theyve seen it.

id definitely be interested in seeing how this turns out on film. i dont think theres a middle ground here- you either pull it off and pull it off well or it flops.


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