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Crack'd by Graham Murray - Short, Action, Adventure - A young woman learns that mirrors do more than reflect. They also reveal. Especially murder. 50 pages - pdf, format
You dropped a fifty pager on us. out of the blue... From three pagers? I think you should read more to get this one a looksee. Haven't seen your name on the boards too much other then YOUR responses.
When I'm Sober tomorrow, I'll read it. Whom I kidding, but if it sucks... I'LL SHALL RAIN DOWN FURRY UPON YOU!
Don't get why you continually cap the characters. Just their intro is all that this is needed in.
pg. 8 "He’s about as interesting as a train wreck." - I myself would find one quite interesting. Bad dialogue IMO. Maybe "He's about as interesting as an insurance seminar"??
Some very on the nose dialogue SHAWNA Oh, yeah. I forgot. What's up with that, anyway?
Done too often. the characters obviously know each other. Would like a better way to find out about her sit-in.
pg. 14, Shawna on phone should have (V.O.) next to her dialogue block.
pg 22. MICA I can. How about tulips on an organ?
Lotsa jokes we've already heard before, Not original. as well as "Two pigs wrestling under a blanket." I loathe regurgitated jokes. Come up with your own.
Did enjoy the sexual banter between the gals...
MICA Tell you what? Shouldn't be a ? to end that... pg. 27
Easy with the CU's man. It's a fucken spec script. Just cap something if we need to notice it.
pg. 35 MICA I knew it! I just knew it. I've told him a hundred times not to drive at night. She looks at officer ATKINS. MICA His eyes aren't as good as they used to be, you know. But will he listen? No. He keeps—-
I think Mica's second dialogue box should have a (CONT'D) next to it. You just interjected her dialogue with an action. Not much of one by the way...
pg. 47 ATKINS I have to admit, I can't either. I'd end up looking like Buffo the Clown!
Can't imagine the police joking at a time like this...
Okay, now done with me nit-picking. You've got a fucken great story here. Not gonna post any spoilers. You write very well. And you're in love with it. I honestly think this would translate into about 25 minutes worth of film. Your descriptions can definitely be trimmed.
Gotta hand it to ya, didn't see it coming. Your dialogue could use some work. and again, your too descriptive, but fine work here. Glad I read it.
James
P.S. I do think you should be more active on these boards though, you're a good writer. You should read some others. Just to mention a few... Look for ME(Pia), Dogglebee, Cam17, Bert, Colkurtz8... just a few of my fave writers here. Their feedback is priceless. Could help you make good into great.
Graham, I tried to give this a read, based on James' positive buzz. Afraid I don 't agree at all about this being well written, etc.
Many, many mistakes going on over and over again, on every page. So much of your action prose is extremely passive and sounds terrible. WAY WAY too much detail going on everywhere. WAY WAY too much meaningless and actually irritating dialogue. For some reason, you aren't skipping lines in many instances when you're starting a new passage. Typos, misspellings, awkward phrasing...you name it, it's here.
A few of the worst examples are...
1) Using "argh" as actual dialogue. This is usually reserved for comic books. Seriously, unless someone is joking around, who says "argh" other than a frickin' pirate?
2) "kerb" used again and again. It's spelled "curb".
3) The constant, never ending talking on a cell phone and texting on a cell phone. These are 2 of the most irritating visuals imaginable in a movie. I mean, seriously, think about it. Who wants to watch someone continuously holding a phone to their ear and talking? Same with texting, only that's actually more irritating and dull to watch.
OK, sorry for the rant. Anyway, I stopped after 10 whole pages. Why? Because just about nothing had happened. The actual important information, and fairly interesting visuals/plot/story that took place in 10 pages could easily have been handled in about 3 pages max, probably even less actually. You are overwriting literally everything, every scene, every dialogue exchange...EVERYTHING!
Sorry, I can't go on. What did I learn here? I learned that Mica and her friend Shawna both have about the same sized breasts, which are large. Not sure about Shawna's nipples, but Mica's sound really nice. Although Mica is 19, her parents act as if she's in her early teens, and it seems like Mica and her parents have just met for the first time this morning for breakfast.
Sorry to be harsh but this needs alot of attention.
I stopped after 10 whole pages. Why? Because just about nothing had happened.
I don't blame you, I struggled to get through it. The funny thing is, this fucker actually has a decent payoff if you can make it there.
But the fact that you didn't continue is something the author needs to consider. You get ten pages as told. I wouldn't have read the whole thing lest Cornetto put me to the challenge. Was ready to quit several times. Should concern you.
Yeah? Maybe I'll try and get through a few more pages, but at 50 pages, it's WAY to long to be a short and WAY too short to be a feature.
I'm pretty sure this is most likely a 15-20 page script, if written properly.
Col and Graham...sorry about the "kerb" thing, but it sure looks wrong to me, especially as it's used like 3 or 4 times in 1 page.
I don't know, so I'm asking...so in school, are you taught to spell "curb" as "kerb"? What about "tire" and tyre"? Is it slang you're referring to or actual proper spelling?
Col and Graham...sorry about the "kerb" thing, but it sure looks wrong to me, especially as it's used like 3 or 4 times in 1 page.
I don't know, so I'm asking...so in school, are you taught to spell "curb" as "kerb"? What about "tire" and tyre"? Is it slang you're referring to or actual proper spelling?
Nope, it’s not wrong, Jeffrey, just a different way of spelling it, similar to "colour" or "favourite".
The pneumatic rubber band you mention that goes around wheels is indeed spelt "tyre". I would associate "tire" with feeling run down or weary but I‘ve heard it being used before in the “pneumatic rubber band” context...and no, none of the above examples would be considered slang, just correct spelling...on our side of the pond.
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