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Oh my, the vast majority of these scripts are just a complete hoot! This, again, is so terrible, it's hilarious!
Is it a pisstake? I don't think it is, but I sure hope so. Every single mistake possible all crammed into a few poorly written pages...pure beauty!
The dialogue is God awful, once again. The plot and story is completely non existent. The characters are literally a joke...I think. I mean, c'mon...you say the butler is 20 years old...the waitresses are "young" (does that mean younger than 20?), and then we get a "young boy" for the chef? WOW, pure comic genius!
I have to quote this one line (I'd like to quote more, but in reality, I could quote every single line) for a great example of what's wrong with the writing here...
"Man picks up his cutlery to cut and eat pork."
OK, so either this is a successful attempt at humor by writing terribly, or just God-awful writing, period.
I would have to agree with Dreamscale on this one. Everything from the formatting to the dialogue to the actual story was pretty bad. This seemed like an attempt at really dry Brit humor. So dry that it vanished into the air.
If this was a pisstake, then the writer should have just gone for broke with all out comedy. If this was meant to be a serious entry, go get yourself some good screenwriting software and start from there.
This was dull. There's not really much for me to critique otherwise. The logline alone hinted that probably not a lot of effort was put into this nor was it taken very seriously.
Story: First date between a vegan and a meaty but the vegan doesn't tell her date. They are at a formal restaurant when the Man is served a roast pig.
This was ripe for conflict and sharp dialogue but went the polite and cute route. I did like how the vegan cut up the meat. I also noted the roast pig as a symbol for vegan hate. Next time, consider naming your characters, it starts to give them a personality.
This isn't a story, it's a fairly well-written example of what constitutes the structure of a script minus the meat. Bare essential storytelling, really.
So from the logline this must be written by a board member, the HTML clearly indicates this is not a serious entry. But it wasn't funny. Or interesting. Maybe that was the point perhaps? To write a dull script to indicate you thought the challenge was dull? I don't know, but whatever you were going for this was not a pleasant read.
“A long, bare and impressive wooden table sits in the centre of the room. Lit candles line its centre. Various utensils are correctly placed upon it.” – So the table is bare with stuff on it? Also for me there are several elements of these sentences that could be tightened up without losing anything. Say “A long ornate table is lined with candles and set with utensils.”. Obviously a lot of people wouldn’t like that either, but hopefully it shows what I mean by tightening it up.
For me much of this could be tightened up. Do we need to know the detail of the waiters dish carrying skills?
Their discussion plays out interestingly, although I guess I was waiting for something else to happen.
It is a visually distinctive take on the challenge, however for me the story is a bit thin.
This sounds pretty dull. I was looking forward to what you're getting at and apparently there's no resolution to all the setup.
You don't have to introduce the numerous people coming in to prepare the dinner. It's a distraction to the real story.
Overall, nothing much to say. A very...too straightforward approach to this OWC's theme. It's not for me, sorry.
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Thank you for all the reads folks. And thanks to those who commented.
No matter what you said, all comments are appreciated.
I can't see why HTML is good enough for web pages yet not good enough for scripts.
You folks do know how to adjust your browsers, don't you?
I got sick of Adobe. Good programs but I hate the way they hog everything and act too virus like. Found FoxIt much better. Oh, by the way, I don't like Apple much either. Not unless we're talking Beatles.
Now. I see many disliked my little scene. Ah well. I was trying to get it to do 'exactly what it says on the tin.
No story? A man takes a woman on a first date isn't a story these days? What do you want, Karl Sosea to blow fuck outta the place? I dunno. Where is my whiskey,
Nice Belt, sorry, pic Me. V nice.
Love and pieces,
R x
EDIT: I see Dreamscale is still a fan. Thanks Man! Love ya too. You really should stop beating round the bush and just tell me whatya think, baby. Keep it cruel dude.
I didn't name the characters as I really didn't see the need. Their names are not important. Their actions and words are. This is a short. Less than ten minutes. Why would they need names. Do we have imaginations.
The words are for actors. I see some want me to tell them everything. If I did they would then complain of overwriting. Ho hum. Me be sticking to me plan. Me like it.
I didn't write the logline, by the way. I forgot to include one as I was going to the pub. Again.
I would have to agree with Dreamscale on this one. Everything from the formatting to the dialogue to the actual story was pretty bad. This seemed like an attempt at really dry Brit humor. So dry that it vanished into the air.
If this was a pisstake, then the writer should have just gone for broke with all out comedy. If this was meant to be a serious entry, go get yourself some good screenwriting software and start from there.
Er. Oh. Dear me.
Should I have gone for broke? I know what it's like being skint. Like Mark Steel says, you end up rooting do backof sofa for pennies to buy a bag of frigging crisps. You may call them chips. If you must.
An attempt? Another fecking bush beater. Is there a fire?
Sorry you didn't like. Ho hum. I did like John tho. He was a stand up geezer. Pity he left so soon. Jim is good 2. But, not a patch on bro. Shame.
Anyways. Thank you for read. Once my holes are dug I'll work on Q.