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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  All The Pretty Dead Girls Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 14th, 2010, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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All The Pretty Dead Girls by Marvin K. Perkins (marvink) - Horror - Sue Barlow is an average girl living a lie, unaware of her family heritage. Only when girls at her college go missing does she discover she is an intrical part of an attempt to bring about the end of days. This is an adaptation of the book John Manning.    163 pages - pdf, format


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: May 24th, 2010, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Marvink, how are you?

Maybe you have read over the below link.  If you have, I'd suggest you read it again because it makes some very good points that you might have missed.  And if you hadn't, then may I recommend it.  It seems like you tried to pile everything from the book into, "All The Pretty Girls."  

165 pages, not good.  You have a lot of overly described scenes and if you trim most of them, you can easily cut fifteen pages off this.  Then you'll have to go back and take out what you really don't need, because you want to get this under 120 pages.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/WR_CS_novel_to_screenplay.html

I once read...

You have adverb-itis, and this overuse of adverbs bogs down what would otherwise be a much better flowing script.  Examples include; 'slowly' 'brightly' 'respectfully' 'seductively' and the list goes on. "Harlan Ellison states that adverbs are weak, and deliberate verbs remove their need."  

I'd only use them in moderation.  Parentheticals should be short, to the point, descriptive, and only used when absolutely necessary; overkill on these things (wrylies).

All the ones you have on page#5 can go. Examples; "smiling and holding out her hand", "shaking Malika's hand and looking around the room", "smiling and wheeling her suitcase over to the pile of boxes."  I'd make every last one of those an action line instead.

Your description of Malika, I'd modify it somewhat.  Is it important that she's five feet?  I wouldn't be surprised if that alone came from the novel itself.   I wouldn't throw in height unless it's important.

When you first introduce us to Officer Perry Holland, just use his name as the character cue right off the bat.  The reason why I say that is because you start off with Officer as his character cue, then when he re-enters the picture on page#16, not only are you using "Perry," as his new cue, but now he's a deputy Sheriff.  If he's a deputy Sheriff, then I'd state that instead of Officer on page#3.  He seems kind of strange too.  A little too strange.

Page#10 at the bottom, when you first introduce davenport, way too long.  I'd split that up atleast, if not "can" most of that paragraph.  Also, same page, "At promptly eight."  (How are we suppose to now this?) I'd get rid of that.  Is it important?  If it is, then have him glance at his watch or a clock on the wall.

I read up to page#32.  It looks like a nice solid attempt, if anything good practice.

Like I said earlier, this will need to be trimmed.  If you go back and do re-writes keep that in mind.  

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter


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marvink
Posted: May 24th, 2010, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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Ghostwriter, thanks buddy. These are the type of tips I needed. I actually cut out eighteen pages from the original script, believe it or not. I did do this as practicice as you say and found doing an adaptation a very difficult time consuming endeavor. But I enjoyed the work. I see what you mean about the adverbs and  the descriptions. These are the type of suggestions I needed. As always I appreciate your help.  Marvin.
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malcolm3
Posted: May 25th, 2010, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Marv,

I will try and get to this the weekend. I've already had a quick skim through and Ghostwriters advice not withstanding, I can already tell you this is a massive improvement on some of your previous works. You've made leaps and bounds in your scripts and I for one applaud you for your determination. Keep em coming mate, your nearly there.

Last year I tried to convert one of my own manuscripts into a screenplay and completely mullered it, so I know how hard it can be.
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marvink
Posted: May 25th, 2010, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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Malcolm, thanks for your comments and your time. I really appreciate the encouragement. I really need it sometimes. I have learned so much from the fantastic writers on the board. They can be harsh sometime but always fair. I have learned so much from my work on simply scripts.

   It is much more difficult to do an adaptation than i thought at first. Trimming over five hindred pages down to a hundred and twenty or less and trying to stay true to the book is not easy. But like I said, I really enjoyed it and learned a lot.

   Hope you get a chance to read some more, I would really love to hear some suggestions on trimming it down. Thanks again, Marvin.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 27th, 2010, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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This read more like a director's script than a regular script.  So many camera angles.  I think if you lose most of them, that will wittle down the script.

You need to lose some of the characters from the novel as well.  I couldn't keep track of most of them, and it was distracting trying to remember who was who.

I know adapting from one media to screenplay form is hard.  I got clobbered on here when I did my Legion of Super-Heroes script because it was over 150 pages.  But it had 12 super-heroes, 5 super-villains, and lots of supporting characters.  I think I did pretty good all things considered.

Now what I want to know is, why did this story appeal to you that you wrote this scrpt?  Have your other scripts also been adaptations or orignal stories?  Is this one very faithful to the book?  Or did you go out on your own tangent?

Anyway, if you're a comic-book fan, you might like my Air Command story on this week's post, and my continuing series called Hawkins and Dover.  Coming soon will be my one-page script The Vamp and the gay and ghostly Spook.
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marvink
Posted: May 28th, 2010, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Richcraft, thanks for your comments. I'm not sure whast camera angles you are referring to. I , as a rule avoid those. Also, having not read the book. it is easy for you to say to lose some of the characters. But in reality it would be very difficult, especially the major characters.

   I chose this book to adapt because it was by an unknown author and it wasn't on the New Yorks Times best seller list or any other list of thatsort. Also I liked the story as well. I still hope to pitch it to the author if i can ever make contact with him.

   I will check out your post when I get a chance. Thanks again, Marvin.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 28th, 2010, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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I would cut out the scene where Sue gets a ticket.  Nothing really major there that can not have exposition dialogue placed elsewhere.

Now I'm tempted to read this book just to see what I can cut down.
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marvink
Posted: May 29th, 2010, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Richcraft, good idea. I guess I could cut out that scene without losing much, thanks.  Marvin.  
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malcolm3
Posted: May 30th, 2010, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Marv,

This is a difficult one to critique without reading the book,, which you obviously tried to stay as true to the author as you possibly could. That having been said, there's a great deal you can trim down without touching the essence of the story.

Example: Page 1

SUE(V.O)
(annoyed)
I’ll have to turn around at the
next exit and come back. But they
should have it better marked.

Totally unnecessary (V.O), in fact 90% of Sue's (V.O)s are not required.

Another example:

SUE(V.O.)
I love this car... It was so nice
of my grandparents to give it to me
for graduation.

Remember, She tells Malika this later on.

Yet again:

SUE(V.O.)
I must have imagined it. My mind
was playing tricks on me, that’s
all that was. I’m more tired than I thought from getting up early and
the long drive up here. It’s my
first time away from home, and I’m
nervous and a little jumpy.

A couple of expressive looks from Sue should cover this without a word. Any actress worth her salt could do this.

You've started to use (wrylies) and (V.O) as a form of Direction. Let the Actors act, the Producers produce and the Directors direct; that's what they get payed for.

Examples:

(smiling respectfully) (smiling seductively)

Parenthesis should be used only when absolutely neccessary.

Ghostwriter has already mentioned about not changing introductions, so I won't labour the point. By the way, I don't agree with Richcraft on the ticket scene. As the hook is on page 1 and we already know something supernatural is going on, Perry could easily be one of the villains at this point. I would have written in a sinister look or piece of dialogue to keep us guessing.

I like the twist that Perry finds out that Sue is the spawn of Satan before they get together. Us guys normally don't find that kind of thing out till after we're married (ha ha).

The dialogue (duologue) with Malika is heavy handed and needs trimming right back.

The dialogue is heavy throughout the script. You really need to be severe here Marve and cut it right back.

Lots and lots of action lines are over descriptive and in a lot of cases serve no purpose.

Example:

While applause fills the auditorium JOYCE DAVENPORT walks
across the stage to the podium as if she owns it. She is
wearing a tight black off-the-shoulder dress that barely
reaches her thighs. She has long thin legs on top of a pair
of "come fuck me " pumps. Her shoulders are narrow and
bony, and her arms are long and thin. Her hair is thick,
long, black and all the same length.

You can give the same description of this scene in half the words.

Listen to the advice Ghostwriter has given on the adverbs.

Write positively, trim back everything with better description and fewer words and lose all the unnecessary stuff and I can see you dropping 40 pages no problem.

PM me if you do the rewrite, it would be nice to see this finished, even if only as an exercise.

Good luck Marve.
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marvink
Posted: May 30th, 2010, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Malcolm, thanks a lot for the read. I see I still have lots of work to do on this one. I will PM.  you when and if I ever finish this one, which I probably will, just not sure when. Thanks again.  Marvin.
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JCShadow
Posted: June 7th, 2010, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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I read the entire script and took about four pages of notes. I agree with everything Ghostwriter22 already said so I won't rehash those thoughts except for one. But for starters this script was good enough to 1. make me want to check out the book and read it. 2. Believe this novel would make for a good movie and 3. props for taking on an adaptation of a novel. I don't think I have the will power to do it and I have heard from those who have it is a real nightmare because you basically have to gut the story and but what mess will fit back in a much smaller cavity.

Like mentioned, you abuse your wrylies (parentheticals). These should only be used as very brief directions or actions for the character consisting of two to three words at most. Instead of the way you have them, do this instead:

MALIKA
Are you Sue? I'm Malika.


Sue shakes Malika's hand. She looks around the room and gestures toward her pile of boxes.

SUE
Hi...Is this my side?

MALIKA
I hope you don't mind. I got here
Friday...so I picked this side of
the room. I like to be close to the
bathroom.


Sue smiles and wheels her suitcase over to the pile of boxes.

SUE
That's fine.


She climbs onto her bed and moans.

SUE (CONT'D)
I don't even want to think about
unpacking.


One big thing that really slows down the action is all those voice overs where the characters are having these moments of inner dialogue. In my opinion, at least here, these don't work on any level. They are more distracting than anything and pull the reader out of the story. There is a LOT of this going on across almost ALL of the characters. If they can't say it in a conversation or you can't show it in your narrative, cut it.

Your use of ellipses in the narrative description is very unnecessary and is usually only found in dialogue. I understand why you use them but writing creatively can accomplish the same thing.

The dialogue is way too wordy and could easily be trimmed down. You also seem to be trying to pack too much into each scene. For instance on page 7 Sue says:

MALIKA
So if your Grandparents gave you a
car, you must be a little rich
girl...What did Mommy and Daddy get
you.

SUE
My parents are dead.

MALIKA
(apologetically)
I'm sorry, Sue, I didn't--

SUE
Of course you didn't. How would you
know?


Sue stands, moving from the bed to the window. She gazes
down at the green campus, watching a group of girls across
the grass.

SUE(CONT'D)
My parents died in a car accident
when I was very young...I don't
remember them at all. But my mother
went to school here. I suppose
that's the biggest reason why my
grandparents sent me here as well.


For starters, the two have established her grandparents bought her the car AND that her mom died so there is no need for each of them to parrot this information. The scene could be trimmed to something like this:

MALIKA
You must be a little rich
girl... What did Mommy and Daddy get
you?

SUE
They died when I was young... I
don't remember them.

MALIKA
(apologetically)
I'm sorry, Sue, I didn't--

SUE
Know? How could you?


Sue stands, moving from the bed to the window. She gazes
down at the green campus, watching a group of girls across
the grass.

SUE(CONT'D)
My mother went to Wilbourne. Now I'm
here too.


On page 11, you have a new slug even though we are in the same location during the same time. It is Davenports speech and when you change focus to the girls in the audience just indicate the focus switch in your narrative instead of using a slug to avoid any possible confusion on the readers part.

Nothing in the first 10 page pulls you in and even by page 30 there isn't any action to keep the reader going. I would have started the script out with Bonnie and whatever happens to her and ending with Sue's dream or starting with Sue's driving to college. You could almost ax the first 21 pages or cut most of it and add it in after the opening. The script will often times be very different than the novel, things happen at different paces and you don't always have to stay truthful to the linear time line the book follows.

Some of the character description seem too excessive, especially the ones who aren't even necessary to carry the story forward. You also have way too many characters here and like I mentioned, some of them aren't really even needed. Just keep the ones that are crucial to the core of your story.

Some of your scenes way too long. I think I counted one of them going to eight or nine pages. That is eight minutes of screen time. Doing some of the stuff mentioned above will probably naturally cut this down but a good long scene is still only around two or three pages.

Some of your character cues and narrative are all over the place. In the entire script Dr. Marshall goes from Virginia Marshall to Dr. Marshall to Ginny To Dr Marshall. Introduce her once with one name. Keep it the same throughout your narrative. If another character wants to call her Ginny, fine but I would stick to the name by which you first introduced her as far as narrative description goes. See page 64. The narrative refers to her by nick name instead of character name.

The horrible snapshots in page 89 where Sue is imagining Billy and Heidi together does not work and distracts from the story AND the scene. And on page 90 sue says,' He never tried to get me to sleep with him. Why? Is there something wrong with me?' Talk about out of left field. This IS the first date right. There IS no past between these two, right? Or was there in the novel?

That scene on page 104 came from way beyond left field and the last sentence in that narrative (The LADY with the lion, takes him home, to be with his wife...Miles is at peace, at last) cant actually be shown so cut it. Lots of that stuff throughout the script, author intrusions that can't actually be shown and are more thoughts or feelings than anything else. Also,  there is no real build up to the appearance of the demon or prior hint and it leaves the reader going, "Say what?" which is not the reaction you want. The first mention of a demon doesn't even hit the script until page 102.

The rest is just things that didn't sit well with me or little holes in the script:

I can't buy into the fact that Sue suddenly turns on Tish and calls the Dean to collect her. It seems way out of the character you have to that point built for her. There could have been some scenes or hints along the way that things aren't quite right with Sue so when the flip is switched we either care or at least believe what is happening.

I think she gives in without a fight and is too blase' about her fate.

I found it very anti-climatic and damaging to the continued suspense, when we find out through Tish's very long (telling instead of showing) dialogue of who her captives are on page 84. I think exposing Oostie works because we already suspect her. I would leave the rest a secret, as well as it all happening at the Deans house (maybe make the rituals at a different place?), until the party. It would be shock to realize that late that the Dean has been a part of it as well as that many other faculty members.

I also couldn't buy into the relationship between Billy and Sue. There is nothing that actually shows it growing. They went on one date and as far as the audience knows that is it. We have to see it to believe it.

The quick explanation of these "Lost Books of Revelation" should be expounded on more and sooner, instead of just thrown in willy nilly. Where is the discovery? Does Sue find copies of the text at the school? We know they are kept there. Maybe not, but there has to be given more credence to it than a brief mention in very small bits of dialogue.

Page 137: MARICLARE is back in the nuthouse again when just moments earlier she was in Dr Marshall's office and had just been sprung by her. Very confusing.

Should you rewrite this I would be glad to re-read it. There is a great story here.


The Door (Horror/Thriller) - 116 Pages

Currently Working On:
The Devil's Brigade
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marvink
Posted: June 9th, 2010, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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JC, thanks for taking the time to actually read the whole script. i really appreciate that. I am in the process of re-writing this as a matter of fact. I will keep your suggestions and comments in mind as I rework this thing. I really thank everyone for their help and support on the script. I will be sure and PM you when I get a rewrite finished.  Thanks again, marvin.
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