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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Going Out Moderators: bert
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  Author    Going Out  (currently 1129 views)
Don
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Going Out by Bambang Yudianto (bejoalan) - Short, Comedy - {no logline} 6 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Jean-Pierre Chapoteau
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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I write.

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- Late 20'S - You forgot the "s"

- She HAS a dark green dress IN her right hand and a black dress IN her left.

- She finds her husband Greg (early 30'S) is sitting on the couch. Take out the "IS". You can just simply put "sitting" after his name and age.

- Greg switch"ES" the tv channel.

- You know how "A" condom make me "FEEL" like  "I'M' bring "POUNDED" by a rubber stick.

You should really check for typo's before you submit. But I'm guessing English isn't your first language.

- i thought you "were" a vegetarian.

It seems like I'm correcting a lot. I'm just going to assume they talk like this.

You don't need to put "Greg is puzzled" because you have a question mark after his question, so we already know that he is.

When Greg jumps up and realizes they are having dinner that was pretty funny.

It's "HIS" wife, not "her" wife. I see you continuously type that in.

I don't get the mosquito...

I thought the ending was funny. I didn't expect it.

I overall think your writing need a lot of work. from the action, grammar and definitely dialogue. It needs to flow. A lot of what you said, people wouldn't on real life. The and work on that before you submit again because the comments are only going to repeat.  


I DON'T READ REVIEWS BEFORE I REVIEW!!
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Jean-Pierre Chapoteau
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, maybe I need to check for typo's before I submit my review  


I DON'T READ REVIEWS BEFORE I REVIEW!!
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khamanna
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

A logline would bring you more reads.

It's a funny story - they were so getting ready to go out, then their company doesn't show up and they finally decide to check the date...

I liked her character. And he is a little slow - liked that too.

The mosquito is over my head. I know what you wrote it for - maybe that was the reason behind it.

Few typos:
p2 - Now help me pick THE dress.
Greg crossES his hands.
how's "weights her dresses"? - maybe "weighs" and I'm not even sure natives use it like that - better google.
"Amanda is weighting full of anticipation" (no WITH).
"We are having dinner with Maria and Steve tonight" (no A).
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electricsatori
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 12:52am Report to Moderator
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Besides the multitudinous typos and blatant disregard for grammar this script possesses - the icing on the proverbial cake is your consistent adherence to passive construction.

Here is a link for passive verbs and passive construction.
http://www.ccis.edu/writingcenter/documents/passive.html

Here is a link for rules of grammar.
http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp

Hate me as much as you like but please check out the links.

-Daniel


DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
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AngelofDeath
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 1:35am Report to Moderator
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The grammar was too much for me....couldn't get past page one.  And for me that's saying a lot, as I'm all about story.

Revision History (1 edits)
AngelofDeath  -  June 24th, 2010, 1:54pm
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bejoalan
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 1:44am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the comment, I really appreciate it. Culture, grammar, and typo is a big problem for me. I'm hoping to learn my way by writing a lot.

@Khamanna: the mosquito is probably a failure attempt to make a monty-phytonish joke
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AngelofDeath
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Is engilish a second language for you?  If it is then it explains a lot and I'll give it a second read with that in mind.  Who knows, maybe I can help.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Even if English is your second language, I still didn't get this.  Especially the human-headed mosquito.
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khamanna
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Bambang, I see what you mean.

To others - I know that this piece was written for someone who wanted something Monty Pythonish - the mosquito fits in actually - imagine it buzzing around and the character looks at it annoyed with the eyes crossed...
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Coding Herman
Posted: June 25th, 2010, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not going to correct typos and grammars. There are lots, but you should be able to point them out if you look at them carefully.

I found this okay, not too comical but rather silly. It was like the characters acted the way they were because the plot required them to do so.

There wasn't much story but more like another comedy skit. If this is really about going out for dinner, why talk about abortion services and condoms and blow jobs? I know Greg talking about the abortion added to the humor, but it just didn't sound true to me that a husband would talk like that to his wife.

The picking the dress part, to me, was the silliest. Com'on, a person with any sense knows what Amanda was asking about. It just came off like a scene in Scary Movie.

And then Greg telling Amanda that they were going to a vegetarian restaurant didn't do anything to me. It seemed like any normal conversation.

On the other hand, I actually got the flying mosquito. I know what you were trying to do here. The mosquito added awkwardness in the situation.

The ending, not so sure about it. It didn't have enough punch but it did wrap up the "story".

Overall, I think you need to add something more to the story to make it interesting. And please check for typos and grammar before submission.

Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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bejoalan
Posted: July 1st, 2010, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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@AngelofDeath: English is not my first languange. Javanese> Bahasa Indonesai > English
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